Lest you think Australia's dromedary holocaust is inhumane, the Associated Press explains that the situation is "critical," and it's mankind's fault for bringing the hump-backed menaces to the Outback in the first place:

"The community of Docker River is under siege by 6,000 marauding, wild camels," local government minister Rob Knight said in Alice Springs, 310 miles (500 kilometers) northeast of Docker. "This is a very critical situation out there, it's very unusual and it needs urgent action."

The camels, which are not native to Australia but were introduced in the 1840s, have smashed water tanks, approached houses to try to take water from air conditioning units, and knocked down fencing at the small airport runway, Knight said. ... Camels were first brought to Australia to help explorers travel through the desert, and now an estimated 1 million roam wild across the country.

Here's how the camelpocalypse is going down:

The government plans to use helicopters to herd the camels about nine miles (15 kilometers) outside of town next week, where they will be shot and their carcasses left to decay in the desert. The state government will give a 49,000 Australian dollar ($45,000) grant for the cull and to repair damaged infrastructure in the town.

That is going to smell so bad. A vocal opposition calls the plan "barbaric," citing "terrible distress" and "terrible suffering." On the other hand, grown man-camels weigh 2000 lbs. and are 7 feet tall, which means up to 12,000,000 lbs. of enraged, thirsty camel could be laying siege to Alice Springs, Australia as we speak.* Consequently, the people of Alice Springs are probably not thinking rationally, having long ago entered "fight or flight" mode (prompting them to use flight to fight), much like the terrifying middle scenes of Jurassic Park, when the dinosaurs take over and everyone runs around screaming and getting crazy violent.

It should also be noted that whoever gets stuck flying the helicopters and aiming the guns is going to be seriously traumatized. Now here's a picture of a strapping gentleman traversing the Outback on camel in the 1920's. This fiasco is his fault.

* Sure, they aren't all fully grown man-camels, but when a small, drought-ridden town is under attack from 6000 camels, I feel it is best to give them the benefit of doubt. Also, I once rode a camel at the zoo, and it was large, bulky, and painful.

[Associated Press]

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Senator Xenophon yesterday used parliamentary privilege to attack the church, after being contacted by a number of former Scientologists who accused the organisation of ''shocking'' crimes.

''Scientology is not a religious organisation; it is a criminal organisation that hides behind its so-called religious beliefs,'' he told the Senate.

''The letters received by me which were written by former followers in Australia contain extensive allegations of crimes and abuses that are truly shocking - crimes against them and crimes they say they were coerced into committing.

[snip]

Senator Xenophon said their correspondence implicated the organisation in a range of crimes, including forced imprisonment, coerced abortions, embezzlement of church funds, physical violence, intimidation and blackmail.

We can't imagine a more appropriately named crusader to take on Scientology in Australia—where, by the way, it has spent an extraordinary amount of resources and developed a strong foothold. We have to think that "The Rise of Xenophon" was prophesied somewhere by L. Ron Hubbard, and that his followers are rummaging through the archives as we speak searching desperately for written instructions on how to defeat him.

The letters from former members that Xenophon introduced included allegations of torture and the horrible tale of one man who lost two children to what he claims are Scientology-related accidents—one died after she fell down the stairs while wandering unattended in a church building, and another died after ingesting potassium chloride, allegedly used in the "purification rundown," at his house.

The church responded that the allegations are from "disgruntled former members who use hate speech."

The Georgian mansion in Sydney suburb Belleview Hill certainly has a belle view indeed, looking out on Sydney harbor and the Pacific Ocean. It's 4,100 square meters spread out over six bedrooms, two studies, five bathrooms, multiple living rooms, and even a three-car garage.

Let's take a look inside, shall we?

[Images via Domain.au]

The outside of the house.
The grounds including the swimming pool.
This is the view the paparazzi will get skulking in the bushes.
One of the studies.
A lovely living room.
The main staircase.
Looks like someone needs to mow the tennis court!
The lawn in the back yard looks much nicer.
That's quite a patio view.
The view of the harbor.
Aerial shot of the grounds.

This poor Australian mother must have had a stroke when her 6-month old's stroller, which should have had its brakes on, rolled on a train's tracks and was promptly hit. Thankfully, the child escaped relatively unscathed.

