The U.S. Marshals Service auctioned off 188 items seized from Madoff's many houses after he was arrested for duping his investors out of approximately $65 billion and perpetrating the largest financial fraud in U.S. history. Proceeds from the Madoff auction will benefit a fund for his victims.

Diane works for an organization of bankruptcy attorneys. She said "some of" the members of her group might be Madoff victims "but they would never tell me." Diane was surprised that the "vast majority of the stuff" at the auction "seemed drug dealer-ish." A nearby Marshall cracked: "that's because most of it is." Before and after Madoff's stuff went on sale, 409 items seized from other criminals were auctioned including several pieces of bling such as a necklace emblazoned with the Mercedes logo.

The auction was held in a second floor ballroom at the Sheraton Hotel and Towers in Midtown where buyers sat in a large room under a recessed crystal chandelier. Many of the bidders were jewelry dealers and other auction veterans. Outside the ballroom, I overheard them discussing the theory that the Madoff items would fetch a premium because of their association with the disgraced financier. In addition to these seasoned auction veterans, the Madoff sale attracted first-timers who wanted to witness history in the making.

On stage in the front of the room, a crew from Gaston & Sheehan Auctioneers ran the show. Gaston & Sheehan is based in Pflugerville, Texas and their staffers lent an authentic Old South sheen to the proceedings. The emcee spoke in a rapid-fire auction patter and bid-spotters punctuated the air with shouts of "Yah!" when buyers placed new bids.

Deborah Pointer, the executive producer of Russell Simmon's "Def Poetry Jam" was there to purchase "some African masks" that belonged to the Madoffs for her collection. Mona Berkowitz attended the auction wearing a coat with a fur collar and a pearl necklace. She pointed out that many of the bidders who bought earlier items were "buying thinking it's Madoff and it's not, Madoff was Jewish I don't think he had crucifixes."

Mario Ramirez, who works for the New York Aquarium Service brought an envelope filled with $3,500 cash, intent on purchasing Bernie's personalized New York Mets jacket. Ramizrez said he wanted the jacket because "I'm sure it's going to be worth something in the future, it's the biggest Ponzi scheme in the world and I was there for it." Ramirez said he plans to sell the jacket on eBay after next "season is over 'cause I want to wear it at the stadium." Ramirez said he's not worried about facing backlash while wearing a jacket labeled "Madoff" at Citi Field because "I'm taking my co-workers and they're pretty big guys." Following a bidding war, the jacket eventually went to an online buyer for $14,500. Most of the items at the auction sold for prices well above their estimated value.

Don Kruzer came to the auction with three friends from Washington, D.C. hoping to purchase "stuff for my Lake George summer home" from Bernie Madoff's house in Montauk. Originally, Kruzer came to New York to see James Gandolfini in God of Carnage on Broadway, but he included the Madoff auction in his trip after reading about it in the newspaper.

Kruzer, who works in the healthcare industry, was especially interested in bidding on Madoff's golf clubs and the duck decoys that he used to decorate his house in Long Island. The duck decoys ended up being fiercely bid for at the auction, going for $3,250-$4,750.

Lester Miller ended up purchasing the first Madoff item on sale at the auction, a fourteen carat gold "ocean motif" bracelet adorned with charms depicting a whale lighthouse, anchor, boat, sailfish, and lobster. Miller, a 77 year-old executive who works with a company that makes batteries for cell phone towers was wearing snakeskin loafers with a gold clasp. Miller has seven grandchildren, "six girls and one boy," who he's taking on a cruise from Mexico to Los Angeles next week.

Miller wasn't sure how many items he purchased at the auction or how much he spent, but he says he plans on giving the jewelry he bought at the auction to his grandchildren. Miller says he's "going to tell them" the story of Bernie Madoff "so they can see what happened to him."

With reporting from Sam Petulla

[Photo via Sarah Wali]

LOT 276- JACKET: [1] Blue satin with orange trim jacket labeled and stitched with: NY Mets, 'MADF', '25' and 'Madoff'

LOT 278- SCREEN: [1] Chinese Chippendale Mahogany Two Panel Table Top Screen, English, 19th century, restorations, 44 x 19 inches (each panel) watercolor inserts

LOT 271- FUR: Ladys Bill Blass brown mink coat; no collar, hook front; 3/4 strait sleeves; 36" length x 48" sweep; strip sections; Bill Blass label.

