Via the AP report:

The official tells The Associated Press that it's unclear whether the 23-year-old daughter of pop star Billy Joel and supermodel Christie Brinkley had attempted suicide. The official says a friend of Joel's frantically called 911 from Joel's downtown Manhattan apartment around noon on Saturday and said the singer had taken several pills. The official didn't know how many or what kind of pills were taken. The official wasn't authorized to publicly disclose the matter and spoke on condition of anonymity.

Obviously, this brings to mind DJ AM's overdose, and for that matter, Heath Ledger's overdose on pills last year. Both were spiraling into exhaustion and depression; Joel had two performances scheduled for the next week and most recently, her mom was in the tabloids for a rough divorce (second item) with scuzzy architect Peter Cook, which her Dad, Billy Joel, came to Brinkley's defense for. The family's got problems. Alexa's career's been going well, not incredible, but pretty decent: the average amount of press for whatever the kid of a celebrity who embarks on a music career would get, and there's really no indication of the kind of dark shit that would lead to drug abuse or chronic depression in her music, or, for that matter—hold the above issues of her parents—any news about her. Signs, though: they're elusive, if they exist. Update: Uh, nevermind. Per the George Rush-penned New York Daily News report:

Alexa Ray is the only daughter of Joel and Brinkley, whose nine-year marriage ended in divorce in 1994. A source said Alexa has been an emotional wreck since breaking up with her boyfriend, ex-bandmate Jimmy Riot, years ago. "She has battled depression," the source said. "She had a rough breakup with a boyfriend, a musician in her band, several years ago. It was her first love." A family friend said Brinkley's ugly split with ex-husband Peter Cook and Joel's marriage with a woman "almost her own age" took a heavy toll on Alexa Ray.

Heartbreak's awful. Ugh.

Again, Joel's publicist noted that she's in stable condition, and that they're "assessing her needs." We can laugh all we want about the kids of celebrities, but really, who knows how easy (or hard) they have it? It's not a third-world problem, but it's not one most of us can speak from experience on, either. Here's hoping she gets better.

The Players:

Derek Jeter, New York Yankee, Sportsman of the Year.

Minka Kelly, actress who played Lyla Garrity in Friday Night Lights and was in for five seconds the movie with Joseph Gordon-Leavitt about hipsters in love with Zooey Deschanel, 500 Days of Summer. Also: Girlfriend of Derek Jeter, Sportsman of the Year.

Scene:

A Starbucks in Tampa, Florida, one of several locations in the city where the Yankees off-season operations are.

Background:

Jeter and Kelly maybe hate Kate Hudson. Jeter is maybe not sexually satisfied by Kelly, who used to date John Mayer. But he did have her at each World Series game, and he did take her on a tour of St. Jetersburgh.

The Tip:

I work at a Starbucks in the Tampa Bay area. Because of our location, we get a lot of baseball players coming in...as well as other athletes in general. I've seen and heard probably everything imaginable. I just wanted to share some observations I've made.

Derek used to be one of the nicest people to step foot in the door. He was always smiling, happy, friendly. If you messed up his order, he wouldn't bitch you out like other people would and he was a very generous tipper.

It had been awhile since I had seen him but when he was in town last week, he came in. No smile, he wasn't friendly, he didn't tip and he seemed like a different person. At first I chalked it up to a bad day. Then he came in again a few days later. Same thing. The day after that, the same thing.

The last time he came in wasn't alone. He walked in the door, plopped down at the first open table and started texting like a madman on his phone.

Minka came up to order.She looks harmless enough but when she opens her mouth? Yeah, not so much. She's rude, demanding, and has one of the most annoying voices I've ever heard.

The guy in front of her orders a pumpkin spice latte. He had asked for whip. She orders one too but without. I make his. I'm putting the lid on the cup that says PSL and she yells out: "Oh my God. I said NO WHIP! Do you listen?!"

So with a sickeningly sweet smile on my face I pointed to the space above where PSL was written and said, "Is your name Frank?" She stares at me with this stupid look on her face before mumbling something unintelligible. At that point her face is all red and I can tell she's both embarrassed and pissed. Derek hasn't looked up from his phone.

When her [order] was done (no whip, people) she yanked it out of my hand and stomped to where Derek was sitting. She just stood there tapping her foot. She had one hand on a hip and was wearing some ugly, ugly boots. He got up without looking at her and walked out without holding the door for her.

Is it bad for me to admit that when the door nearly slammed her drink into her and she almost tripped - that I laughed a little?

I didn't notice her being ugly, aside from the hideous scowl she showed when she got mad. I think the problem is her outfits. I swear it looked she got dressed in the dark. Some people say she's big or thick but she seems average to me.

Tipster: awesome. We salute you. The next latte's on us. Meanwhile: Is Minka Kelly making Derek Jeter less likable?

His post-season play certainly didn't seem to be affected in a negative way. But let's forgot that he's always been known publicly as a friendly guy, and also, the tragic tale of Jessica Simpson's slam of Dallas Coyboys quarterback Tony Romo's season with her bad juju. Eva Longoria has Tony Parker on LOCKDOWN, but then again, his play's been fine. Maybe all these guys need is a good woman behind them. Or maybe they just need Catch-22 motivation to stay out of trouble and out of the house (read: postseason play) as much as humanly possible.

