The short answer is probably not, but she sure will try. We speculated that her busty cover of GQ and her SNL gig were a play for career-after-Mad Men because creator Matthew Weiner wasn't bringing her back. (And given the show's relatively low salary, she'd wouldn't mind moving on.) She had an uphill struggle because many people (including plenty of our regular commenters and even her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher) believe that because she plays an icy, passive character on the show that she can't act. While her cleavage did wonders for her public image, she did herself no favors with her lame stab at sketch comedy over the weekend.

Now that everyone thinks she can't act, her chances at movie star fame ruined, and Betty Draper's proximity to the central plot on the wane (if her character isn't cut entirely), what is Ms. Jones to do? Here are her options:

Indie Film: If she gets a plum role in an Oscar-bait indie and knocks the role out of the park, she could redeem herself and establish some much-needed street cred. Just look at what Precious is doing for Mo'Nique (of all people) right now.

Procedural: They must be casting for NCIS: Twin Cities or some shit like that. Actors in these jobs just need to be able to look good and deliver their lines, which we know that she can do. It's not going to win her any awards, but it will be a steady acting job and a big fat paycheck for years to come.

Girlfriend Roles: Join the Judd Apatow crew or play the remarkably attractive love interest for some schlub like Adam Sandler. If the movie hits big no one will confuse you with a Stella Adler devotee, but you'll be able to get some more jobs out of it.

Obscurity: She doesn't have to be an actress. Maybe she would be better suited as a lunch lady who mumbles to herself, "I used to be someone!" We always did see her in hair nets.

Sex Tape: This will get her tons of attention, but in terms of work, the best she can hope for is a reality project (see Hilton, Paris and Kardashian, Kim). Still it would be lots of fun to watch!

[Image via Getty]

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
• 
  
• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
• 
  
• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
• 
  
• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
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• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
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• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
• 
  
• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
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• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
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• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

Daily Show producer Miles Kahn frantically tweeted to hide from his shame.

Io9's Annalee Newitz found something that could bring together mind control fantasists and anime fetishists. Finally! It's the chocolate+peanut butter of nerd porn.

Food blogger Kathrina Manalac called bullshit on McSweeney's twee literary "newspaper."

The New York Times' Jennifer 8. Lee continued to fearlessly cozy up to the sort of software that runs the internet.

Ashton Kutcher has something for your mother.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Pamela Anderson should be investigated for breaking child labor laws after having a 9-year old girl hold her dress train and sit at her feet at this week's Hollywood Style Awards. Or that's what a Child Labor Coalition spokesman thinks: "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress." This could be bigger than the Triangle Factory Fire. [Page Six]
  
  
• Do people really have to ask why Rush Limbaugh's still a member of the infamously racist Everglades Club in Palm Beach? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh no! Katy Perry better watch out: Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend says he's incapable of monogamy. Their breakup would be the death of love forever. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 he took from a joint account he and wife Kate share. So now maybe that money can go toward, you know, his gaggle of children. [Star]
  
  
• Jeffrey Tambor, who plays the Bluth family patriarch on Arrested Development, recently gave birth to a pair of twin boys. Well, his wife Kasia did the actual birthing, but let's not parse here, okay? [People]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook have finally signed their divorce settlement. Does this mean their tabloid war will die down? Doubtful: Cook's lawyers yesterday described Brinkley as a "bitter, vindictive, angry woman," while Brinkley reminded us all that Cook's been called an "extreme narcissist." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paris Hilton adopted a ridiculous pet — a pig — and animal activists are mad as hell. This all seems so familiar. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Very important news: Peaches Geldof is now blonde again. All those hunger strikes paid off. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Swoon: Jordan Catalano himself, Jared Leto, has joined the fight for gay marriage. [E!]
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher once told then-girlfriend January Jones that she wouldn't be good at acting. And now she's proving him wrong on Mad Men. Well, she's famous because of Mad Men. Whether she's a good actress remains open to debate. [NYDN]

The New York Times' Stephanie Clifford posted a picture of an adorable kitten on the internet in a shameless bid to be associated, on the internet, with an adorable kitten — who just so happens to need your urgent help. Well. We would never do anything like that. (Kitty photo courtesy Clifford, btw. Ahem.)

Heidi Montag of The Hills has developed a dance move just for The Gays, presumably in a special lab of some sort.

Above the Law's David Lat, meanwhile, testified to the very precise targeting abilities of said lab.

Ashton Kutcher is just growing up so fast, isn't he, Demi?