LOT 293- DECOY: Wooden duck decoy w/ black body, natural wood head; green painted beak; black eyes (black w/brown pupil is a replacement); 21"L x 9 3/4" diameter. Note: yellow is coming through bill paint.

LOT 296- GOLF BAG: Belding Sports Golf Bagging Co. South Fork Country Club embroidered golf bag; fine black leather. GOLF CLUBS: Odyssey White Hot putter (Ruth Madoff South Fork CC shaft label). GOLF CLUBS: Three (3) Kasco Power Tornado FG drivers (Ruth Madoff South Fork CC shaft labels); 3, 5, 7. GOLF CLUBS: Great Big Bertha Hawkeye 11 degree titanium driver (Ruth Madoff South Fork CC shaft label). GOLF CLUB: Alien sand wedge. GOLF CLUBS: Diawa Hi-Trac TC5 iron set (Ruth Madoff South Fork CC shaft label); 4 to 11. MISC.: Three (3) leather golf gloves; Thirty (30) misc. used golf balls (incl Volvic Crystal). MISC.: Ruth Madoff South Fork Country Club member tag.

LOT 312- ART: Photograph print rendering of an Indian on bareback; copyright photographer E. Curtis, unsigned; Image: 27cm x 34cm; frame: 20 1/2 " x 23".

LOT 314- PURSE: Ladys Zagliani brand black crocodile leather hand bag; tan suede & silk lined interior; removable shoulder strap; zipper top; rect. shape, 8.5"T x 10"W x 2"D.

LOT 321- PURSE: Ladys Louis Vuitton brown monogram canvas logo hand bag; Trocadero; rect. shape, tan piping; LV logo side hand strap; zipper top; brown leather interior; 6"T x 9.55"W x 2.0"D., PURSE: Ladys Louis Vuitton brown monogram canvas hand bag; rect. shape, tan leather shoulder strap; zipper top; brown material interior; 5.5"T x 8.25"W x 1.5"D., PURSE: Ladys Louis Vuitton brown Monogram canvas travel bag; Neverfull MM; rect. shape, twin tan leather hand straps; open top; brown striped material interior; 11"T x 14"W x 6"D.

LOT 339- SHIRTS: [3] Polo Golf style shirts with 2 signal flags over 'BULL' on front upper left; 1 is L, 2 are XL

LOT 347- TOYS: Three (3) boogie boards; including one 1 pink/white, and 2 yellow; 40" long; "Madoff" written in black marker., FISHING: Tackle box and contents w/ "B.L. Madoff" plastic label on box outside; including 5 fly fishing lures, 1 Medalist Fishing reel, FLUGER Supreme #577 reel; Medalist Pfluger reel, 24 fly fishing lures; pliers & other misc. fishing accessories.

LOT 346- DECORATIVE: White water rescue ring bouy painted w/ "Bullship NY"; 18" diameter, black & gold hand-painted lettering; outer cable knit nylon cord; mfg Carlon Rubber Products, Inc., Derby CT, KOROSEAL PVC foam, model no. KS-18. E25-160.064/012/0.

LOT 350- UMBRELLA: Nylon golf umbrella; w/ MADF insignia & Bernard Madoff Investment Securities, New York and London; black & white color., DUFFLE BAGS: Three (3) monogrammed beige canvas duffle bags; w/ "Bernard L Madoff Investment Securities Montauk 1993" & sun emblem., MISC.: Six (6) vinyl letters in wood cigar box; black on yellow 3" initials B, L, & M (2 each); Macanudo cigar box w/ hinged lid.

The autopsy said that Picower had a massive heart attack in his pool, then drowned as a result. And he was reportedly in poor health—thanks to Bernie Madoff!

"We always have been private people, and having all this play out in the media has taken a big toll on our health," the couple wrote in response to questions submitted earlier this month by The New York Times.

Irving Picard, the trustee for the Madoff victims, still wants to get back the $7 billion that Picower made from Madoff over the years. Hell, he can't take it with him, wherever he is. And it ended up killing him. Crime really doesn't pay.
[Pic via]

All we know so far about his death: not much.

The Palm Beach Fire Department told ABC News that Picower had no pulse when fire rescue workers arrived at his oceanfront mansion after his wife called 911. She and his housekeeper pulled his body from the pool shortly after noon.