Some say disaster was averted because the baby was strapped in, but we prefer to think it was a vehicular miracle.

The show was a live reunion special for Hey Hey, It's Saturday, a popular and long-running program down under that was cancelled a decade ago. During their Red Faces segment, which is similar to the American version of The Gong Show, six doctors performed a choreographed number in blackface and afro wigs pretending to be the Jackson 5. Thankfully, one of the judges hit the gong shortly into the number.

But what did the crowd do when they stopped the music. They booed! Harry Connick Jr, one of the guest judges gave the team a zero score and the judge who gonged gave them a one, even though the crowd was roaring to give them a 10! One female judge gave them a 7 out of 10 because she is apparently ignorant or, beause she's a sweet female sitting between two men judging a singing competition she thought she was Paula Abdul and took a handful of pill before the broadcast, so she didn't know better.

The amazing thing is that, as the show tells us, in 1989, the same group doing a very similar act won the competition! So, in 20 years, we've gone from this offensive form of comedy being wildly popular to being still popular with the masses, even though some people know better. In America, blackface is one of those things that you can only show if you're talking about how awful it is because, well, it is pretty awful. Sure, there are culture differences, but it's not like they don't have black folks in Australia who would get pissed off by this.

Luckily, they gave Connick some time at the end of the show to say that he wouldn't have done the show if he knew there was going to be such an act. "[Americans] have spent so much time trying to not make black people not look like buffoons, that when we see something like that we really take it to heart." Wow, and American is being the voice of cultural sensitivity? Australia must be really messed up.

Scientists, it's worth noting, aren't pinning the blame on climate change, although an unusually dry summer did contribute. What a coincidence.

Part of us wishes Australian authorities would name this man, who reportedly started raping his daughter 30 years ago, when she was only 11-year old. Such identifications give us all a convenient "face to hate" and, therefore, a glimpse at true evil. (Fritlz, who also raped his own daughter, may be covering his face in this picture, but that didn't stop cameras, which helped propel it across the world and give us our first look at what's become too-familiar a crime.) But, our thirst for public shaming aside, not naming him may be the best move.

Unlike Fritz's daughter and Jaycee Dugard, the woman allegedly kidnapped by Garrido, the victim here will have the benefit of at least brief media silence, which spares her behind-the-back gossiping and potential stigma that can go along with such a story. More importantly, the woman had four of her father's children. Three survived. By not being named, these kids can experience a relatively normal existence, if that's even possible.

But, of course, these benefits will likely be short-lived, for the media's interest in such horror shows will no doubt extend to the November court appearances, which means that the arrest — which went down in the spring — and resulting trial will remain in the news and, we're sure, lead to an international identification of the accused offender. His daughter and her children could then be thrust into the spotlight. Hopefully they'll enjoy this brief moment of calm before the media storm.

After Yoo mentions the Constitution during his lecture, and asks the students if they have any questions, an Australian comedian from the show Chaser's War on Everything is seen wearing a black-hooded robe and standing on top of his desk with his arms outstretched, recalling one of the most iconic images of U.S. torture captured in the now-infamous Abu Ghraib photos.

The comedian says, "Actually, professor, I've got one question. Uhm, how long can I be required to stand here 'til it counts as torture?"

Yoo cuts his lecture short and replies, "Unfortunately, I'm going to have to end class," as he packs up his lecture notes.

As Yoo apologizes to the class for the interruption, the comedian replies, "If this is awkward for you, it's very uncomfortable for me, I can tell you…. I'd love to move but every time I do my balls get buzzed."

Hah. Australians are all beer-addled hooligans, but sometimes they are pretty funny.

Per the Australian Herald-Sun:

One film source from the set said that each crew member had signed agreements saying they would not ask the superstar about her religion, Scientology. The couple, who have braved chilly weather to explore the city and have happily chatted to locals, are notoriously private when it comes to questions or discussions about their religion.

