• Angelina Jolie is the focus of two books and is supporting another. Reputed biographers Andrew Morton and Ian Halperin want to experience the thrill of writing about a subject who's already said everything you ever wanted to know about her and more. In fact, the ever growing Cult of Brange means you can't even make up anything interesting about her. Meanwhile Nick Kristoff, whose book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide Jolie would like you to read, got a taste of tabloid love in their company and was stunned. [Lainey Gossip]
• Joe Jackson observes Michael is worth more dead than alive, is gross. [Celebitchy]
• Madonna is the new God of Malawi. Madonna calls for lightning to strike Britain. [Us Weekly]
• Bai Ling decided it was a good idea to sleep naked next to a cheetah. Cheetah thought this was some kind of poor man's feast provided by the human race and didn't want to offend local custom so he tried to take a delicate nibble of Bai Ling's nibbly bits. Bai Ling is A) Freaked out. B) Safe. C) A Moron. [Dlisted]
• Simon Cowell must have a curse placed on him to be followed by hair-obsessed young men everywhere he goes. [Mirror]
• Brooke Shields went to a store and an employee asked her if she wanted any help. So she punched him in the eye, kicked him in the balls, tore his head off and jumped up and down on his dead body to see blood spurt out of his corpse. Okay, no she didn't but imagine if she had. [Fox 411]
• Sophie Monk as an undressed ladybug on the sidewalk for no reason. Site NSFW. [Hollywood Tuna]
• Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show is a little low on the "reality". *faint* [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson thinks the Scots are a bunch of quarrelsome drunks in skirts. Scotland is deserted today as all Scots died laughing. [Daily Fail]
• David Beckham stares at cheerleaders, is shocked women have curves. [Sun]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: This shit will never end. [Fox 411]
• Blind Item: C list cable reality star holds forth on tattoos, taboos and Jews. Sinks like a stone. You should know the answer! [CDAN]

"A lot of people I met when I was undercover insisted Cruise was the number 1 man. Cruise is the star there, and, like in his films, no one at the Church got top billing over him. Church officials told me that everyone, including David Miscavige [scientology's Chairman of the Board] do whatever Cruise says. Basically, they act as his puppets."

Beyond Halperin's argument that Morton got the actor's ranking wrong, he claims Morton "didn't even bother to interview Scientology. Even after the church invited him to go on a tour and [offered] an interview, Morton, for some reason, refused to do it." Oddly, Halperin says the church and Tom Cruise are "pissed off at [Morton]." But ... they're not pissed off at Halperin for faking his identity in order to unveil specific, straight-to-gay tactics? We're waiting to hear from Morton, whose Placenta Hijacking story still holds a place in our heart, regardless of its authenticity.

According to x17, Hubbard's minions have "already gone on the record describing Morton's entire book as 'a bigoted, defamatory assault replete with lies.'" Replete! Replete, they say! (Were they holding torches while making this statement?) At the time, Nic, Ewan and Tom all agreed on the same story: the baby, er, placenta, was Tom's, but the couple's divorce months later did little to dispel any rumors that the blob belonged to Ewan. Who knew Nicole was so freaky? Oh right. She was married to Tom Cruise. For TEN YEARS. Almost.

RELATED: Save Some Womb For Dessert [Jezebel

• Nicole Kidman Kept Her Placenta? [X17]

• More on Tom Cruise and Scientology
• The video clip the Scientologists want to suppress

No. For instance, on page 154 of Morton's book, the writer addresses the rumor that devoted Scientologists had planted a field of wildflowers for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman to run through. He cites a flat denial from Mike Rindler, head of Scientology International’s Office of Special Affairs. In an email to Gawker, Morton also points to statements Karin Pouw, the Scientology spokeswoman, has made to the press.

The reason why Karin Pouw is able to quote from conversations with me is that I spoke to her. I didn't call to pass the time of day but to formally ask for an interview with David Miscavige, the head of SCN. The legal and editorial departments at St Martins Press were all aware of the phone calls I made to reach Karin Pouw and the request I made. It was not surprisingly turned down. FYI Miscavige has given to my knowledge one print interview to the St Petersburg Times and one TV interview during his 20-year tenure as COB Scientology.

Morton may not have expected an interview from Miscavige, the Church's leader. And he might not have expected much, beyond blanket denials, from any interview. But he does appear to have made at least a show of giving the Scientologists their say, which will provide some protection in any lawsuit.

• More news on the Hollywood star, and the revelations about his role in the Scientologists [includes video of Tom Cruise wild-eyed endorsement of the religion]

In this clip from Inside Edition, Morton fervently defends his assertions that Cruise is probably almost definitely the Church's Number Two, that Suri could very well be perceived by some Church members of being the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, and that Cruise has knowingly and willingly sought to befriend the Beckhams for his own nefarious, probably-not- entirely-based-on- how-fabulous-he-thinks-Posh-is reasons. Equally shocking: How much Hubbard looks like Scott Thompson from The Kids in the Hall.

• Watch Video
• Inside Edition

On the one hand, the rebuttal is detailed, and categoric, and sounds way more sane than does Cruise in his indoctrination video for the bizarre modern religion. On the other hand, Morton is no Kitty Kelley. His claims about Lady Diana's marriage to Prince Charles, first dismissed, turned out to be almost wholly accurate. One weakness in Morton's case: the Scientologists claim Morton made no effort to check his facts with them. Even if the biographer didn't believe they'd provide any information, beyond blanket denials, it would have made sense to make at least a pro forma approach, if only to head off the Scientologists' inevitable public relations counter-attack. We'll see whether Morton has documentation.

In the most entertaining passage from the talking points, the Scientologists address the rumors about Katie Holmes impregnation by Hubbard sperm.

Further, and quite in addition to its vicious insult on parents and child, Morton’s allegation could hardly be more offensive to the Church and its members concerning, as it does, the Founder of the religion and a man revered by millions world over. Finally, as distasteful as it is to have to say it, Mr. Hubbard’s sperm was never frozen.

As for the Scientology, Morton reiterates the rumors that Tom was preparing Katie Holmes' womb for some sort of L. Ron Hubbard reincarnation and that he had tracking computer boop beep chips put into her cell phone so he could know her whereabouts at all times. Morton goes on to speculate that Katie must have felt like she was in Rosemary's Baby. Ah Mr. Morton! What leaps you make! What mysterious, unnamed (US Weekly) sources you find! Get a full recap of the tome at Slate's reader's guide.