To recap, last year America saw the nearest thing we've had to a revolution caused by people upset over the ruining of a movie reviewers chat show, when At The Movies replaced its beloved icons of decades, the inventors of the Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down scale Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel, with two smirking meatheads who looked like the only thing they wanted to debate about film was Megan Fox's cup size.

Heeding the outbreak of fury from its audience, At the Movies producers duly awarded the Bens their one way tickets to Palookaville. But then taking perhaps the audiences demands for more seriousness a bit too much to heart, brought in our new Movie Critic Overlords - venerable, scholarly, erudite AO Scott of the New York Times and Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune.

In a simpler time, one might have thought there would be some middle ground between Frat Party and The Grad School Profs Still Talking Hours After the Dinner Has Been Cleared And Not Noticing Their Wives Have Passed Out in Their Seats. But in this age, such a choice is not to be had.

At The Moviesis whetting out appetite for some good old critical banter about about Le Cinema with a video introducing their new critics, from the New York Times and Chicago Tribune. Strangely, they only drop Scott's New York Times credential five times during the five minute video. If these people are truly going to pull off a highbrow show, they're going to have to find a way to get that up to once every twenty seconds.

The video sets the new season's scenario with the irresistible tag line "Two Accomplished Critics. One Stimulating Discussion." With a premise like that, who needs a script?

Some saliva-inducing high points:

• "Serious reviews from serious journalists" promises the voice over as the feeling sinks in this is going to be a very long evening.
• Scott recalls seeing Fantasia and Willie Wonka as a child and realizing "movies are an art form that can make fantasies real." He omits from story the ass-whooping he received. the next day on the school bus when he shared that realization with his friends.
• More on the youth of AO Scott: "I got interested in a very early age in reading film criticism...and I found that criticism was something that I really enjoyed."
• A whistful retelling of Scott's historic journey from the depths of writing for Slate to the aforementioned New York Times after a critical essay on Martin Scorsese caught the culture editor's eye, and Phillips travels across the landscape of American newspapers.
• On what makes At The Movies such a beloved national treasure, Scott says, "The show has always, I think, stood for critical intelligence brought to this popular medium of television in a way that's accessible, clear and fun." And who wouldn't think that's a hoot and a half?
• Phillips on Scott: "I can not wait because he works at such a high level of critical acumen."
• Phillips suggest that the show may actually redefine TV chat as we know it. "You get the debate going to right way, it's not going to be two way, it's going to be three way. Us two, and the viewers."

Let the jocularity commence!

Every review I've read on Star Trek so far, and I think I've read five altogether, not to mention countless blog posts, Tweets and Tumblrs, has been nothing less than a collective circle jerk for this film. Is there anyone out there who saw it and thought that it sucked, or was at least mediocre?!

By "starfucking" we mean more than just dating Whitney Port (which, let's be honest, is more like "radar-blipfucking"). We mean his Zelig-like proximity to celebrities and events where no mere blurb-whore has gone before. Take Christopher Mintz-Plasse's publicity-tour stop last week at the University of Michigan, where the Superbad co-star was accosted by a street preacher who said he was going to hell for his work in Hollywood. And look who was with McLovin, natch:

It's probably worth noting here that Lyons named Superbad among his top 10 films of 2007, a distinction made easier by the fact he was in the movie. But still, the Michigan incident was incidental; the consummate nepotist Lyons (who didn't graduate from any college, let alone Michigan) was taping an interview segment for his father Jeffrey's syndicated show Reel Talk when the mess went down. Things likely got more perverse later, when we imagine Lyons and Mintz-Plasse had a little more intimate encounter like those Lyons features in a blog gallery actually entitled "Ben Lyons Poses With Famous People."

Quite the professional, right? Seriously — who would you rather have sharing his cogent takes on new movies: Michael Wilmington or the douchebag below with the beer bong glomming onto Lauren Conrad?

