• First of all, do you people not know how to shag balls? Learn. Today's lead Page Six story concerns Derek Jeeeeeetah and his lady plaything, Friday Night Lights hotness Minka Kelly (and really, who dates a girl named Minka Kelly but Derek Jeter? Oh, that's right: Tim Riggins...) going on a grand tour of St. Jetersburg, which is what Derek's new Florida house has been dubbed by someone who thinks of funny words to go with gigantic funny houses. Yeah, they went to St. Barts and then Jeter and his parents and Minka took a tour of what's apparently going to be Tampa, Florida's largest house (where Jeter goes for Spring Training). Apparently, Minka thought of how she's going to decorate all the rooms and he thought of which rooms he's going to have sex with Minka Kelly in (answer: all of them, except for the Slug Room). Well, that's quite a distinguishment, to be Tampa, Florida's biggest anything. Also: real romantic, Jeter. A housetour? Nice. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, this is awesome: Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola girl for George Lopez's TBS show. Inevitably, someone will wet their pants over being offended by this. Good! Because there are people who should get offended when they see this picture of Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola. They're assholes. And we need them to make the rest of us look normal. [NYDN]
  
  
• Anna Wintour's daughter, Bee Shaffer, who's taken a job as College Humor found Ricky Van Veen's Girl Friday, is going apartment hunting with the moms. Aw! Except when you go apartment hunting with Ma Wintour, there's no "aw." More like *shudder*. They're looking at places in SoHo and Anna was seen "in stilettos and texting furiously on her BlackBerry." Yeah, aspiring real estate agents, that's a deal you want to be working on. Fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Spreewell! Put a little mustard on those mortgage payments. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, nobody stays in for the holidays anymore, or so goes Page Six's Sociological Theory after spotting Martha Stewart out and about at the Four Seasons for Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no, Martha can cook a bitch like none other, but she saves the weaponry for when people are supposed to be watching. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Fresh Prince of PA-POW! is here: meet Will Smith's kid, The New Karate Kid, who's training to go into Nu-Miyagi-Crane-Kick mode with Jackie Chan. INYOFACE, Cobra Kai. [People]
  
  
• Further evidence of maybe they're right: Alec Baldwin is going to quit acting when his 30 Rock contract ends, he says. When's that? 2012. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, I'm pretty sure Page Six is suggesting Diddy and Jay-Z are gay with this one. Ready? Diddy and Hov kicked it at CV's lounge, which rents out at $5,000 a night, comes with "padded walls" a magnum of champers, a couch, and eight ounces—eight...ounces—of beluga caviar. Right, the gay part isn't the caviar, but who needs eight ounces of beluga caviar? Like, really? Shit isn't that good. Also, isn't caviar so late 90s? Like, gross. Anyway: "There don't seem to be specific rules on what can go on in there, but sources say Diddy and Jay-Z "relaxed and shared a drink while listening to the music." Right, sources. Wouldn't that be funny if Beyonce had to start looking out for Diddy? Related: we don't believe you, you need more people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good god, is this creepy and weird: a bunch of celebrities are being paid to attend this Australian quack doctor's marriage to a 26 year-old American ingenue. The ones Page Six knows about for sure? Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher. Ughghhh. Creepy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ray Allen was going to buy a pair of $1,000 shoes, and then didn't. Thrifty? BALLER STATUS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Want to know what the creepy Amy Fisher people are up to these days? Here: they're involved with boxing matches with Rodney King. Like, when did the political celebrities of yesteryear start networking? Gross? [Page Six]
  
  
• Super supermarket bestseller novelist David Baldacci and John Grisham are homies, and when they get together, they basically just shit books that sell a bajillion copies before they even hit mass market paperback. Most involve lawyers and crime. Most are not as good as The Client. Also, John Grisham, so 90s, right? Like caviar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Security holes! They're all the rage. Literally: Mike Tyson's fight at LAX apparently wasn't captured on camera, thereby exposing a huge security blind spot at one of America's most trafficked airports. Everyone should hire Mike Tyson as a security consultant. Honestly. If I were a robber, and I saw a "This Place Was Secured By Mike Tyson, Who Will Eat Your Babies If You Come Any Closer" sticker, do you think I'd come any closer? Answer: no. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Hoff had a seizure! Noes! Yes. He did. He was not eating a hamburger when it happened. But he's still drunk, often, and they think that might've had something to do with it. He was not rushed to the hospital in slow motion. He's still there. Hopefully, he will get out, and get his shit together. [NYDN]

Okay, how 'bout we just get through today? Don't lie: some of you are excited to get back to the workweek tomorrow. You are probably New Yorkers, you probably work seven days a week, and you are just as fucked up and insane as the rest of us. Anyway! Savor this Sunday! It's yours. Or, if you're like me, just get through it. And still own that shit!

