The Chicago Tribune just unveiled a redesign, which seems like a good occasion for a big old memo from Lee Abrams. High five! All ellipses are in the original text, people:

Well, there were roadblocks. But those were removed, and the New Chicago Tribune is more than a new version of the timeless Tribune, but it represents a completely new attitude in the newsroom, marketing floor . . . everywhere.

Everywhere.

There's a new flexibility and freedom to have so much belief on the brand, the city and the people that we can take chances . . . try things . . . have the attitude of re-invention locked into our genes so we can compete . . . and prevail without the shackles of sacred and tired old line thinking that is weighty enough top sink us all into the land of the obsolete. It's a whole new day . . . and attitude.

Something is happening here.

I thought Allentown did an good job with their re-invent . . . it wasn't really that WOW though, but it is clear that they are a model of daily re-invent as they are on fire with new ideas and angles. They're continually launching new features, upgrading existing ones and THINKING about the newspaper . . . an a 24/7 basis.

Right. Now here's where Abrams really starts to Blow. Your. Minds:

The Baltimore Sun did some very nice special sections . . . BUT—they were plastered with the line "SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION"OUCH! Why not just say "Don't read this because it's a bunch of ads and no credible content"I understand the importance of seperating these from the traditional news, that's fine, but how about another name??SPECIAL FEATUREA PUBLICATION OF (PUT PAPER HERE)etc. . . .

Shhh: no words.

[via Adfreak]

Aides would give few details beyond the fact that McCain will speak directly to the camera, addressing Obama.

The strip-tease on the ad is one of several moves by the McCain campaign that could distract attention from Obama's big night.

Ok, John, that's a really bad idea.

Also his Vice Presidential pick will be announced either right before Obama's speech, which is a brilliant way of getting it no publicity until tomorrow, or after the speech, when we are drunk or asleep. It will be either internationally beloved sanctimonious baby mole-rat Joe Lierberman or reviled phony rich prick Wilbur "Mitt" Romney And His Totally Not Gay Sons.

Or Pawlenty or Kay Bailey Hutchison, who are boring, or Rudy Giuliani, who is not boring.

[Pdf of original.]

WSJ: Tell me about your lucky red backpack, which you wore to your first Spanx sales meeting at Neiman Marcus.

Ms. Blakely: It's just an old-fashioned Eastpack from the early 1990s. When I first cold-called Neiman Marcus to sell Spanx, my friends all begged me not to bring it and to buy a Prada bag instead, even if I had to return it the next day. It's my lucky bag, although I think seeing my butt [in Spanx] actually worked more than the backpack. I had no shame — I took the Neiman Marcus buyer into the bathroom, and as soon as I came out of the stall and she saw my pants [with the Spanx underneath], she said, I'll buy 3,000 pairs.

Remember: Always. Be. Closing. By using your butt.

WSJ: Ms. Paltrow is actually one of many actresses who has praised Spanx. Did you have a moment when you knew you had "arrived"?

Ms. Blakely: Actually, it would have to be when Gwyneth told the press she attributed her post-baby body [after the birth of daughter Apple] to Spanx, and said that all the celebrities wear them two pair at a time on the red carpet.

This is simply misguided. You want something even better than Spanx? Try THIS on for size, Gwyneth:

[WSJ. I am aware that nobody cares about my opinion on "Spanx."]

“We know that the guidelines need to evolve into specific recommendations and goals,” [coalition member Tom] Berquist said. “And yes, we know that eventually, we have to get paper out of the equation altogether.”

MORE SPAM. Huzzah! And there's always this creative tactic:

There is also support for “list hygiene” — that is, cleaning out direct-mail lists to remove the names of dead people and others unlikely to respond.

ONLY SEND MAIL TO THE LIVING. We'll have this crisis solved in no time.

[NYT]

[Ad Age]

CBS signed up Roehm to be a judge on Jingles, a new show where people compete to make the best ad jingles (sounds awful). But the show has already been "postponed" before it even launched, because the network needs more time to promote (kill?) it. So how did Roehm, famous mostly for her spectacular failure on one of marketing's biggest stages, get the gig?

According to executives familiar with the matter, the "Jingles" casting crew was in a tizzy as of just a month ago, sending out dispatches to ad folks citing a "time crunch" in assembling a judges' panel, with a specific eye on pinning down a female ad or marketing executive.

Oh, and part of the criteria was the hotness factor: "It is television, therefore, being attractive would be a bonus," said one e-mail dispatch from Sam Gollestani, casting director for the host and judges.

The article also points out that every similar show has failed. Should be great!

