Welcome Back!

Big Love, Jan. 18th
Excellent show with beautiful acting from everyone, especially Jeanne Tripplehorn as the put-upon first wife of a Utah polygamist family. Watch the first two seasons in the next two weeks and become a bleary-eyed addict.

Lost, Jan. 21st
What can I really say? The most engaging, mysterious, and stirring show network television has put out in a looong time. You've four seasons to whiz through if you're going to catch up, or you can do like some and try desperately to avoid the spoilers for two more seasons and watch the whole thing when the eventual DVD box set is released. That would be an amazing few weeks. You'd probably get fired.

Flight of the Conchords, Jan. 18th
You can already watch the first episode of the gonzo Kiwi musical comedy. Jemaine and Brett are in top form as usual.

The Real World: Brooklyn, this Wednesday
ZOMG, this probably should not be filed under "good," because it will be terrible. But admit it. You're sort of curious. God knows we are. For the first episode at least. Then we'll forget it and let it molder.

Battlestar Galactica, Jan. 16th
The last 10 episodes ever! The show has become a bit too byzantine—we'd be lying if we said we really have any idea what the hell is going on at this point. But, we still want to know who the last Cylon is.

Please Go Away (Again)

Trust Me, Jan. 26th
This is that TNT show that you've seen laboriously advertised if you've been to a movie in the last few weeks and been forced to watch one of those irksome "First Look" things before the previews. It's about the insanely smug team of Eric McCormack and Tom Cavanagh doing advertising or something. Ick.

American Idol: Season 342, a week from today
It's basically just going to be terrible, what with its new judge and just tired everything and oh God we're going to watch the whole miserable thing until we get bored with it by the final four and just stay til the end so we can punch our time cards and go home.

The United States of Tara, Jan. 18th
We were sort of curious to hop over to Showtime after Big Love to see this Toni Colette series about a woman with highly pronounced multiple personalities. But then there was the Diablo "Juno" Cody factor, and our Los Angeles cousin hated it and now we just think it's going to be bad news.

Heroes, Feb. 2nd
There's a new "volume" or something called "Fugitives." Whatever. Worst-written show ever.

The Last Templar, Jan. 25th
Remember when Mira Sorvino won an Oscar? Now she's an archaeologist solving low-budge mysteries on network television.

So that's that! The New York Times has a full list in their TV section, so you can sift through what else is coming up and decide if it's going to be awful or annoying or both. Happy watching. We guess.

After the jump: A trip to the resurrection chamber!

· Sci Fi channel has greenlit Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel set 50 years prior. Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, and Polly Walker will star. [Variety]
· Blockbuster has now restyled itself as a box office for Live Nation concert tickets, hoping it can supplement whatever modest surcharge revenue the venture generates by charging exorbitant late fees if you fail to bring your stubs back in time. [THR]

NBCU has been plotting a Battlestar prop auction since the summer, trickling out such must-sorta-haves as Cylon War-era flight suits and War Room chalkboards on a Web site ranking right below asthma inhalers among fanboy essentials. The network has hosted such events before, previously cashing in at last year's Heroes/Office/30 Rock sale. But the international interest in Battlestar sparked a recent run on hotel rooms in and around the Pasadena Convention Center, we hear, with the artifacts' online clearing house now offering a handy guide to making the most of that slavering southern pilgrimage.

Which, in the end, is fine with us; anything that helps pay off NBC's Olympics debt and keeps us in Jeff Zucker profiles is a true public service in the long run.

• 'Battlestar Galactica' Props and Costumes [Propworx via TLF]

Brown Coat, or random frontier person. We talked to Shawna Trpcic, costume designer for Joss Whedon's shows Firefly, Serenity, Dr. Horrible and Dollhouse. She's all about adapting easy-to-find materials — she cut up her own wedding dress to make Inara's ballgown in the Firefly episode "Shindig." Says Trpcic:

Thrift stores are a treasure source. You don't feel bad cutting something up to make it a-line or off center, to make it other-worldly. I love the "Towns" in cities - Chinatown, Little India, Thai-town — you can get amazing costume pieces for very little, [with] all the embroidery and beading. Crazy shoes, neat jewlery. The stores that supply "work" clothes are also great, for Amish, prairie, or cowboy. You can get thick pants, prairie dresses [or] patriot shirts. Again usually not very expensive. Then the planet you choose to be from will determine the make-up.