But (not that you should read anything into this) we do know that Picower inspired a lot of hate. He reportedly made $7 billion in profit off his Madoff investments since the 1970s. That automatically makes him a villain. Irving Picard, the trustee overseeing the recovery of Madoff assets, is trying to get that money back. And, according to the WSJ, federal prosecutors "are looking into whether Mr. Picower or several other longtime Madoff associates had knowledge of or complicity in the fraud."

His $28 million mansion was known as "Casa del Sud," and is pictured above. WHAT A TALE.

[House pic via]

There were four bidders for the 1.2 acre, 3,000-square-foot beachside four-bedroom home, which sold last Friday. But the Wall Street Journal reports thatRoth, who heads the Vornado Realty Trust, won out. Maybe he just gets a kick out of the idea of living amid the ghosts of all Madoff's crazy coke parties—according to the New York Daily News' account of a lawsuit filed this week, Madoff's operation was an "animal house with 'a culture of sexual deviance' that often hosted drug-fueled parties featuring topless waitresses who wore little more than G-strings." Madoff referred to cocaine as "North Pole."

And the beach house does have an early-'80s Bolivian-marching-powder vibe to it. Can't you can almost see a skinny half-dressed blond rooting around on the floor behind that toilet, looking for glassine bags?

The Mets-owning Wilpon family actually made money on at leason one Madoff account. How's that for a "home run," EH?

The report shows that Mets LP, one of the team's financial arms, withdrew $570.5 million from two accounts it held with Mr. Madoff's company, $47.8 million more than it put in.

Dealbook notes that they had other Madoff accounts too, so they may come out with a net loss, but still. Pretty nifty. Now they're gonna get sued and have to give all that money back, because that's how it goes for the Mets (Luis Castillo).

Meanwhile the Yankees will clinch their World Series bid tonight. What a contrast. Big, big contrast.

The Daily News acquired a copy of a lawsuit detailing the conditions of Madoff's new jailhouse crib. He sleeps on the lower bunk of a cell which he shares with a drug offender, he eats pizza cooked by a child molester, and he's been hanging out with mob boss Carmine Persico and convicted spy Jonathan Pollard.

The details were part of a document filed Tuesday by Attorney Joseph Cotchett who represents Madoff's Ponzi scheme victims. He interviewed Madoff in July at the Butner Federal Correctional Complex near Raleigh, N.C.

Madoff recently got into a fight with another inmate which stunned other prisoners, who didn't think Madoff had it in him. He was pushed by an inmate about the same age after getting into an argument. Madoff pushed the inmate to the ground, hovering over him, his face reddened and angry.

Even behind bars, Madoff continues to pull the rug out from under senior citizens.

Via ABC News, just enjoy these:

"As soon as you walk into it, there is an understated elegance you don't see from the outside." - Roland Ubaldo of the Southern District of New York Marshal Service

"Buyers were extremely enthusiastic about the location of the house and its potential and not at all put off by the fact that it was Bernie Madoff's house." - Pamela Liebman, CEO of Corcoran group real estate.

"People recognized the value of the property, the home, the incomparable views and nice, easy access to the beach." - Joan Hegner, the broker who ran the sale.

So, you know, just like every other real estate sale in which the buyers do not want you to have any idea whatsoever who they are. Probably because of the tawdry Formica they just purchased.

This is a New York Post exclusive from a prison snitch source—and that combo last wowed the world with the story about how Madoff has cancer, which turned out to be false. So regulate your credulousness accordingly!

Anyhow, the story goes that Madoff and another prisoner were arguing about the stock market, of all things, and the other dude shoved Bernie, and Bernie—to the surprise of all the hard rocks—shoved the dude back so hard that he fell down. Then the other dude took off like a punk! Madoff earned himself some "cred," according to the Post. It's practically a scene-by-scene reenactment of American Me up in there! And what horrific gang violence is coming now that Bernie set it off?

The next day, Madoff and his attacker, described by inmates as a white male over 60 years old, made up and were spotted hanging out together.

Outstanding. Until another paper gets its act together and starts bribing those prison snitches as well as the Post does, we'll have to take their word for it.

Please God let the Black Guerilla Family recruit Bernie Madoff.
[Pic: Getty]

Dreier's that hot shot lawyer who was sentenced to 20 years in prison for selling phony promisory notes and raking in about $400 million for his "law firm." Then he was caught and now his name's synonymous with dirt. So, why'd he do it?

