Gawker: bad ads

Quizno's: Taste the Poop

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 19 May 2009 12:45:17 EDT

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Yes, Quizno's Submarine Sandwich Shoppe is run by oven-lusting sex pervs, but guess what, Quizno's: you have crossed the line by allowing 2 Girls, 1 Cup to be associated with your sandwiches. Think, you fools.

"2 Girls, 1 Sub. Hungry? See If This Sandwich Whets Your Appetite." Yes. For poop.

Quizno's is the same sex perv breadlicker corporation that based its last ads for this same sandwich on the concept of getting a blowjob from an oven. These are some powerful sandwichdildos!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Dirty Swedes Welcome Pedophiles

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:41:07 EDT

A tipster sends us this photo of an actual advertisement in Sweden, which, she explains, is a result of the stubborn Swedes' tendency to believe their fancy schools actually teach them proper English. Psht:

His name is actually "Albert Nordfors." Embarrassing.

Kenneth Cole's Clever Wordplay Saves Economy

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:33:49 EST

Professional designer and amateur writer of excruciating ad copy Kenneth Cole knows times are tough as leather. Maybe it's not fashion-able, but he's optimistic America will design a solution to sew up all these problems!

Maybe it's time for a velvet revolution—and Kenneth Cole will be right there to guide you down the runway to economic success!

 As bad as it is, many feel today that whatever you call it, the other shoe still hasn't dropped - an event of which they seem to be awaiting nervously. (Never before have so many been so attentive to what I do for a living). People are running for COVER - many to cover their ASSets, while we are trying to cover their backs (and other body parts). 

But Kenneth, what if people are not ready to wear your sense of hope?

With that said, in the interest of self preservation, perhaps we have to go back to being "clothes minded"? If you look good, you'll feel good about being in your shoes, and probably increase your own interest rate. Being an accessory to change may even reward you with the chance to share your own stimulus package. 

Shut up. Just shut right up. [Kenneth's blog via Copyranter]

Fire-Haired Demon Child Demands 'Big Girl Car'

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 11:34:47 EST

In this age of fossil fuel depletion, economic meltdown, and a dying US auto industry, how should consumers pick an automobile? By bowing to the demands of the world's most terrifying screeching red-haired brat:

Jesus, Chevy Traverse, why? Her nodding bombardment at the end is particularly soul-searing. [I have been looking for this awful commercial all week so thanks to Brandfreak for digging it up. May it now die.]

Microsoft Ad and Product Advertised Could Both Conceivably Make You Want to Kill Your Family

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:35:31 EST

If you thought Microsoft's Seinfeld ads were bad, then you really don't want to see this new four-minute Microsoft "Songsmith" pseudoinfomercial. Because it is a descent into child karaoke hell, is why. Very bad.

[via Adfreak]

Pick the Most Annoying Commercial of 2008

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:29:29 EST

Voice your choice! Earlier we showed you three of the year's most annoying TV ads; now we've added two more, and made a poll—of infamy. Vote below for the year's worst ad:

Real Estate Ads Have Soul(d)

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 13:18:38 EDT

Just in time for the collapse of America's housing market, a blog called Keepin' It Realtor has taken on the important job of chronicling the "best" of real estate ads—the ones consisting of desperate-looking realtors who plaster their own faces on billboards and bus stops and, apparently, write their own ad copy. How many ways are there to make awkward puns involving the word "Sold?" At least four, so far:

[KIR via Adrants]

Sarah Palin's Contextual Ads Don't Lie

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:51:37 EDT

While doubtless in pursuit of some important story yesterday, angry ad blogger Copyranter came across this adventure in contextual advertising on the dedicated Sarah Palin web page of Alaska's Anchorage Daily News: ads for SHRED ALASKA onsite document shredding. Ha, can they shred Yahoo accounts, ha? A new ad on the Palin page today also seems appropriate, in its own way:

Bizarre.

[ADN via Copyranter at Animal]

Axe Body Spray Ads Destroy Indian Culture

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:06:07 EDT

Ever since they started allowing kissing in Bollywood movies, boy, India's morality is going to straight to hell. The cow-filled conservative nation is seeing its Victorian standards of sexuality crumble in the face of racy foreign advertising. The prime offender? You guessed it: Axe Body Spray. Of course. The Indian government recently banned Axe's infamous "Chocolate Man" ad, which it sees as a symptom of cultural decline, along with all the new sexy billboards popping up across the country. Welcome to the First World, India: Where products are plentiful, sex is empty, and Richard Gere can kiss your women with abandon. After the jump, the ass-eating Axe ad that was too hot for Mumbai. There is no stopping it:

[WSJ]

Busty Teen Finds Stepdad's Mullet Irresistible

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 16:07:49 EDT

It may well be within the realm of human achievement to make an ad for Hair Club For Men that does not cause an involuntary shudder of revulsion. But this is not that ad. This is an ad where a bald man goes to Hair Club to grow a curly mullet, and is then fawned over by his own comely "stepdaughter." "Is that your stepdad...oh my gosh, he's not too bad looking!" Christ, why, why? All the disturbing subtext you can fit in one minute:

Strange Hair Club Testimonial from a Stepdaughter
by InfomercialReviewer

[via Adfreak]

Do Not Think About What This McDonald's Ad Could Imply

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:17:20 EDT

Fast food is essentially made up of low-quality byproducts of better food. Leftover cow parts, ground pig parts... you can use your imagination. So it's best for fast food companies to stick with happy clowns and assorted other mascots in their ads, staying as far as possible from any image that could make you consider what's actually in the food you're buying. And they should especially make sure they never draw any parallels between their product and human flesh. I mean, yuck. So tell us, McDonald's, what went wrong here?:

[Copyranter]

Some Of Spain's Best Friends Are Asian!