[Ad Age, Forbes]

[via Fimoculous]

Along 34th Street between Fifth Avenue and Avenue of the Americas, 15 stores flooded the sidewalk with their air-conditioning. On a three-block stretch of Broadway in SoHo, from Houston Street to Broome Street, the number was 29. Among the energy wasters were major retailers like Steve Madden, H & M, Foot Locker, Aerosoles, Lane Bryant, Ann Taylor Loft, Arden B., Aldo, Uniqlo, Esprit and Zara.

Not Lane Bryant! There's a proposed law to fine retailers that do this, but it doesn't look too popular politically. More effective is the "asshole customer" route. Think of it as a free chance to berate Steve Madden.

[NYT]

[via Breitbart.tv]

Obama should point out shocking facts like "We aren't always aware of our biases" (people love to be told that!) and "A conservative may end up the first woman president" (why would Obama say this??) and "Politics can make a difference for women" (can it get them a MAN? lol j/k).

Then he suggests that Obama use this speech on gender issues, the speech it would probably condescending for him to make, as it usually is when smart boys play "feminist," to save all the ladies and babies in Iraq and Africa, which, while a very noble and important cause, really has fuck-all to do with the gender issues that colored coverage of Hillary Clinton's campaign and exposed deep reservoirs of sexism in the American body politic.

Then Kristof invites you to comment on this column on his Facebook page! You can be a Knight or a Vampire.

The Sex Speech [NYT]

The bubble-butt version:

Fun-loving yellow:

Put it in your pocket!:

[via Mother Jones]

[Copyranter]

The casualwear brand, called LL Cool J for Sears, will include girls and boys, juniors and young men's wear, according to (WWD).

Much catchier than "FUBU." LL's main challenge? Living up to the standards set by Latin TV star Lucy Pereda:

Sears previously launched 97 multicultural concept stores in its stores, and has offered African-American-themed items in its catalogs. It also has sold labels by Latin TV star Lucy Pereda, as well as well-known designers Liz Claiborne and BCBG's Max Azria.

Meanwhile, analysts expect another dismal quarter at Sears when the Hoffman Estates-based retailer reports earnings on Thursday.

[Chicago Sun-Times via Multicult Classics]

The New Travel Weekly, a small lifestyle magazine, ran photos of sultry models in their underwear amid the debris in an issue that hit the stands on Monday - the first of three days of national mourning.

Ha, whoa! Now we've seen some bad judgment, but that is some bad judgment. All the magazine's top editors have been fired, and the publication has been temporarily shuttered for "rectification." In a formal statement we agree with for once, the Chinese government said the photos constituted an "extremely evil social influence."

You still don't see 9/11 porn.

[News24]

Charles O. Prince III, Citigroup's former chief executive, wanted something fresh and focused on the theme of financial partnership, these people said. After months of research, the group settled on "Let's Get It Done," an invitation for customers to use more of Citi's services and a rallying cry for employees to get behind its turnaround...

But the tagline fizzled, despite a $30 million budget for the first two months of advertising. Although Citigroup executives maintain it tested well with customers, many employees, from senior bankers to security guards, were uninspired. The tagline also sounded like the "Git-R-Done" riff from the blue-collar comedian Larry the Cable Guy.

You might be a troubled CEO if...

[NYT]

Advertising and restaurant executives point to several reasons that neither campaign was a hit. The bizarre red wig commercials were too much of a departure from Wendy's folksy brand; the apple was not a strong enough image to represent Applebee's. It is unlikely, though, that either one would have been ended so quickly in better economic times.

Instead, both marketers have opted for a more recession-proof approach: glamour shots of food that are intended to make mouths water and prompt consumers to reach for their wallets.

THEY WILL BE MISSED. Wait; no.

[NYT; disclosure: I once worked with Doug Quenqua, author of this article.]

"We all read 'em," said Pfc. Paul Rubio, 31, of Bakersfield, Calif. "There are times we just read 'em for the technological parts like the new gadgets that come out. They have good stories sometimes too."

Sgt. Simon Brown, 34, of Daytona Beach, Fla., said men's magazines build morale. "It's not all about the pictures, although 80 percent of it is," he said.

Pfc. Greg Smith, 21, of Northboro, Mass., a regular Playboy reader, said soldiers should be allowed to buy nudie magazines at the exchange.

"Playboy is good entertainment while you are on the can. They have jokes and good stories," he said...

"It would suck if they ban it," he said. "It's bad enough we are down there to begin with. Taking that away would be like a knife in the chest. I'm not saying I'm depending on Maxim to keep me alive over there, but it helps."