A few things:

1. This is stupid.
2. The Deep V-Neck has been going in and out for years, over and over again. It doesn't even disappear for decades at a time, the only regard it shifts in is who ends up wearing them, and what continent (Europe or America) they live in.
3. Because, for the moment, American Apparel—a popular company—is selling them, and pre-packaged hipster fashion is what's selling, that must make it a trend.
4. If NY1's Pat Kiernan is laughing at it, it probably isn't. Or it's just stupid.
5. This story will inevitably reference Saturday Night Fever, Europeans, when people starting wearing the necklines lower, the first person the author thinks came up with the coinage of "heavage" (which, honestly, sounds like a better euphemism for barfing than it does low-cut men's necklines), the people who like it, the people who don't like it, and where it's going mainstream. Etc. Really, though: go ahead and think of every trend resurgence that might've referenced Saturday Night Fever, and whether or not it actually turned out to be a trend. Exactly.

Guys have been wearing shirts unbuttoned or with lower necklines for a while, all that matters is, again, who's wearing them, and how sleazy the person wearing them is (or the kind of sleaze they want to project). There's business sleaze, hipster sleaze, emasculation complex sleaze (chest hair, everywhere), and then just sleazy-sleaze. And like the Supreme Court's definition of obscenity, when it comes to different stripes of sleaze, you know it when you see it.

But, you know, because we all have slow days, you get Heavage. From Cheetahs to Heavage. What awesome way will newspaper writers think of to make guys look like total dickbags next?

Anyway. Stay turned for my piece on Sandcank Tigers, where I detail the women who try to get men who wear sandals with cankles to attempt to get to second base with them only to have them get rejected and cry like the vulnerable, cankle-having, sandal-wearing sissies they are. This is a real thing, you know?

Heavage. Jesus.

[Image of Gossip Girl's heavage-sporting manmeat via Bauer-Griffin]

• Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are being seen out and about together, and oh, come on, you know you like this. He's just not prettyboy enough to be probably gay and she's this likable Shiksa you didn't think you'd be able to like but she plays the underdog card so hard it's almost like, you know what, I believe it! And then she gave SNL the best episode they've had in forever and she makes all the other teen popettes we've had over the last few years look like vapid vampire octopus brain succubus machines so, like, we could have it so much worse with these guys being at the top of the Gossip Roundup. Jon Gosselin! Gone. Michael Lohan! Gone. Today we have these guys. Let us all be thankful the gods of pop culture have finally given us something marginally likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of Taylor Swift, did you ever think you'd come to the day when one of the guys from Kings of Leon were throwing down for her? These are the same guys who once recorded "Molly's Chambers." Which is about someone's vagina. Those are her chambers. Get it? [People]
  
  
• More likable people! Amy Adams is spawning with her husband who nobody knows. Thank you People for trying to make this a bigger story than it actually is. We, the people who read and write gossip, appreciate this. Because everyone else you cover is functionally retarded. [People]
  
  
• Naomi Campbell has problems going to Art Basel. Because she has a stalker. Why? This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, here. Also, are models still going to things like Art Basel and pretending like they give a shit about art? 90s nostalgia like whoa. [Page Six]
  
  
• DRUDGE SIREN ASS SHIT RIGHT HERE! Miley Cyrus has a tattoo. It says "Just breathe." Because sometimes she forgets. Literally. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oliver Stone thinks he played Cupid to Shia LaBeouf and his Wall Street 2 co-star, Carey Mulligan. Well, two things here: (1) Shia LaDouche is no longer Shia LaDouche because he's dating Carey Mulligan, who, for the most part, seems like a relatively down lady, but (2) Oliver Stone's way of playing Cupid? Who wouldn't fall in love under the spell of horse-sized 8-Balls? Exactly. Eh, more power to the happy couple. Hopefully they won't end up like a real Wall Street couple and hate each other and become profoundly affected by the sight of the ocean, at which they try to figure out who in their life they would like to throw into it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Julia Roberts is the face of Lancome. Back to that Naomi Campbell at Art Basel article, what year is it aain when Julia Roberts is doing makeup campaigns? This is a weird, weird morning already, and it's not even noon. [NYDN]
  
  
• Wait, so, okay: Rihanna shows up to a club alone and leaves alone. While she's there, her and her girlfriends dance in the VIP area, they don't let any guys get near them, they go to the bathroom together, they get drunk on champers and vodka, and then they leave, while the most popular one amongst them (RiRi) leaves alone. This makes them different than most of a certain clubgoing strata how? It doesn't. Anyway, I hope Rihanna comes out with a good song soon because I don't like talking about her and not having a good song to sing in my head when I talk about her and "Umbrella" and "Run This Town" are kinda old at this point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, also, Chris Brown says Rihanna cried when she heard his song about what an asshole he isn't anymore. She probably cried because he's still trying to attach his press line to her. And because she has to remember dating that assface every time he talks. Rihanna! She's just like every girl in America with an assface ex-boyfriend. [NYDN]
  
  
• Sports Illustrated's Centaursman of the Year, A-Rod, and Sports Illustrated's Most Magical Vagina of the Year, Kate Hudson, are going to the Dominican Republic for Jay-Z's birthday party. They're going to play Pin The Tail on Dame Dash and do that thing in the Big Pimpin' video where they throw bottles of Grey Goose around on everyone except this time Beyonce's going to give Hov this disapproving look like, Oprah's here, behave yourself and Jay-Z's gonna be like, B, I love you, but pause? It's my birthday, and she'll be like, fine, and Jay will shower a bottle of Goose on Oprah. Awesome. Meanwhile, A-Rod will be galloping about with the other Centaurs of the Dominican Republic while Kate Hudson does whatever the wives of centaurs do when their men are out homoerotically cavorting with other half-man-half-horse-peoples. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six headline: "Jen's Night Out Has Sour Ending." Let me guess: she went to bed as Jennifer Aniston? OH COME ON TOO MEAN. You're right. But whatever happened, she didn't get laid, and do you really want to read about that? [Page Si....oh, god, I just started reading. She went out with Courtney Cox to a Self Magazine event. And she got served with legal papers in a basket of flowers as she'll have to testify in a sexual harassment lawsuit for her agent. Her life just sucks sometimes, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway was blown away by Cate Blanchett in "A Streetcar Named Desire," which is currently playing at BAM. Anne Hathaway got tickets, Anne Hathaway, I hate you. [Page Six]
  
