Dobbs wished everyone "Happy St. Patrick's Day" on his radio show, because otherwise the UN guys in black helicopters will sniper him to death, immediately. Then, in defiance, he said he detests the drunken Irish holiday, along with that one for the Eye-talians, the Catholics and filthy Anglicans ("St. Joseph") and whatever those Asians do, "you know, 'St. Jin-Tao-Wow."

And also what's with the Jews? Don't they have some kind of day to worship their version of "Saints?" No? Of course not.

Thanks to Media Matters for discovering and recording this gem, a fine basis for a drinking game. How about a shot every time Lou insults, oh, a million ethnics? That will make it a short night.

I mean, look at all these rich nerds with fetching Asian ladies on their arms. We don't want to sound "offensive" but it's just a thing, you know? I mean, it's not like we blame Phelps, that girl is cute in a cocktail waitress-y way (she, um, actually is a cocktail waitress). It's just fun to watch someone nestle into a cliché so fully.

He even brought her home to Mom.

[via Guardian UK]

Spanish basketball player Jose Calderon (who's also in the NBA) wrote on his website:

It can't be long now before all of Spain's players are trotting out their close Asian friends before the cameras to tell them about that one time they came over and the Asian guy's old mom made some crazy food from China and the Spanish player totally ate it without batting an eyelash because he's really open to new cultural experiences.

Spanish newspapers also hit back at suggestions the pictures were racist, saying the team had donated money to charities helping the poor in Africa.

Well if Spain had known you people were going to be like that, maybe they were wrong to be nice to you in the first place.

[Reuters]

"I’m happy to be in the midst of so many Asian babes," he said onstage, with his 20/20 colleague Juju Chang nearby. "In fact, I’m happy that the podium covers me from the waist down." He then noted that a speech should be "like a dress on a beautiful woman — long enough to cover the important parts and short enough to keep your interest — like my colleague Juju’s." ("See what I have to put up with?" she responded.)

Haha, that is a lot to put up with! Bashir and ABC later apologized profusely. The podium still has not forgiven him.

[Daily Intel]

Nike's balls-in-face Hyperdunk poster

What happened: Nike's ad depicting a b-ball player getting posterized sports an unfortunate tagline to go with the unfortunate image, and plays on a baseline of macho homophobia. The ad is pulled just days after the company feels the awesome power of mildly piqued blog readers.

The lesson: Sports must be slightly more gay-conscious.

Winners: Gays, basketball fans (in the long run), Adidas, which makes cooler shoes.

Losers: Nikes, macho guys, those who will be deprived of this perspective on Hyperdunk technology.

Snickers and Mr. T

What happened: Snickers ad shows Mr. T in a pickup truck, shooting at a swishy speed walker with a gatling gun. Tagline: "Get some nuts!" Gays cry foul, company folds.

The lesson: Anti-gay image or tagline alone leaves deniability; both together is too much.

Winners: Gays, speed walkers.

Losers: Snickers, alpha males, remnants of Mr. T's career.

JC Penney's Teen Sex commercial

What happened: An ad agency wins an award for a shocking (in context) commercial for JC Penney that sympathetically shows two teenagers sneaking around having sex under mom's nose. The company sputters that the ad isn't authorized; the ad agency apologizes; lots of people get their ass handed to them (we imagine); an opportunity for mainstream progressivism is lost.

The lesson: Your ad agency will sell you out, big time.

Winners: The type of people who buy mom jeans.

Losers: Teens, society, ad agency rebels.

Heinz's Gay Mayo ad

What happened: Heinz ran an ad in the UK showing a man kissing a deli guy because his mayonnaise is so good. Bill O'Reilly declared the ad "obviously a gay thing," and the company decided to pull it.

The lesson: The world is still not ready to see men kiss.

Winners: Shouting heads.

Losers: Gays, deli guys, gay deli guys.

Salesgenie.com's Asian Panda Bears

What happened: Company runs Super Bowl ad featuring cartoon panda bears who speak in an exaggerated Asian accent. Outcry of anti-Asian racism ensues. Company hastily pulls the ads.

The lesson: If you're gonna fuck up, don't do it during the Super Bowl (ALSO GOES FOR FOOTBALL PLAYERS).

Winners: Asians, the New York Giants.

