The Bitch Is Back

Clinton-Oprah Cold War In London

• In the spirit of racial harmony, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Clinton ignored each other at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party. They used to be very close, apparently. Until, presumably, Oprah went and supported a certain black man for president. Either that or he just didn't want to be near her in that outfit (pictured). [P6]
• The new conspiracy theory about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who gave birth already according to a fairly unbeliveable Entertainment Tonight report a couple of weeks ago, is that the infants were born premature and are being "secretly cared for in a French hospital." Also, Jolie is wearing a prosthetic tummy to keep the secret going. [R&M]
• A socialite says she was warned away from arrested Anne Hathaway ex Rafaello Follieri's charitable foundation and that he flaked on sending documents to her charity. But what really burns her is that he didn't bring Hathaway to this one charity invite, even though she was invited and everything. [P6]
• The Post doesn't think CBS' chief PR executive should be publishing a book about slacking off on the job called "Executricks: Or How to Retire While You're Still Working." [Post]
• Bill Murray has completed his nasty divorce battle. Mom gets custody, he gets visitation. [Daily Star]

Tabloid Editors Insane From Brangelina Pressure

Oprah At Obama's Beck And Call

• Oprah Winfrey said Barack Obama's victory made her do "the happy dance all day." And she's totally ready to piss off more viewers by campaigning for him again. [Showbiz Spy]
• After giving her new allies at the Post an exclusive rundown on her recent drug bust and visit to Alcoholics Anonymous, Tatum O'Neal clams up to the Daily News. On AA: "Well, it's anonymous. I'd prefer to keep it that way!" [R&M]
• The big Calvin Klein/Eva Mendes party above Heath Ledger's apartment was broken up by the building's owners. [TMZ]
• The young Republicans are fighting to save poor Bruce Willis from some dirty hippies. Or as the Post oh-so-clevery calls them, "slacktivists." [P6]
• Even though Sharon Stone apologized once, already, for saying China's recent earthquake was the result of bad karma from Chinese rule in Tibet, she still has been banned from the Shanghai International Film Festival. So she tried apologizing a second time.
• Brad Pitt bought a $300,000 table and $175-per-square-foot rug — not despite the fact that he has twin babies on the way, but because he has twin babies on the way. Between the new ones and Jolie's 47 other children, the new furniture should be covered in crayons and bodily fluids within a week. But, given the provenance of the children, maybe it will actually increase in value. [P6]

Angelina Jolie's Secret $15 Million Birth?

Vanity Fair Salutes Angelina Jolie's Breasts

Alec Baldwin's Family Problems Not His Fault

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

Paris Hilton With No Makeup Sells Beauty Products

Young Angelina Jolie's Greatest Sin (It's Not S&M or Heroin)

Sean Penn's Model Friend Getting A Bit Stalky

• Sean Penn is not cool with former close personal friend (and supermodel) Petra Nemcova talking to his wife, with whom the movie star is now reconciled. "It wasn't long before we saw Penn march over, take Robin by the elbow and lead her away, saying, 'Come and meet my friend.'" [Rush & Molloy]
• Actor John Stamos' black eye is from "a kick-boxing accident," which is totally the line I'm using if I ever get punched while drunk and end up "flailing" my arms. [P6]
• Kate Hudson, who had been spotted with Owen Wilson, is now hanging out with cyclist Lance Armstrong, who used to date Ashley Olsen. [People]
• Ashley Olsen's boyfriend, actor Justin Batha, used to date Lydia Hearst and is "a little psycho-y." Lance Armstrong is looking a little crazy by association here. [P6]
• Is one wedding enough for pop diva Mariah Carey? What do you think? [Showbiz Spy]
• Actress Gina Gershon was fired by her assistant, who then had a little party to celebrate. He's still got Natalie Portman and Brook Shields as clients, which means he's one of those assistants who, in turn, has his own assistants. [P6]
• Meadow Soprano is on the market, and everyone is hitting on her, including, supposedly, Chace Crawford. [P6]
• Britney Spears' vacation with Mel Gibson in Costa Rica is over. [OK!]
• Here is a video of a younger Angelina Jolie talkinging about how bondage and the drugs she has done in the past. [Sun]
• Scarlett Johansson doesn't want to hang out with Woody Allen at Cannes. Understandable. [Perez]

Newest Disaster Also Not Miley Cyrus' Fault

• An LA band called Lustra called out Miley Cyrus by name for a song that sounds way, way too much like one of their songs. But it turns out Cyrus doesn't write any of her own songs, so now the band kind of looks like a bunch of assholes. [P6]
• Natalie Portman took a jet ride with movie producer Ryan Kavanaugh and then supposedly "looked smitten." But she's still in love with hippie folksinger Devendra Banhart. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker insisted she is not in a massive catfight with Sex And The City co-stars, particularly Kim Cattrall. Supposedly Cattrall refused to sit through the movie's premiere. Parker said, "I wouldn't have wanted to do it with anyone else," which doesn't really address the rumor. [Daily Star]
• Pete Doherty keeps writing songs for Amy Winehouse, who keeps calling them "shit" and "rubbish." [Mirror]
• You know how you can tell Britney Spears is, indeed, pregnant? Because she recently visited a doctor. [Showbiz Spy]
• First Jack Black revealed Angelina Jolie is pregnant, now Dustin Hoffman has leaked the due date, August 19. More cameos! [Sun]