  
• George Stephanopoulos and his beard are house-hunting for the new Good Morning America host's house. On the Upper East Side. I know it's so 1998 to still think George Snuffuluffugus is gay but (A) so is looking for a place on the Upper East Side and (B) I do and (C) I'm feeling nostalgic today, so here's some Collective Soul. [Page Six]

Happy Birthday, Jay-Z, even though your birthday was yesterday but apparently your party is tonight. Unfortunately, just like the rest of the world, there will be days when you wake up and the Fat Boys break up and everyone will have a problem with Hov, and you know what? Dirt off the shoulder. Dude, you're 40. Maybe time to start a family, have some kids, induct them into the Roc-La-Familia. Maybe even bring creepy Uncle Dame back into the fold. You can even forgive Beans if he watches the kids. Beans and Freeway! They'll laugh at his funny beard. Anyway. You think Taylor and Taylor will ever go by TayTay? Jay-Z's best friend's name is TyTy. Maybe they can all be friends and talk about how much this Gossip Roundup sucked. Happy Birthday, Jiggaman. Oh, and by the way: the crooks who I first got my blogging start with, Young Manhattanite, who, long story short, have their tentacles (or testicles) in everything you read on the internet, are taking over Deadspin for the day. This includes such people as this site's Former Gawker Mascot Andrew Krucoff, former Idolator (and one-off Gawker Weekend columnist) Maura Johnston, and a few others you might recognize. Do it if you dare.

Hov, this jam's to you:

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• First of all, do you people not know how to shag balls? Learn. Today's lead Page Six story concerns Derek Jeeeeeetah and his lady plaything, Friday Night Lights hotness Minka Kelly (and really, who dates a girl named Minka Kelly but Derek Jeter? Oh, that's right: Tim Riggins...) going on a grand tour of St. Jetersburg, which is what Derek's new Florida house has been dubbed by someone who thinks of funny words to go with gigantic funny houses. Yeah, they went to St. Barts and then Jeter and his parents and Minka took a tour of what's apparently going to be Tampa, Florida's largest house (where Jeter goes for Spring Training). Apparently, Minka thought of how she's going to decorate all the rooms and he thought of which rooms he's going to have sex with Minka Kelly in (answer: all of them, except for the Slug Room). Well, that's quite a distinguishment, to be Tampa, Florida's biggest anything. Also: real romantic, Jeter. A housetour? Nice. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, this is awesome: Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola girl for George Lopez's TBS show. Inevitably, someone will wet their pants over being offended by this. Good! Because there are people who should get offended when they see this picture of Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola. They're assholes. And we need them to make the rest of us look normal. [NYDN]
  
  
• Anna Wintour's daughter, Bee Shaffer, who's taken a job as College Humor found Ricky Van Veen's Girl Friday, is going apartment hunting with the moms. Aw! Except when you go apartment hunting with Ma Wintour, there's no "aw." More like *shudder*. They're looking at places in SoHo and Anna was seen "in stilettos and texting furiously on her BlackBerry." Yeah, aspiring real estate agents, that's a deal you want to be working on. Fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Spreewell! Put a little mustard on those mortgage payments. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, nobody stays in for the holidays anymore, or so goes Page Six's Sociological Theory after spotting Martha Stewart out and about at the Four Seasons for Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no, Martha can cook a bitch like none other, but she saves the weaponry for when people are supposed to be watching. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Fresh Prince of PA-POW! is here: meet Will Smith's kid, The New Karate Kid, who's training to go into Nu-Miyagi-Crane-Kick mode with Jackie Chan. INYOFACE, Cobra Kai. [People]
  
  
• Further evidence of maybe they're right: Alec Baldwin is going to quit acting when his 30 Rock contract ends, he says. When's that? 2012. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, I'm pretty sure Page Six is suggesting Diddy and Jay-Z are gay with this one. Ready? Diddy and Hov kicked it at CV's lounge, which rents out at $5,000 a night, comes with "padded walls" a magnum of champers, a couch, and eight ounces—eight...ounces—of beluga caviar. Right, the gay part isn't the caviar, but who needs eight ounces of beluga caviar? Like, really? Shit isn't that good. Also, isn't caviar so late 90s? Like, gross. Anyway: "There don't seem to be specific rules on what can go on in there, but sources say Diddy and Jay-Z "relaxed and shared a drink while listening to the music." Right, sources. Wouldn't that be funny if Beyonce had to start looking out for Diddy? Related: we don't believe you, you need more people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good god, is this creepy and weird: a bunch of celebrities are being paid to attend this Australian quack doctor's marriage to a 26 year-old American ingenue. The ones Page Six knows about for sure? Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher. Ughghhh. Creepy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ray Allen was going to buy a pair of $1,000 shoes, and then didn't. Thrifty? BALLER STATUS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Want to know what the creepy Amy Fisher people are up to these days? Here: they're involved with boxing matches with Rodney King. Like, when did the political celebrities of yesteryear start networking? Gross? [Page Six]
  
  
• Super supermarket bestseller novelist David Baldacci and John Grisham are homies, and when they get together, they basically just shit books that sell a bajillion copies before they even hit mass market paperback. Most involve lawyers and crime. Most are not as good as The Client. Also, John Grisham, so 90s, right? Like caviar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Security holes! They're all the rage. Literally: Mike Tyson's fight at LAX apparently wasn't captured on camera, thereby exposing a huge security blind spot at one of America's most trafficked airports. Everyone should hire Mike Tyson as a security consultant. Honestly. If I were a robber, and I saw a "This Place Was Secured By Mike Tyson, Who Will Eat Your Babies If You Come Any Closer" sticker, do you think I'd come any closer? Answer: no. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Hoff had a seizure! Noes! Yes. He did. He was not eating a hamburger when it happened. But he's still drunk, often, and they think that might've had something to do with it. He was not rushed to the hospital in slow motion. He's still there. Hopefully, he will get out, and get his shit together. [NYDN]

Okay, how 'bout we just get through today? Don't lie: some of you are excited to get back to the workweek tomorrow. You are probably New Yorkers, you probably work seven days a week, and you are just as fucked up and insane as the rest of us. Anyway! Savor this Sunday! It's yours. Or, if you're like me, just get through it. And still own that shit!

