• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Maybe Van Veen has been spending too much time with his purported bestie Ben Silverman, the former NBC executive who takes credit for the likes of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and Weakest Link. Because we can't imagine Van Veen's media sugar daddy Barry Diller envisioned this sort of thing when he funded Van Veen's studio, Notional, four months ago. It's such a retro format for a "multi platform" studio that's supposed to be inventing the future. Here's some of what's slated:

• "READY, SET, DANCE!: In partnership with a major production entity, "Ready, Set, Dance!" is a first-of-its-kind dance competition series that seamlessly combines the web and television."
• "YOU VS. AMERICA: Currently in development, 'You vs. America' is a ground-breaking game show that innovatively combines the immediacy of the internet with the excitement of a network primetime television game show."
• "CHASE THE MONEY: "Chase the Money" is an epic scale reality game show that combines the pratfalls of a classic prank show with the simplicity of a child's game of 'Tag'."
• "LOVE TAXI: The dating show that takes place entirely in a taxicab. "

Actually, now that we think about it, the dancing one was probably Barry "Twinkle Toes" Diller's idea in the first place.

(Pic: Van Veen, by Zach Klein)

Ad Age reports (via) that Silverman might take over CollegeHumor at the behest of Barry Diller, who bankrolls both CollegeHumor and Silverman's new online venture. Van Veen, meanwhile. is transitioning out of CollegeHumor and into his own Diller-funded media startup, Notional, which sounds a lot like Silverman's Electus (both have something to do with online video production).

We're told Silverman and Van Veen have been working very closely together and talking to each other every day. Perhaps a grander merger is in the works that would combine Electus, Notional and CollegeHumor into one venture. Silverman may have been ousted from old media, but he could still be lord of the new media flies. Especially within a venture that actually celebrates a refusal to mature, an inability to grow emotionally and a proclivity for partying to excess. Those are Ben Silverman's specialties, right there.

(Pics: via Getty, Webbyist)

Taking over Ben Silverman's suicidal command structure, Gaspin has years of interviews ahead of him in which he pleads with the public to believe that, no, we really don't want to die, even as he attempts to pilot his way through a debris field of leftover decisions which continue to suggest that's exactly what NBC wants to do.

In an interview with The Wrap, Gaspin was forced to plead that, yes, NBC really does want good ratings; no, bad ratings are not our goal. As amazing as it may sound that a network chief would need to clarify such things, his predecessor actually made a point of publicly declaring that he was "managing for margin, not for ratings", i.e. keeping costs low was more important than keeping ratings high.

Citing development deals with JJ Abrams and Jerry Bruckheimer he said in the interview, while denying that the recent cancellation of Southland meant that NBC was getting out of the drama business:

"I have been going around town and talking to agencies and talking to producers and trying to make myself visible to say that, while we think we need to produce economically, the goal is not to manage for margins," Gaspin told TheWrap. "It is to put the best possible programs we can on the air."

And while NBC's overall programming budget may have shrunk, "Our development dollars have not changed one bit from five years ago, even though we have many less hours to develop for," Gaspin said. "Our goal is to produce good shows that get whatever's considered good ratings today."

But while the new corporate strategy may be to actually attract viewers, the network is still saddled with an hour of programming every night which threatens to turn their ratings profile into something that Lifetime and Current would flee like a vampire from a crucifix.

In the latest round of stats, NBC's avant-garde experiment, The Jay Leno Show has fallen behind cable programming in viewership among the all important 18 - 49 year old demographic. As Movieline points out, on this Tuesday night Leno was murdered in the demo by FX's Son's of Anarchy, which drew a 2.0 rating to Leno's brutal 1.8.

As long as you are sitting on that little toxic waste dump, maybe saying that you're trying for low ratings isn't such a bad idea after all?

Other than his professional failures—taking big, sloppy risks and never learning from his mistakes—there were myriad personality "quirks" that just didn't bode well for a long network career in these depressed, skittish times.

First off, he was always saying dumb things. Like the time he called striking writers who refused to participate in the meaningless Golden Globes ugly nerds who were trying to ruin the cool kids' prom. Or when he basically admitted that he thinks he's the funnest guy he knows. Or hows about that time he called a bunch of his colleagues "D-Girls", the Hollywood equivalent of calling them ineffectual pussies. And who can forget when he declared himself "the perfect storm for making a television executive." (Very destructive storm being an unwittingly apt metaphor, Ben!) That he said whatever he wanted was brave! But it was also dumb.