Tech writer Milo Yiannopoulos issued a seemingly unlikely retweet of fameballer Julia Allison. The disdain was implied.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

The most obvious of those realities is that Dame Elizabeth Taylor, now 77, isn't going to be with us forever, and that is a sad thought indeed.

Dear Friends, I would like to let you know before it gets in the papers that I am going into the hospital to have a procedure on my heart...It's very new and involves repairing my leaky valve using a clip device, without open heart surgery, so that my heart will function better...Any prayers you happen to have lying around I would dearly appreciate. I'll let you know when it's all over. Love you, Elizabeth

Taylor rose to fame in an age when stars images were handled by the iron hand of the studio system's publicity machine. Now she is sending out statements of her hospitalization in 160 character bursts. While we applaud Taylor for keeping up with technology enough to twitter (or at least savvy enough to hire someone to do it for her), that the old guard has fallen under its sway means that we are going to be stuck with oversharing celebrities assaulting us with their private thoughts and personal details until the end of time.

If Dame E is in on the game, it means that Ashton, Demi, and the rest of the entertainers with over active thumbs and a healthy sense of narcissism aren't going to be the end of the craze, but that new stars who we haven't even imagined yet will be even worse. In 50 years, we'll be following AnnaLynne McCord via real-time streaming 3-D webcam feed as she is rushed to the hospital for her fourth surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. You can't stop the march of progress, but today we're shedding a tear for when celebrities knew the best thing for their image was often to keep a bit of distance.

• What is Demi Moore's problem? She and her husband Ashton Kutcher did everything to publicize their Twitter presence. But now that she's queen bee, she's becoming more picky and totally dissed Sarah Brown, wife to Britain's prime minister. The nerve! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham arrived to New York for Fashion Week, but finds it unfashionable to discuss whether she had her chest reduced: "We should just not talk about each other's boobs." Why? We always have to see yours. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Oh no! Chef Mario Batali and his business partner are being sued for nearly $75,000 after failing to pay their rent. [Page Six]
  
  
• Could Anna Wintour's "Fashion's Night Out" be costing people their jobs? Rumor has it that modeling agencies are threatening to blacklist their models unless said models work for their company's events this evening. That business is ugly! [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Matthews had to miss Obama's big speech because he fell ill after some diabetes tests. He'll be out for the rest of the week, thanks to American health care. [TVNewser]
  
  
• Former New York City mayor and alleged homosexual Ed Koch knows the word "fuck." Pass it on. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and her nameless husband are adopting a child. Because that woman needs to be influencing another living thing. [ET]
  
  
• A Prairie Home Companion star Garrison Keillor remains in the hospital after suffering a minor stroke. That's too bad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Speaking of potty mouths, Kate Moss didn't appreciate when comedian James Nesbitt poked fun at her sex life during GQ's Men of the Year Awards. Her reply to his joke that they had screwed: ""He's so fucking rude. I'll never come to one of these fucking awards ceremonies again!" Oh, also, she totally got drunk and had zits. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Playboy mogul High Hefner has filed for divorce after his wife allegedly cheated on him. Here's a lesson, ladies: don't cheat on Hugh. It's simply not done. [Reuters]

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

Kutcher pointedly notes his lack of compensation in the attached clip from Monday's Tonight Show. He even mentions equity; is Kutcher hinting he'd like some pre-IPO shares in the hot microblogging startup? He's certainly put in sweat equity, and not just by uploading pictures of his scantily-clad wife: Kutcher has posted some 3,000 tweets to his 3 million followers. Oprah Winfrey, in contrast, has written just 56 tweets, to 2 million followers.

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

• Jon Gosselin, sigh, is now vehemently denying any kind of romance with Star Reporter Kate Major, and has now become part of a gossip cycle where everyone - including yours truly - is being played by some guy who helped a lady pop out eight kids and a Star reporter. Apparently he told somebody at Zombie Radar: "Oh my God, I can't believe she did this to me...What do I do? She's totally [expletive] me over!" Well, the first thing you should do is stop talking to people at Zombie Radar. If it's advice you're after, you should ask someone from Radar 3.0. They'd know what to do. The second thing you should do: have a vasectomy. Make sure you can never, ever procreate again. It's just a bad idea. The next thing you should do is burn any clothing you've purchased over the last few months. Then you should tell Kate Major to go away. Sell the place you just bought in New York, and move back to Pennsylvania. Get a place nearby (it can even be your "gangsta-ass pimp pad" or whatever, if that's really what you need) so your wife - ravenous with power over your guys' eight little moneymakers - can not raise eight human beings whose sole reason for existence is to talk about what a fuckhead they think you are, because if you leave her to her own device, that's exactly what she's going to do. She will raise eight people who will inevitably hate you, only kind of hate her, and be way more like her than you. And if the world goes to war with each other and everyone has to take a side, you'll be lucky if they don't bayonet you. And that's what you get for hanging out with a Star reporter. She's saying that you guys are bumping uglies and you're surprised?! Jon Gosselin, sigh. [NYDN and NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and he wants his own reality show. Seperate from Kate and the kids. Please give me your tenative titles in the comments, I'll be busy having an ulcer. [E!]
  
