Presenting Your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• If the cast of Harry Potter could hook up with anyone, two out of three respondents went with Gossip Girl cast members: Daniel Radcliffe to Blake Liveley, Emma Watson to Ed Westwick. Rupert Grint struggled to come up with an answer and just went with Jessica Alba. Weak. [E!]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is meeting in St. Tropez, France, with Christian Audigier, the uberdouche behind the embarrassment to fashion as well as the idea of anything having any kind of aesthetic whatsoever, Ed Hardy. He might be getting a job with Audigier. For those who haven't been blinded by them yet, they're shirts with rhinestones on them that sometimes have these slits in them and, jesus, I don't even know, they're just so fugly it's far beyond my mental capacity to understand how this is now a multi-million dollar business. Remember Von Dutch? It's like that to the nth degree. Yes, I would rather have, I don't know, a crying eagle pissing in my eye while draped in a neon American flag tattooed to my face than wear one of those shirts (and no, you may NOT use that idea, Audigier). Hopefully he won't dress any of his children in those deadrags of mid-life crisis desperation because that would just be cruel and unusual and then they'd have to be remanded into the custody of Mugatu-esque Karl Lagerfeld and you don't want that. You really don't. 'Cause he'll eat them. [TMZ]
  
  
• Haley Joel Osment would like you all to stop making I SEE DEAD PPL jokes, now. Meanwhile, he's throwing the mack down on girls in the subway. So if he isn't seeing dead people, at least he's seeing game. And game recognize game. (?) [TMZ]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart laughs off rumors of her and Robert Pattinson being pregnant. Things she shouldn't laugh off: the dangerously insane teenage Twilight fans who'd rather see her replaced with a cardboard box. Honestly, I kind of hope she is preggers with his vampire baby, because it'd be a great looking kid, and Twilight fans need to go away. Vampire fetishisizing is for 42 year-old oversized goths, and it should stay that way. [NYDN]
  
  
• You know how your grandfather would make funny faces at you as a kid, and sometimes they'd be funny, and sometimes you'd be like, stop it, old man, you're freaking me the fuck out. Well, imagine if your grandfather was Jim Carrey. Exactly. His 21 year-old daughter Jane is preggers with her husband, fellow musician Alex Santana (important detail: "(Alex is) known as "Nitro" in his rock group, Blood Money."). Meanwhile, Jim's still dating Jenny McCarthy, and the two of them must make the weirdest faces at each other in bed. Do not want. [NYDN]
  
  
• Rachel Ray had vocal chord surgery, and this is one of those things were the joke writes itself, but you don't even want to make it. In this Kangaroo Court, there are far worse grievances against humanity than maybe sometimes sounding annoying while patiently teaching you how to cook better, because you're a moron and don't know an egg beater from a spork. Also, this is sad, 'cause her voice had this strangely sexy Kathleen Turner-when-she-was-hot raspiness to it. Get better, crazy cake lady. [People]
  
  
• Artie Lange got a DUI. Shocker. He rear-ended someone while drunk. I'm sure he'd turn that into a really shitty joke. But this is great: ""He was extremely cooperative," said Capt. Steven Henry. "He was a gentleman."" Love that Artie Lange is probably so familiar with the procedure of a DUI, he probably practically did it for the cop. "This is how you cuff me, my wrists fit this way," etc. Lange was last seen in a hysterical, amazing appearance on the first episode of Joe Buck's new HBO show. Said appearance got him banned from HBO Sports for life. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm sorry, can we just say it, though? Lady Gaga is a fucking mouthbreather. And when she's not using it to breathe, she's using it to say ridiculous shit like this: "I've gone bankrupt about four times now. My manager wants to shoot me. Every dollar I earn goes on the show. Now we're finally getting to a place where it's not bankruptcy. Then again, with another tour coming up soon I'll probably be homeless again." Also, please click on the link so you can look at the picture of how my mind feels about Lady Gaga. Seriously. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is "amazing in bed." Naturally. I don't doubt this for a moment. Thank you, Robert Pattinson, for making the rest of America feel like their sex lives aren't yours. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake is creating a scent. Besides smelling nice, it will be funnier, more chaming, nicer, come from more humble backgrounds, sing, dance, talk, listen, knit, and play backgammon better than you ever have or will. Also, it will smell like Saturday Night Live at least nine times a year. [E!]
  