Anyway. Here:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Remember in The September Issue how Shaffer made a big deal about how she didn't want to work at a fashion magazine? Well, now she's not working in fashion, nor is she working at a magazine. Actually, the frat boys at College Humor are about as far from the socialites of Vogue as Shaffer could get. Maybe this is just a phase, like the time when we painted our nails all black and decided to become a vegetarian. It must be, because the Columbia Graduate was looking for a job in theater, but that mustn't have pissed mommy off enough. Hope fetching Van Veen's coffee is worth it!

We're now told the girl on the left is Lilly Burns, daughter of Ken. So imagine this panning over and zooming in on this photo while Morgan Freeman talks over it. [Ed. She's never heard that one before.]

Also, any ideas for captions in comments. The winner gets theirs up and possibly a sparkly chicken outfit. No promises.

She's had plenty of frowns lately. McKinsey is about to run rampant making cuts at Condé Nast, her imaginary boyfriend Roger Federer lost the U.S. Open because she had to go to the Marc Jacobs show, her daughter is a hobo, Grace Coddington totally upstaged her in in The September Issue, and no one spent any money during her faux charity event Fashion's Night Out. Even through adversity, she has turned those frowns upside down. Maybe the last affront of her Make-People-Like-Me Tour 2009 is to smile? Next thing you know, she'll be getting a new haircut!

The Picture Face:
Why It Happened: This is her slight smirk employed when she deigns to grant permission to have her photo taken. It is the gold standard by which all candid smile shots should be judged.
Wattage: 10

The This Jacket Is Made from 100,000 Tiny Snakes Smile
Why It Happened: When in the front row at Proenza Schouler, Anna realizes that her outfit caused the death of a legion of small helpless creatures. Also, proximity to daughter Bee Shaffer and her girl crush Rachel McAdams.
Wattage: 30

The Me Likey Smile
Why It Happened: Oscar de la Renta's wares put Anna into a fashion-based frenzy, and she has a flashback to her younger days as a nightclub trolling hipster.
Wattage: 60

The Touch of a Man Smile
Why It Happened: Designer Narcisco Rodriguez placed his warm hand on her cold flesh.
Wattage: 40

The Tell Me More Smile
Why It Happened: We originally thought this was a call from imaginary boyfriend Roger Federer, but it happened during the Marc Jacobs show, where she was causing him to lose. But, no, it is a call from Luca Brasi, telling her that something very bad has befallen the head of McKinsey. Also aided by the caffeine rush from her beloved Starbucks.
Wattage: 50

The Chip off the Old Block Smile:
Why It Happened: Bee Shaffer just called someone fat.
Wattage: 80

The Schadenfreude Smile:
Why It Happened: You would think she was happy to see frenemy Charlize Theron at the U.S. Open. No. She's just giddy because, judging by the look on Theron boyfriend Stuart Townsend's face, someone just screwed up on the court.
Wattage: 70

The Fresh Meat Cackle:
Why It Happened: The Wicked Witch of the Twelfth Floor lets loose a terror-inducing noise when she thinks of the hell she is going to put young designer Jason Wu through.
Wattage: 100

Sure, mama could probably get her some sweet gig in fashion but what is Bee Shaffer, just some rich mama's girl out to waste her life in a field that doesn't have real world impact? No. She wants to be in theater. And apparently Anna Wintour's name means nothing in the competitive field of theater, because, why would it, right? From Gatecrasher:

In fact, the 22-year-old former Teen Vogue contributing editor went on a staggering 24 interviews since graduating from Columbia in May - all of them unsuccessful.

Uh, think we've nailed down the problem here, "Bee" "Shaffer"-Wintour: if you worked at Teen Vogue, you have obviously seen Twilight.