Random cyborg mutant. We got a similar answer from Ruth Secord, who's worked on a slew of TV movies including Threshold, Bugs, Terminal Invasion, and Encrypt. Go down to your local Army surplus store and "Value Village" type stores and look for random stuff that you can put together into a ramshackle survivor of the purge of humanity.
What you'll need: Scraps of rubber and leather. Pieces of chain mail. A pop riveter. Bits and pieces of electronics. Old Army uniforms.

Nerd Herder from Chuck. We talked to Augusta, aka burlesque performer Penny Starr, Jr., who works as a costumer on NBC's series about a nerd in an electronics store who gets the CIA and NSA databases plugged into his brain. And not surprisingly, Augusta suggests dressing as a member of the Nerd Herd, the team of computer fixers that Chuck belongs to.
What you'll need: "Black pants, white short sleeve shirt, grey tie and pocket protector."

Mork From Ork. The manic, happy-to-go-lucky, finger-drinking visitor from a crazy backwards planet, from the classic sitcom. He's due for a come-back, and I'm frankly shocked the Mork movie hasn't been announced yet.
What you'll need: Shaggy hair, vertical stripey suspenders, glue-on chest hair, and heaps of cocaine.

Steampunk person. Another suggestion from Augusta, the Chuck costumer. "There's nothing more 'in' these days than steampunk!" she says. For those who slept through the past two decades, Steampunk is about imagining an alternate Victorian era that achieved high technology (including cyborgs and stuff) powered by steam.
What you'll need: Victorian clothing. For men, a white shirt and fitted (not pleated) trousers. For women, a long, full skirt. Turn up your collar, and then buy a women's silk scarf and wrap it around your neck, with a knot, to make an ascot of sorts. Buy some goggles from the Army/Navy surplus store, and while you're there, ask if they have any gaiters, which are canvas leg coverings that go over your leg like spats. "Add a suit vest from the thrift store, and get a length of chain from the hardware store for your 'pocket watch' — buy a connector to clip it to the second to last button hole and connect the other side to your iphone!"

Bodypainted superhero. If you're bald and skinny, paint yourself silver and go as the Silver Surfer. (It may help to have a surfboard, also painted silver.) If you're a bit bigger, paint yourself green and go as the Hulk. (Or She-Hulk if you're a tall, buff woman.)
What you'll need: Bodypaint. And, if you're the Surfer, a surfboard and some silver paint.

Random Stargater: Our resident Stargate expert, Meredith, points out that the basic Stargate uniform is pretty simple — and very close to actual Army fatigues.
What you'll need: Basic Army fatigues. And a patch. You can be lame and just laser print it, or you can try and track down someone like this guy who makes the real thing. Ahh... just laser print it.

Off-duty Battlestar personnel. Particularly in the Battlestar Galactica miniseries, the Galactica crew had a pretty simple uniform for when they were off duty. And yet it has the advantage of being pretty recognizeable, because who wears a tanktop over a T-shirt normally?
What you'll need: cream/tan-colored T-shirt, olive-green or dark green tank top, and green fatigue pants. Bonus points if you're female and have short blonde hair.

Col. Doctor Irina Spalko, from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. She's awesome and distinctive, but also quite simple. The only hard part is the sword, but you can probably use a toy for that.
What you'll need: A blue/grey jumpsuit, similar to what maintenance workers wear. Try your local thrift store and uniform supply store. Big black gloves, big black boots, and a big black belt with a gold buckle. (You can paint the star on it yourself.) And then there's that sword, which could totally be a toy, unless you can borrow someone's real sword. And finally, a shiny straight black wig with a bowl/fringe cut, which you can find in my neighborhood for $10. Boom, you're done.

