Nice in theory (pap smears save lives! and it's usually somebody else's bacteria-laced insertable body part that necessitates them anyway) but definitely not to be deployed by relationship amateurs, the gift of a cold speculum shoved up your cooch is CBS' idea of a PSA:

Want to do something special for your woman this Hanukah? Schedule her Pap smear. Just a schmear could save her life. Give her the gift that will light up her menorah.

In some ways, this is genius; it is hard to imagine a creepier actor, or a more gag-worthy imitation of a New Age midwife's waiting room. Must be going for the "awkward laughter" angle.

The pervy Grinch behind this PSA, Matthew Margo, explains how he came up with the campaign while eavesdropping on a pair of female diners at an Italian restaurant:

From what I could gather, the problem was that the gynecologist's instrument is refrigerated. I thought I heard the words, "Really cold spatula!" But I later learned that the gynecologist's instrument is actually called a "speculum" ...

In any case, I shuddered at the thought of a cold instrument being used for such a medical screening and hardly noticed as the waiter shaved large chunks of parmesan cheese onto my side plate.

The tool formerly known as "speculum" shall henceforth be called "large parmesan chunk spatula."

So, CBS gets an 'A' for "raising awareness," but to the handful of clueless gentlemen who will inevitably take this seriously and/or think they're so funny and/or want to do their girlfriends' vaginas a holiday favor: You have to be really comfortable with each other to pull this off. Like, twelve times more comfortable than discussing menstrual cramps. If you've helped her identify and treat a yeast infection or popped ingrown hairs on each others' mucous membranes, you might be getting there. And whatever you do, do not buy a pap smear for your mother, daughter, sister, or anyone else related to you in a familial way, which is enough to put you on the sex offender list in 12 states and the Mariana Islands.

Let us conclude, now, with a single terrible image that resembles a robotic duck-billed bird-monster when not in use.

[NYDN] [FutureMediaChange]

UPDATE: Official response from Esquire's PR firm, Dan Klores Communications:

Hi Hamilton,
I saw your post on our December issue. I just wanted to note that the address label is in fact peelable, and if it gets stuck, there is an additional cover marker on page 8.
Just letting you know in case you want to correct your post.

There is no "peel" in the word "FUTURE."

Oh ho! Not so "Gangsta" after all, are you? In fact you are 100% of something else, which you may not be so pleased with, tough guy! It takes about ten virtual bitch slaps in the girl's face to get to this screen so don't give up before she's thoroughly bruised. You'll want your kids to play again and again. [Adfreak]

Warren Spector, creative director of the firm developing the frighteningly three-dimensional Epic Mickey game, explains that everyone's favorite balloon-head is getting the My Scene Barbie treatment:

"I wanted him to be able to be naughty - when you're playing as Mickey you can misbehave and even be a little selfish."

The sexual creepiness here is subtle, which almost makes it worse, because you start wondering if maybe it's all in your head, and you're just the kind of perv who reads a sentence about an "adventurous, enthusiastic and curious" child-like character and suddenly starts wondering, wait, what is the third G in GGG? And: Well, his feet are pretty big. And: In retrospect, he always did dress a bit like a Chippendale dancer.

But seriously, ever since "naughty" crossed paths with "nurse" and "maid" and every female on Hugh Hefner's dance card, it should really just be off-limits to people whose jobs involve children. Luckily, Spector assures us that "Mickey is never going to be evil or go around killing people," mostly because the imagining of him as a coyly naughty-but-nice seducer is psychically troubling enough for one generation.

But the clearest sign of Epic Mickey's rapidly approaching failure is was a bad idea is the fact that it was "dreamed up" by "a group of interns" in 2004. I will do my best to refrain from drawing a gross generalization of what this corpus of Disney video game interns may be like—and what sort of sexual energies they may or may not be subconsciously channeling into their summer projects—but if you have ever entered a room (preferably in a darkened basement) where four, five, perhaps six male video game aficionados were fragging their way through a digitized slumber party, you will know that there is a particular odor of gamey, over-testosteroned adolescent male je ne sais quoi that will attack your sinuses and gag you as though a sweaty gym sock has just been stuffed down your throat. And that will be the scent of Epic Mickey: Stale, festering horror.

Yahoo's proposed new HQ in the Silicon Valley town of Santa Clara would be big enough to house 7,000 additional staff, according to former Valleywag Nicholas Carlson, at Business Insider. The company continues to try and push permits for the plan through the city's approval process despite plenty of available office space in existing Silicon Valley buildings.

