• Didn't see this coming: GLAAD has released a statement approving ABC's decision to cancel two Adam Lambert appearances in the wake of his controversial AMA performance. Glambert was not cut for kissing a man and simulating oral sex on stage, they explain, but because he did so without telling anyone he was going to do it. It means he can't stay on script, which is a fate that perhaps befalls stars who get their start in quasi-reality show settings. GLAAD buys ABC's excuse, noting that the letwork lets gays, lesbians, and trannies kiss on air from time to time. (Go, Ugly Betty, go) TMZ, however, notes that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry had an impromptu kiss at the 2003 Oscars and never suffered consequences. Update: Wanna know what GLAAD isn't okay with? Saying that they're okay with banning gay performers. GLAAD issued a mealy-mouthed "clarification" of their previous statement that doesn't really change anything: They're against double standards for gays and disappointed that Lambert's not appearing on ABC, but they checked with ABC and this is not one of those situations, so ABC's fine to ban him, or something. Anyway, here's the whole thing from GLAAD PR director Rich Ferraro

  Update on Statement from GLAAD on ABC's Decision to Cancel Performances by Adam Lambert

  Since his American Music Awards performance occurred GLAAD has consistently advocated that Adam Lambert and openly gay artists not be held to a double standard. As we have expressed publicly, it is disappointing that ABC will not give Lambert a chance to perform at this time. GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

  [TMZ]

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• Miley Cyrus got Lindsay Lohan's "breathe" tattoo, but under her boob [fig.1] instead of on her wrist. It's all part of young Hollywood's plan to merge themselves into one big Transformers-like monster of indiscernible mom-nightmare. Miley was photographed cavorting in an ill-fitted hot pink bikini with visible boob pads. Her "Just breathe" tat is definitely new, because there are pictures of her pantomiming "it iches." [fig.2] [DailyMail]
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• As if Rihanna wasn't intimidating enough already: Asked about the rumor that she is a size queen, Rihanna laughed in a radio interview and replied, "guilty as charged, guilty as charged." She also likes tall men, and wearing heels. "If it's a one-night stand situation there's only one thing that matters. I don't think personality matters right there." Sounds like she's on the rebound? [TMZ]
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• Oh, so now he's all holier than thou: Chris Brown would like alleged Tiger Woods-beater Elin Nordegren to know, from one domestic abuser to another, that it's not okay to hit the ones you love. [Gatecrasher]
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• Speaking of Chris, his 20/20 interview airs tonight. His PR team's tenacity is unrelenting. [NYDN]
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• The Salahi Saga continues. Three Secret Service members are on administrative leave for their role in admitting the D.C. party crashers to Obama's state dinner. Nonetheless, the Prez sez he "could not have more confidence" in his security, probably because everyone knows this was actually social secretary Desiree Rogers' fault, even though the White House is defending her. [NYP] [LAT]
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• Pamela Anderson is recording a single with Richie Rich, called "High," which is about high fashion, not drugs. [P6]
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• Alleged Casey Johnson vibrator victim Jasmine Lennard says the Johnson & Johnson heiress "turned up screaming, 'I love you'" yesterday and begged Lennard to drop charges for the time Casey broke into her home, stole her panties, and left a used vibrator in her bed. Somehow Nicky Hilton gets pulled into the mess, as does a P6 meta-reference: "I considered dropping the charges until I read her claim in Page Six that I somehow fabricated what she did to me. It has made me more determined for her to suffer the consequences." [P6]
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• Taylor Lautner is in the running to be Max Steel in the comic-book-turned-movie of the same name. He's also hosting SNL this week. Sweet as the boy is, my prediction is "wooden." [LAT]
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• Kate Moss bought a bracelet straight off a woman's wrist, which must be one of the most powerful proofs of stylishness this world has to offer. But this item smells like a PR plant: Ad hoc bracelet-seller Ann Dexter-Jones is a professional bracelet-seller, too. Her debut jewelry line debuts this weekend. [P6]
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• Celebuspawn romance! 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger has supposedly been dating 15-year-old Tallulah Willis since Halloween. I can think of few things more awkward than reading about your teenage relationship in the New York Post, but celebuspawn know not awkwardness, born of grace and lightness are they. [P6]
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• "Destiny's Child Gals Reunite—For Lawsuit." Kelly Rowland is pissed because the copyright infringement suit that is dragging them to Chicago is all Beyonce's dad's fault, for pushing to get his daughter's name in songrwriting credits she didn't deserve. The catch-22 of stage parents is that the ones capable of making their kids into stars are also the one who end up sabotaging them later, inadvertently or otherwise. [Gatecrasher]
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  Figure 2.
  