So, the same old tricks, it would appear, though it's of note that this is different from the "Don't Ask About The Dimensional Space Hierarchy" agreement, the "Don't Ask About Arthur Miller" agreement, and the "Don't Ask About The Series Finale Of Dawson's Creek Agreement (Breach Punishable By Kevin Williamson-imposed Scream-like Death)." Still: Australians everywhere remain tight-lipped and terrified, especially since her husband is totally capable of doing shit like this to their homeland:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Area unattractive person Natalie Portman may be working with the creepily-mustachioed Darren Aronofsky on a new supernatural thriller-chiller. Black Swan is about a prima ballerina who is suddenly threatened by a rival dancer—but is the rival dancer even real? The title is sorta interesting, given all the stuff about Black Swan theory and the creepy, tingling, post-millennial thoughts of destruction and apocalypse it evokes. But, yeah, this is just a movie about ghost ballet. So. [THR]

The Hallmark Channel is doing something with how commercials are aired, by like jiggering with the length and continuity of commercial pods, where like Mutual of Omaha will sponsor a whole, shortened commercial pod, and it's going to revolutionize, maybe, the way sponsorship is delineated and these are important things to discuss, no really they are, because TV is sorta scratching its head right now trying to figure out this whole DVR thing and industries rise and fall and Black Swans occur and here we are powerless to stop it and all, but mostly... Mostly we're just surprised that people want to pay to advertise on the Hallmark Channel. Really, guys? Really? [Variety]

That cutesy-sounding comedy You Again, about Kristen Bell being upset 'cause her brother is marrying a girl who used to make her life a living hell, has rounded out its cast with a bunch of fabulous broads. Like Kristin Chenowith and Sigourney Weaver and Betty White and Jamie Lee Curtis. The film's original title Lady Bits: The Legend of Bear Mountain now seems, more than ever, like it was the right one to go with. [THR]

Local butt-face Leonardo DiCaprio has signed on to star (and produce with his Appian Way movie making company) an as yet untitled thriller about online casinos. Yes, it's true. There are many online casinos and we've known many a young lad who've profited and suffered at their hands. Though that's all a kind of pallid-faced, blue-tinted early evening sadness sort of thing. Not really the stuff of thrillers. But, hell. If you can jazz up cellphones like they did in One Missed Call, sure, why not, you can jazz up internet cards. (Note: They did not jazz up anything in One Missed Call, which should have been called Just Don't Answer the Damn Phone, Shannyn Sossamon.) [Variety]

Thousands of sad people lined up on Sunday in Massachusetts. No, it wasn't a Bruins game. It was for American Idol! Determined to realize their dreams of becoming walking, talking, singing contracts, hopefuls like our proud homegirl Tiffany "Shorty" Dorsey from mighty Walpole (they've got a prison there, you know) showed up and belted-while-crying for the judges. We know it's happened before, Boston, but still some of us thought you were better than this. Nothing terribly Puritanical about weeping in front of Paula Abdul, is there? [THR]

Oh, more girlnews! Paramount has picked up an action-comedy pitch from Liz Meriwether called Honey Pot that is basically about if a bunch of ladies were superspies like Jason Bourne. Surely there'd be a lot more talk about periods and commitment! Meriwether is the salient cultural critic who is also giving us the upcoming TV pilot Sluts and the film Fuckbuddies. And no, we are not making those up! [Variety]

Stuart Beattie, who cowrote the documentary Australia, has been tapped to direct a movie version of Tomorrow When the World Ends. That book is part of a series (The Tomorrow Series) about a group of Aussie teenagers who band together to defend their homeland against invaders. Evidently the film has "youth-targeted themes and PG-13 sex and violence", so that's kind of exciting, but we thought we already covered all this with Home and Away. Isn't that what that was about? Australian teenagers? Saving Australia? Or something? [THR]

Edwina Pearce, a spokeswoman for the Cancer Council Victoria, which produced the ad in Australia, said the boy, whom she identified only as Alexander, shed real tears.

"We didn't do anything dastardly to make him cry. He did get upset, but it was about a 10-second period that he was upset for and then his mother came back and gave him a big cuddle and everything was happy again."

Sure, the anti-smoking forces say the "ends justify the means," but what if smacking the kid around would stop 100 people from smoking, or barbecuing the kid on a spit would stop 1000 people from smoking? Let's just leave the kids out of the fight altogether, shall we?