  
• Speaking of terrible parents churning out children for the sole reason of creating a profitable enterprise, Octomom - who should be the next Spider Man villain on name alone, and I can't be the first one to think of this: she throws her children at you and they beg you to take them away, she's powered by Zombie Radar and her Achilles Heel is the sad apathy of the world which isn't so much sad as it is generally fair - just signed her kids into a labor agreement. Each kid gets $250/day, and she's looking at around $250,000 over three years, and the other six kids...don't get nothin'. Yeah: so eight of her kids are getting paid for the reality show, the other six get bupkes. Which won't create any kind of inferiority complex. At all. [NYDN]
  
  
• When you think "Lindsay Lohan" and "shakes," you probably think of a reaction involving sniffable drugs, particularly, imported South American Class A narcotics that fall under the "stimulants" family (Anexcitablefamilyforsure!). Well, in this instance, you'd be wrong: she's getting an ice cream shake named after her! She showed up at the same L.A. shop that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag got shakes named after them at 1:30 A.M. to promote her new shake. It's a mix of Vanilla Ice Cream, Chocolate Swirls, and Oreo Cookie, which is essentially an Oreo Blizzard. Then again, the results probably more than resemble a common reaction after a long night of blow, ew, so maybe you were right the first time. Mind: out of gutter, into toilet. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Newsflash: Jessica Biel spends lots of time in the gym. [ShowbizSpy]
  
  
• Walking slutty Halloween costume Megan Fox thinks she looks hot. There should be a national referendum on this: Can you get past Megan Fox's freaky thumbs to think she's hot? I'd vote "Yes," but only because I have a thing for freaky appendages, specifically thumbs. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kelis thinks her new son is perfect. Well, yes. For one thing, there's only one of them. For another, he's GOD'S SON'S SON, SON. [US Weekly]
  
  
• So, Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a road trip across Spain with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman but wouldn't eat anything but fish on the trip - seriously - yesterday showed her GOOP readers how to cook chicken. Some Daily News writer did a helpful play-by-play of the video, which includes quotes like this: "I feel inspired to cook all the time...It's sort of what I lie in bed and think about at night which is maybe a problem." On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, your mans is Chris Martin, and he's busy mourning his career before it's already over and walking around looking all sad in a cape. Marital bliss: a wonderful thing. Hopefully your recipes don't call for any apples and you end up accidentally cooking your ridiculously-named child. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• The L.A. coroner's office is being investigated for leaking details of Michael Jackson's death to the press for cash. Meanwhile, it occurs to me that this would've made for a great episode of Six Feet Under. [AP via NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law hit a female paparazzo (paparazza?) in the face and thinks it's funny. Jude Law: dick! [PITNB]
  
  
• Joe Francis is awesome at being Professionally Sleazy: he bought off guards in jail at Reno by having his homeboy drop off Cartier watches, gift cards to Saks Fifth Avenue, and, uh, a big screen TV? Anyway, the cops just got busted, and Joe Francis is somewhere getting some girl who turned 18 yesterday to take her top off for a hat. [TMZ]
  
  
• LeAnn Rimes is learning how to live without her husband, because they've been living in separate digs for a while. More interesting than this is the fact that People thought this item was worth picking up, on, and also, remember, like, twelve years ago? [People]
  
  
• Ha, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock doesn't really care for Robert Pattinson. [People]
  
  
• Ashton Koosher says Meesha Barton's "doing great." Take it from him. Honestly, he probably doesn't know the first thing about doing drugs, because WHO WOULD WANT TO DO BLOW WITH ASHTON KOOSHER? Just sayin. [Reuters]

• Is Britney Spears cheating on her boyfriend/agent with some wanker named Dallas Austin? She was rumored to have spent a couple of days at his house in Atlanta, where they probably did lots and lots of boning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Christina Hendricks, who plays Joan on Mad Men, says she's been dying hair red for the last 20 years because she feels like a redhead inside. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, is definitely the subject of a homicide probe by the LAPD. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt says that he often talks to Angelina Jolie while she is sitting on the toilet doing, well, you know. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt laid into Ashton Kutcher for taking a picture of his wife's ass and posting it onto his Twitter account. [Sun]
  