Anyway. Here:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• In Morocco, nobody can hear you scream. Actually, in Morocco, Jennifer Aniston is the biggest thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she was there for a week, and she got into a car with Orlando Bloom, and there was "breathless speculation" about romance. That said, this woman couldn't get into a car with a Clydesdale and a brass instrument without sparking breathless speculation about romance between the three of them. Her vagina must have some kind of magical property to it, or it must be some kind of unspoken Hollywood male birthright: If you don't touch this vagina, you will never be in contention for People's Sexiest Man Alive. Robert Pattinson's at least given her a foot massage. At least. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The Daily News didn't have any good gossip items today, so instead they ran two pages about how Jake Gyllenhaal is a "jack of all trades" or something. They go very out of their way to assure us that him and Reese are definitely dating, and that his two new movies—the melodrama with Natalie Portman about whatever with Tobey Maguire, and Prince of Persia, where he gets to dress in clothing Tom Cruise only dreams about wearing in public—are very different. Sometimes, I just want to knock over the Daily News gossip page. Nothing else, just "knock over." [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• OKAY. OMG. OMG. You can't be serious right now. Crackface Courtney Love ran into DJ Qualls at 1OAK when they were both clubbing on Thanksgiving eve. Qualls and Love ended up making out, and then they went to a strip club together. Yes, you know who DJ Qualls is. This dude. Always ending up in crazypants situations like that, isn't he? Related: JESUS Page Six you are the best. Sometimes, you just make me want to knock over the Daily News gossip pages. Nothing, just "knock over." [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Years of wearing comically oversized stiletto heels that she uses to make the bouncy dog toy otherwise known as her husband David Beckham squeak has left Victoria "Ground Cumin" Beckham in need of foot surgery to remove bunions. Ah, yes, bunions. I can think of nothing sexier for Becks and Posh's image than some bunions. That oughta help. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Somehow, Lindsay Lohan can still afford a dickhead security crew, because there was one ready to erase any pictures the lead singer of Cobra Starship had on his phone after he snapped away at Lohan getting trashed at Hudson Terrace. He was the DJ there, but Lohan's security people could care less. Because, like Lohan, they're clueless assholes. This is how you win back the love of the people, Lohan. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Michael Phelps has dated not one but two Miss California ladypeople. Which is two more Miss California ladypeople than everyone else gets to date. The plot, however, thickens: Phelps dated Carrie Prejean at one point. The entire subtext behind all reporting of this fact is: we hope they made a sex tape. I...can't argue with that sentiment. Also, I hope she didn't suck any of Phelps' brain cells by osmosis. That wouldn't be nice. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Who eats at The Waverly Inn on Thanksgiving? Try Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone on for size. Yeah, these two guys, who do all the movies about the crooks and the psychopaths and the sociopaths, guess where they have dinner on Thanksgiving? Yes, The Waverly Inn. Of course. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• So, J-Lo's sex tape is coming out and before we go any further, am I allowed to submit a name for this? Is Jenny From The Cock too vile? Yes, it kind of is. Okay. We can just go with Gigli. That's not vile. Anyway: J-Lo's sex tape is on its way out and it might involve spanking of some kind. Yeah: spanking. Great. Can you tell how underwhelmed I am by this? Normal celebrity sex tapes are just so passe, nahmean? I want to hear about the DJ Qualls/Courtney Love sex tape. Hear about, not necessarily watch. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• File Under: Happy Families You Never Thought Would Be Happy. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith saw West Side Story with, like, 15 people. And then they had lunch. This is the kind of reporting you won't get from the New York Times (and especially not the Daily News): "Banderas, who had missed breakfast and lunch, ordered two entrees and finished them both." Revelations. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Paris Hilton opened her mouth to talk about what a tomboy she is. Yes, because if there's anything a straight guy loves to do, it's dress in pink, carry around small dogs, and blow Rick Salomon on camera. Paris Hilton, there are tomboys out there who flinch at that distinction. For them: don't. People called this a "style revelation" or something. I want to drill a hole in my face. [People]

Did you guys all have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so. It's good to know that some people, however beleaguered time and time again by the mystical forces of love in the universe, will not back down. Jennifer Aniston, for example. If I'd put the good money on her still making the top of the gossip roundup before there was a gossip roundup, I would've lost it. Anyway: This jam goes out to her, and you all. I hope you bought tons of useless wonderful things yesterday and stimulated our economy and hopefully those useless wonderful things will go to wonderful, resilient people. Like Jennifer Aniston! See how I did that? Neither do I.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

We have no problem with the paparazzi, but there comes a point where a picture is no longer interesting if you've seen one similar a million times. There are a million happenstances of this, but there are the ones that really stood out in our mind.