There was also the youthfully irksome "rockstar" shtick. Silverman's partying has been called "voracious." Because, you know, he came to NBC from the relatively devil-may-care enclaves of producerdom. Those stuffy NBC suits just couldn't handle his wildin'! Wildin' like rescheduling morning meetings to the more hangover-friendly afternoon and hugging executives and signing emails, drunkenly probably, "Love U!" Or maybe they couldn't handle his gangsta freestyle? Likely, though, it was that Ben never showed up for work. He was too busy yachting and yukking it up (flirting?) with Ryan Seacrest.

Basically if you're curious about what it takes to rise from nothing, find fleeting fame and fortune, then collapse and vanish under the weight of your own expectations, just start here and keep on reading. It reads like pretty much any overly-cocky post-college narrative, only with a bunch more money involved.

He gave us so much to write about! And now, like dreams abruptly ended by alarm clocks, it's gone.

Mostly it's bad, embarrassing news for Silverman, who was heralded back in 2007 as the coming of a new era. And for a time, he delivered. His departure is being spun as a resignation, but it looks a lot like Silverman was pushed. His two-year contract recently expired and the gig that he has lined up — running something for Barry Diller's IAC — sounds like deal slapped together in a hurry. As Diller vaguely describes it, Silverman will "create a truly integrated and truly interactive new media production entity, a next generation enterprise that bridges the gap between traditional television and the internet."

While at NBC, Silverman had a few successes watching The Office (which his old shingle Reveille sold to the network before he joined) develop into a critical and moderate ratings success.

But everything else? Yeck. None of the big hour-long programs that rolled out under Silverman's watch made much of an impact. Not Heroes (though, admittedly, that was developed before Silverman took over), not Knight Rider, not Southland, not Chuck, not My Own Worst Enemy. Plus the buzzed-about comedy Kath & Kim proved a complete disaster and old warhorses like Law & Order: SVU seemed to be graying around the edges.

Really this is just a story of a daring move—hire the cockeyed optimist kid to shake up creaky network TV—that sadly didn't pan out. It's not HBO, guys. It's TV.

The meeting—with White House advisers but not, mercifully, Obama himself—was ostensibly about "soliciting ideas for selling [Obama's] public service message." But because Silverman is unctuous and gross, it was really about getting press, and the appearance of a White House impramatur, for The Philanthropist, which Silverman bought without seeing a pilot and which the Miami Herald's Glenn Garvin says "may be worst show ever."

Silverman went to the White House with The Philanthropist's producer Tom Fontana and its star James Purefoy. Because he exactly the kind of guy who would call you from the White House to say "Dude, guess where I am right now!", he called Cindy Adams to say, "Dude, guess where I am right now!":

From his cellphone in the White House East Reception Room, Silverman told me:

"We're responding to Obama's request to bring the entertainment industry into White House initiatives."

Which, basically, means what?

"Nixon established an Office of Public Liaison. Such public engagement now will help the president's outreach to Hollywood to spread his message of science, education, math, technology, engineering and public service. We're committed to getting young people engaged, and our new summer drama will encompass these story lines."

Yes, that's right, The Philanthropist is "encompassing" the White House's "story lines."

Ben Silverman is an awful person who makes shitty TV and is about to get fired by Jeff Zucker, an even worse person who also makes shitty TV. Barack Obama's White House was supposed to be all about Camelot Revisited, with poets and philosophers roaming the halls and dancing with one another to jazz and wearing tuxedos. The man who staked his network on trying to hire Rod Blagojevich to hang out with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is an obscene intrusion into that noble vision. Now he's probably running around talking about "my friend Barry Obama" and pitching the White House on Michelle Obama doing a "Now You Know" PSA—maybe about organic food? We could partner with Whole Foods!

Mr. President, this man is beneath you. Let him, and all his awful television shows, go away quietly.

As the story goes: Heidi and Spencer got down there, and hated it, and quit the show. Twice.

So much of the story that ensues - the premise of the show, the extent of the Pratts' involvement, whether or not Heidi sustained any kind of injuries or sickness, the entire dimension in which it takes place! - could be or probably is utter and complete bullshit. Take, for example, a statement obtained by E! via one Mr. Paul Telegdy:

Last week, NBC exec Paul Telegdy said the "insincere, lazy, entitled" Pratts had to endure a stint in "isolation" before producers would decide the twosome's fate on Monday's show, vowing that the Pratts "really are going to bare their souls."

About this Telegdy fellow: he works under Ben Silverman at NBC, heading up reality programming. Our source explains that Telegdy was the one who recruited the Pratts for the show, capitalizing on their desire to transition from cable stars to network television properties. Telegdy - a British, former BBC exec, to paint the picture - had to fly down to Costa Rica himself to convince the Pratts to stay on the show after they realized that (1) the other celebrities sucked, (2) they'd actually have to do the stunts (eating bugs, etc) and (3) they wanted more money to do it. They walked off the set, and Telegdy came in and negotiated a higher salary for the Pratts to hang in there. They still weren't happy.