Shia's face says it all: "I need a cigarette." Don't. We. All. How much longer can Ben Lyons get away with getting paid six figures annually to suffocate a beloved institution like At the Movies and document his stalking adventures for E!? And who will stop him? Act fast, America — your celebrities need you.

As a less painful alternative to the new At The Movies I took a plastic knife to my eyeballs and poked then until they bleed a little. Next time I just won't watch at all. — Dirty Harry

It's almost insulting. The producers want to beef up the ratings so they hire two youngish guys and stick some "neato" graphics around the screen and viola! Now the hipsters will come! -donner- said it best. It hasn't been the same since Gene died. And Roger, God love him, has been doing his best, but the thrill's been gone. — wh

They should get rid of the "Rent It" verdict. It's a lazy way to judge a movie. Either see it or you don't; this will force their reviews to be more focused. — Rob Grizzly

The only thing I feel good about with this "new direction" is at least they didn't hire Billy Bush (I'm never gonna forgive that ***hat for defecating on the Golden Globes earlier this year, am I? Maybe I should see somebody about that...) — Meier

I'll never have an opinion because I'm never going to watch the show. I prefer to read the comments and reviews of Roger Ebert, Richard Roeper and Michael Phillips on the Internet. — Jakeem

Don't you worry, "Jakeem": As evidenced by their appearance Sunday on Entourage's season premiere, Roeper and Phillips still have a bright TV future in ironic fake-review cameos:

• At the Movies [Buena Vista TV]
• Does 'At the Movies' work.. [PopWatch]

I know that critics of all types are soundly reviled, and I revile most of them myself. But there are, thank God, a rare few who absolutely love the medium they criticize/analyze. A saintly few who aren't jealous or bitter, but are truly in it for the love of the art. Siskel and Ebert were of that class. And, later, I saw that Roeper was too. It didn't even matter when they got stuff wrong—as Siskel did with The Silence of the Lambs—because they weren't getting it wrong out of hate, or envy, or to show off their ability to speak volumes. They were honestly expressing their views about something they truly, deeply cared about. Like I said, I started watching them when I was tiny, and I think they are hugely responsible for the fact that I have such little respect for most critics of anything.

They were never the detached asses that most critics are. They were never the mocking fool that most critics are. They were insanely passionate about movies, that's all. They were fans, like the rest of us, but not gushing bought-and-paid-for instruments like certain shits at certain popular cool websites that used to have cred. They wouldn't even pose holding popcorn buckets.

And now it's all over. Roeper—Ebert has been too ill to speak for months—just said goodbye to the viewers forever. A couple of shiny children will be coming in to take over in the next week or two. I won't be watching.

In the meantime, you can view almost every movie review ever aired on At The Movies at AtTheMoviesTV.com. Go there and type some movie into the search field. It will feel good.

. . .

Costumes:
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina

Tools:
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick:
In "Temple of Doom," Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In "Broken Covenant," Carolina adopts Dixie (played by the adventurous Bree Olson), a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. (Sample advice to her companion. "You've got a pussy, dont'cha? Use it or lose it!") Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains:
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen:
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales:
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to "The Last Crusade"'s Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina

Accents:
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates:
Besides the spiked dildo to the head above, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both "Crystal Skull" and "Broken Covenant" feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina

Treasure:
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day. Advantage: Indy

Sex:
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love. (That's why his penis gets eaten by ants.) The tables are turned however, when "Crystal Skull" finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is ... Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. We think the choice is clear.

· Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (official film site @ carolinajonesxxx.com)
· Order: "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Adult DVD Empire)

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Previously: Ava Rose In "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Yes, That Was Quick)

Post-Sept. 11 'comedies' coming soon [Politico]

When we're first introduced to Juno, she's taking pregnancy tests in a convenience store bathroom and dispassionately blurting the results to everyone within earshot, including Rainn Wilson, the clerk, who calls her "homeskillet." Never having met Juno before, it's tough for us to tell what's behind her oversharing. Are she and Rainn longtime pals? Is she acting studiedly blase, or is she catatonic with shock? David Edelstein has theorized that Juno's just acting her age, or more specifically, acting her demographic: "she's a poster girl (or will be) for the Facebook Generation—the one with zero sphere of privacy."