From The Back Row, Jean-Claude Is The First To Spot Jerry Lewis

Oprah's Dogs Get Pharaoh Treatment

• This gold bust of Oprah features two dogs above her head, begins showing next week at a gallery and is intended to highlight "the overlooked threat of accidental pet fatality by common household products." [Oh No They Didn't] (Photo from Caplakesting.com via OhNoTheyDidn't)
• There are rumors of a sex tape involving crazy Britney Spears and former slimy hanger-on and alleged drugger Adnan Ghalib. Also, there are again rumors Spears is pregnant. All this according to the Sun, which provides no details whatsoever. [Sun]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz sent out Evites for their wedding, then started auctioning off press access. The bidding is somewhere above $1 million, because it is surely a once-in-a-lifetime event for both bride and groom: "Ashlee is so needy - she just hangs all over Pete... He's always had a thing for vulnerable girls... I can't imagine one would ever leave the other." [Daily News]
• Michelle Trachtenberg of Gossip Girl fainted Tuesday night at a Sunglass Hut store in SoHo. [P6]
• Angelina Jolie confirmed the rumors she is pregnant with twins on the Today show, where she was plugging the movie Kung Fu Panda. None of her previous opportunities to speak out on the matter provided equivalent gravitas. [P6]
• Pete Doherty buys pregnant mice to feed to his cat, probably to keep them from slashing him up again. [Sun]

Britney Ruled Less Toxic To Children Than Previously Believed

• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!
• A Columbia student's $11,000 mink coat was stolen from a New York club during a private party, and she figured she was screwed. Then she saw actress Lindsay Lohan wearing it in a paparazzi photo. She went apeshit and had it returned, but no explanation was forthcoming. "Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up." [P6]
• Actor Charlie Sheen has a date for his wedding. Oh, and he's also putting it on the calendar. HEY-OH! Seriously, though, May 30. Only 22 bachelor parties to go! [Perez]
• Angelina Jolie's forthcoming twins are girls, but there are all kinds of worries about the birth. [Star]

Movie Rights to Godless Ayn Rand Novel Acquired From Catholics

Watch Jennifer Lopez, Scientologists Raise A Baby

• Jennifer Lopez is going to star in a TLC reality show about raising her twins. Oh this is going to be awesome. We're going to get to see all of the crazy stuff Tom Cruise and Lopez's other Scientologist advisers had installed for the little ones: the security cameras, "sterile" baby wing, sanitized flowers and the staff of baby bodyguards and color therapist.
• Semi-retired comedian Rosie O'Donnell on Star Jones' divorce from Al Reynolds: "we all fool rselves [sic] / sometimes." Also, Drudge dropped her from his blogroll for some reason. [Ask Ro]
• Amy Winehouse got high in the street, headbutted someone, punched someone in the face, stiffed her cabbie and made out with some dude. Leave it to Fleet Street to hype up a typical Wednesday night like it's some big thing. [Sun]
• Ashley Olsen's mansion is undergoing a $1.6 million spruce-up and the actress was kind of wondering if she could crash at your place for a while?? Five-star hotels get so lonely. [Star]
• Doogie Howser went on Ellen and pretended to have his head cut off. This is the same guy who didn't want any more Britney Spears cameos on his sitcom because it infringed on his artistic integrity. [YouTube]
• John Mayer is totally going to work his way up to black belt. [X17]
• Meadow from Sopranos broke up with her boyfriend. [Us]
• FHM magazine decided Megan Fox was the hottest woman in the entire world, this year. Angelina Jolie slipped four places to number 12, because pregnancy is so not hot, and Britney Spears somehow rejoined the list at #100, because crazy is very much hot. [OK!]
• We have all made Naomi Campbell so furious with our incompetence that either her hair is falling out or the supermodel is tearing it out. [Sun]

Heath Ledger's Australian Love Child

• Heath Ledger may have a love child in Australia, the late actor's uncle said, which would mean he has two children. Isn't that straight out of Lost? I mean, except for the part about Heath fathering the child while 17 and still in grammar school with a woman eight years older who already had a boyfriend. [Daily Telegraph via HollyScoop]
• Cracked-out singer Amy Winehouse has been writing and playing songs for her next album even while battling addiction and her skin condition. Also, while her husband sits in jail. "It is very, very dark." [Sun]
• Woops: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not get married in Vegas, as reported in Star. Perez Hiton described Star's retraction as "shoving their baby cock between their legs." Eeww. This is why I should never read Perez Hilton before trying to sleep. [Perez]
• It sounds like Britney Spears did not end up presenting during the Kids' Choice Awards as rumored. Actor Orlando Bloom seemed less than thrilled to get slimed.
• Kiefer Sutherland of 24 wants to direct a music video for British band "the Feeling." It's high time rock videos added some torture scenes. [Sun]