Dreier's been saying all along that he wasn't motivated by greed, as some would assume, but because he had an insatiable thirst for success. Or, as he explained it to the 60 Minutes' audience, his plot was akin to a midlife crisis:

I was very disappointed in my life. I guess some people would say maybe a lot of men reach a so-called midlife crisis. I was 52.... I remember being at a place in my life where I was perhaps desperate to better myself and to make a place for myself.

But even his ambition-fueled thievery was topped. Sure, he was a media sensation for a minute, but Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme soon broke and became the amoral financial litmus test. At his sentencing, the judge even said, "he is not Mr. Madoff from any analysis, and that's why I can't understand why the government is asking for 145 years." Ouch.

Now poor Dreier, so filled with ambition, so eager to be the best, comes with the moniker "mini-Madoff" and has to whore himself out to 60 Minutes and — yeesh! — Vanity Fair.

And the worst part? He has to come up with some bullshit self-analysis to explain it all and, we guess, elicit some sympathy from the masses. Well, it didn't work. Now we just think he's a sad sack coward. At least just fess up and say you liked money and yachts. That's what a real man would do.

• Lindsay Lohan's new clothing line, that she walked down the catwalk in Paris for fashion week, did not go over well with the French. But really: what does? Also, those lips, my god. Are you in there, LiLo? It's me, Margret. Anyway, the clothing looks pretty meh and I'm not impressed, but then again my sense of style extends to "jeans, shirt, whatever, J. Crew" so, you know, there's that. But really: fugly. Meh meh meh. That should've called this line Donatella Mehrsaci. Georgia Mehrmani. The United Colors of Mehnetton. Abercrombie and Meh. Forever Meh. Mehniqlo. TopMeh. Mehccia Prada. Meh Sport. Tommy Mehfinger. Etc. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Beyonce Knowles' dad, Matthew, supposedly knocked up some woman, argues Bucky Turco at ANIMALNY. She's the mother of Tone Loc's son, she's filing a paternity suit against him, and she's a former Seattle Seahawks dancer. All the single Knowles? All the single Knowles. [ANIMAL NY]
  
  
• Padma isn't saying who her baby's daddeh is. Page Six thinks it's the 69 year-old sleezer geezer running IMG. I hope it's Toby Young. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill O'Reilly doesn't think you should beg if you're caught by enemies in a war zone. In other news, Page Six is running Bill O'Reilly's hostage negotiation tips? Great. Here's a good way to be released by your captors in a war zone: be Bill O'Reilly. Also see: The Ransom of Red Chief. [Page Six]
  
  
• Vincent Gallo, director of The Brown Bunny (who also starred as the film's lead in the trailblazing role of Guy Who Doesn't Talk For Two Hours Only To Get His Dong Sucked By Chloe Sevigny On Camera; the Oscars sadly overlooked it), has phone problems. He had a New York number, he got an LA number, and the guy who took his New York number is still pretending to be him. He's being creepy when girls call and when he was recently invited to a VICE screening of Where The Wild Things Are (which sounds like the best night of paint-huffing children's movie watching ev-ar) fake creepy Vincent Gallo asked the girl who invited "him" for a picture. This could actually be a set up for Gallo's next film, which I would go see. Gallo could play the role of Guy Who Walks Around New York Until He Finds Guy With His Phone Number And Punches Him In The Face (And Then Bones His Girlfriend, Because He's Vincent Fucking Gallo). In other news, maybe you've seen those advertisements we're running for Chelsea on the Rocks, yeah? Well, THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST, and also, I haven't seen the movie and have no idea if it's any good or not, but I was working on an interview with Abel Ferrara last year. Ferrara's insane. But this was great:

  I don't like Vincent Gallo.

  A lot of people say that.
  No, but I know him. You know? ‘Cause I introduced him to [my girlfriend, Shannon], and he asked her to marry him after a day. But she didn't bother telling me.

  So he's disrespectful?
  You know, he's a punk, man. He's just a punk. What'd he do? Hit this reporter the other day? I heard he like slammed this chick, right?

  He does it a lot.
  This kid's not right. Right? Right? Because he said that she didn't like his leather jacket. Smashed some chick in the face! [Editor's Note: Vincent Gallo did not actually, physically attack anyone.] You know what I'm saying? But I mean, you know, what can I say about the kid? I don't wanna talk about him.