But later in the film, we see her sweating out her decision to tell her parents about the pregnancy and worrying what kids at school will think. Tone-deaf slang aside, this contradiction is the film's biggest flaw: is being pregs a big deal to Juno, or is it all just a "shenanigan"?

It's also hard to believe in Juno's feelings for her impregnator and One True Love, Michael Cera's Paulie Bleek. True, he is played by Michael Cera, he does wear running shorts pretty much throughout the film, and he does have the 'endearing' habit of eating lots of orange Tic-Tacs. Based on those attributes, and on his, like, three lines, we're meant to root for his and Juno's romance and to understand when, towards the end of the film, Juno apologizes for having been "a bitch" to him.

Huh? Honey, you told him you were pregnant and he stood there across the yard from you all blank and George Michael Bluth-y! A little bitchiness was in order! This kind of missing emotional nuance undermines every moment in the movie that's supposed to be moving, and no amount of heartstring-manipulation from the twee soundtrack can pick up the slack.

About that soundtrack: besides a couple of Tigermilk tracks, the movie is almost entire scored to songs by the alt-folk band the Moldy Peaches. Those jangly duets—clever and catchy at first listen, clearly in love with their own cleverness and rough edges, decreasingly charming upon repeated listening—suit the movie perfectly.

On seeing the preview, I thought I could relate, a bit, to our heroine Hannah. (That's the idea, right? She's supposed to represent a generation.) And she's my age, and her job seems to basically consist of sitting around cracking jokes with her coworkers all day in a fake office, and she's bad at relationships. She can't break up with her going-nowhere musician boyfriend so he has to break up with her by saying "I'm just going to make this easier on you. I'm breaking up with you because you're breaking up with me." She then immediately starts dating a coworker, who seduces her by telling her how "bright" she is (though there's very little empirical evidence of this in the film). He finishes his spiel about how great she is by saying, "and that's why I go to work every day." Awww! EWWW.

This is when the movie started to strain credulity. For starters, the actress who plays Hannah, Greta Gurwig, is megahot, like a 9.5 at least, with fantastic tits, too. And the guy who plays her coworker-seducer, filmmaker Andrew Bujalski, is so irretrievably fug. Seriously, there's a scene where he's in boxers during which I was basically cowering under my seat. The moles on his back, my God! His man-teats! His TEETH! The notes I took during this scene read, in toto, "Omg dude is so fug. Omg his JEANS. I wish I had gone to see the Bourne Supremacy Ultimatum."

What strains credulity even more is that this repellently ugly dude eventually starts ignoring Hannah. He's, theoretically, distracted because a "New York agent" is a "fan of the blog."

"Oh my god, your blog's gonna be a book!" shrieks Hanna upon hearing this news. Ha, as if. This scene made the movie seem at least two years old. Anyway, maybe he's really ignoring Hannah because she's fucking annoying? There's nothing worse than when actresses try to convey "quirky and neurotic" by basically acting drunk or stoned all the time and trying to convey "incredibly naturalistic" by just taking forever to spit out a sentence. Here's a tip, indie filmmakers: sometimes, in real life, people are quite articulate! Maybe write a movie about those type of people.

Also I just think that the fetishization of "neurotic hottie" as a lady-type should be banned. Seriously, guys, Annie Hall was great but get over it.

At the hour and a half mark, the audience began to fidget as one as a predictable love triangle emerged. Eventually, an overlong set piece where people play the trumpet badly in a bathtub finally ended the film (of course, right?). There was one good speech Hannah has at the end, though—it's excerpted in the trailer that made me think I might like this movie. It's about how "Do you think having crushes on people is kind of manic? And after it becomes real it stops being thrilling." On the one hand, some people can't hear this often enough. On the other hand: Duh.

Previously: 'Ocean's 13'