The real problem is there aren't even any cigarettes in the ad. Idea: Kid forced to smoke a whole carton of Marlboros, live on tape? [NYDN]

Welcome! You are bidding on a 19 yr old quadriplegic girl for her VIRGINITY!!!
I may not look much to you but you can did what ever fantasies you have on me! You will need to pay for a hotel with wheelchair access or make sure your house is accessable! Don't have to use condoms!
Feel free to e-mail any questions! Bank Deposit accepted only! Enjoy! Thankyou! Good Luck!

One woman auctions hers off for more than $3 million and gets famous and look what happens. We have no idea whether this is real or not, but the seller is also auctioning off some complete DVD sets of Charmed. Take that for what you will. Yes, freedom and empowerment and everything, but no, we wouldn't like to have a philosophical debate on this, thanks.
[UPDATE: Ebay has already pulled the auction.]

After a botched press tour, a less-than-rapturous box office take, and a tarring of director Baz Luhrmann as the new "black hole of cinema" (to say nothing of the bounty set on Kidman's ovaries), most of the film's principal players would be content to lay low and make no more noise until Australia begins its DVD afterlife. An insecure Kidman, however, only added more fuel to the bonfire when she confessed that she typically doesn't watch her own films, and being forced to sit through Australia made her "squirm."

Miss Kidman, who attended the premiere with country singer husband Keith Urban, said: 'I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done.

'I sat there and I looked at Keith and went "Am I any good in this movie?"

'But I thought Brandon Walters (an 11-year-old Aboriginal boy) and Hugh Jackman were wonderful.

'It's just impossible for me to connect to it emotionally at all.'

Fortunately for Kidman, she only has one more of her upcoming performances to sit through: Nine, in which the Weinstein Co's breakthrough advances in crotch-veil technology can be expanded upon to produce a private version where Daniel Day-Lewis, Judi Dench, and Fergie interact with a six-foot-tall, Botoxed sheath.

• 'I squirmed in my seat,' says Nicole Kidman as she reveals embarrassment at her performance in Australia epic [Daily Mail]

The one accomplishment listed in President Bush's fantasy novel about his "successful presidency" (he battled dragons!) that we can actually all be proud of is "Directed unprecedented preparations for a smooth presidential transition." But of course he had to screw that up in some small way, because that's how he operates, and so he didn't allow the president-elect to stay in the traditional pre-inaguration home of the president-elect, Blair House. The Obamas needed to move in this week to get their kids in school, but Bush's people said Blair House was already booked. Sorry, Obamas!

Well now we know who's staying there: hated former Australian Prime Minister Yahoo Serious John Howard. John Howard, Bush ally, is such an asshole, that when the new Prime Minister finally issued an official federal government apology to the indigenous people of Australia, the only living former Prime Minister who declined to attend the ceremony was, you guessed it, John Howard. That is pretty assholish even for an Australian.

Also he lied Australia into Bush's stupid Iraq War.

He is at the Blair House because Bush is giving him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Fellow hated war liar Tony Blair is getting one too.

Luhrmann's postmortem addresses both the risks and challenges inherent in his epic $130 million flop, but more emphatically singles out the haters too cynical to look past the bad dialogue, Wizard of Oz bludgeoning, and generally boring three-hour runtime and embrace Australia's sincere core. So what if the movie wasn't good, he seems to say — and really, why is he explaining himself at all? Isn't this whole thing just your fault anyway?

"There are those that don't get it. A lot of the film scientists don't get it. And it's not just that that they don't get it, but they hate it and they hate me, and they think I'm the black hole of cinema. They say, 'He shouldn't have made it, and he should die'..."This is not (simply) a romantic comedy for 40-year-old women or action movies for 17-year-old boys, and that's not OK with some people. It's not OK for people to come eat at the same table of cinema." [...]

"When you do what I do, you expect to be covered in mud. But there seems to be a lot of misinformation...I'm used to the waves crashing around me. And what I do is stick to a craggy rock as they keep coming. And if you stick to it long enough someone else will stick to it, too, and then someone else and then someone else."

In other words, good intentions are of greater value than poor execution. We'd like to believe him, but it's a slippery slope; such an acknowledgment would potentially let Nicole Kidman's didgeridoo-rocking off the hook, and that is a craggy rock no one wants to cling to. Tough break, Baz, but lesson learned for Gatsby.

• Baz Luhrmann, with a defense as full-throated as Moulin Rouge [THR]