Losers: The idiot CEO who wrote the ad himself, his friend Bill Clinton, the New England Patriots.

[via Multicult Classics]

• From fiveinchtaint in Animal Sacrifices Still Popular Among Young Urbanites:
  "I knew Rudolph was a fucking robot. Magic my ass." - Blitzen [Sheila's pick]
• From lawyergay in Starbucks Doesn't Have Any God Damn Lemons:
  "To: Starbucks Executive VP for Global Strategy
  From: lawyergay
  Re: How to Cut Lemons

  1. Grasp a knife with a "handshake" grip in your dominant hand, holding the lemon in the other.

  2. Placing the blade perpendicular to the fruit, make repeated downward sawing motions until the lemon has been divided into two roughly equal halves.

  3. Insert knife in eye." [Hamilton's pick]

• From Nunaurbiz in Woman Wants Six Figures For Alleged Lohan Coat Theft:
  "FYI, in case anyone cares: The dead minks have voted and they want their old owner back."
• From CodePink in Symptoms of Hipsterdom Revealed:
  "You talk loudly while your roommate is watching American Idol saying "This is like the apocalypse, the end of music itself" and then your roommate kindly reminds you of the "no talking during tv" rule. You apologize, half-heartedly and get another glass of leftover plum wine. You look out your window and see an old chair in the alley. It is the shittiest looking chair you have ever seen. You want it. You go to the alley. You pick up the chair. Suddenly, you notice there is a cat who has been hiding under the chair You pick up the cat. It bites you. The cat is rabid. Now so are you. You throw the cat in the garbage. Suddenly, you develop an aversion to water. You put a DON'T TAKE SHOWERS, YO sign on the bathroom door. You start drooling and snarling whilst waiting for the L train. This gets you a date with an Asian chick. On the date, you bite the very short Asian girl on the neck. She says "Kinky" but the next day she is throwing away her Brita as she is also rabid. You both start a band called RABID. Your ex-roommate hears about your gig at Galapagos. She goes to the gig, shoots you both with a rifle because you "needed to be put down", not because of the rabies, but because you're so FUCKING ANNOYING."
• From DonPardoCalrissian in "I Love the Ghetto": Bushwick Hipsters Explain Their Outfits:
  " 'Are you taking my picture? I'm so glassily hip I don't even know what that means. My uncle's a unicorn and I came out of my mother's wee-wee.' "
• Your Party Pick this week goes to the always awe-inspiring InOtherNews..., who wove a scintillating tale of liquor and licentiousness in Saturday Night:
  "Photography. A magical medium. For instance, did you really know what Aunt Thelma was doing in Boca Raton one glorious Friday night in 1964? The "accidental poke" from a local gasoline station attendant named Billy? It was more than that. The reverse peristalsis into the waste receptacle that forever sealed "Vomiting Vivian"'s nomenclatural fate? The top-shelf liquor collection, prized by your uncle Ted, that one night disappeared into a burlap sack, hurried out of the china cabinet and into a room in the Stark Feather Inn on Viola Drive? The carpet, said the housekeeping staff, was smartly saved from a terrible fate. The sheets, the pillows, the headboard, all imbued with the scent of sex, sweat and geriatry. The ceiling fan which blew coolly onto several naked buttocks thrusting up and down into the tepid, smoke-tinged air. Vivian, Billy and Thelma were the loudest that night, said the couple in Room 215, the lady in Room 219, the teenaged acoustic band in Room 117, and the visitors from Abu Dhabi in Room 317. Security guards visited several times that evening: the clatter of billy clubs and tin shields and ruffled shirts would cause the moans to pause; the banging to cease; the groans to subside. To the door, the guards would press their ears, then gently walk away. And the fucking, pure fucking, would resume. It was clear Vivian was happy: this was her birthday gift. But was she jealous of Thelma? Perhaps, because it was all over her that Billy came. An illustrious ejaculation, surpassed only by St. Helens' two decades later, and Washington State was so far away. So Vivian gave Billy no choice: he would have to come again.