  Say what you will about Abel Ferrara or Vincent Gallo, but they're both awesome New York characters. I wish this rivalry got hot and we could have some kind of charity thing where Ferrara gets to beat Vincent Gallo with a nightstick for two minutes. And then Ferrara goes over a dunk tank, and Vincent Gallo has to throw wadded up tissues at the target. That is all. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rush and Molloy, the husband and wife Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team, focus their Moose and Squirrel lens today on Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, who they say are engaged. This is what they lead with. They're engaged. We all know she's preggers with her kid and they've been together for a while, so this isn't a surprise or really any kind of lead item. Rush and Molloy, I H8U, you're like the Family Circus of gossip pages. You suck this week. [NYDN]
  
  
• Heh. Barry Diller got dissed by Larry Page for Page's Blackberry. I think Page was just being coy and Diller was playing hard to get. But that's how I read into it. Also, Google sux. Heh. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Liza Minelli get emotional and have to stop a medley written for Judy Garland at every performance? Isn't that part of her Itzhak Perlman-like shtick? Sorry Gays, I know she's Vishnu to you, but seriously? Come on. [Page Six]
  
  
• You know whenever a Page Six item begins with the words "Hedge-fund wife," it's going to be spectacular. And this was great: Lisa Falcone—a hedge-fund wife—donated $10M to the High Line without her husband's input. That's $10M for a "park" that's 30 feet above the ground and, I mean, listen: I don't know how to explain the High Line to anyone who doesn't live in New York, suffice to say it's one of those ridiculous New York things we enjoy (like waiting in Madison Square Park an hour for a burger, yes: a burger) that makes us all categorically insane. It's a park built on an abandoned elevated rail track. And $10M is a lot of money for it not to have people movers, or something. Anyway: this hedge-fund wife offered up the ten large without her husband knowing. And this was the quote: "My husband was a little unhappy because I made such a quick decision, and he said I should carefully consider the charity before writing a check." Well, yes. Because you gave $10M to something with the cultural significance of Shake Shack. Also, I—like so many other young, hardworking Murray Hill* residents—want to one day grow up to be a hedge-fund wife. Someone help me do this. [Page Six] *I do not actually live in Murray Hill.
  
  
• Ruth Madoff didn't know about Bernie's affair until the NYDN reported it, reports the NYDN. She went to prison to visit him and he still denied it. This is sad. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, Michael Jackson's kids are doing well in their grandmother's care. As long as she keeps Joe Jackson away, they'll continue to do so. [NYDN]

And to celebrate the first nice piece of Michael Jackson news in months, 'bout we start this day off with a little jam, no? Happy Sunday!

On 60 Minutes last night Picard said, hey, I am going to win myself some friends, for once, and sue these crooked (by proxy, at least) Madoff kids for every red cent their daddy stole, and also they better move out of their nice houses and move into crappy, small houses, as penance, or else. We're paraphrasing.

Picard's team unearthed records showing Madoff's sons Mark and Andrew, who ran a legitimate trading operation, and Madoff's brother Peter, the chief compliance officer, took $80 million in compensation over the past seven years.

Plus, millions more in personal expenses were charged to the company, including private jet rentals, ski vacations and country club dues.

Considering that, I don't think anyone will have a problem with suing Madoff's sons, niece, and brother for $200 million, do you? No, that should be just fine. Picard says he wants the kids' god damn multimillion dollar houses and he wants everything else and "if that leads to bankrupting them, then that's what will happen."

Hardcore, Irving.

ON THE OTHER HAND: Madoff's sons are trying to get $90 million they say they are owed by dad's company.

Take all their shit, Irving. All of it.

Watch CBS Videos Online

The realtor told ABC the bidding was "fast and furious." Yea yea, beachfront in Montauk and everything but still: does this mean that Madoff's infamy actually adds to the value of this stuff? Because we could just as soon see that going the other way! But this is nonviolent infamy, which is almost equivalent to plain old fame. If Madoff had, you know, murdered seven children in the basement here, it might not result in a price bump.

If the rest of the Madoff houses up for sale right now also go higher than the asking prices, Madoff memorabilia mania will be a certified trend. If some do and some don't, it'll just be the vagaries of the unpredictable real estate market.

