Smothered Clooney Finally Free

• Yes, George Clooney is single again. Ex-girlfriend Sarah Larson was "sweet" but "they had little in common." More revealing: she moved so much crap into his house during their brief relationship that he has to move out while she hauls it all away. [In Touch]
• Kate Hudson is making Owen Wilson depressed again, this time by running around with Lance Armstrong. Wilson's drinking. [OK!]
• Naomi Campbell was charged in connection with her Heathrow meltdown, in which she went after two airport cops: Three counts of assulting a constable, one count of disorderly conduct and two counts of threatening or abusing cabin crew. The supermodel faces up to six months as the vicious ruler of whatever jail they put her in. [BBC]
• Supposedly rehabbed Kirsten Dunst is looking "wobbly" at a bar. Sigh. [Rush & Molloy]
• Drunk-driving starlet Mischa Barton is running away from everyone, dropping out of press events in Cannes and London. [P6]
• Apparently Harrison Ford never married Calista Flockhart. It's so easy to lose track. [Hollyscoop]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially reproducing. The musicians said they wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester to announce. And, you know, until after the wedding two weeks ago. [People]

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Marry

Oprah's Dogs Get Pharaoh Treatment

• This gold bust of Oprah features two dogs above her head, begins showing next week at a gallery and is intended to highlight "the overlooked threat of accidental pet fatality by common household products." [Oh No They Didn't] (Photo from Caplakesting.com via OhNoTheyDidn't)
• There are rumors of a sex tape involving crazy Britney Spears and former slimy hanger-on and alleged drugger Adnan Ghalib. Also, there are again rumors Spears is pregnant. All this according to the Sun, which provides no details whatsoever. [Sun]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz sent out Evites for their wedding, then started auctioning off press access. The bidding is somewhere above $1 million, because it is surely a once-in-a-lifetime event for both bride and groom: "Ashlee is so needy - she just hangs all over Pete... He's always had a thing for vulnerable girls... I can't imagine one would ever leave the other." [Daily News]
• Michelle Trachtenberg of Gossip Girl fainted Tuesday night at a Sunglass Hut store in SoHo. [P6]
• Angelina Jolie confirmed the rumors she is pregnant with twins on the Today show, where she was plugging the movie Kung Fu Panda. None of her previous opportunities to speak out on the matter provided equivalent gravitas. [P6]
• Pete Doherty buys pregnant mice to feed to his cat, probably to keep them from slashing him up again. [Sun]

World's Sanest Family Seeks New Thetan

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]
• Paris Hilton isn't engaged to singer Benji Madden, she's just wearing those two diamond bands on her ring finger in an effort to look extremely desperate. She also claimed, "I cook great lasagna," which pesumably involves toggling between 30, 50 and 100 percent power on the microwave when the Stouffer's is in there. [People]
• Liv Tyler is separating from her husband Royston Langdon, a British musician. [People]
• Defeated American Idol contestant Jason Castro on forgetting lyrics on camera: "I definitely did not do that on purpose." [ET]
• Ashlee Simpson calls fellow singer Britney Spears a "trashy girl" on an excruciating celebrity talk show improbably run by Nokia. Also, apparently a "Britney Spears" is code for "a beer" in some parts of the world. [Sun]
• That painting of actor Heath Ledger, for which he posed just prior to his death, won the people's choice award at the Archibald Prize Exhibition in Australia, where the painter lives. [People]

