• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

• The White House decorator and socialite social secretary Desiree Rogers (pictured) threw a lunch at the Four Seasons to hobnob with some New York media bigshots. Who paid? Is there a right answer to that question?
• Barack Obama's "confidante" swears the president has his BlackBerry videogame habit under control. He can quit playing "BrickBreaker" any time he wants. [Star]
• The president's top pick to head the Department Health and Human Services constantly returns things after wearing them once. And we're going to trust this monster with out childrens' lives?? [P6]
• Madonna is planning to bring Brazilian model Jesus Luz to the Oscars. [OK!]
• Angelina Jolie might run into Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars, so she wants to spend $20 million on a diamond necklace. High-end jewelers are whiny about this, since they can afford to be, in this booming economy. [OK!]
• The father of Nadya Suleman's first six babies apparently can't figure out when he himself was born. [Us]
• Bruce Wasserstein, the Lazard chief and New York magazine owner, had a baby between his third and fourth wives with a woman he reportedly promised to help get pregnant. But he must have eventually promised a bit more because now he's involved with raising the child. [P6]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are maybe in a big not-talking-or-being-at-the-same-ridiculous-party-together fight. [Gatecrasher]

• Lindsay Lohan ditched Samantha Ronson to spend an evening with Sean Penn in West Hollywood. Dinner and a club. Maybe she's broken up with Samantha Ronson, forever, or maybe she's just another one of Penn's unlikely Oscar-season companions.
• That a Greenwich Village Block Association president can trade her influence for a photo in Vanity Fair and a prime table at the Waverly Inn is either a travesty for the democratic process or an example of its amazing power, depending on where you sit. Graydon Carter appears to be top from either vantage point. [P6]
• The Huffington Post inauguration ball will feature Leonardo DiCaprio. Ten bucks says that's the biggest celebrity the Newseum will ever draw. [ET]
• You're Britney Spears. Dressing for your brother's wedding. Just how far down your chest does the neckline go? This far. [Sun]
• Ashley Olsen doesn't wash her hands after peeing in movie theaters. Or maybe it's Mary-Kate Olsen who doesn't wash her hands in cinema bathrooms. It's the perfect crime. [P6]
• R. Kelly is officially divorced. [People]

Marie Claire's is of course only the latest message to illustrate the perils of forgetting to put addresses on the Bcc: line instead of To:. Fox News' Susan Estrich and Mediabistro's Laurel Touby have similarly embarrassed themselves.

But Marie Claire included some A-listers among the usual stew of New York media people. Their email addresses are now overexposed! Time for new GMail accounts or whatever! Which is easy enough, but reconfiguring iPhones and BlackBerrys could waste literally days, collectively!

A partial list of victims:

• Tina Fey
• Ashley Olsen
• Maggie Gyllenhaal
• Rachel Weisz
• Lindsay Lohan
• Jeremy Piven
• Oliver Platt
• Sandra Oh
• Sean Avery
• Nina Garcia

Keep them in your prayers!

Aaron_Altman's new line beats the original, Tiny Star Stands Before Her Daily Judging Committee.

Us
"Inside Her Family Tragedy." Honestly? Too sad to read about J. Hud's awful triple murders. Also, the latest news is that kid had his hand hacked off. What else was inside? Dancing With The Stars' Maksim Chmerkovskiy was quoted saying that his costars Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke needed to do something about their weight, but now he says that his words were taken out of context: "I want them to know that I wasn't calling them heavy, because they aren't." Lastly: Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are only going to be in five or six episode of the new season of Project Runway. Celebrities will fill in the rest of the time. Plus! Mood fabrics has an L.A. branch, but it was too far from the filming site, so producers "simply placed a Mood sign on a different storefront." WTF?
Grade: F (razor blade-filled apple)