  
• Two men died after a stage being set up for a Madonna concert gave way and collapsed. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• This is just basically a pic of Brad Pitt riding his motorbike, but I feel compelled to link to it anyway. [Sun]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger is going around showing off her skinny body before she piles on a bunch of fat in preparation for her role in the new Bridget Jones movie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gerard Butler says that Jennifer Aniston is a "classy lady" which means that he is most definitely boning her, in case you were wondering. [DListed]
  
  
• Pete Doherty had to get special permission from a court to be able to spend time with his sister on her birthday. [Daily Mail]

• Most Talented Person Ever Justin Timberlake and his girlfriend Jessica Biel are having relationship issues. Celebrities! They're just like us. Seriously. They are just like us. If Justin Timberlake can't make certain relationships work, nobody can! That has to be comforting. The difference being that if I were Justin Timberlake, I would just dance a bunch and then go get wasted at a bar and hop on the keys and play "Seniorita" until I find some random drunkass girl to take home with me - not to sleep with, just to show up with - and piss Jessica Biel off and be like, yeah, that's right, I'm still Justin Timberlake, what. of. it. But this is why I write for Gawker on weekends and he is Justin Timberlake, because he'd probably never do that, or if he did, it'd be far more vindictive and awesome than just bringing home some drunk girl from Pianos who will probably just puke on my shoes. Sigh. One day. [NYDN]
  
  
• Beef of the Week: Michael Bay Vs. Megan Fox. Fox argues that Transformers 2: Robots Go Smoosh isn't about the thespians so much as the giant robots breaking everything ("I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."). Bay disagrees! "Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys." Okay, except, Cage had done a bunch of stuff before 1996's The Rock, including 1995's Leaving Las Vegas, for which he won an Oscar. Affleck also won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting pre-Armegeddon, and was pretty great in Chasing Amy. Will Smith had Fresh Prince and Martin Lawrence had Martin long before Bad Boys. So, while they weren't Michael Bay stars, they were probably well on their way, regardless. Either way: damn, Gina! [US Weekly]
  
  
• And on the other side of the universe, pretty much through the Stargate of celebrity relationship issues, Gary Coleman's wife freaked out and trashed his bedroom. She was arrested on some kind of "fucking with Gary Coleman" statute they voted into law in Utah, I believe. Now, there's nothing funny about domestic violence no matter who it happens to, but: she's 5"5 and 23 but looks like she's 12 to his 4"8 and 41. Gary's pullin' em young! They met on the set of this Mormon movie (also starring: Clint Howard, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Fred Willard) reconciled on Divorce Court - that's still on? Jesus. - and now, here they are. [NYDN]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's manager has some serious mob ties. I know, I know: a bunch of you are going to be like BURYING THE LEDE! and I kind of am, here, but come on, it's not like it's unexpected. Also, how is the She-Ra of New York Theater Geighs somehow tied to mobsters? Could these two worlds be any further apart? Back through the Stargate. Also: money! [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox went out for dinner with Zac Efron and all these celebrity tabloids are like OMFG we just don't get her, but really, are you surprised? The comprehension of complex relationships and friendships that often get blurry in grey areas is far beyond your average tabloid consumer, assumes the average tabloid writer. Maybe she just likes a variety of dinner companions, you know? I do. [E!]
  
  
• Ron Perelman, Diddy, Jerry Della Femina aren't throwing down on their infamous parties this summer. Femina and Perelman canceled them all together, Diddy's taking his "White Party" to L.A. where wearing white really isn't that big of a deal because those freaks have sunshine most days, whereas we're not ever getting a fully legit summer. You know climate change in New York is bad when you begin to miss the faint smell of aged piss every time you take the Subway in July. Oh, yeah: he's teaming up with Ashton Kutcher to throw down in LA. Strange? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna's awesome: she inked up her tattoo artist (name: "Bang Bang") and two of his tattoo artist friends. She gave them umbrellas with a capital "R" underneath it. [E!]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli did some kind of Victoria's Secret shoot with Aerosmith. Guess who was wearing the panties? Come on, guess. If your answer was "Tom Hamilton," you're wrong. [Egotastic]
  