[Military.com via Dan Savage]

"DJs are the least compensated in the industry element...I am calling on the industry to show support of an event to unify DJs and create future economic safety for these people. The Million DJ March will be the conclusion to a long road of requests from many markets to aid in our mission of security."

Who knew that DJs were so threatened? Louis Farrakhan, who started this whole phenomenon with his Million Man March—the one that actually drew a million people—must be so proud to see what his idea has become: a bitch session for scratchmasters.

Anything less than 1,000,000 DJs will bring the cause crashing down like a pair of Technics perched on a shaky table, so register now.

—Any gain in body fat of more than 5% will result in this contract being void.

—Trips to fast food outlets in excess of one per week will result in this contract being void.

—Publicized drug use will result in this contract being void.

—Photos showing spokesperson driving with kids not restrained by child safety seats will result in this contract being void.

—The release of a new album that sucks will result in this contract being void.

—On stage performances featuring a zombified spokesperson who is clearly too drugged out of her mind to perform the necessary dance moves will result in this contract being void.

—The spokesperson's inevitable regression towards her natural body composition will result in this contract being void.

—Discovery that our spokesperson is in fact Britney Spears, a danger to herself and others, will result in this contract being void.

—How about we just give you two free personal trainers and reap the free publicity instead?

(Confidential to Britney: These people don't care about your health. Drop them immediately in favor of this:)

The original suggestion that started this terrible ball rolling, and which has garnered almost 65,000 positive votes from insane people so far, said in part:

My idea is simple - Starbucks does a lot of things well - good coffee, interesting locations. One of its challenges though I believe is to create a sense of conversation and community within its locations.

One way of doing this would be to use the power of media and wireless new media in particular to foster a sense of conversation about the arts, current events, etc. In other words to stimulate Starbucks patrons that wish to interact as part of a 21st century "cafe society" such as they have in Europe traditionally - people gathering together to discuss the arts, world events and culture.

Now the company is exploring the possibility of teaming up with an online interview program with "fascinating guests," which would presumably broadcast out of Starbucks, as a first step. This somehow will get people talking in the stores, I guess about the fascinating guests in the online program they are all simultaneously watching on their laptops. On a positive note, perhaps people trying to talk to you while you huddle in a corner in Starbucks will, like an alcoholic picking up a crack cocaine habit, hasten the inevitable demise of this flawed institution.

Don't talk to me.

[Via Rex]

Greatest Hits: Smoking Is Terrorism

At Least It Helped Literacy In Spain

Scary Foreshadowing By Pakistani Airlines

Nature Has 9-11 Too!

MTV Is Concerned About Hunger As Well As 9-11

The artist is reported to have created the work to pay tribute to Natividad Canda, a Nicaraguan man who was eaten by two Rottweiler dogs in San Jose, Costa Rica, on November 10, 2005.

In a statement to the Press, Mr Vargas said the important thing for him was the hypocrisy of people.

"An animal thus becomes the focus of attention when you put it in a place where white people go to see art, but not when they are on the street dying of hunger.

"The same happened to Natividad Canda, people were not (sympathetic) to him until the dogs ate him."

He also highlighted the fact that no one intervened to help the animal while it was on display.

[via Gulf Daily News]

Liberty Mutual runs a website called ResponsibilityProject.com. It has a blog, videos, and other content promoting "responsibility," but it's fundamentally an interactive branding exercise tied to one of the company's ads.

Yesterday, a blogger at the Tribble Agency noticed that Liberty Mutual had bought Google Adwords related to Tilley to promote a story called "Death By Blog" that they're running on the Responsibility Project. That story, by ex-journalist Kathy McManus, attempts to position the Tilley-blog controversy as an "ethical" question, since some of the mean bloggers had posted mean remarks about Tilley "seemingly with no reason other than the chance to snipe at a big boss."

Another, more pertinent ethical question could be, "Is it right for a huge corporation, which has no legitimate claim on Tilley's life, image, or legacy, to buy ads based on the man's death in order to sell insurance?"

The consensus: no it's not, jerks. Ad industry bloggers who caught wind of the plan have called it everything from "wrong" to "irresponsible" to "insane," and AdScam referred to the company as, uh, "fucking douchenozzles." To make it worse, the company reportedly even bought the keywords "AdScam" and "Agency Spy"—the two blogs most closely tied to the criticisms of Tilley before his death.

It's obvious even to us that this is poorly conceived and tasteless. It appears that Liberty Mutual has pulled its keyword ads now (confirmation?), but this never should have happened in the first place. It would make a good case for the crappy "Responsibility Project."

[via Adverganza, AdScam, Adfreak]