• Though they've broken up, social something-or-other Paris Hilton would still like to marry her rock n' roller friend Benji Madden. [Showbiz Spy]
• And screw weddings, says Jennifer Aniston! The Picture Perfect actor has turned down the proposal of her on-again-off-again beau John Mayer. [ShowbizSpy]
• Sad alien people Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and daughter Suri spent Earth Thanksgiving with British figurines David & Victoria Beckham, and their peculiarly named smaller editions. Everyone else is robots. [US]
• Shamed/glorified upscale call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre (boner of governors!) just wants to share her music with the world. It's like a cross between Joan Osborne and a hooker caterwauling drunkenly in an Atlantic City alleyway. [P6]
• Irish brogue rogue actor Colin Farrell was denied sex by a sexy US Army Reservist who is descended from Afghani royalty. That's like when Edwin Booth was denied courtship by General Lee's fetching grandniece. Or, not at all. History! [P6]
• Onion story funny, true. [The Onion]

• Ann Coulter's mouth was literally wired shut. Though the "leggy reactionary" can't talk, it's safe to assume she'd blame liberals. [P6]
• Paris Hilton was booed in a bar, because everyone collectively decided it is now time to viciously tear the starlet down. Just to make sure the last vestiges of dignity were truly eradicated, Hilton tried to win back ex Benji Madden, on the radio.
• Paul McCartney again creepily offered to serenade Michelle Obama. [Sun]
• Jermy Irons will learn to play the Irish fiddle in one of the most adorable and doomed reality shows ever devised. [Daily Star]
• Now that the actresses have all signed on to a second Sex And The City movie, all that's left is for a team of writers to work feverishly to write a non-depressing movie about how these women are STILL ordering cosmos and talking about dating. [Daily Star]
• Suri Cruise loves the paparazzi, and Tom Cruise knows it. [Daily Mail]

Here's how things work now, in the celebrity media pipeline: About four hours ago, the news surfaced in The Sun , People and Us Weekly , attributed to anonymous sources (Us called theirs "a rep" but offered no names). "Overprotective and controlling" was the rap on Madden. Did it stop there? No! Because AP now has a special, well-funded unit dedicated to nailing these crucial stories down as quickly as possible. So after some no-doubt frantic reporting, the wire service became (apparently) the first with a named source to confirm everything:

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend of nine months, Benji Madden, have broken up. Hilton publicist Alanna McCarthy said Wednesday that the two "remain very good friends." She wouldn't say more.

Quality journalism lives!

• Jennifer Aniston is either back with John Mayer and maybe asking for his hand in marriage because of a> "a barrage of romantic emails from him "(Star), b> her pregnancy with his love child just like in those pictures or c> an insatiable need to look insane in the tabloids.
• Madonna wants to ruin Christmas for her children, who do not celebrate Christmas, while Guy Ritchie wants to steal Madonna's money, which he doesn't need, not even to wine and dine his new ladyfriend Kelly Reilly, the actress.
• Henry Kissinger gave a private briefing to 60 plutocrats that was so terrifying he asked all waiters to please leave the room first. It's too late to buy gold bars, but you can probably still get ammunition and anti-radiation medicine. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson and Kevin Connolly may have gone for a swim in dead-guy water. Talk about debauched. [P6]
• Paris Hilton swears she wasn't flirting with either of those British princes, boring American boyfriend. Honest! Just ask yourself, Benji Madden: Does that sound like something she would do? [Daily Star]
• Donald Trump made a promise that may have turned out to be just a publicity stunt. Shocking! As a result, Ed McMahon continues to wonder why someone won't bring an enormous check to his door, just this once. [P6]
• Britney Spears was rumored to be reuniting with the father of her children, but instead she's wearing a ring from her scuzzy paparazzo ex-boyfriend. [Fox News]
• Anne Hathaway said she met a "sexy guy" in LA who is "kind of doing it for me right now." His name is Please Stop Talking About My Convicted Felon Ex-Boyfriend Here Will This Rumor Finally Make You Shut Up? [People]