But that's not your only problem. Your other, main problem is you don't name-drop enough. What's wrong with you, crazy girl? We have a Gawker internship with your name ("Anna Wintour's daughter") on it.
[Pic: Getty]

• Anna Wintour's daughter Bee Shaffer, the aspiring journalist, is graduating from Columbia in May and is "really nervous about the fact nobody's hiring right now." If she gets desperate she could take one of those awful personal assistant jobs working for a magazine editor. (She won't get desperate.) [NYM]
• Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are said divorcing after planeloads of drugs and "gross" sex games that can't even be described in News Of The World. [News Of The World]
• The Catholic Church forgave John Lennon for saying the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus" and that "Christianity will go." It now finds his songs totally groovy and far out! [Sunday Times]
• TV chef Gordon Ramsay's purported seven-year mistress literally wrote the book on how to have an affair, and even appeared on Oprah to discuss it. Their latest tryst involved "three bottles of legal sex drugs." [Mail]
• Jon Peters, the film producer, faces jail time after allegedly failing to do community service work in connection with DUI charges. So he invited a dozen kids from the community-service program to his ranch, and for some reason the cops had to be called, and now no one's saying anything. [P6]
• After trying to argue that $7 million from a Bahrain sheik was a gift, Michael Jackson has wisely opted to settle out of court. [E!]

Surely sweet young Bee did not intend to mock J. Lo. She would be unconcerned that the Lopez dress picture was taken during a photoshoot for Elle, Hachette's nominal Vogue competitor. But who would put such machinations past her mom, the likely source of the garment?

The Shaffer dress photo has been yanked from Facebook, but perhaps it was meant to be found and leaked! THINK ABOUT IT.

(Photo by WENN)

And with her senior year about to begin, an internship of some sort seems highly likely in the near future. Perhaps she could help her mom make better choices about covers.

(Photos via Josie Duffy)

Dr. Peter Jensen is suing Columbia for wrongful termination, alleging that Shaffer, his one-time "long-distance mentor," began a campaign against him as soon as he arrived at the school in 1999.

According to the New York Sun, the suit alleges that Il Principe Shaffer told colleagues one of his continuing goals before retirement was to "get rid of Jensen."

Shaffer, 71, who is, you know, estranged, from Wintour (is anyone not?), founded "TeenScreen," an organization devoted to pre-screening adolescents for suicidal tendencies. TeenScreen officials have apparently admitted there is no evidence their program actually prevents or predicts suicide. But! It sure does cull the weak from the herd! At least Shaffer's consistently cutthroat—why are he and his ex-wife estranged again? Seems like they're just absolutely made for each other!

Bee suggests:

Stay-at-Home Mom—Bliss Spa is now pampering in six cities, meaning even non-New York moms can de-clog, de-stress, and take delight in relaxation. Try the new steep clean body polish ($115).
Socialite Mom—The new musical Grey Gardens chronicles the lives of two of America's most famous socialites, Edith Bouvier Beale and her daughter, "little Edie." Surprise mom with the cult-classic documentary that inspired the show ($31.99).
Working Mom—The Panama Diary from Smythson is a functional and stylish datebook, made of crocodile and calf leather, and available in a variety of fun colors like fuschia and emerald. Now mom won't ever forget to send care packages during reading week. Available at 4 W. 57th St. or online at www.smythson.com ($170).

But Grey Gardens? Why, that's the true story of a young socialite who returns to her depressed mother's estate in the Hamptons to care for her in seclusion, for years. Interesting choice for your mom, no?

And we couldn't help but notice how Bee describes the Panama Diary: "Now mom won't ever forget to send care packages during reading week." We're no psychoanalysts, but it seems that Bee might have some Mommy issues. Just, you know, sayin'.

Holiday Gift Guide [The Eye]
'Vogue' Editor Is Surely Fascinating [Cindy Adams]

In an ideal world, these much-sought-after internships would entail valuable work experience, rather than the reality of fetching coffee, arranging messengers and sending faxes.

Is it hard to get an internship?

The actual process of acquiring an internship has become one of the most common forms of nepotism, with parents relentlessly calling in favours from friends (I must admit to abusing a few connections myself), while hard-working, intelligent and deserving students are frequently turned away so that some eminent person's daughter can have the job.

Have you had to do anything difficult or demeaning?

I... had to run around NY to find hand-towels for my boss and fetch the umbrella he had left at a restaurant the night before, and they wouldn't even pay my subway fare!

But, surely, you must have an example of a positive intern experience?

[M]y best friend, Tess, is working at Vogue and she told me one of the most important things she l learnt this summer was how to walk in heels. However, she's not complaining, adding that it's fun to get dressed up for work every morning. And she has discovered the office secret: keeping a pair of flats under your desk. Manolos are only necessary when the boss is around.

And that's where we're gonna end it. If you want to hear more about the plight of the poor intern, please read the whole column from which these answers came. It was written by champion of the underclass, uh, Bee Shaffer.

New York notebook [Telegraph]