Meanwhile in LA, Ben Silverman has to cancel the season's first strategy meeting on Thursday with all the new showrunners, creative executives, and producers citing Telegdy's absence, creating a bit of a mess back at a somewhat troubled, fourth-place NBC.

You know what happens next: they're back on the show, and all of the sudden, Heidi gets "rushed" to the hospital last night. Spencer Pratt Twitters: "locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water."

TMZ notes that it was no more than ten hours, with food, and water. Furthermore, there were medics on the scene, the entire thing was filmed, they're full of shit.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.And just this evening: "Spencer and Heidi Pratt quit the show last Monday, and stayed in hotels for three days." Nice. This is presumably while Telegdy was negotiating their new salary. Also: "They were indoors at all times protected from the elements, even though other cast members have been sleeping outside in daily thunderstorms." Their kicker, however, is brilliant: "Spencer says it's all BS ... they were effectively tortured and he's planning on suing NBC."

So, what's the upshot of all this?

The publicity's a win-win: Speidi will take whatever attention they can get, if that hasn't been made obvious enough. NBC got their show publicized for free by a huge news cycle.

Telegdy will probably be seen as an absolute genius for making this work if the ratings for the show prove his worth. If they don't, he'll be to blame for the entire thing away, Pratt mess or no mess. His employers are only interested in numbers. Silverman's going to be judged on the same criteria as Telegdy. But the Pratts?

Who would want to work with them in Hollywood ever again? If this is all true: they took a set hostage, they fucked up meetings, timetables, production schedules, and tried to pin what sounds like absolute bullshit on their producers. In a just world, nobody. But they're probably going to get a feature in the next month or two, because that's the way this all works.

Really, the only losers in this thing are us. It's so hard to discern what's bullshit and what isn't in regards to reality show "stars" and their happenings, their product, and their image, that - rather than go through the complicated process of sifting out what's real and what isn't - it's easier to just accept all of this as an ultimate blurring of truth and fiction and get over our hangups in discerning the difference.

Maybe Heidi Pratt is sick, maybe she isn't. But the next time you read something about Heidi falling into a volcano on the set of Celebrity Bounty Hunter: Xtreme Edition, you'd probably just do best to ignore it, lest your head hurt any more than it does now.

Seems that some Dallas woman named Mia Washington was fucking around on her husband, then she gave birth to twin boys, and she just happened to notice that the two kids looked nothing alike, so she went to the doctor, which, in retrospect, may have been a bit of a mistake. Reports Fox News:

Paternity tests then revealed what had happened - two eggs had been fertilized by two different sperm and there was a 99.99% chance the twins had different dads.

Doctors at the DNA lab in Dallas, Texas had never seen such a result.

(Mia) Washington later admitted she had had an affair and got pregnant by two different men at the same time.

Well ain't that some shitty-ass luck?! Apparently this sort of happening is quite rare, but entirely possible! They even have a term for it—-"heteropaternal superfecundation."

Now the burning question in all of this is how in God's name has the entertainment business not yet built some sort of story around this "condition?" It sounds like a perfect plot for an Horton Foote play! Better yet, somebody get NBC's Fratboy King Ben Silverman on the phone stat, because this has got "hit reality show" written all over it.

It's brutal. Carter wrote around the quotes and got exactly what he wanted: to write a Riot-Act level piece capable of inciting the pitchfork-wielding masses of Hollywood suits, gossips, and former NBC employees who want a Blackberry lodged through Silverman and Jeff Zucker's skulls (and put on display prominently at the NBC-Universal commissary). The title alone ("NBC Hired a Hit Maker. It's Still Waiting.") is fairly cruel. But then again, so was what he managed to get. For the first time, we're seeing less signs of Silverman hanging himself out to dry, and what might be the first instances of a somewhat apologetic-sounding Jeff Zucker beginning to try and swim to shore on Ben. Yes, Zucker is now trying to save his own ass:

Jeff Zucker, Mr. Silverman's boss and the chief executive of NBC Universal, says he continues to value Mr. Silverman's work. "Ben has a skill set that is incredibly appropriate for these times," he said. "If we weren't supportive of Ben, he wouldn't be here."

Still, the fact that there has been no formal deal announced to renew Mr. Silverman's contract will probably set off speculation among Mr. Silverman's critics that Mr. Zucker does not want to make a public endorsement of him.

