Everyone has stopped caring about the Swine Flu, except at still-publishing O.G. alt-weekly The Village Voice, where an intern was just diagnosed with it!

Oh, delicious, bacony irony: The news media have created such a panicked frenzy over swine flu that some people are now considering deliberate infection, so as to avoid DEADLY accidental infection.

After more than a week of SWINE FLU PANIC, the very media outlets that help fuel the PANIC are starting to agree with our original assessment: this whole thing is kind of a farce.

United Flight 903 tragically had to land in Boston instead of DC because a passenger had the fucking sniffles. How will our coloring book authors cover this disaster? Do you remember where you were? [AP]

Remember how after 9/11, every backwater public library in Iowa and auditorium in Missouri spent millions terrorist-proofing themselves, JUST TO BE READY? Swine flu panic is the new that.

A member of Barack Obama's security detail has contracted a suspected case of the swine flu—this outbreak has Barack "The Typhoid President" Obama's fingerprints all over it.

Swine flu panic is just a week old and like most Americans you probably have only one thing on your mind: how can I make some sweet fast cash off this thing? Enter guerrilla marketing.

The World Health Organization just raised the pandemic alert to Level 5! That is is the second-highest level! We will literally all be dead by the end of the year, it is now 100% certain.

Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

We've been admiring Alfredo Estrella's pictures from Mexico City since the area became the unfortunate epicenter of the swine flu outbreak.

Citizens: do not be alarmed that hundreds of your children are now being mangled by Killer Swine Flu Virus. The government will not stop until it has wasted billions on fighting this mild illness!

Here we are two days into the Swine Flu Panic of '09, and dead bodies have yet to be stacked up like cordwood on the streets of American cities. Face it: this story is dumb.