Sienna Miller Walking Her Dog: As we mentioned, Ms. Miller takes the pooch out for a stroll every day on the streets of New York. We've even seen pics of her picking up his poop. The critter is cute, but we are sick of seeing this. Get Sienna stealing people's husbands instead, she does that about as often. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Gosselins at the Bus Stop: Just like Sienna's dog, the Gosselins have to bring the kids to the bus stop just about every day. It's always a hassle with all the children, their backpacks, and the photographers waiting to pounce. We didn't like taking the bus when we were kids, and we don't want to see it anymore now. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Marc Jacobs in a Skirt: We love that Marc is a little fashion forward and claiming a piece of clothing for the boys that is usually reserved for the women. However, the skirt in and of itself is no longer news if he wears one everyday. It's like calling out Posh Spice for wearing the same frozen alien expression. We've just come to expect it, so it's not exciting. [Images via Getty and Bauer-Griffin]

Britney Spears in a Bikini: Just like Marc, her choice of attire is no longer shocking or titillating, no matter what the shape of her body is. Because she takes lots of vacations and her boys like to go swimming, we get to see her poolside apparel quite frequently. Let us know when she wears a metallic designer one-piece. At least that would be trend news. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber Walking the Family: The couple lives in New York and has two young kids. That means lots of time walking and pushing a stroller. For most Manhattanites (and espeically Brooklynites) seeing a pretty lady with a too-big stroller is about as rare of a sighting as seeing a crazy person on the subway. If we wanted to see this, we'd brunch in Park Slope instead of staying in bed on a Sunday morning. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Lindsay Lohan Shopping: Lindsay Lohan is unhireable. How does she pass the time? She shops. She'll buy anything (except groceries) and she'll spend hours looking for it. She takes friends, family, girlfriends, anyone. She loves to shop. Yawn. The only transaction of hers we want to see caught on film is when she goes to her dealer. Deliver some footage of that and we'll start paying attention. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

• You guys. Don't you just love it when you sit around talking about the good old days, like St. Elmo's Fire, or something, and then something happens to remind you that, you know what, These Are The Days? Something like that happened and it made the front story of Page Six. Who ran crying out of a party? Lindsay Lohan ran crying out of a party. God, I feel 22 again! So: Am I supposed to know who this Courtenay Semel person is? She looks like a broke-ass Brittny Gastineau or something. Actually, I have no idea what the hell she looks like, either, it just sounded right, you know? Anyway. This Court-en-ay person used to be good friends with LiLo and then (Team) Lohan became too fabulous for her and now, they ran into each other at a party at Gastineau's place. Apparently, Court-en-ay (sound it out) just got out of rehab and came back ready to rock out with her fabulous out, or whatever, and she decided to try to help LiLo by giving her some advice on going to rehab in a very public manner. Princess Lipsdsay was not happy about this and cried and left, and all of the Sunlillies in the Kingdom of Hollywood wept a shimmering, single petal, as they do every time Lilo leaves a party that had Jill Zarin, Nicole Murphy and Jamie Foxx at it (Let's be honest, you know Jamie Foxx made a really funny joke about this shit: Blame it on the Bus-prin?). Lohan left to go party with some shipping heir, Starvos The Greek, until 7AM. [Page Six]
  
  
• America's Prettiest Homophobe Carrie Prejean apparently made seven different sex tapes and took lots of nekkid pictures before she was a Crazy Homophobe and went on Larry King and freaked out. Girl, don't you get it? You say some stupid shit and act all proud, like we should care. Then, you try to "take your message" of hate out whatever, fine. But you know the world's gossip pages are run by queens and showtune-loving Jews who would love nothing more than your moral hypocrisy of shame spread prostrate (or in this case, spread eagle) in front of America the Public? You should get Levi Johnston's manager, this Tank character. He may be a crook, but at least he's a crook who knows what he's doing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Twilight fans, you know how much I hate you. Now know how much the directors of the movie hate you: Catherine Hardwick was basically all like, yeah, Rob Patz and K-Stew's romance was a slowwwww burn, baby. Which probably feels like taking a band-aid off very slowly to you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, Daniel Radcliffe, you are the shit, son. Radcliffe denied he smoked weed today after he was pictured on the front page of a British tabloid smoking what appeared to be a paper with some wackiness in it and wearing a, wait for it, "bizarre, comic-looking beard etched on his face." Much like my real one. He claims to be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. Does it matter what he was smoking? He either smokes rollies or he smokes L's, and he was wearing a drawn-on beard on his face. He likes cougars, and the first performance he made on Broadway was a Dirk Diggler moment people shelled out over $100 to see. Also, he's Harry Potter. Could have it worse, you know? [Page Six]
  
  
• Lindsay Price and Josh Randor broke up. Who? One of them is from some Eastwick show the other is a guy from How I Met Yo' Momma. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams: Bootylicious? Apparently, her jelly isn't ready to play tennis these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Shameless Self-Promotion: Jared Leto is the best. [BlackBook]
  
  
• Some dicknose trying to shake down Cindy Crawford is a real piece of shit. Surprised? He also beat his ex-wife a bunch when they were married. [NYDN]
  
  
• And speaking of dicknoses, Jon Gosselin is now claiming to be too famous to be employed. So serious right now. He's filing a lawsuit against TLC saying that they've rendered him unemployable due to the insane media interest on him. Hey, Court of Law, as a member of the media, I can say that Jon Gosselin is the one attempting to draw our interest out, and he's pretty bad at that job, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stripper, to Fergie: "Sorry for sleeping with Josh Duhamel." Kids, to Stripper Mom: "Sleeping with Josh Duhamel < Stripping." [NYDN]
  
  
• Normally, whenever PETA opens their mouths, even if it's for a good cause, you're like OMGSTFU PETA, you guys are being crazy-obnoxious right now and a detriment to your cause. But I have to say, on this one, well played: they're asking US Marshals to donate Ruth Madoff's furs to the homeless to "highlight the difference between need and greed." Like, whoever made that PR play and got it in Page Six, smooth. Take the day off, PETAPerson. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some old guy does it with young chicks, or something. Go get 'em Saturday gossip pages. [Page Six]