  
• There was some kind of freaky Twilight convention for fans of the series where they decended on this small Washington town to figure out where the characters of the books - not even the actors of the movie, but the characters of the books - took a shit or put out a cigarette or whatever. Even Stephanie Meyer was like, all y'all are nuts, and then she counted a bunch of her Vampire Duckets. Twilight fans are so weird. It's understandable if you're a Harry Potter fan; at least then you get to go to Foggy London Town and play with magic. Twilight fanatics are just a bunch of sexually repressed fetishists. Sorry, it's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• MySpace Celebrity Tila Tequila is writing amicus briefs now or something. She's still trying to convince people she's a lesbian, I guess. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was probably doing blow in the bathroom of some club and someone's surprised. [NYDN]
  
  
• I didn't really care about the Jonas Brothers before - and I still don't, really, at least not until one of them bounds out of the closet or Bonus Jonas starts a West Coast Gangster Rap supergroup consisting of him, Junior Mafia, The Game, and Mack 10 - but apparently one of them is marrying some nice girl from Jersey who's a "former hairdresser." This is kind of great if it isn't a carefully orchestrated stunt by Disney PR. Even if it is, the kid's finally going to get laid with the "legal" removal of his purity ring. Everyone wins. [NYDN]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are still assholes. [NYDN]

Yes, the Twitter-obsessed, Muppet-headed actor may be coming to Broadway, as one of Neil LaBute's awful male characters, to boot. The playwright/director's play Fat Pig recently received a well-reviewed production in London, and now producers plan to move the thing overseas. And Kutcher might be the lead!

So if you're not too tired out from waiting in line alllll day just to see Anne Hathaway mangle Twelfth Night (for free!) in the park this summer, maybe next season you should go drop $100 just for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see Kelso from that one show about the 70s be a jerk to a fat girl. That Miss Julie with Sienna Miller will just have to wait.

The show's creator is Amy Ephron, novelist/screenwriter/sister of Nora, and is being produced by Reveille and Brillstein Entertainment Partners, in conjunction with Twitter co-founders Evan Willams and Biz Stone, of course.

The producers call their proposed series the first to bring the immediacy of Twitter to the TV screen.

''Twitter is transforming the way people communicate, especially celebrities and their fans,'' said Reveille managing director Howard T. Owens, who expects the new project to ''unlock Twitter's potential on TV.''

No further details were made available on the show's format or when it might hit the air.

Based on the vague details about the show to emerge so far, this already stale slice of American television crapcake sort of sounds like it's intended to be an Amazing Race meets Celebrity Apprentice meets, dare we say it, Gawker Stalker, style reality show. Let's just imagine for a moment MC Hammer tweeting about sitting in a booth at a Denny's in Knoxville, Tennessee with Ashton Kutcher, which would then spur Twitter users/show competitors to race to get there before both of them can polish off their Grand Slam Breakfast plates and win a $1000. Wow, that's television gold baby!

We'd like to offer congrats to Williams and Stone, who, in a desperately misguided effort to monetize their product, just managed to brutally slay their darling in spectacular fashion. The end is nigh fellas. You guys should put in a call to Henry Winkler's people so you can place him on a surf board off the coast of South Africa in the pilot episode, just to get it over and done with.

Web Service Twitter Proposes TV Competition Series [New York Times]

Last weekend's Morality Matrix was premised around the David Brook Philosophy 101 column about re-assessing moral value. This week we look at trendy micro-blogging platform, Twitter. Oprah Winfrey and Ashton Kutcher will serve as our polarizing avatars of highbrow and lowbrow. And we know within the democratized media-masses there's a thin line between the brilliance of sharing and the nausea of TMI-overshare. With those ground rules established we scatter-graphed some of this week's news to see what tweets and what twats.

Matrix design expertise provided by: Jeff Meininger

Guest of a Guest noticed that once you start "following" Kutcher's Twitter account — signing up to receive the 140-character messages he posts on the microblogging service — it's impossible to drop him. A test verified the failure. Click on the "Remove" button, and you get an error message:

Reloading the page, as Twitter suggests, does not solve the problem.

CNN's @cnnbrk account, meanwhile, allows followers to drop it without any issue:

It's hard to imagine this was anything but a bug. But it calls into question the legitimacy of Kutcher's victory. Which is surely the worst possible outcome for anyone who viewed the race with a wearied sigh: Now the limelight-addicted blowhard is going to race someone to 2 million followers.

(Photoillustration by Richard Blakeley)

She's already set up an account. Ashton Kutcher, a big Twitter user, is scheduled to appear on the show Friday to talk about Twitter. Ex-dating columnist Julia Allison is trying to recruit other Twitterers for the show. And videoblogger Robert Scoble has posted that Oprah is going to be doing her first tweet.

With so many Internet celebrities on board, how can it not be happening?