  
• Lauren Conrad's book has been on the New York Times' bestseller list for two weeks, now. Aspiring novelists, this makes you feel how? Inspired? Insipid? Funky fresh? [People]
  
  
• Rupert Grint and Emma Watson felt pressure to get their kiss in the new Harry Potter movie right. Emma Watson's going to school at Columbia or Brown, and reports have gone both ways, and I can't even handle Emma Watson going to school in New York because this city absolutely needs more magic and with her exquisite knowledge of magic things should get better for everyone, especially those pricks on 116th. Things will be magical for everyone! Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe also gets a kiss in the new movie with Ginny Weasley, Sister of Ron, and - oh, yeah, sorry: spoiler alert - and gave a wire reporter an awesome quote about it: "I saw the film again a couple of nights ago at the premiere and ... my God, my lips are like the lips of a horse, kind of distending independently away from my face and trying to encompass the lower half of hers." Yeah, still get that feeling sometime. Lesson: none of us are Robert Pattinson. [Reuters]
  
  
• Maura Tierney's going away for eight weeks. Sad, scary, if only because of the ominous nature that her publicist is playing off the way she's probably going to some kind of rehab (an "eight week medical evaluation"). [E!]
  
  
• Jennifer Anniston personally paid for her entire crew to have an extra day off for the July 4th holiday. Nice. [People]

• So yeah, it perfectly stands to reason that a set of nude photos of Megan Fox would emerge this week leading up to the release of the new Transformers movie. But hey, I give her credit for having a landing strip instead of waxing her lady-parts bald. Megan Fox gets a gold star. UPDATE: Lux at Fleshbot pointed out that these photos actually surfaced a while back. So why is the Daily News making an issue of them again now with their "Megan Fox Falls Victim to Leaked Topless Photos" story? Pageviews?! Who knows, but whatever. [Daily News and Fleshbot]
  
  
• Artie Lange claims that Conan O'Brien's producers won't have him on as a guest on the Tonight Show because he's a screaming alcoholic, which is sad, because we're pretty sure that the old Conan would have encouraged having drunk guests on his show when it was on in the later time slot. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan, fresh from possibly perpetrating a European jewel heist, went out in the city over the weekend and was seen "acting weird." Well there's a shocker! According to eyewitnesses, Lohan walked into The Box and headed straight for the stripper pole, and then she screamed at some random dude. Sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton claims that she and soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo are "getting to know each other" and that he's an "incredible athlete." He's also now probably stricken with every social disease known to modern science, but whatever, he's rich. [Mirror]
  
  
• Entourage douche Adrian Grenier and Twilight star Ashley Greene appear to be boning each other furiously at the present time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's a "world exclusive preview" of Sacha Baron Cohen's new Bruno movie to shock and repulse you while making you feel guilty for laughing at it. [Sun]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus was caught making out with some dude in a lake while she was fully clothed but soaking wet. Unfortunately for all of you sickos, all of this was staged. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jamie Kennedy and a very weird looking Jennifer Love Hewitt were photographed out on the town in London, provoking Perez to make fun of her wrinkles and "saggy" boobs. So sad. [Perez]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin went to hang out with the dudes at American Chopper to make him feel like a man again after all the emasculation he suffers through with his wife. [EOnline]

Artie Lange, who's long overindulged with drugs and drink, was scheduled to attend close pal Bob Saget's Comedy Central roast on Sunday night, but never made it to LA. Instead, he checked himself into an intensive outpatient rehab program. A source said Lange "felt awful for not being there for Bob, but needed to make his health a priority."

...Meanwhile, teen star Shia LaBeouf may also be headed to rehab. LaBeouf broke his hand in a car accident last week and while it was not his fault, he was charged with DUI, his second arrest since November. Rehab can lead to reduced charges. "Judges like to see it," said a source. His rep would only say, "Right now, we're focusing on Shia's hand."

Fortunately for Shia's rep, there's a little less to focus on now. Still, allow us to express our best wishes to Lange in rehab — in fact, he probably dodged a bullet by entering when he did. It can't have been an easy decision to miss the Bob Saget roast, but after watching this clip of Cloris Leachman coming onto John Stamos, we're about to seek mental help ourselves.

• REHAB FOR STERN SIDEKICK [Page Six]

• Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 in February, childless and unwed. No one cares except the actress herself, who according to OK!'s source is "at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart" and according to Star's source is telling friends "it's my turn now" to have babies in the manner of a certain bitch who stole away a certain man from a certain starlet who is so not bitter and so totally over him. So Aniston is already planning the "Wedding Of The Year" even though, apparently, the groom hasn't even proposed yet?? Getting two tabloids involved is a bit much pressure on poor John Mayer, no?
• The entire British internet is convinced Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's magical new Scientology lord. There is a possible bump! Again! [Mirror]
• This blogger knows a girl who has been banging Matthew Broderick, but he won't get into that, because he doesn't believe in salacious gossip. [Cultural Capitol]
• John Stamos told a fairly awful joke about Mary-Kate Olsen at the roast for her Full House Dad Bob Saget, because apparently roasts used to be places where one could tell fairly awful jokes without having to worry about God damned TV cameras and so forth. [Perez]
• Actor James Franco hasn't even moved to New York yet and he's already met Graydon Carter. (Shameless. Flirt.) [P6]
• Tommy Hilfiger is no longer marrying Dee Ocleppo October 17. Supposedly it's amicable. [Post]
• Artie Lange, Howard Stern's sidekick, is headed to rehab. Real rehab, none of this stupid "rehab for depression" or "rehab for my stubbed toe" smokescreen BS. That means he's basically already completed the first step, right? [P6]
• Two professors of Oprahology have determined that a certain daytime talk show host controls the minds of approximately 1 million American voters. [P6]