And here we are: Saturday, the Saturday of Our Lives. I don't know what that means, but maybe Lindsay Lohan will help us all find out.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Hey there, Michael Lohan. You again? Yes, you again. Apparently, Lohan tried to get money for tapes where one could heard recorded conversations of himself, Dina, and Lindsay. Apparently, they were not worth the $100,000 asking price he wanted for them, because, you know, for one thing, you can get that kind of thing for free. And for another: even the Nixon Tapes didn't go for $100,000, as close as a phone call between Michael and Dina Lohan comes to the Nixon Tapes, I still don't see them going for a cool hundo grand. Naturally, this came with a denial:

  Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that." He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

  But Zombie Radar says Lohan wanted money, they turned him down, and he gave them the tapes for "exposure." So, yes, Michael Lohan taped conversations of himself, Dina, and LiLo, and is trying to sell them for money under the guise of helping his own daughter and thus, his celebrity. If you haven't received it, your Father of the Year: Long Island District trophy is on the way, and you've now made nationals. Keep truckin', Michael. Also, I feel greasy just looking at your picture. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rihanna will not accept your offers of $10,000 bubbly wine, peasant strangers. She only drinks from the kind offerings of the Benevolent Sir Jay-Z, except when Beyonce is around, because Beyonce probably wants you to go away worse than Chris Brown does. Anyway. Rihanna refused a bottle of pricy bubbly from Braylon "I've Made It My Life's Mission To Savagely Fuck Up Foster's Fantasy Season Three Years In A Row" Edwards of the New York Jets because she didn't know who he was. You don't? You should! He's famous. Famously terrible. Also, this last sentence of the item:

  Also at the club was Mickey Rourke entertaining his girlfriend's mother from Russia.

  Wuuhhhhaaaatttt? [Page Six]
  
  

• Now that the revelation that he had one is out there, we've learned: Andre Agassi was absolutely terrified of his hairpiece going "rogue" as the New York Post put it. What does that even mean? It'd root for Pete Sampras? Or it'd start watching Suddenly Susan? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Interview publisher Peter Brant's ex-wife, Stephanie Seymour, is looking hot. And Vanity Fair decided to rub it in his face by doing a photo spread of her, and Page Six took it a step further by writing the item, and I think Interview sucks, so you know, here we are. Peter Brant, your ex-wife is smokin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, there's some British woman named Katherine Jenkins who we're supposed to care about, according to the British Tabloid Press? She's coming to America, I have no idea who she or why this matters. We're looking into whether or not we should give a shit at press time. All other questions can be referred to my publisher. Thank you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does it surprise you that Shawn Wayans is a good dad and makes his kids laugh when they're crying? It does not surprise me. Damon Wayans, on the other hand... [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Wintour said something nice about somebody getting a job and it's in Page Six. Enjoy. Savor, even. [Page Six]
  
  
• Message From Paris, to America: "You suck, you dumb, declasse morons. Also, stop ruining nightlife. Also, Jerry Lewis for President." [Page Six]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker admits in an interview that she loves the smell of wet diapers. Ergo, shit. Which explains working on Sex and the City for so long. [NYDN]
  
  
• Please, Rihanna, please stop talking about how Chris Brown beat you, says Chris Brown. Please Chris Brown, go back to the cave from whence you came and kindly shut the fuck up, says the world. [NYDN]
  
  
• HA. TLC's advertisers were beginning to complain about Jon Gosselin's behavior before they shut down the show. What, stomping around France with the Ed Hardy guy is bad for TLC? They should've just made a show about that and called it something like "Men? Hardly." Whee! [NYDN]
  
  
• America's Sweetest Homophobe Carrie Prejan has a sex tape, and her mother saw it. Karma, hello. [TMZ]
  
  
• TMZ's celebrating their fourth birthday by feeding a bunch of celebrity children Columbian Grade-A Coke and filming them talking about their parents. No, I made that up. Happy 4th Birthday, TMZ! Harvey Levin, you're a charmer. [TMZ]

And...this will be an interesting day. It already is. Wake up, get your dancing shoes on. But stay seated and keep clicking on things. But don't stop #ChairDancing. Seriously! Don't. Learn from Spike Jonze:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

This is silly.

• Complete shriveled dick Joe Jackson wants the Michael Jackson estate to pay him serious bones. He wants over $15,000 a month to keep being given awards and honored for raising a kid who turned out to be Michael Jackson, and by that, I mean, beating the shit out of his kids. Joe Jackson makes Jon Gosselin look like Dr. Spock. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hell hath no fury like a Fergie scorned, as Josh Duhamel's about to find out. He took a stripper back to a hotel room and had a bunch of crazy sex and watched porn and now he's in trouble. IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YO BROKE! ASS! HOME! Sorry, it's the only part of a Fergie song I know. Also, Josh Duhamel: trashy, if not, exhausted dick. [NYDN]
  
  
• Aw. The lead in Page Six today is a curiously warmhearted item about Slumdog Millionaire stars Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel being so completely head-over-heels in Swoondog Swoononaire love. For Page Six on a Saturday, this is some pretty soft, a break from your regularly scheduled gangsta ass shit. Apparently, Pinto and Patel stare deeply into each other's eyes while all these other dudes hit on Pinto. Let's not forget that Pinto left her would-be husband in the middle of filming Slumdog for Dev, but hey, he's the "one and only," or whatever. Honestly, he probably just has a huge schlong, dogg. Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do with this? Seriously. It's Saturday morning. [Page Six]
  