Life & Style
"Carrie Calls Jessica Fat." Intern Margaret says, "It's not that there wasn't stuff in this magazine, it's just that the stuff in there made me want to vomit." Here's the deal: A "friend" of Carrie Underwood's said that Carrie has been sniping about Jessica Simpson's body. Carrie thinks Jess is attractive but wouldn't want to be "so buxom and top heavy." A "pal" of Jessica's says her current stylists don't know how to dress someone with big boobs. Jessica says: "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself." Um. Okay. Then the story spins off into a four-page battle of "skinny vs. curvy" — side by side pictures of women, sometimes battling themselves. The magazine talks to men — Zac Efron, Penn Badgley, Christian Siriano! — and asks them which they prefer. One guy actually says, "A hybrid of skinny and curvy would be the ultimate." It's such a mindfuck (Fig. 1, 2). Travis Barker had dinner with his daughter; he's out and about a little bit. There's a six page "exclusive" with Larry Birkhead called "Saying Goodbye To Anna Nicole." It involves staged pictures of Larry and baby Dannielynn packing up all the pink stuff in the house. They're moving because there's no backyard. Lastly, in a new section called "Dr. Rey's Casebook," Dr. Robert Rey from Dr. 90210 "weighs in on which A-list assets deserve top billing, and which ones could use a little work." He says Heather Graham needs a boob lift and Cameron Diaz would look better with Lindsay Lohan's chest.
Grade: D- (tooth brush)

In Touch
"Jen Looks Pregnant." Apparently it is cover-worthy news that some people think that Jennifer Aniston's tummy looks enlarged and she's been hiding it (Fig. 3). The magazine notes that "all of her friends have kids." Also, if it's John Mayer's baby, "it would explain why they are back together." Moving on: Reese is finally ready to marry Jake Gyllenhaal. A "pal" says she is "not a very spontaneous person" and the wedding will happen "in 2009." Very specific! There are two pages called "Why Won't Tom & Katie Put A Coat On Suri?" (Fig. 4). George Clooney is back with ex-gf Krista Allen because she is "independent" and "not clingy." A-Rod sent Madonna a 22-karat gold bracelet with a single charm that reads "bashert," which reads "meant to be" in Yiddish. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together. Angelina went to Afghanistan on October 21 to visit refugees left homeless by the fighting against the Taliban as part of her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. She cried. Lastly, everyone in Hollywood is wearing the Black Halo Jackie O. dress (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (marshmallow "circus" peanuts)

OK!
"Wedding & New Baby In Weeks!" So, if Brad and Angie get hitched, it wouldn't be a "big, white affair" says a "family friend." It will be "very elegant, though" with "vows they write themselves." And it will either happen at the French chateau or in New Orleans. Expect no more than 25 guests: Jonny Lee Miller, Brad's mom and dad, James Haven. The same friend says, "To Brad and Angie, marriage is a piece of paper." Moving on: The story titled "Jen & Gerard's SEXY DATE" informs us that Ms. Aniston and Gerard Butler are in talks to star in a comedy together. Fourteen-year-old Mark Indelicato, who plays Justin on Ugly Betty, is gonna be Hannah Montana for Halloween. "I'm going to get a Hannah Montana T-shirt, the wig and the guitar that sings," he says. "It's going to be awesome." Oh, Tyra was a bully! "In elementary school, I was a mean girl," she says. "I would kick girls out of our group and make them go play with the non-popular kids. I was pretty bad." Nick Cannon was DJing a party in New York, and ten minutes into Nick's set, Mariah snuck out to talk to Donatella Versace. "She clearly wasn't into Nick's music at all," a source says. Page 59 asserts that Tina Fey's 3-year-old daughter Alice wears a $1300 Judith Ripka pearl necklace. Tina, say it ain't so! Or maybe it was a gift???
Grade: D+ (stale candy corn)