We've seen this movie before. It does not end well:

• Fox Interactive's $350 million new HQ near Los Angeles was said to be the biggest area development deal in 25 years. Amid layoffs, Fox cancelled its move as the building was being finished.
  
• Internet conglomerate IAC finished its new Gotham headquarters in early 2007. Within months came a plan to break up the company.
  
• Amid the dot-com boom, network technology company Cisco Systems planned a controversial Silicon Valley megacampus for 20,000 workers. In late 2001 it scaled that back to plans for an office that could — maybe! — hold 3,000 to 9,000 workers.
  
• Handheld device maker Palm had dot-com-era plans for a 39-acre campus; the collateral alone on the project was $238 million. By mid-2001 Palm announced it would sell that land.
  
• From late 2000 to late 2001, USA Today reported, "Intel, Excite At Home and Inktomi... shelved or cut back plans for new plants or offices."

It's worth noting that Yahoo's plans have been underway since three years ago, when the company bought the land in question for $112 million. Seasoned real estate developers know it often makes more sense to obtain city approvals before canceling a project, since the approvals can usually be transferred to a new owner, making the underlying land more valuable. So Bartz is not necessarily at fault for Yahoo's hubristic plans. But that doesn't make her any less likely to be the victim of what they portend.

We miss you, Chris. Thanks for doing it.

Uh. You're welcome?

Ah, good. There is a new consumer item that combines the unmistakable look of a Hershey's Kiss with the elegance of sterling silver, white gold, and diamonds. Perfect timing on the release date, too, macroeconomically speaking. You're all invited to the launch party. Especially you poors! You people love chocolate.
[UPDATE: Oh and a $3 million diamond-studded bra by Victoria's Secret? Seems unnecessary.]

The NYO says that Armen Keteyian is out bulldog-reporting the story already, upholding the integrity of the news side and whatnot. Why? First of all, CBS is hopelessly, hopelessly conflicted, Chinese wall or not. Digging up serious dirt on the network's biggest late night star just doesn't pay. Second, the scandal's already been—and will continue to be—overcovered by the other networks, and the tabloids, and everyone else. Third, see point one. The only three possible outcomes to a CBS News investigation:

1. They turn up pretty much the same stuff as everyone else, meaning it was a waste of time.
2. They turn up more dirt that makes Letterman look bad, meaning they screw their own network. In this case, their report either gets censored to some degree by the corporate types, or they run it as is and still get accused of pulling punches due to a conflict of interest, because they do in fact have one.
3. They turn up dirt that makes Letterman's accuser (also a CBS employee!) look bad, and get accused of trying to help Letterman out.

So, just skip it, guys. Have you looked into baby kangaroos? People love that shit.
[Pic: AP]

Congrats to the Miss America organizers for finding a celebrity judge precisely as revolting as Miss USA's Perez Hilton! Now you just need a stupid contestant to become a political martyr and your 2010 media strategy will be basically mapped out.

And, black contestants, don't get your hopes up.

According to Harvard's Nieman Journalism Lab, AP CEO Tim Curley (pictured) recently let slip at a Hong Kong gathering of journalists that the AP hasn't even talked to Google as part of its complete overhaul of the way it syndicates content online. Why bother, when Microsoft is clearly so lethally good, online? "They know how to have a conversation," for one, unlike a certain other tech giant, plus they gave AP this, just, killer demo:

Microsoft this month has some new technology that it's unveiling that will be much more visually dramatic than anything you've seen before. Multimedia in ways you haven't thought about yet. We've seen it, we've seen the technology.

Oh, and Microsoft also just happens to have basically promised to give AP top ranking — "privileging" their content, as Nieman puts it — over other sources reporting the same news. Never mind if other sources add information to a linked AP story, or generate lots of buzz by using an AP link to launch an in-depth opinion piece. Quality = AP, always. Which is why Microsoft Bing will rule the internet, real soon now. What could possibly go wrong?

In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

Sen. Roger Wicker, the Mississippi Republican who sponsored the bill, boiled the issue down to that pesky Second Amendment:

Americans should not have their Second Amendment rights restricted for any reason, particularly if they choose to travel on America's federally subsidized rail line.

Wicker's reasoning, though rational from a right-wing point of view, seems to contradict his past stance on America's safety, like post-9/11 security moves:

It is no coincidence that our country has not been attacked since 9-11. Our initiatives to protect the homeland and aggressively take the fight to the terrorists have been factors in that success.