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."
• Bill and Hillary Clinton said they aren't going to David "Obama" Geffen's stupid party at the Democratic convention, and Geffen said they weren't invited anyway, mumbling something about what the fatties would do to his catering bill. [P6]
• In between macking sessions with boyfriend Justin Bartha, Ashley Olsen consumed two Bloody Mary's and "a little bit" of spaghetti. In other words, a balanced diet. [P6]
• Someone is domain squatting AshleyDupre.com. But that's not the Spitzer hooker's real name, and she's probably not about to try to explain to some court how she established ownership over the pseudonym, so... Point to the domain squatter! [R&M]
• I had never heard that Lindsay Lohan's 14-year-old sister Ali got breast implants until Lindsay blogged a heated denial. [People]
• Jennifer Aniston's rebound rebound rebound man is said to be Matt Felker, a model. Meanwhile, John Mayer and Pete Wentz are hanging out more.
• Paris Hilton denied that she's dumped Benji Madden for the CEO of MySpace. [The Awful Truth]
• Because America will never tire of brutal torture on the part of insane, gung-ho law enforcement authorities, drunk driver and enemy of military training Keifer Sutherland would like to make a movie based on 24. [OK!]
• Tori Spelling says she'd still like to be in the 90210 spinoff, and implies she only dropped out because of the timing of her kid. [OK!]

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]
• Alec Baldwin's book A Promise To Ourselves is about how the screwed up divorce and family court system made him very angry, resulting in the famously abusive voice mail he left his daughter. You know what else makes Baldwin very angry? Being rescheduled four times for an interview with Diane Sawyer about the book, just because her husband went into heart surgery or whatever. [R&M]
• Sarah Jessica Parker has an art competition show, and it's headed for Bravo. The creators of Project Runway are involved. [P6]
• Harvey Weinstein's Weinstein Co. is expanding with a full 11,000-square-foot floor in a TriBeCa building. Their credit is still good! Or at least it is with their old landlord. [Post]
• Britney Spears looks good in a bikini again, thanks to the magic of cool, refreshing cigarettes. [Egotastic]
• Madonna is taking time off from her tour under doctor's orders. Supposedly, the pop star fired two dancers and her tour manager was on the verge of walking out. "One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low." [Sun]
• Alex Rodriguez is negotiating with his wife Cynthia in New York this week to "quickly settle their divorce" and "avoid a public 'slugfest.'" Oh, good. Because one can only imagine the salacious gossip that might emerge from such a situation. [Post]
• Al Reynolds was spotted at Miami Fashion Week with a woman "who was the spitting image" of Star Jones, complete with four-inch stilettos. [Post]
• Larry Mendte, the Philadelphia TV news co-anchor of cop-puncher Alycia Lane, was charged by the feds with reading Lane's email, including during breaks from the 11 o'clock news, and presumably for also forwarding her email to various tabloids, because if low-grade email snooping alone is a federal crime this guy is one unlucky bastard. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus is interested in taking the movie role of "a lovable, lost suburban girl who descends into a life of reckless partying and promiscuity." How does Vanity Fair continue to manipulate her this way?? [Scoop]
• Fashion line Guess wants its lead model to look like Amy Winehouse. On purpose. [P6]
• Paris Hilton is maybe tired of boyfriend Benji Madden, even though she recently wanted to marry him and have his babies, according to rumor and so forth. [E!]

[Hilton] became concerned recently because her clothes have been growing tight and she knew she was gaining weight...’She will go to the bathroom to smoke at different Hollywood clubs, or sometimes she’ll just light up in the VIP area,’ said the source.”

So how does one choose between wearing pretty dresses and using Annie Hall's solution to having sex with an unattractive boyfriend? Paris’ decision, after the jump.

As the source claims, Paris has a charming habit of showing up to parties complaining about how much she just ate after a toking session. Which might explain her infamous lazy eye always visible in party pictures! But after a series of heartbreaking evenings spent trying and failing to squeeze into her favorite old dishrags gemstone-encrusted dresses, Hilton has "decided to throw away the pipe to avoid the munchies and get back to her ideal weight." Color us confused, but isn't this entire tale just a little suspicious? Last we heard, Paris doesn't even do drugs. Like, never. Like, she'll take an Adderall when she feels dizzy and stuff, but she has Never. Tried. Drugs. Then again, maybe the reason that she got her facts messed up was because she was as stoned as Snoop Dogg when she told that lie story on Larry King last summer. At this point, that's the best possible explanation we can come up with.