As for his personal life, Mr. Silverman said he had taken steps to temper his social profile, which made him a frequent target in the Hollywood blogosphere. (He famously held a party populated by models in bikinisand white tigers in cages.) "I am more conscious of how I'm being presented," he said.

The off-hand remarks:

He was quoted dismissing two network competitors as "D-girls" - or low-level development executives. "I should never have called them that," Mr. Silverman said.

Silverman's goal posts:

...In its current position, still last among the major networks, NBC needs up, not flat; it also had the Super Bowl this season and it won't next year. To pick up [the] slack, it will require something (or several somethings) shiny and successful out of Mr. Silverman's shop.

...as well as his removal from the day-to-day of developing and green-lighting shows, the programming failures (though there is some praise reserved for his success with The Biggest Loser and The Office, both of which arrived via him, before he got to NBC). Oh, and then there's this gem, which makes Silverman sound like he showed up to work on the first day in boardshorts, ready to rock the lot with a set of aged cedar bongos under his arms:

"What I didn't realize is, it's really hard to have a vision running a network," Mr. Silverman said. "You can have an agenda. But it's almost impossible to have a vision because of the scale of the business and the entropy that already exists."

What the hell were Zucker and Silverman thinking giving anything - quotes, on the record or off - to Carter in the first place? How did they not know he was gonna hang them out to dry? If anything, this is throwing a propane tank on the coals: the piece in it of itself represents a massive fuckup on both of their parts, and Silverman - probably sitting at home right now, face in a Pyrex - will inevitably go deeper into hiding from being the programming rockstar he once saw himself as, and further into the dark, cavernous corridors of his advertisers' offices to do the "business stuff" he imaginably despises. It doesn't help that they included a chart (pictured below) to show how terrible of a job Silverman's doing. Growing up: bummer, man.

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Cook, who we presume must have been tipped by one of his "people" to the fact that Ben Silverman was out there on the internet just douching it up all over the place, stepped up his game and rose to the challenge like a true star. With his appearance on Oprah's show today, Cook effectively looked Silverman squarely in the eye and proclaimed, "I'll see you your topless locker room freestyle horseshit and raise you a rape role play fantasy"! And Oprah just sat there nodding approvingly, looking out over her audience of serfs glued anxiously to their seats in the fleeting hope that she might bestow a shitty car or a morsel of chicken upon them, and laughed, in typical thuggish overlord fashion. Then, she and Dane went backstage and engorged themselves on KFC while millions of Americans sleep hungry AGAIN tonight. The end.

And thanks to Gawker video intern Krutika Mallikarjuna for putting this clip together.

According to Nikki Finke, this "performance" was recorded in 2008 at the Aspen Youth Experience Celeb Ski (Wasn't this part of Dumb and Dumber's plot line?). The video was taken by Rob Morrow and features the harmonica skills of Fisher Stevens, both veterans of this event, which prompts one to wonder...What the hell did Ben Silverman do to piss off Rob Morrow and/or Fisher Stevens to compel one, or both of them, to release this video?

Now, just keep in mind while you're watching this that this guy runs a major American television network. Yeah.

The 38 year-old Silverman, whose penchant for upward professional mobility in the face seemingly endless acts of public jackassery has already reached legendary status, even by Hollywood standards, will probably get appointed by Obama to be Ambassador to Luxembourg or something now.

And the world will spin madly on.

Video clip via Deadline Hollywood via Movieline.

Fine by us! And we're sure future Tonight Show successor O'Brien and the NBC Entertainment co-chairman Silverman are both relieved to have Leno back on his feet. Although it's safe to say only one of them has been waking up in cold sweats, praying to a new-found God for Leno's good health.

NBC Universal—which runs, among other things, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Network, Universal Studios, and a bunch of theme parks—pulled in a profit of $391 million in the first quarter of 2009, versus $712 million in the first quarter of the previous year.

It's yet another colossal failure in Zucker's cap: He single-handedly engineered the demise of NBC from first place to fourth; he spent insane amounts of money on the Olympics in Athens and Beijing, which netted great ratings but not enough ad revenue to keep profits growing; he hired a club-kid to run NBC; and he acknowledged defeat last month. But he keeps on keeping his job, maybe because he dazzles and confuses his General Electric boss Jeffrey Immelt with reflections from his exceedingly bald head.

NBC Universal blames the profit drop squarely on the broadcast television unit, which lets it mask poor executive decisions behind the general advertising recession. Yes, local TV advertising is down because nobody is buying cars. But NBC also says that the Super Bowl was a drag on profits:

While NBC aired Super Bowl XLIII to great ratings success, there were significant production costs to air the big game, combined with rights fees paid to the NFL. Those expenses added up to $45 million in the quarter.