Starman. This one's a suggestion from Annalee. Jack Knight takes over as the superhero Starman, the hero his dad invented, after his brother dies on the job. Jack spurns the spandexy costumes and big fins the original Starman went for, and instead goes with a simpler, but more kick-ass, outfit.
What you'll need: Black leather jacket, T-shirt, jeans. Big goggles. And you'll have to figure out a way to make your own power rod — Annalee suggests a broomstick with a globe attached.
Another T-shirty superhero costume: Captain Hammer, who just wears a black T-shirt and cargo pants. You just have to attach the trademark logo somehow, either by glueing it on or by getting it from a custom T-shirt store. (In my neighborhood, they have a two-hour turnaround now.)

And here's a bonus idea, that's a bit harder but still pretty doable:

Cassandra from Doctor Who. Okay, this one is a bit more ambitious, but not really as hard as it seems. Stay with me here. Cassandra is the self-proclaimed "last human," who's had so much plastic surgery that she's now just a piece of skin stretched across a frame. She's bitchy and fabulous, and always seems to be hatching plans to destroy all of the zillions of other people who could lay claim to being among the last humans.
What you'll need: A metal garment rack on wheels, some kind of thin tarp or flesh-colored plastic sheeting, some paints, a rubber brain, a glass tube, a white smock, white pants, some bandages, some goggles. What you do is, stretch the fake skin across the dress rack, and attach the brain to the base of the rack inside the jar, and paint eyes and mouth on it, plus maybe a few little veins. Then you dress in all white, with the goggles, and wheel "Cassandra" around. If you can throw your voice so it sounds like she's telling you to moisturize her, so much the better.

One second you're on a squeaky-clean Canadian soap, the next moment you're in high heels and panties in a Maxim shoot.

I wasn't like 18, where it was sending off sparks and it was taboo, you know how the American public likes to do that. The show's publicist one day called and said, "Would you be interested in doing Maxim?" And I said, "Do I get the cover?" And she said no. And I said, "Hell yeah!" So she broke it down and I was really happy with it. And that helped me get "Cleaner." Not that I was dressing like that — but it put a different image in people's heads.

When we know you as someone in an armor bodysuit, it does change the perspective on you.

Just look at media, and how they like to do headlines. You want to catch people's attention. Eh, I dunno! It happened to work. Some people will go further than others.

Are there points where you've sat down with your professionals and said, "OK, what do I do? How do I get to where I want to be?"

Not really! At that point I only had one, if you want to say "people," I only had an agent. I didn't have anyone in L.A. — I had an agent in Vancouver. And meanwhile I know people in the States collect a dozen people. Talking to my castmates, they say, "Oh, my financial manager, publicist, manager, agent" — there are so many. . . . I think I actually follow my gut a little bit more. If there was a Jim Carrey movie? For sure I'd want to be in it. We have our lists. I just haven't hit too many of those [...]

You would think we were, on the coasts, a nation of hedonist atheists. You know, all those godless gays and Jews in Hollywood.

There's a lot of Jewish people in L.A. and I didn't know that! I was like, "Jewfro? What's a Jewfro?" And half the people were laughing. I was like, "What are you guys in on?" What's matzo ball soup? What's actually in it? Everybody just knows, right? I was like, "Is it meat? Is it flour?" I just had my first a few months ago.

[Ah, Choire. Always with the gay Jews. Read the rest of the interview here.]

"The cast has so far seen most of the series' final episodes, which will air in (sigh!) 2009. 'There's one episode where everything is explained and I had to read it three times,' Park said. 'I had to sit down with [executive producer] Ron Moore and he had to break it down.'