  
• The NYDN has an entire story about how Gisele will always be hotter than anyone even when she's eight months preggers. Until then, New England doesn't give a shit, because they're still salivating at the thought of their Newborn God and Savior, The Littlest Brady, to emerge from her womb in the shotgun formation and stay that way until he joins the Patriots in the 2031 NFL season to lead them to nine more dynasty victories. Meanwhile, I can't wait until they find out he's gay. I've already made the bets with my bookie back home. This kid's gonna come out screaming "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Swear to god. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Williams sisters pulled out of another big tennis match because they're both off making money from tennis without actually having to play it, and it's pissing off their fans. They pulled out of the Federation Cup, which is the Davis Cup for women, which, I have no idea what either of those are. But I do know that Serena's losing more money playing tennis than she's making from it for screaming at those bitchass line judges (and really, who hasn't wanted to scream death threats at those people? Who are those people who grow up to be line judges? What were they like in Kindergarten? Did they cry if you wrote on your desk?). Right? Whatever, Williams Sisters, ignore lame tennis fans. Go forth and make dollahs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino invited dickfore Jon Gosselin out to his wedding in Hawaii, because when you lose the World Series to the best team in America, you know what you do, right? You call Jon Gosselin to come to your wedding in Hawaii. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ms. England beat the shit out of Ms. Manchester over some muscle-bound Broregard because both girls want him, which is funny. Because he looks like this: [NYDN] Also see: Semenya, Caster. Penis joke not needed.
  
  
• Some prisoner wrote somebody a letter—TMZ, I guess—and he's saying wacky things like how he impregnated Octomom and Kate Gosselin and how he sued Black History Month and how Jon Gosselin is a woman on steroids. We've done our investigation work and unless he has a big dick or is the biggest dick in the world (not true, see above), only one of these three statements can possibly be true. [TMZ]
  
  
• A Yankee co-owner, James Nederlander—who also has his named adorning the theater where Rent made a bunch of AIDS jokes for ten years—lost his ring in a parking lot and a "hard hat with a heart" returned it to the 203 year-old Nederlander. In return, the ring returner was promised some of the best seats in Yankee Stadium next season, but as for his other request for a bigger bat, Nederlander had to let him down that he hasn't lived in that oil lamp for at least thirty years now, and hey, I was talking about one of these, okay? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh. Ho. Ho. What do we have here? Our sister site, [NSFW, but like you didn't already know that] Fleshbot, is having a porny little award show for their dirty site at The Box on Wednesday night. And guess who's going to be there? None other than Levi "Almost Famous" Johnston. He's being honored as a "crossover star," but really, everyone's just trying to get a glimpse of his dick before it hits newsstands. In other news, this week's Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup has overdosed on the wang. Can we all step off for a moment, here? [Page Six]
  
  
• Adam Durtiz was told by a bar in Savannah when he'd showed up with new girlfriend Emmy Rossum that he'd arrived too late to perform karaoke for the crowd in front of him, and that he'd have to come back another night. So, a karaoke bar turned down the only opportunity they'll ever have - ever - for a performance of "Mr. Jones," "A Long December," or another other Counting Crows song to be palatable under their roof. Shame, shame, shame. Related: Emmy Rossum is with Adam Duritz. You know where this is going. He probably has a huge donger. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's tigers are being taken care of by Tippi Hedren. I hope she's not trying to touch their penises. [NYDN]
  
  
• Are you kidding me? You're Nick Swisher and you just won the World Series. Jeter, A-Rod, Sabathia, Posada all went to 1Oak. You go to Brother Jimmy's in Murray Hill? You should be taken out of the rotation for the first ten games of next season for that. Seriously. Jesus. Sopranos fuckup Robert Iler was there pouring shots of Paaaaatroooooonnnnn behind the bar for Swisher and Lance Bass. The only funny about dicks here is that Brother Jimmy's is almost always consistantly, unanimously filled with them. [NYP]
  
  
• Haha. King Bloomberg got booed at City Hall when he was congratulated on winning a third term, so he kept his speech short. More importantly: does a guy who runs for three terms have a big wang (swingin' dick complex) or is he in need of compensation by Extenze'ing his reign. Or does he just have balls? Or! Is he just an asshole? This is one of the few cases when "All of the Above" is an acceptable answer. [Page Six]
  
  
• Holy shit. Is Paula Abdul back with Arsenio Hall? Can she even pronounce his name, still? You know what movie they met on, right? Royal penis, etc, etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• D! M! X! Lots of barking, that guy. But: big bark, no bite. Well, at least not since his second album, but really not after rap fans find out that he was going to be in a boxing match only if he could have the fight fixed in his name. This would be commonly referred to as a "dickless" notion. [TMZ]

This one goes out to sister Ferg. Don't worry honey; they're all dicks, but the consolation is that there are plenty to choose from. Happy Saturday, guys!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• BFFs Lindsay and Dina Lohan are strikin' out! Against Dina's drunk, trashy, hot mess of an ex-husband, Michael Lohan. Mostly for contravening house style of keeping the "hot" in Hot Mess as dictated by the Lohan Family Tradition. Oh, also, he's Lindsay's father, have you heard? If you've met him, he's probably told you. And told you. And told you. In fact, that's what Dina's taking issue with. Besides the fact that he wants to make what more or less amounts to a citizen's arrest of his daughter and cart her off to rehab, he's gone off the reservation when it comes to television appearances. And by "off the reservation" I mean "Dina's not seeing any of the cash from them." Or anything else, supposedly. She went and screamed at Page Six. I'm sure Neel enjoyed this call:

  "He is hurting Lindsay. It breaks my heart. She's like, 'Mommy, when is he ever going to stop?' " Dina said. "He is also six months behind in his child support. On Monday, we will file a violation order, and if he doesn't pay, he'll go to jail. "He's getting paid for these shows he's doing talking about Lindsay," Dina said. "He's flying all over the country and not paying for his other three children he's hurting every time he goes on television. "It is horrific that a father could do this. We are afraid he's spiraling out of control. [Daughter] Ali is scared and will be getting an order of protection. Lindsay is getting an order in California and in New York. "He's desperate, he's running out of options because none of his children is talking to him. Doors are closing for him, and he's getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We're scared. "But I believe in karma, and his leash is getting tighter," Dina said. "He just needs to zip his mouth."