One of those initiatives was to ban firearms on Amtrak trains.

Considering the amount of vitriol that has infected town halls, awards shows, tennis matches and even Presidential addresses, the addition of guns to travel plans, which often bring out the worst in people, gives us chills. Luckily, the House will have a chance to shoot down this legislation.

The Hollywood Reporter passes on word that Huffington has joined forces with How I Met Your Mother executive producer Greg Malins to concoct a new ABC series about three newbie Congressional members trying to make their way in our nation's capital:

The 20th Century Fox TV-produced project centers on the friendship of three freshman members of Congress — two men and a woman — who live together in D.C.

"One is swept up in the movement of change and goes to D.C. to make a difference; one has been in politics for a long time; and one is a master of the media and sound bites," Malins said.

The project will draw inspiration from real-life Washington figures.

Apparently Malins and company think DC is the hottest ticket in Hollywood. You know, because Barack Obama has made the District cool again. But has it really?

A number of DC-based shows tried — and failed — to make it to the small screen this season, yet television big-wigs axed the ideas. And, honestly, we can't blame them. Our nation has become hyper-politicized and the very thought of a fictionalized account of our collective national struggle seems, at best, a lame attempt at zeitgeist-related desperation.

No, apparently, for City Health Commissioner Dr. Thomas A. Farley wants to prohibit smoking at beaches and parks. The move, he and his allies claim, will help reduce smoking rates, which have fallen since a ban on smoking in bars.

Of course, Cheryl G. Healton, who heads the anti-smoking group American Legacy Foundation supports the move:

There is no redeeming value in smoking at beaches or parks, Anyone who has sat behind someone smoking a stogie can tell you that. The health risks are real. Secondhand smoke is deadly.

Yeah, that's true: second hand smoke is deadly, but it's hardly the most annoying thing about public parks. Children, for example, are exceedingly annoying, but there's no ban on them. But, seriously, parks are outdoor, public spaces. The very idea of banning smoking there is an affront to American ideals. How can a city government even consider enacting such a ban? It's insulting. If a smoker wants to light one up while enjoying a picnic, that's their business. It's an open space and well within their right. But, we suppose the city has more power than some tar-lunged ash bag. And that's sad.

Image via Auntie P's flickr.

Over the weekend, the Post's magical resurrection of the Spitzer hooker scandal hit its peak. Instead of taking our advice and either disappearing or becoming a self-sustaining business mogul via pornography (either one of which would make her the master of her own fate and Money$$), Ashley foolishly chose to "get into bed," HEH, so to speak, with the dirty tabloid, in exchange for some "publicity" for her "musical career." It is a trick, Ashley! Give up this "musical" "career" at once and get as far away from the Post as possible!

The paper extracted the following things from the empowered young woman over the weekend:
1. Sexxxy photos.
2. Exclusive debut and video for her craptastic new pop song.

In return they gave her a puff piece calling her a "poster child for redemption." LOL! Oh and an explanatory piece on her tattoos. That too. And the Post's most painful concession (if you're a music critic): A positive review of her new single, "I Feel So Alive Without You." It's in the paper, but not online. That may have been a concession to Dan Aquilante, the critic forced to write this:

Unlike her first single, "Inside Out," a molasses-tempo ballad, this new tune has youth appeal in its complex melody that segues from a rock opening to a poppy chorus and ultimately plays with an unplugged acoustic bridge. Dupre should consider weaving in a quick rap for good measure.

Yes, weaving in a quick rap usually gives these things a touch of class. Aquilante didn't let this mandatory positive review go through without exacting his revenge in the kicker:

Ask any rock star and they'll tell you it's all about hooks, looks and the smarts to know how to take advantage of an opportunity when it falls into your lap — Miss Dupre has an abundance of all three qualities.

References to hookers and lap dances. You see Ashley, this is just the nature of the game. It was actually impressive when you turned down multimillion-dollar porn offers in the wake of the Spitzer scandal and went quiet for a while. What you don't realize, Ashley: the New York tabloid industry is shadier than the porn industry. And the tabloids don't even pay you.

It's not clear what they were trying to gain or who they were trying to serve by the stunt. Even at Fox — which repeatedly used the horror anyone felt that day as an excuse to push all sorts of ill-fated policies — they spent the morning airing live pictures from the memorial service at the Pentagon. So did CNN.

MSNBC did this last year, too. Even posting a news quiz on their site to see how much info you were absorbing. All we learned — before we quickly turned the channel — is that this is a dumb tradition that MSNBC ought to stop.