  Perhaps it was the lime slice she kept under her tongue. "To make it interesting," she said, "and because I want it to hurt a little." Billy delivered once more, and Vivian, usually of the fortitude of the schist that formed Manhattan Island, collapsed. The contents of her aged stomach churned, stirred perhaps by the salty burst: beef stroganoff, a quaff of Pabst, cherry Life Savers bought from the lobby gift shop. Thelma, realizing the great misfortune the carpet was about to suffer, thought to quickly position a trashbin at the foot of the bed. Vivian, doubled over, took a little while. In the meantime, Thelma, a little disgusted, a little emboldened, went to explore the selection of tonic. Billy, done, zipped up, buttoned a few, and noticed the man with the camera.

  He toasted.

  Thelma saw a friend outside the window.

  Vivian hurled.

  And the man with the camera, the unwitting artiste, captured a fleeting moment in history, preserving it for no-one in particular but you, my precious child. "

• Good work, everyone. Have lovely, hipster-free weekends.

"Sources" are blaming Leighton Meester, who plays bitchy (former) queen bee Blair Waldorf. Rumors are hopping around that Meester decided that she didn't like Zhang, so she had her axed. She's so method! The show's rep sticks with the original, less sensational story: "I think [Zhang] may have had another opportunity come up, but I know she was big into school. She was really sweet, but she went back to school." How terribly refreshing to hear that a model/actress on a show like Gossip Girl is "big into school." Of course, she is Asian. [Gatecrasher]

There are Asian-American stars in sports, movies, television and classical music. But the "Asian thing" is what Mr. Lee and many other aspiring Asian-American singers say largely accounts for the lack of Asian-American pop stars. People in the music industry, including some executives, have no ready explanation, but Asian-American artists and scholars argue that the racial stereotypes that hobble them as a group — the image of the studious geek, the perception that someone who looks Asian must be a foreigner — clash with the coolness and born-in-the-U.S.A. authenticity required for American pop stardom.

A forehead should be as high as the nose is long. The space between nostrils and upper lip should be a third the length of the nose. And so on.

It has been a while since women whose beauty was closer to the Pythagorean, or anyway the old-fashioned Hollywood, ideals have been seen around the business. Why? There are a lot of reasons. Mostly, though, designers did not want supermodel faces distracting from their clothes.

"We've been so used to seeing the vacant, plain, colorless girls, and now here is this utterly gorgeous girl, an old-school-type beauty who reads as a woman," James Scully, a seasoned casting director, said backstage at Stella McCartney's show Thursday.... "She's so different from the Russians," Ms. Wolf of Harper's Bazaar said. "She's tall, for one thing, and at the moment there's a tall girl trend".... There is something else and it involves one what you might call a paragon shift.

"When you do her up, she's got this quality that's almost like movie-star glamour," Ms. Wolf said.

That is, she is beautiful in a way that people used to be.

Trying to Crack the Hot 100 [NYT]
Fashion's Latest Crush [NYT]