Everett said:

The fact is that you could not be, and still cannot be, a 25-year-old homosexual trying to make it in the British film business or the American film business or even the Italian film business. It just doesn't work and you're going to hit a brick wall at some point. You're going to manage to make it roll for a certain amount of time, but at the first sign of failure they'll cut you right off.

He then went on to admit that he's "probably happier" than closeted stars. But who cares about happiness when you could have an awesome career, a huge mansion and a million adoring female fans who you will never, ever sleep with? [Deadline]

•Although she certainly sucks, we now know Nancy Grace is not a vampire: The HLN talking hair will be getting her own daytime talk show starting in 2010. It will be called "justice," because that is what Nancy Grace's success proves does not exist in the world. [THR]

•Paul Thomas Anderson ("There Will Be Blood," "Boogie Nights") is directing an upcoming film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. "The Master" will be a period drama about a charismatic guy (Hoffman) who sets up a new religion in 1952. Intense. [Variety]

•Dang, Adam Lambert's crotch has legs: Nearly two weeks after Lambert face-humped (that's humping someone's face) his way into America's hearts and/or minds, it looks like the FCC has kept him from performing as scheduled on Jimmy Kimmel Live: "It's the FCC heat," Lambert tweeted by way of explanation. [LAT]

•Your 52nd annual Grammy Nominees for Album of the Year: Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and The Dave Matthews Band (!?). [Variety]

•Brian Moylan's "The Hills" and "The City" recaps will return next season! (Also, the MTV reality shows "The Hills" and "The City" have been picked up for another season.) [Variety]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
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• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
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• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
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• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
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• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
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• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
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• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
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• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
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• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
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Knowles is scheduled to perform her first ever concert in the land of fezes, camels carpets, pyramids and other obvious, slightly condescending cliches on November 6. Tickets for the show, at the Red Sea resort of Port Ghalib, are going for up to $400, according to a report on Al Arabiya.

But straight outta Cairo, a crazy Islamist MP named Hamdi Hassan, from a gang called The Muslim Brotherhood In Egypt, said he did not want no ho who appears nekkid in no goddamned videos up in his motherfucking hood. (I can't speak Arabic, so I'm choosing to assume this is the way he originally phrased it.) He wants regulators to mount up and get her permission to perform revoked.

"The government is trying to make people indulge in sin and licentiousness to cover up the other crimes it is committing against them," said Hassan in parliament, once again proving that the word 'licentiousness' is only used in such circumstances.

The Brotherhood is under pressure from that government. And various old-school religious nutjobs are fighting with hip, young religious nutjobs within its ranks. So this is seen as a way of making a statement and reminding people that hijabs are good, and booty-shaking is bad.

Last year another spittle-flecked crackpot in Egypt, a cleric called Khaled al-Gindi, likened Shakira to a prostitute and demanded she be banned. But added that he thought she was probably a "nice person." Which makes it all OK because everyone likes a hooker with a heart of gold.

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

After taking center stage last week (where he belongs), babygay Kurt managed to make us cry real tears again this week. Now that he's a hero on the football team (cherish those locker room memories BGK) and come out to just about everyone, we hope that he will stop making us cry real tears. But probably not.

At least this week, he was touching and triumphant. That can't be said for all of the characters, plenty of whom were scheming for their own survival and plenty who were willing to do just about anything to keep their hopes and dreams alive.

Single Ladies: Though this was the first time we'd hear this song, it wasn't the last, and it became more and more public with each time we heard it, taking Babygay Kurt from the shame of his basement to the glory of the football field.

First, a shout out for Kurt's bedroom, which manages to look like a minimalist loft in a highrise in Hell's Kitchen while still being in his father's basement in Lima, Ohio. Way to design on a dime Kurt. He gets the girls over for a little "Single Ladies" YouTube video training, and gets caught by his father. To cover up his shame, Kurt further isolates himself in the closet by lying to his father and telling him that he's straight and on the football team. Dad seems skeptical. Um, duh.

Also in isolation is Quinn, who is pregnant and the president of the celibacy club. Oh, Quinn, you ignorant slut. She tells Finn that he impregnated her when his trick to imagine running over the mailman to keep from "arriving" too early doesn't work, and he makes a mess all over her in the hot tub. She has decided she's keeping the baby, but can't tell her parents—who we assume are conservative—or the rest of the school because, well, she's a giant hypocrite.