"Among other tidbits (the interview with Park will run here on July 20), Park also confirmed the presence of a child actor on set—one of the toddlers who plays her character Sharon 'Athena' Agathon's daughter, the Cylon-human offspring Hera." [LAT]

• Old Eyepatchy just outed himself to Miami Vice! "I'm one of the four." Kill him!
• But Miami Vice thinks Eyepatchy just has a chip in his head. "When I met you you had hair. I never heard of a skin job aging."
• But Eyepatchy has a way out! You can live! You can live! Freeeeeedom!
• Miami Vice: "There is no fracking earth!" Geez, kinda cheer up already, old man. These space people look up to you!
• Yeah, torture Eyepatchy! Torture him to madness!
• Hey wait! You're not President Boringface Actorman. You're gonna kill the fleet? You're the bad guy?! Kill him!
• Don't you people point your guns at Blonde Tomboy Space Girl! Shoot Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff in his gut if you wanna, but leave Blonde Tomboy Space Girl alone!
• OMG! Cyclons! Cyclons everywhere!
• You Secret Cyclons are fucked!
• Yes! Blonde Tomboy Space Girl is in her space plane! She'll save everyone! She is God with a pretty nose and nice hair!
• Awww! Look how happy she is! She knows something...
• I'm gonna put exclamation points here! here! and here!
• Oh Jesusface. You're the good guy?!
• Kill President Boringface Actorman! Kill him dead!
• Oh shut up Xena. They'd forgive you for what you did on the colonies if you'd stop killing them. So stop killing them!
• Blonde Tomboy Space Girl did it! She saved everyone! Yaaaaaay!
• Amnesty for the Secret Cyclons! Yaaaaay!
• Boringface and Lady MacDeath and Miami Vice are all best buds now. Yaaaaaay!
• Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Yaaaaaaay!
• Um, uh? What the fuck is up with earth? It's all...
• You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

"Helfer, 34, is game for doing her own riding on an upcoming episode of the USA show 'Burn Notice,' playing Carla, a slinky spy who may have figured into the 'burning' of ex-CIA operative Michael Westen. According to show creator Matt Nix, he's 'trying to find an episode where we can incorporate Tricia's skills.'

"Sackhoff, 28, will do her own stunts when she plays an anesthesiologist with a fondness for body ink and bikes on four episodes of the FX show 'Nip/Tuck.' The love interest of Dr. McNamara, 'My character rides a motorcycle to work every day,' said Sackhoff.

"'It's really interesting when writers and producers find out that you ride,' said Sackhoff, a self-described tomboy. 'They're so excited . . . like, wow. We need to use that.'

"Sackhoff, who's from Portland, Ore., and Helfer, who grew up on a farm in Canada, both rode all-terrain vehicles when they were young. They took up motorcycling last year because they were each 'tired of being on the back of a guy's bike,' said Sackhoff. 'Then Tricia and I started working together, and we both started going, 'We should do this.' "

The article includes awesome video of the ladies riding their hogs here.

• Huh? Where did that goo-bath come from? And why is the High-Bread Queen alive again? No fair!
• Oh snap. Acid freak-out. Maybe President Lady MacDeath or Smokey Assistant Crazypants will tell me what's going on. No? Crap.
• Pretty Asian Cyclon: "The High-Bread makes her own decisions." Can she decide to get Blonde Tomboy Space Girl out here pronto?
• Prez MacDeath to Miami Vice: "You don't love people." Who could love people when your a person, you fracking windbag.
• Now she wants to blow up all the goo-baths everywhere! And she is so sneaky and snakey about it!
• Yay Xena! Yay slippery wet goo-bath Xena!!
• Bleachy Cyclon tells Macho Borefaced Actorman that her space plane training is as good as anyone's and he's all, "The 24 I shot down prove otherwise." Crack his stupid head open with your robot strength, Bleachy! I love it when you do that!
• MacDeath is imagining killing High-Bread baby. Hey, that's Pretty Asian Cyclon's vision, vision thief!
• Um, Dr. Jesusface? You can't pull your psycho-babble crap on a Centurion. He's a straight-up robot, dumbass.
• That Other Guy wants to find a Cyclon body, coz then he can find the goo-baths? I guess?
• ATTACK! Ha! Didn't see that one coming, did you, Lady MacDeath? Have a vision of that next time, jerky!
• Space fight! Space fight! Blow the Hub!
• OMG! That big-ass metal robot is totally listening to Dr. Jesusface!
• OMG! Xena is totally hot as balls!
• Franken-Cyclon! Franken Cyclon!
• You gave the access codes to the Cyclons?! You are soooo dead!

