Ralph Reed's former spokeswoman, Lisa Baron, who's writing a book. Daily News Boris and Natasha-esque gossips Rush & Molloy, you did it. You won my Sunday:

Inevitably, when people hear Baron worked for Reed during the 2000 Republican presidential primary in South Carolina (she was Lisa Gimbel then), they ask if it's true that Reed spread the false rumor that Sen. John McCain had fathered a black child.

"How would I know?" writes Baron. "I was too busy giving [George W. Bush's future press secretary] Ari Fleischer [oral sex] in a Greenville hotel room."

Or as R & M would have it: a "meeting of the mouthpieces." Teehee!

If you enjoy political tell-alls, this is all you need to read today. I mean, this is great stuff. Baron was involved in Jack Abramoff—Jack Abramoff!—and his campaign to become Georgia's lieutenant governor. Then, she married a 99X DJ. Now, she works at a parenting magazine and does some stuff for an Atlanta weekly. Granted, she's settled down from her wild days of being excited by the Ari Fleischer's of the world, but that doesn't mean she still can't give good anecdote:

When she met Reed, then a GOP campaign guru, his "movie-star good looks and uncanny ability to articulate conservative thoughts ... made me swoon," she writes.

Sorry, Lisa, but I believe that's pronounced #SWOON. File Under: To Buy, Books. This is the Republican version of Primary Colors and Coyote Ugly meeting in the middle. I now know what I'm getting Pareene in this year's Secret Santa. If only all 300 pages were Ali Fleischer blowjob anecdotes. Someone: get on this.

There were two other panelists at this IFC Media Project event in Midtown too, but they were both very reasonable, so who cares? Let's get to the highlights!

Tina Brown: She was the most glamorous of the bunch. Paps flashed their flashbulbs at her! And I must say, she holds the sanest views of any of our three stars!
Tina says Obama's made an honest attempt on the torture issue. She wants truth commissions in America to get to the bottom of it. She is the Steve Biko of IFC Media panel discussion!
Also: "TV doesn't do well with nuance." She learned that by having a failed TV show! Tina's not sweating the death of newspapers so much—rather, she's concerned about where the journalism will go. Screw newspapers, she said (paraphrase!).
At one point she told Peggy Noonan she was wrong.

Ari Fleischer: Virtually everything he said made one want to choke on one's own scoffing. He's very smirky at all times.
What grade would he give the Obama administration on "Transparency"? C. That means you get a G, Ari.
Ari is surprisingly against truth commissions exploring the various tortures sanctioned by his bosses and explained away by him daily, for years, because were there to be a torture investigation, it would devolve into "acrimony." And anyhow it should be done by Congress, but oh it can't be done by Congress, because Congress is too partisan.
Then he said: "I'll be proud" to answer a subpoena. "Much of (our various torturing) is questionable in the day's light... but people are proud of what they did to keep us safe." Yea? Somebody subpoena this guy already.
Ari lives in Westchester county and didn't read any international news sources when he was in the White House and he still doesn't, so don't ask him about un-American news like that.

Peggy Noonan: A very strange person. There is no way not to describe her as "doddering," as she enjoyed looking up at the ceiling wide-eyed as others were speaking. But so many things to say!
At the recent Obama press conference, she said, "We saw the return of the Obama thinking look... you could actually see him thinking!"
What about this Obama White House? "This is a big White House and a consequential one, making big decisions." Expertise gleaned at the highest levels of government, ladies and gents. "Obama as an individual is something new. [BLACK GUY??] There's a certain level of cool, of shrewdness."
At one point the moderator asked Peggy if she wanted to respond to a point. "Actually I was daydreaming about something I read in the newspaper," she replied. "It was that George Will column."

TOP THREE PEGGY NOONAN QUOTES OF THE DAY:
"If I say I'm Peggy Noonan from PeggyNoonan.com, he's not gonna feel like he has to take that call." OH?
"I believe I know the lyrics to every Al Jolson song."
"I love. The fizz."

Ari Fleischer may indeed be the single most irrelevant empty suit PR man masquerading as a political commentator today; but the combination of masterful Obvious Thing Repackager Mark Penn and superficially wholesome yet morally vacant Poor Shoe-Dodger Dana Perino together in the offices of Whitewasher of All Things Evil Burson-Marsteller truly makes that firm the industry leader in plain idiocy, corporate hustling, and the eschewing of all ethical thought.

We hope this clarifies the situation for you. [WSJ. Pic via]

Ari is in PR. So he should really, you know, be great at tapping into the public consciousness, right? And what issue will resonate with the broke, unemployed citizens of our recession-wracked nation now more than this: Poor people should pay more taxes!

If you thought Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme was bad, wait until you hear about the inverted pyramid scheme the federal government is working on. While Mr. Madoff preyed on people who trusted him with their money, the federal government has everyone's money, and the implications of its actions are worse.

This dreadful pyramid scheme: progressive taxation. The rich are paying most of the taxes—meanwhile, the poor get off scott free! Ari Fleischer has a plan to end this outrage and he tells you all about it in his op-ed, but he forgot that nobody gives a fuck what he thinks since he's just an eloquent blank wall and the only reason people listened to him before is because they were obligated to because he spoke for the president, and he also forgot he's an asshole and everybody's poor now so maybe he should just shut his mouth for once. [WSJ]

Ari calls Chris "shameful" and says "how dare you" and then they talk over each other for a few minutes and Chris mentions how Bush is the least popular president ever and says "don't call me shameful," and then says, "Ari, Ari...." It went on for what felt like another half-hour or so of crosstalk.

God, Ari Fleischer. He really looks like shit these days! Retirement, like Chris Matthews, is not agreeing with him.