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:20:31 EDT

It was quite an embarrassment for the nation of Spain yesterday when an ad surfaced showing their entire national Olympic basketball team posing in the "Slanty-eyed Asian" position, pulling their eyelids back. We imagine the photo shoot was followed by several minutes of mimed karate moves and Enter The Dragon reenactments, only adding to the awkwardness. So the entire nation of China has been waiting expectantly for an apology. And today they got...outrage that anyone would think Spain is racist! Why, some of their closest friends are from China or somewhere like that!

Spanish basketball player Jose Calderon (who's also in the NBA) wrote on his website:

It can't be long now before all of Spain's players are trotting out their close Asian friends before the cameras to tell them about that one time they came over and the Asian guy's old mom made some crazy food from China and the Spanish player totally ate it without batting an eyelash because he's really open to new cultural experiences.

Spanish newspapers also hit back at suggestions the pictures were racist, saying the team had donated money to charities helping the poor in Africa.

Well if Spain had known you people were going to be like that, maybe they were wrong to be nice to you in the first place.

[Reuters]

Never Have Sex With A Belgian

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:29:48 EDT

Perhaps we need a "Text-only" law for condom advertising. Leaving prophylactic communications in the hands of human art directors is just too risky—particularly when you're dealing with the strange sexual mores of foreigners. Because while the result might come off nice and cute (like the Chinese Olympic condom ads), there's an equal chance that it will be grotesque. This Belgian ad campaign for super-thin condoms has Photoshopped a man and a woman together into a terrifying image of a conjoined connubial monstrosity. I know Europeans have different ideas of "personal space," but really. Click through for two full (freaky but SFW) ads:

[via Copyranter]

Spanish Olympic Team: "Ching Chong Chinaman! Ha Ha!"

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:37:18 EDT

The Olympics, we're told, is a delicate dance of geopolitical maneuvering dressed up as an athletic contest. In reality, it's the world's largest assembly of dumb jocks. All of whom are now in a position to cause international incidents! Spain and China may have poisoned their diplomatic relationship because the entire Spanish national basketball team thought it would be cute to make an ad for some courier company posing with the "Slanty-eyed Asian" gesture: fingers pulling the eyelids to make them slits. I imagine they were all saying "Ah, soooo" at the time and laughing uproariously. The full photo is bad enough that someone should have realized it was mistake:

Among the members of the Spanish team: LA Lakers superstar Pau Gasol! This joke will go over smashingly in the Los Angeles Asian community, Pau. No apology has come out thus far. But let's all hope that Spain and China somehow end up playing each other in Olympic basketball, because China should smash them, what with the Spaniards being preoccupied with their fascist wars and influenza.

[NYP, Guardian UK]

Somebody Please Pun-ch Kenneth Cole. Get It?

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:47:30 EDT

Kenneth Cole is not just a middling designer and outspoken advocate for responsible journalism; he's also, for reasons we can't fathom (narcissism), his own advertising copywriter. A bad advertising copywriter. It's not every CEO of a massive fashion brand that's too cheap to hire someone to write his own billboard taglines. But in Kenneth Cole's case, coming up with them only robs him of mere seconds of thought. That's how his poor clothing line ends up with billboards like this one on Houston St.—presumably the balls are there to distract you from the slogan itself:

[via Copyranter]

Drunk On Misogyny. And Weak Beer

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 12:23:35 EDT

This ad for Cooper's Beer just won an award at the prestigious ad festival in Cannes. I guess because of its sophisticated message: No Fat Chicks. The copy reads "Only 2.9% alcohol," meaning you won't get too wasted to notice this pretty girl is totally not skinny, and if you take her home, dude, whoa, watch out in the morning! I would really like to hear some Jezebel input on this thoughtful campaign. Click through for the second terrible award-winning spot, which has the equally important message: No Nerdy Chicks With Freckles Either, Broheim!:

[Copyranter]

Not An Organ Donor? Maybe This Pile Of Eyeballs Will Convince You

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:14:43 EDT

When you're advertising potentially nasty medical-related products or causes, take a cue from the pharmaceutical industry. Those guys can make an ad for Irritable Bowel Syndrome treatment look like a beloved home movie. On the other end of the sensitivity spectrum is this ad from Thailand's Red Cross , urging people to donate their eyes when they die so that others may see. Good cause. But my god, is a huge dump site full of wasted, disembodied eyeballs really the best way to get your message across? (No). The horrifically misguided full ad is below—not for the squeamish.

[Copyranter]

Smoking And Terrorism Come Together In Bad Ad

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 14:58:10 EST

One lesson that you, not being an advertising professional, might think would have sunk in by now: Don't use 9/11 as an advertising tool. Not even for a good cause, like this anti-tobacco ad. It's just skeevy. But the imagery is so powerful! Still no. [Daily Dish]