[Complex via OhNoTheyDidn't]

• "Tonight's movie will be The Glory Brigade. Rock 'em, sock 'em... kisses you never got..." Oh wait. That's MASH. What the heck channel am I on?
• Bleachy Cyclon dying? Again? And Pretty Asian Cyclon shot her? Why?!
• Now Saggyface Actorman is president? How many presidents you people gonna get?
• Oh Pretty Asian Cyclon. You can't go around shooting people in the gut coz you have "visions". No one wants your little high-bread baby anyway.
• "Get her out of my sight!" You know, Miami Vice, you're starting to get on my nerves. And you looked silly being secret ninja man on that other show.
• Great. Old Eyepatchy and Miami Vice babbling at each other again. Blonde Tomboy Space Girl, mofos! Bring her out. Bring her out now.
• Saggyface Actorman and Hollywood Neutral Hunkbot arguing. Kee-righst! If you have a penis, get off my TV right now!
• This is getting to be like Buffy if they did a whole episode with just Xander and Giles and Spike. Except none of those guys suck!
• Only high-breads can find the goo-ship, Bleachy? So you are gonna steal Pretty Asian Cyclon's baby!
• Ew Bleachy! Stop touching Old Eyepatchy! Quit it!
• What's with the fucking leprechaun? No one's got you stinkin' pot o' gold.
• Blonde Tomboy Space Girl! Yaaaaaaay! But, huh? Full dress uniform? No sweaty cleavage or biceps? No greasy hair? You people are killing me!
• And now she's gone.
• Leprechaun speech. I am so out of here!
• "It's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes." Ha!

"Then, and seemingly without dropping a bead of sweat, Katee gave Bionic Woman the only fire it had as its rogue bionic. A bonfire to be more accurate. It was night and day on that show between her scenes and every one else's. Both of those shows have expired or are about to. She's a bonafide super star, if Hollywood would merely point bright lights her way to reflect. Give her a lead role and watch the magic happen."

Oh and about this week's roundup... I thought I could watch Stripes and then catch the midnight showing of Battlestar, but then I fell asleep. I had a really long week and I really, really had to go to bed! I'm sorry Blonde Tomboy Space Girl! I still love you!

If the episode shows up on hulu.com or elsewhere, I'll get a report up asap.

• Step to Blonde Tomboy Space Girl, get kneecapped. Now you know.
• Don't take Pretty Asian Cyclon with you to meet the rebels! She just tried to mutiny your ass!
• President GetDead is bald, Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff is bald... What's with all the baldness, baldies?
• When did Smokey Assistant Crazypants get all calm and professional? I smell a trap!
• So does Blonde Tomboy Space Girl...
• The comet is the ship? Dunno what that means but it makes Blonde Tomboy Space Girl all giggly and cute!
• Ack! Cyclons!
• Oooo... Good Pretty Asian Cyclon and Rebel Asian Cyclons slumber party!
• Mutiny against Bleachy Cyclon!
• Oh Bleachy, you can't go around beating humans to death like that. They don't even have goo baths.
• Bleachy and Red Cyclon lesbian make-out! Kiss goodbye. Ouch.
• Oh man, and no goo bath ship! Bye Bleachy Cyclon.
• The Hybrid! Meh.
• "The missing three will give you the five who have come from the home of the thirteenth." Wha?
• "You are the harbinger of death, Kara Three." Kara Three? More Blonde Tomboy Space Girls? Where do I get one?!
• "Mission Accomplished"? Are you gettin' funny on me?