Star
"Angie's Humiliating Betrayal!" Brad Pitt has been flirting with his Inglourious Basterds costar, Diane Kruger. They were in Troy together, but she was married back then! Angelina is scared that Brad is gonna do to her what he did to Jen. Plus, Brad went on an Oktoberfest bender with Quentin Tarantino, which Quentin called their "whores and beer" night. There's no confirmation that whores were in attendance, btw. Brad came home super late and he and Angie got into a "screaming match." She told him she'd leave if he started up with Diane. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality starlet had a blonde moment and forgot to turn off her mic in the bathroom? No, the crew couldn't hear her flush, but they could hear her do a few lines of coke." Funny headline: "Parents To Miley: Don't End Up Like Jamie Lynn!" Another great headline: "Twin Peaks: Mary-Kate & Ashley Battle Over Matching Boob Jobs." Ashley Olsen wants to get implants, so she asked MK to get them at the same time, so it wouldn't be as obvious that she got work done. A source says: "That way they could say they both matured and are filling out naturally." They are 22. MK was horrified and said no way. They've already had nose jobs, btw (Fig. 6). Katie Holmes has a crush on her All My Sons costar, Patrick Wilson. He's married. Tom has bodyguards around Katie at all times; they spy on her and report back to him. Jennifer Aniston has hired a wedding planner! Last week she popped the question to John Mayer, now she's planning her ceremony. She says she's meeting with celebrity wedding planner Mindy Weiss to plan a 40th birthday party, but Star says Aniston's working on a beach wedding in Los Cabos, Mexico. She wants people doing tequila poppers and listening to a mariachi band. Jen wants to wear a simple white dress with flowers in her hair; a flowing "Mexican peasant" look. Coco Cox-Arquette will be the flower girl. Pete Wentz will be the best man. Lastly, there is a 5 page feature on laundry tips with pictures of stars picking up their dry cleaning.
Grade: C (generic chocolate bar)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Boomp3.com

Pint size media mogul Ashley Olsen took further advantage of her mogul status as she cut through the line at LAX early on Tuesday morning. In addition to moving ahead in line, Olsen did not have to crawl on her hands and knees to breeze past the rest of the line. Olsen said, "Airport lint is hell on my jeans."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

es-ki-mo's new line beats the original, "Our Bodyguards Are Twins Too! We Found Them At a Bar In Southie."

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]
• Lauren Conrad's flack said the reason her clothes are clogging up store racks is because they are selling so incredibly well. Same with the buy-one-get-one-free offer. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen's flakey artist boyfriend doesn't get along with Ashley Olsen's much more blue collar boyfriend, whose occupations is "famous movie star." Such enormous differences to overcome with these four! [Star]
• Lindsay Lohan is presently feeling interested in headbands and human child adoption. [The London Paper]
• Britney Spears visited some kids in the Bronx and looked cleaned up and sane. Apparently getting that way involved banning her cousin and former assistant Alli Sims from her entire life.
• Adnan Ghalib said there is no sex tape with him and Spears, and he's going to sue someone to prove it. [Sun]

She asked that her sister take a "step back from her current responsibilities until she has her personal life together.” Harsh.

Though they are distinct in many different physical ways, the twins seem to differ most in their ideology. They're very separate at work, Ashley apparently the more focused one. Mary-Kate smokes Marlboro Reds and pursues a public life—darting off often to trendy Manhattan clubs and appearing in marijuana-themed television and movies (Weeds, The Wackness). Ashley has laid more low (though, not that low... she did date Lance Armstrong) choosing to focus on their Dualstar empire. But they still talk often of the magical bond they share, so maybe it's all a lie and everything's happy and there is no row at, um, The Row.

Gurgle.

The pair is renting a humble garret on the street for $12,000 a month, and have wildly disrupted the sleepy, well-insulated-from-ugly-poor-people feel of the exclusive enclave. They rumble up at all hours of the night in their enormous mink-fur powered assault vehicles, teetering up the stairs in slinky club-wear. Their security guards often shoo away the languid wealthy who sit on the building's stoop so the girls can enter their building unmolested. A rep for the twins says "If there were significant issues, you would think that the neighbors would address Ashley or Mary-Kate directly, rather than calling the media." Which would make sense if normal people lived in that part of town, but mostly they're entitled and silly, so this response is not all that surprising.