Scientology Prince May Lose His Princess

• Katie Holmes is said by Star to be planning a "trial separation" from Tom Cruise amid her plans to come to New York, where she might act in the play All My Sons. There's a battle over Suri. [Star]
• Britney Spears clocked some time on the treadmill, renewed the restraining order against ex-hanger-on Sam Lutfi, enrolled in voice lessons and spent two days in a recording studio, messing around. The singer was playing the pianno and singing "just for fun," or at least that's how she rolled until someone leaked everything to the media.
• Tori Spelling, in her own words: "I'm a huge fan of gays... They love me; I love them. They consider me kind of a gay icon, which they've labeled me as." [Reuters]
• A character dies in the Sex And The City movie, according to Cynthia Nixon. We don't know who or how important, just "a character." In other words, it's a movie. [P6]
• According to Naomi Campbell, British Airways, which has banned the supermodel, begged her to fly with them again but she refused because they disrespected her. No one in the entire world will ever believe that story, but plucky Page Six called BA just to confirmit is indeed total bullshit. [P6]
• Welcome to the family, Pete Wentz: The musician's father-in-law-to-be is already trying to broker pictures of the forthcoming baby Wentz didn't want to talk about. Ashlee Simpson's dad wants $1 million, the magazines are thinking less than $100,000. At least we know who leaked the pregnancy news. [P6]
• A plastic surgeon published a children's book on his profession called "My Beautiful Mommy." [Perez]
• David Cross is dating a woman 19 years younger, Amber Tamblyn of Joan of Aracadia. Or at least making out with her at a big movie opening. [P6]
• The father of Minnie Driver's baby is a San Francisco musician, Craig Zolezzi (pic). [Hollyscoop]

Pregnancy "Witch Hunt" Snares Ashlee Simpson

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
• Amy Fisher, meanwhile, happily confirmed she is pregnant, with her third child. [OK!]
• Elizabeth Taylor mixed booze with prescription drugs, began vomiting and couldn't breathe. Her assistant rushed her to the hospital and Taylor went home the same day. All according to the National Enquirer. [Perez]
• Kate Moss, the supermodel who is not banned for life from British Airways, was livid after the airline lost a $20,000 bracelet she bought as a gift for a friend, along with the Louis Vuitton bag it was in. The airline had a disaster of a time trying to open a new terminal at Heathrow last week and an untold number celebrities were inconvenienced and even mortally embarrassed. [Sun]
• Without the stabilizing influence of normal parents like Britney Spears', Lindsay Lohan needs constant monitoring by her best friend to stay out of trouble. [P6]
• Heather Mills convinced Donald Trump to let her help host the Miss USA Pageant despite her extraordinary demands, and was then booed and hissed by audience members. The Paul McCartney ex hailed the appearance as evidence that she is beloved in the U.S. [P6]
• Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow worked out at the gym together in London. [Splash]

Simpson, Wentz One Step Closer To Reproducing

• Ashlee Simpson confirmed she is planning to marry fellow musician Pete Wentz. [Sun]
• Whitney Houston's boy toy Ray-J, 27, is taunting the pop diva's ex Bobby Brown:"Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend . . . I think the problem is you don't beat it right . . . Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes." Use of the verb "beat" is wrong in so many ways, here. [P6]
• Relapsed addict Pat O'Brien the only person in the world who wants his old job hosting "The Insider," so he gets it. [P6]
• Prince got paid close to $5 million to perform at the Coachella music festival. [Perez]
• Sean Penn is reconciling with his wife Robin Wright Penn. The actor even dedicated a song to her, at a Pearl Jam concert, because he is 14 years old. [OK!]
• Rob Lowe's former nanny withstands the actor's withering HuffPo blog post, stands by story. [OK!]

Failed Gawker Editor Wrote The Times' "Crash Course in Online Gossip"

Pete Wentz Jokingly Calls Self An Asshole, No One Laughs

"Excuse me, Red, But I Think There's A Famous Person In There!"

Jessica Simpson Ruined Britney's Comeback Chances

Katie Holmes And Britney Spears Have Been Unleashed

Two equally frightening-exciting announcements this morning! How great! How scary!

Pete Wentz's Bar Is Full Of Dicks

In the real New York, bar bathrooms serve as fitting rooms for trying on potential pairings, an all-important step before making that one-night commitment. Luckily for us, Slut Machine has been around all the blocks. In this occasional column, she rates which restrooms of N.Y.C.'s watering holes are best for non-traditional restroom activities. It's liberating watching someone express her sexuality so wholeheartedly!

When I read Angels and Kings investor Jamison Ernest's comment about how he hopes people will have sex in his new bar's bathrooms, I couldn't help but view it as a challenge.

Remainders: Our Little Ashlee's All Grown Up

God Will Smite Jessica Simpson's Breasts

[Jessica and Ashlee Simpson] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.

Gossip Roundup: Liza's Valtrex With a 'V'

Rob Shuter Reduced to Stealing Loaves of Bread

Gossip Roundup: Gayle King Ogles 'The View'