  Yes, because the swirling, chaotic forces of the universe that dictate what karma goes where gives a shit about the Lohan family. For one thing, they've already moved on to the Kushner-Trumps. For another, Doors are closing for him, and he's getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We're scared. is also, incidentally, what's Lindsay's team at CAA keep saying about her career. And why's Dina Lohan asking Michael for child support? Because they need it? Or because she just needs something ridiculous to hold against him? Trying to hold delinquency on child support payments over Michael Lohan's head is like holding Kim Jong-Il's strange table manners against him: you couldn't find anything better? Anyway, Lohan Ladies: keep on fiercing on, I guess. Also, I have no idea what that headline means. [Page Six]
  
  

• You know who Karma will be a complete dick to, however? Rudy Giuliani. Does anybody remember that time three weeks ago when Rudy made security remove a young couple from their seats at Yankee Stadium to make way for the First Asshole of New York and his moll, Judith? I do. And so do the swirling forces of karma, Rudy. Guess who bumped you from your seats last night because (A) she knows what an asshole you are, (B) has more power than you, and (C) probably did it just because she could? Go get 'em, Michelle. Even better: she didn't show up in the seats because of the rain. Like an actual Yankees fan! How authentic. [Page Six]
  
  
• Andre Agassi. More startling revelation: Meth, or WIG? [Page Six]
  
  
• Haha, Jon Gosselin's just as big an asshole today as he was yesterday, with the revelation from Hailey Glassman that he used to throw "mantrums." People has a conspiracy theory on how she wasn't dumped, or something. [People]
  
  
• UGH. The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip suckfest known as Rush & Molloy have yet again fucked the dog by boring me to zzzzzzz's on Sunday morning. This time, they set their moose-and-squirrel sights on Sarah Palin muckracker Joe McGinniss' new book, which basically says "Todd and Sarah won't get divorced, but if they do, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this and find out." Congratulations, dude. You just gave your book the shittiest piece of press I've ever seen. Meanwhile, Rush & Molloy, you guys are still the worst. Step up your game, please, for the love of god. [NYDN]
  
  
• Damn. GQ knows how to get down...exactly how their readers would dream of doing so. At their party the other night, Mark Wahlberg shlubbed-out by showing up in sweatpants. Also, Kid Cudi inquired about the color of a woman's vagina. She responded: "Pink." Is this like asking someone which way their flag flies, or something? Do not get. Pause. I didn't know what a complicated question this was until now. Also, and I say this as a straight man: Gross? This is not a hangover-queasy-friendly item. Related: obligatory Kid Cudi-reference jam goes here. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's some item about some charity thing with kids and whatever, but LOOK. It's Clint Eastwood's daughter. ["Million Dollar Baby" euthanasia joke, TK TK.] Seriously. She might be the only 16 year-old in Hollywood with a thousand-yard stare ("THANKS, DAD.") I wonder if she asks her hookups if they're feeling lucky. Punk. I can't imagine teenage boys being able to date her. Fuck, I'm intimidated by her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carly Simon's been in a very special relationship, one where time brings both parties closer together, instead of doing like it normally does and pulling them apart: with weed, man. No joke. Carly didn't used to do it back in the day when EVERYONE smoked the kindbud, but now, that type of shit happens ev-er-y-day. I bet you think this bong is about you, don't you? [Page Six]
  
  
• Former Knicks player Stephon Marbury was nice enough to sign some autographs outside of one, but found himself too scared to go inside a haunted house. Besides the fact that Page Six is basically calling Marbury a pussy (the lame-unless-you-get-it headline: "Scaredy Cat"), this would also explain why he can't get messy in the key. Because he's a girlyman. [Page Six]
  
  
• The owner of the Dodgers and his wife are getting divorced, and like almost every other divorce in LA, it's messy and nasty and mean. Billionaires: they're just like us. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, here's a weird one: Mick Jones—yeah, that one: from Foreigner—has a son who's modeling for Roc-A-Wear and working on an album with Scott Storch. What's more amazing: that Mick Jones' kid is dropping an album with Scott Storch, or that Scott Storch is still getting work? [Page Six]
  
  
• Colin Farrell had a baby! It was born with a beanie on its head, like so. Mazel. [NYDN]
  
  
• "Is Page Six to be blamed for the worldwide fame of Andy Warhol?" asks Page Six in the lede to an item about a new book on Warhol. Even if it's true, I think it's safe to say that the "blame" for Andy Wharhol can be offset by any number of New York Peoplethings you've hoisted on our brains. You're "forgiven." [Page Six]
  
  
• Dennis Hopper has prostate cancer. This is sad and scary because Hopper's what my grandmother would call a "tough old bird," and she'd be right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six has a sighting of an NYU law professor buying a pen. No, I'm serious. Look. In other news, I was just reported puking out all the water I drank this morning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Nic Cage's financial adviser screwed him for money. If Nic Cage can't trust his moneyman, who can? [People]

Are vampires dead, yet? Did you enjoy your extra hour of life? Here's a song about how it's going to waste away unless you do something with it! Like reading us, today! And look, I'm only half an hour late! Altarcation's coming at you at 2:30. At 3:30, we're interviewing Harvard's Nieman Journalism Lab! And a special report from the Vice Party, coming up. Happy November!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]