But through it all, their sad cries continue. ""It is a peaceful, quiet street," a mournful resident keened. "Plenty of other celebrities around this block are good neighbors and blend in with the neighborhood - but these two are invaders."

[P6]

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."
• Bill and Hillary Clinton said they aren't going to David "Obama" Geffen's stupid party at the Democratic convention, and Geffen said they weren't invited anyway, mumbling something about what the fatties would do to his catering bill. [P6]
• In between macking sessions with boyfriend Justin Bartha, Ashley Olsen consumed two Bloody Mary's and "a little bit" of spaghetti. In other words, a balanced diet. [P6]
• Someone is domain squatting AshleyDupre.com. But that's not the Spitzer hooker's real name, and she's probably not about to try to explain to some court how she established ownership over the pseudonym, so... Point to the domain squatter! [R&M]
• I had never heard that Lindsay Lohan's 14-year-old sister Ali got breast implants until Lindsay blogged a heated denial. [People]
• Jennifer Aniston's rebound rebound rebound man is said to be Matt Felker, a model. Meanwhile, John Mayer and Pete Wentz are hanging out more.
• Paris Hilton denied that she's dumped Benji Madden for the CEO of MySpace. [The Awful Truth]
• Because America will never tire of brutal torture on the part of insane, gung-ho law enforcement authorities, drunk driver and enemy of military training Keifer Sutherland would like to make a movie based on 24. [OK!]
• Tori Spelling says she'd still like to be in the 90210 spinoff, and implies she only dropped out because of the timing of her kid. [OK!]

• The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget [Comedy Central]

• If nothing else, all this new Heath Ledger investigation press may help generate interest, to the extent that's possible, in the Olsen Twins' coffee table book in which they interview their influences. [Scoop - third item]
• That one time the America's Next Top Model contestant walloped the 4-foot-11 Hairspray star over some airport lounge seats? And the Hairspray star's dad beat the model's mom so bad she had to go to the hospital? Apparently there may be some lawsuits out of that situation. [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan's dad will probably not attend a lesbian wedding between the actress and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, should one ever occur. In case you were wondering. [Scoop]
• Kelly Rutherford, the Gossip Girl "hot mom," named her son Hermés after the designer label. Classy! [P6]
• Amy Winehouse's dad to try his hand at radio. [Mirror]
• Sad Paris Hilton had to wait half an hour to get into Lily Pond. [Mirror]

We'll let our informant take the floor and set the pre-Hartnett scene for us:

"Kirsten came in on the early side with a matching blonde wingwoman, and she definitely didn't look like the dirty-haired slob most sightings have depicted her as. She was bubbly, giggly, bouncing from friend to friend near the bar and enjoying the music upstairs. At one point she asked me for a cigarette and a light, so I handed her one, but before I could fetch a lighter, some heroic hipster-y looking guy swept up and took over celebrity cigarette lighting responsibilities. She was smiley all night, wearing a girly grunge flannel shirt and skinny jeans. The Olsen twin came in with a huge posse around the same time, but the two stars didn't say a word to each other all night. The MK/Ashley hybrid planted herself by the DJ's booth and chain-smoked all night while hush-hush gossiping with a tight group of friends."

But it seems that as soon as master thespian Josh showed up around 1am, Dunst abandoned her cigarette bumming and devoted all her attention to the newly shaven star:

"As soon as Josh came in with a couple of wingmen of his own, Kirsten went straight towards him and spent a good half hour laughing and chatting him up by the bar — their faces were so close, they might as well have been eskimo-kissing. And even though Kirsten followed Josh whenever he changed rooms, up the stairs when he went up to survey the dance floor still lorded over by the seated Olsen, and down the stairs when he needed a refill, he was definitely reciprocating. The one non-nauseating sight? Didn't see Dunst take one sip of anything. MK/Olsen/Whichever, on the other hand..."

The icing on the cake? Another source tells us, "My friend saw Josh and Kirsten leave together." And somehow we doubt all that flirting didn't end with a handshake on the curb.

[Photo credit: Getty]

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