• PARIS HILTON QUIT SMOKING POT TO COMBAT MUNCHIE WEIGHT GAIN [Celebitchy]

Paris has always been thin, but a photo taken in late April showed the poptard looking just as eerily pin-thin as Nicole did during the height of her scary-skinny stage.

Though Nicole can't be credited with launching the gigantic granny glasses trend, she certainly had a major hand in popularizing it. And now, Paris is jumping on the bandwagon hardcore, wearing styles Nicole hasn't worn in years.

But most telling is Paris' recent choice of paramour: none other than Nicole's future hubby Joel Madden's brother Benji. Benji's always been the less appealing of the faux-punk brothers, mainly because Joel is taller and somehow a bit easier on the eyes. Plus he dated Hilary Duff, whereas Benji just dated that freaky-looking model Sophie Monk. But mirroring your newly hotter and happier BFF calls for desperate measures, and desperate measures Paris has officially taken.

[Photo credits: X17, Getty, Splash News]

• IS PARIS HILTON MORPHING INTO BEST FRIEND NICOLE RICHIE? [Daily Mail]

• Amy Winehouse went on a rampage of terror last week, headbutting and punching people, getting high in the street and stiffing her cabbie. But the addict/singer also made out with some random guy, and maybe that's why she now has a new man named Alex Haynes, who works for Winehouse's manager, and doesn't look nearly fierce enough to handle his insane new girlfriend. Winehouse's mom thinks he's great because Haynes is always "popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted." Other people point out that buying whatever Winehouse wants is maybe not in the singer's best interest.
• Prior to Haynes, Winehouse had a thing with a photographer named Blake. Not the Blake who is her incarcerated husband, obviously. [ShowbizSpy]
• Oprah's new interview with Tom Cruise will indeed include questions about Scientology and that time he jumped on her couch. See, Oprah's not afraid to be hard hitting. That's why she also took a ride on Cruise's snowmobile. [ET]
• Paris Hilton's boyfriend Benji Madden drove over a paparazzo's foot while pulling away from a West Hollywood nightclub with Hilton in the passenger seat. The socialite and musician are accused of a hit-and-run and police are investigating the incident. [Sun]
• Actress Jennifer Anniston met singer John Mayer for a late lunch. WITH DESSERT. This changes everything. [OK!]

Before she became the monstrosity that is Paris Hilton, the heiress' fame was limited to her hometown of Manhattan, in addition to a few high-profile ritzy vacation spots like St. Bart's and Miami. And she even had a respectable long-term relationship to model Jason Shaw, lasting four years and culminating in an engagement. But then the flashbulbs burned brighter, and Paris spread her fame-whoring wings, eventually meeting and planning yet another wedding with her first Greek shipping heir, conveniently named Paris Latsis. Surprise, surprise, that joyous meant-to-be union didn't last either. Then there were the rumors back in 2006 that she was gearing up for another engagement to man around town Stavros Niarchos, after showing up to a fashion party sporting a gigantic ring just like the one Latsis had given her. But just as she stole Stavros from Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan allegedly ran off with him for a night or two. So will Hilton's fourth scheme actually work out as planned? We're not betting bloggers, but we sense a pouty-faced glossy cover in the coming weeks featuring Paris and her broken love affair. But hey, we hear Calum Best is available!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• OH BROTHER! [NY Post]
• PARIS IN NEW RING-AROUND [NY Post]

boomp3.com

'Tough' guy, musician and Paris Hilton's fake BF du jour Benji Madden has made a few additions to his entourage or, as he likes to call it, the Party Posse. The reasons are two-fold: one, to make him look him taller and two, to make him look even crazier. After all, would you mess with a man that rolls with short people dressed as if every day is St. Patrick's Day?

[Photo Credit: X17]

Don Hill, the owner of the club, insisted it's not a violent place and that he hasn't had problems in the past.

"Everybody seems to have a fun time here, everybody enjoys themselves," Hill said. "I didn't see it but anything can happen."

Soho Clubgoer Stabbed in Back [NYP]
Benji Madden fights at MisShapes [NYP via ohnotheydidn't]

[Photo: Getty Images]