"Ratings success" understates it: Super Bowl 43 was the most-watched Super Bowl game in history, and the second-most watched program in the history of television. That's right: NBC Universal is explaining it's poor performance last quarter by saying that it got stuck with broadcasting the No. 2 television broadcast since the medium was invented. Tough luck guys!

Also dragging down profits were expenses relating to the Beijing Olympics, another huge ratings success that, in the normal course of business, ought to mean more money, not less. DVD sales were also down significantly.

On the upside, NBC Universal's cable networks were up 19%, which explains why executives were describing boring old USA this week as the company's "single biggest asset."

If Chuck had better writers they may have been able to craft this one into something that was self-referential and funny, but as it is it's just crazy awkward. Ben Silverman's product-placing path to economic success continues!

Subway's "Chuck" appearance goes beyond the usual trappings of product placement, in which an on-air appearance or even a reference from a character is considered a boffo execution. Getting a character to repeat the company's ad slogan is tantamount to turning "Chuck" for even the briefest of moments into a bona fide Subway commercial.

[Ad Age]

Or at least that's the joke he made! The entertainment mogul was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday and yukked that that's how resolved the Project Runway dispute between his company and Silverman's NBC/Universal.

"This is a bombshell," Weinstein growled. "Ben Silverman said, 'Why don't Harvey and I arm-wrestle this? Naked!'" And Seacrest, of course, giggled that way he loves to giggle when anything gay comes up. Seacrest added that it must have been a first in conflict resolution, but Weinstein, delighting in seeing the sprightly little frosted pixie in stitches so, decided to press on with the joke.

"I've spoken to some of his dates, and apparently it's not a first," he said as Seacrest went bright red and peed himself a little, out of a heady mixture of hysteria and awkwardness. I mean, really, when Harvey Weinstein makes a joke, you'd better goddamned laugh.

Nice, if not surprising, to see that Weinstein is treating this like a victory. Though we assume that Bravo will have the last laugh (or giggle!) when no one tunes in to watch PR on the damn Lifetime network.

[Page Six]

One: Husbands who watch too much sports.

Two: "Shirt shows - she says he always wears the same shirt." —Seinfeld

Shirt repetition! What is the deal with that??

"We'll have a telestrator, instant replays, different camera angles. Then the ref will make the decision. And it could be for whatever reason he wants. He could say to the wife, ‘You had the better argument, but I didn't like the way you said something.' "

Then everyone goes out to dinner. Always go out on a high note.

(Image via)

You remember how software-maker Microsoft bizarrely enlisted the sitcom star to promote its deeply troubled Vista operating system? The response was, uh, overwhelming . So overwhelming that Microsoft cancelled the campaign.

Now Silverman hopes Seinfeld can reverse NBC's fortunes. Silverman's past glorious successes include two cancelled shows, handing five hours of primetime to Jay Leno and not getting fired, yet. So it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that Silverman is stoked Seinfeld is going to riff on how insane married life is. I mean seriously, what's the deal with men and not putting down the toilet seat?? And ladies, what's with the bathroom hogging? What are you doing in there?

"Some of the greatest comedies in the history of television have been around marriages," Silverman said. "The concept is so universal and accessible, and obviously it works so well when it comes from somebody with a point of view — and nobody has a stronger point of view on this subject than Seinfeld."

That's right: No one feels more strongly about marriage than Seinfeld. Not Chris Rock, not the late Sam Kinison — no one.

Now NBC just has to learn how strongly America feels about its divorce from the comedian 11 years ago.

For a taste of how Seinfeld's humor has aged, take a look at the clip above, culled from Conan O'Brien's second-to-last Late Night. The comedian riffs on furniture. (Silverman would have been impressed; he's quite the laugher.)

(UPDATE: Added Late Night video.)

Namely, the McFlurry references felt organic, as 30 Rock has a habit of tying that sort of jokey, downmarket fast food to its most glamorous guest stars (witness Isabella Rossellini declaring her lifelong love for the Arby's "Big Beef and Cheddar" way back in Season One). No, it's the constant, prominent placement of the iPhone in the last two episodes that's really caught our eye. Every character seems to own one, make calls on one, and constantly show off pictures on one (in lengthy close-ups, no less)—even Jack Donaghy, who we totally figured for a Blackberry Storm man.

Here's a mere sampling of the iPhone's screen time over the last two weeks. And yes, we took these pictures off our TV using the iPhone. Can we have our money now?

• 30 Rock [NBC]