And if the rest all go below listing value then maybe this Montauk realtor is just a lowballer.
[Pic: AP]

The front! Tree included.

The slimy pool.

There is a dock as well, out back.

Bernie used this telescope to spy on manatee sex. Satan flag in background.

Where Bernie Madoff fucked America.

He had all these paintings of bulls on his wall. Seriously, dude.

This golden bull proves Bernie Madoff had no taste.
[Pics: AP]

Madoff was recorded advising a guy from the Fairfield Greenwich Group how to evade the SEC. It's enough to make you think that Madoff had something to hide.

"You know, you don't have to be too brilliant with these guys, because you don't have to be," Madoff said, referring to SEC investigators.

Because they are none too bright, you see. If the questions got tough, Madoff advised, just start joking around with the SEC guys—hey, whoa, you guys writing a book here or something? Haha. Works every time!

At one point, Madoff interrupted the conversation to take another phone call. He returned and said, "I'm sorry. If I get any more solicitations for charity, I'm going to kill myself."

At least he's solved that problem now.
[Pic: Getty]

The patio, from which Madoff would toss pennies at innocent passersby below.

Ruth Madoff's home office. Only pure thoughts ever existed within these walls.

Ruth Madoff's personal bathroom. She probably peed in this shower.

This evil kitchen gave sustenance to Bernie Madoff.

Bernie Madoff bought a flat screen TV and exercycle for this bathroom just because he could.

The foyer and dining room. Yea, it's big.

A poster commemorating the time Bernie conned a fish out of $3.5 million.

The master bedroom. Canopy bed? What a dork.
[Pics: AP]

Badly. Not only was the SEC never able to get an accurate measure on the size of Mr. Madoff's penis, but they also weren't able to catch him after crossing the trail he left several times over a period of time lasting about 17 years. The Wall Street Journal tears into it, teeth bared, as the report more or less implicates the SEC as the Keystone Cops of American Finance. Among the better ones:

• "A May 2003 email from a hedge-fund manager citing 'indicia of a Ponzi scheme,' but the agency months later decided to pursue a different allegation because that's where its expertise lay."
  
  
• In 1992, the SEC looked into two Florida accountants who were getting money to Madoff. They punished the accountants, but not Madoff.
  
  
• 25 people invested with Madoff after the SEC issued a report saying there was no reason to believe Madoff was a crook. Whoops!
  
  
• In May, 2003, a hedge fund manager tipped off the SEC to Madoff's Money not adding up. The SEC senior examiner in charge chose to look at abusive trading practices (called "front-running") instead of the questions raised by the SEC tipster because that's where the senior examiner's "team's area of expertise led." In other words: the senior-examiner thought he'd further his own career by pushing forward on a line of inquiry he knew he could handle as opposed to something he'd have to call in help for. Whoops.
  
  
• A routine examination of a hedge fund called Renaissance Technologies, run by a guy named James Simons, yielded internal emails wondering whether or not Madoff's money was real. These emails led to a 2005 SEC investigation of Madoff's funds.
  
  
• My favorite: an anonymous complaint registered with the SEC suggested "a scandal of major proportion." The SEC looked into it, by calling Madoff's lawyer about a specific investor. They asked, he denied, and they dropped it. Wow.

So! To sadists, schadenfreude enthusiasts, and to those of you who fetishize and enjoy the fuckups of an overinflated bureaucracy, of fraud perpetrated in proportions otherwise unseen, and of people losing millions and millions of dollars, the entire thing will make a great read, and can be downloaded here. To those of you who lost any amount of money to Bernie Madoff and have dutifully paid taxes assuming that one day that money would go to protect you in the event of something like this, uh, yeah, you're not gonna be happy.

The Daily Beast interviewed Ron Weinstein about his feelings. They are much milder than maybe the average sentient human's reactions would be!

"Affairs are commonplace and shouldn't be such a big deal," he says. "However, having an affair with the person who is the biggest crook in the world and stole all my assets is another issue entirely."

Who are we to judge?

Another unexpected development: his wife's allegations about Bernie Madoff's penile dimensions. "I thought it was trashy," Ron says, "but I thought it was necessary to get insight into how somebody becomes a sociopath. What happens when they're young that can cause somebody to be this horrible?"

But Ron is getting half that book money so buy buy buy!