Spinach: Okay, well, having read the article, my thoughts are sort of, "I'm not saying it's right, but I understand."
TAN: Ha! I totally liked the guy who wanted to defend it, saying, "ACTUALLY, some people do think this way..."
Spinach: Well, yeah ...people are kinda racist. My grandmother, for instance. She doesn't even try to hide it.
TAN: I hate you, chink. Go make me some General Tso's. Your grandma too. So, anyway, what do you think you agree with? I loved his citing of Rush Hour.
Spinach: Because, you know, that's the only point where my culture and your culture intersect. Jackie Chan is our representative and Chris Tucker yours.
TAN: Fuck that. Oprah and Obama are our representatives. Jackie Chan is yours.
Spinach: My grandmother, though, bless her heart, she told my sister, "You can marry an American, just don't bring back a black man."
TAN: Ha. I have a problem with the weak-willed comment. Aren't Asians notoriously pussy-willed? We definitely make shit happen .
Spinach: Fuck naw. If we don't get shit done, we commit ceremonial suicide. That's the ultimate price.
TAN: That's the ultimate pansy-ass passive-aggressive move. If we don't get shit done we loudly vocalize it and blame it on white people. And, uh, when did you guys fight the Russians?
Spinach: Couple of times, actually. At least Japan did.
TAN: Oh, aren't you Mister Smarty-Pants. "Look at me, with my knowledge of history."
TAN: Speaking of Asian wars, Vietnamese is easily my most favorite asian cuisine.
Spinach: Pho is cure for whateverthefuck ails you.
TAN: I do think you guys win on the religion tip. I'm totally not down with Christianity.
Spinach: Christianity is too dogmatic for me. People use it too much as a get-in-heaven-free card. Whereas Eastern beliefs tend to be more about philosophy. It's about how to think, rather than what to think.
TAN: Word. Plus, fortune cookies!!!
Spinach: You know, there's definitely a love-hate relationship between our cultures.
TAN: Yeah... you know the origins at all?
Spinach: Should I?
TAN: I think it started in the ghetto Chinese spots. Once you guys started serving up chicken that we liked, it tipped the balance of power and we got defensive.
TAN: Did you ever have a black guy cheat off your paper/test or anything like that in school?
Spinach: I actually went to an almost-all-white school. There were maybe two or three black kids in each class.
TAN: Did they cheat off you?
Spinach: I think everyone cheated off me, black or white.
TAN: Ha...you're such a smart Asian. Er, REDUNDANT! So what could we do to make things better? If we agree there is some truth to Eng's sentiment...
Spinach: I think, what happens is that the black American experience is almost the opposite of the Asian American experience, and that's where the tension comes in.
TAN: How so? You're talking about the small penis thing?
Spinach: THAT IS A MYTH! We'd be driving bigger cars if that was true.
TAN: How's the homosexuality jumpoff in the Asian community? Are you guys as homophobic as black people?
Spinach: Not really.
TAN: It seems like there might be more gay Asians around than standard homosexual percentages. [Oh, God, here we go. —Ed.]
Spinach: I can't speak for other Asian cultures, but homosexuality is, if not completely accepted, acknowledged.
TAN: Chop Sticks ... not just for food anymore!
Spinach: That's because the gay community loves the Gaysians.
TAN: Ahhh.
Spinach: We generally don't have a lot of chest hair. Saves money on waxing.
TAN: Back to the rift: Between Chinese food, Wu Tang, and Lucy Liu, I cannot understand why we don't love each other. I actually think it's one-sided. Maybe Eng has a point: We eat your food, watch your movies, fuck your women ... and what do we give back? Ol' Dirty Bastard, the Inspector Deck, etc. Do you take anything from black culture? I mean, apart from our money? We support Asians over black people. Sigh.
Spinach: Yeah, well... Actually, if you go to any Asian community in California, you'll see these rice rockets with ridiculous bass speakers pumping out. Is E-40 still popular out there?
TAN: Maybe?
Spinach: That hyphy shit.
TAN: I don't know if that balances things out ... E-40 and hyphy vs. Chinese food and Lucy Liu?
Spinach: ...and you see those kids on St. Mark's with dreads and afros.
TAN: True. So have we concluded anything here?
Spinach: What are we doing here again?
TAN: i think we're either bridging the Negro-Asian gap, or making the rift wider.
Spinach: I blame my parents.
TAN: Ha, ME TOO!!!
Spinach: Here's what I think happens with my parents' generation: First-generation Asians come to America and see the poverty in black neighborhoods and think, "Why are they poor when we can make a living? It must be because they're lazy." Which isn't fair, of course - first generation immigrants are, by nature, entrepreneurial.
TAN: It's true, that is a difference. Eng doesn't even cite that. Asians work hard. Negroes party hard
Spinach: We're trying to change though
TAN: Us too... if only we could meet in the middle, we'd make the perfect human. Our big penises, your work ethic ...
Spinach: Too bad we can't mate.
TAN: We can... this is where Lucy Liu is so critical. We should convert Lucy Liu and Beyonce into breeders for a new generation of Negrasians
Spinach: Beyonce for Lucy Liu? I think that's a fair trade. We can throw in a couple more to make it work under the salary cap.
TAN: Alright, we probably have enough to give to our mutual enemy The White Man, don't you think?
Spinach: Yeah, I mean, it's not like we built a railroad here or anything. This should do. I'd hate to be the white man who edits this. [No fucking shit. —Ed.]
TAN: Ha... they can do something for a change.
Spinach: I should ask though, why do you hate us?
TAN: I envy your small penises and tapered jeans. Off to give this to Whitey. Wish me luck.

We wish both of you luck! And your communities. We're proud to have played a part, however small, in affecting rapprochement.

Black History Month Ends On Bad Week For Brown People
'Hate Blacks' writer dismissed by AsianWeek [SFC]
[Image via]