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Forgetting Sarah Marshall star Jonah Hill's initial baby steps into a regular work out routine were thwarted by a nosy photographer. Hill politely asked if the photographer could leave him alone, seeing as how Hill had successfully finished his first block. Unfortunately for all parties involved, the photographer said no and offered Hill the halfway melted Snickers bar in his SUV. Hill continued on his walk, but the ever-persistent photog asked if Hill wanted to make a run to Crumbs in Beverly Hills, adding in that it would be his treat. Hill sighed and continued on with his power walk, then muttered, "Any other day, I'd be there. But you know, I'm working hard not to be the Artie Lange of the Apatow gang."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

It goes without saying that we are all very concerned for Artie's well-being at the moment. His recent appearances on Conan O'Brien and the Donny Deutsch Show were clear indications that all is not well in Artie's world, particularly on the substance abuse front. And with the show going on a scheduled weeklong hiatus, it's safe to say that the guys over at Artie Lange Deathwatch will be constantly monitoring Lange's behavior for the next 10 or so days. Here's hoping that Artie is able to hold it together and refrain from going on the kind of bender that felled the likes of Belushi and Farley. We're pulling for you Artie.

Here's the audio of this morning's meltdown Sorry, the original audio we posted here was removed. But thanks to commenter cockfightbarmitzvah, you can now listen to the audio below in the comment section.

• Listen: Artie Lange Quits Howard Stern Audio [Popcrunch]

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Actress Sophie Monk, who's perhaps best known for dating that one guy from Good Charlotte and more recently pint size American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrest, was accosted by a homeless woman in Beverly Hills. The homeless woman told Monk that she could do so much better than Seacrest and some mall punk guy. Monk played dumb as the woman literally attempted to shake some sense into her. "You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't settle now because other wise you're going to end up on Vh1 trying to date Bret Michaels or, worse, Artie Lange."

[Photo Credit: X17]

• The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch [CNBC]
• Artie Lange on The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch - 03-27-08 [YouTube]

Artie then launched into drug-fueled monologue that left Conan awkwardly trapped like a deer in the headlights. And when the red-headed host tried to steer the conversation into more television-friendly waters, Lange still couldn't resist giving a shout-out to "tight joints" and crystal meth. There haven't been this many hardcore drug references on TV since H.R. Puffnstuff. We'd suggest that Artie check himself into rehab pronto if he weren't so darn funny this way. All hail the white Tracy Morgan.

• Late Night With Conan O'Brien [NBC]

• Probably panicked that Britney Spears might, through some miracle, actually become a sober functioning human being, the paparazzi started heckling her and her parents, literally making high-pitched jungle animal noises. Some editors thought the paps were infiltrated by actual Crip and Blood gang members, as if that could somehow be worse than their actual behavior.
• With nothing but scraps from the paparazzi, the tabloids became desperate. One UK paper decided, based on looking at a picture of Spears' shirt, that she wasn't wearing a bra and thus was "back to her old tricks." Another saw a picture of Spears' dad carrying a pink wig and decided he was "confiscating" it as part of an image makeover.
• Heath Ledger joke rolled out by Artie Lange in Vegas: "I'm not happy [Ledger] died, but I'll finally get all the roles I was losing to Heath. 'Brokeback Mountain.' I had a great audition. I [bleep]ed the [bleep] out of Jake Gyllenhaal." [NYP]
• Scarlett Johansson is now dating Alanis Morissette's ex, but it looked like she wouldn't have his baby. Unclear what she'd do to him in a theater. [NYP]
• Jay-Z will not hold your hand in front of his girlfriend, even for a stupid Grammy you earned with him. [ShowbizSpy]
• Daily News described horror scene at Fashion Week portable toilets, decided not to go with obvious bulimia jokes.
• Very pregnant Halle Berry even more beautiful and perfect. [TMZ]
• Whitney Houston emerged, apparently sane. [TMZ]
• Paris Hilton's movie was seen by roughly 10 people per theater on its entire opening night. That's a real statistic. [TMZ]
• Lenny Kravitz "almost" became a farmer after four months on a Brazilian farm. For some reason he decided to remain a celebrity and also buy an iPhone. [ShowbizSpy]
• Paul McCartney tells his ex wife he lost $6 million on his world tour. [Gatecrasher]