• Don't you get in that viper, Blonde Tomboy Space Girl! It makes you crazy!
• Dr. Jesusface: "How does that make you feel?" Oh great. Now he's a fracking psycholologist...
• "The gods don't exist! We have been pandering to our own ignorance for far too long!" Dayum, Doctor. Who knew you had it in ya?
• You will not undermine Blonde Tomboy Space Girl, Pretty Asian Cyclon! Earth is not a pipe dream! She has magic and you are jealous, stupid jealous Cyclon!
• Get away from that ship, Blonde Tomboy Space Girl! It's full of Cyclons!
• Don't talk to him!
• Don't let him into your quarters! He'll get into your head! Nooooes...
• "Anesthetizing yourself with ambrosia and petty affairs!" That's just how the Blonde Tomboy Space Girl rolls, ass.
• Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff still doesn't know Secret Cyclon Lady killed his wife? And now she's blaming him?! Oh, Fatty, you really are a dumb fuck.
• Don't be planning mutiny, Pretty Asian Cyclon. Know why? Coz, busted!
• Ew. Ol' Doc Jesusface and Secret Cyclon Lady having smelly-looking nerd sex. Ew.
• Great. Now he's making a speech. Great, now Old Eyepatchy's making a speech. Does anyone in space ever STFU?
• The most boring woman ever is inspecting the hull. And now she's dead. Yay, death!
• Fatty is thinking! Fatty is pissed.
• Yes, Fatty, choke him! Choke Jesusface!! Choke him more!!!
• Ack! Mutiny! Space Girrrrrrrl! Noooooes...

• Ooh... Jesus Doctor in kinky bondage funtimes with Secret Cyclon lady!
• Bondage funtimes with Secret Cyclon not really so fun.
• Wha? Jesus Doctor's harem invaded by gay bikers from The Road Warrior? Where is Lord Humongous?!
• Hey, Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff! Your wife is space food. Didn't anybody tell you yet?
• Silly pilot lady... You can't land on your nose!
• Bleachy Cyclon's in Doctor Jesus's head—Are we still doing that?
• Raid on the temple! Turn over the money changers' tables! Cliche complete!
• 23 minutes in and STILL NO BLONDE TOMBOY SPACE GIRL!
• Gravel is for rustic driveways, Miami Vice. You don't eat it.
• Old Eyepatchy wants Bleachy Cyclon to be his Oprah friend and tell him what it's like to have so many deaths on her bony hands.
• Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff: "I settled! I settled for that freak! Those dull fracking eyes!" You are a mechanic with a studio apartment and you want to get the hotties? It's space, fatboy. Not Long Island.
• Eww... Old Eyepatchy's eye! Haha... Bleachy just beat the shit out of you!
• Blonde Tomboy Space Girl... Where are you?? ::sniffle::

One of the main characters is "Father/Billionaire scientist Daniel Graystone. Sure he may not be the world’s most attentive parent, but can you really blame him? He’s awfully busy worrying that his company is on the verge of losing the Government contract for the Robot Super-soldier and Meta-Cognitive Processor after wasting five years and half a billion cubits. Worse still, his lack of attention has led his wife Amanda to seek comfort in her husband’s chief rival Tomas Vergis [a Tauron!] while his daughter Zoey’s cries for attention lead her to an organization known as the 'Soldiers of One' — a monotheistic religious group that advocates the worship of a single, all-knowing, all powerful God whose mission is to quote, 'drive out the many Gods.'" Spoilers galore here.

• Ew, sweet Asian Cyclon—Don't kiss Quantum Leap!
• The Cyclons are split down the middle. Can I have the half with Xena in it?
• Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff is having an identity crisis coz he's a secret Cyclon. Waaah!
• Miami Vice is reading to President Lady MacCancer? You gotta get dead, lame lady. You gotta get dead now.
• Blonde tomboy space girl! Blonde tomboy space girl!
• Don't give her guff, doubting pussies! She stands on top of you and talks down to you through a grid. You know coz why? Coz she's the fucking blonde tomboy space girl. That's coz why!
• Bye, bye Council of Hottie Cyclons. ::sniffle::
• Old Eyepatchy to Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff: "The last thing we need is for your Cyclon hating wife to find out that there's a bunch of skin-jobs on this ship and that one of them is her husband." Then maybe you shouldn't'a said that out loud just now, jobby.
• Wrench to the face! Wrench to the face!
• Don't put the baby in the space chute! Nooooes!
• Uh-oh. Bye-bye nice lady.