Just as Quinn's baby has her trapped, so does Terri's lack of a baby. She finally confesses to her hysterical sister about her hysterical pregnancy. Kendra tells Terri not to tell the truth but to keep lying. We knew we liked Kendra for a reason. Now, where to get a baby (taps index finger on chin)...?

Emma seems like she's in isolation, even though she's still dating Ken. The scowl of dissatisfaction on her face in the lunchroom was enough to make you want to wash your body down in Purell and give her a giant hug and tell her that everything would be spotless for the rest of her life.

Rachel also has to strike out on her own when Will gives Tina (that stuttering Asian girl has a name, and now we know it's Tina!) a West Side Story solo and Rachel revolts because has had a "close personal relationship with that role since the age of one." Another legacy from her gay daddies we're sure. She storms out of rehearsal, and later Will goes to talk some sense into her, but she isn't having it. Will says he wants to give everyone a chance to be a star, but Rachel is only worried about herself. She is drowning in her ambition. She's also not entirely wrong that Will resents her because he knows that he needs her but is sick of dealing with her insecurities and diva antics.

After the breakup of the Accafellas, Sandy is sitting alone in his room—in a red kimono no less—when Sue Motherfucking Sylvester comes to rescue him so that he'll ruin the Glee club. Of course, Sandy accepts and sets off on his quest to steal Rachel away from Glee with Liza Minelli and Celine Dion. Oh, the way the mind of an evil queen works.

"Taking Chances":
Rachel took a chance and tried out for the lead in the school musical which she got, of course. Since Will can no longer give her the spotlight she needs, she has thrown her hat in with Sandy. We just wonder, if they can't even get 12 people for Glee, how the hell are they going to get a full cast for a show of "Cabaret?" Is there a whole different troupe of Babygays that we haven't met yet? If there is, how long before they make Mercedes their queen?

Terri takes a big chance and tracks down Quinn, who initially tells this crazy lady to go screw, but then listens up when Terri tells her how to make her baby pretty. We know that Terri wants to play baby snatcher, and Quinn is probably hip to her bad intentions, but she's risking trusting this woman, because it's her only way out. It's not like her friends from the celibacy club are going to take her for sonograms and throw her a baby shower in the cafeteria after fifth period.

Quinn also risks her future happiness but letting Puck know that he is the father of her child. Though she never did the deed with Finn, she had sex with Puck because he "got [her] drunk on wine coolers and [she] was feeling fat that day." Puck has enough bravado to make people believe he's a big deal, but Quinn sees what he really is, a guy who is going to peak in high school. Instead of dealing with that, she sees more possibilities by lying to Finn and telling him he's the father. That way he can drag her around the country while he plays for a string of different football teams trying to make the pros. At least she got out of Lima!

Taking the biggest gamble is the football team, who needs to break their losing streak. First, they let Babygay Kurt step ball change his way onto the team as the kicker. Following the example of Walter Payton (the only thing I know about him is that he was once in a rap in a Wheaties commecial), they decide that some dancing instruction is in order. They get Mr. Shu and BG Kurt to teach them the "Single Ladies" moves. Apparently what they were already doing wasn't working, so why not something a little unorthodox?

"Tonight": When listening to this West Side Story number, the theme of the whole show finally dawned on us: it's about dreams. In the musical, the big medley—especially the parts by Maria and Tony—dream of an idealized future that is going to be set off by events that are just about to transpire. For the kids in highschool, they feel like their moment is now, and they must do something to open up the door to the great wide future.

Rachel needs to get famous so that people will stop torturing her, Kurt needs to come out so that he can move to Hell's Kitchen and get a minimalist apartment in a high rise and a boyfriend, Will needs to make Glee work so that he can feel like his life is worth something. It's about about making a dream come true.

For no one is this more evident than Quinn. When she tells Finn about the bun in her oven she sobs that she thought she was going to get out of tiny Lima, Ohio. You'd think that the most popular cheerleader in high school would be happy, but Quinn wants something more, and her little fetus sentences her to a life of house coats, soccer practice, and PTA meetings.

The same thing goes for Finn, who needs to go to college to get out of town and who needs to get a scholarship to go to college and needs the football team to win to get a scholarship. While he supports Quinn, he doesn't want the baby, or the losers on the offensive line, to tarnish his future.

Dreamy Puck wants to think of himself as someone whose future is so bright he has to wear shades, but he's really just a hot punk with a mohawk. He seems crushed by the revelation, probably crushed enough to do something rash down the road.

The most shocking dreamer, though, is Sue Motherfucking Sylvester. Even though she's achieved some success—and would like you believe that she's achieved even more—she still feels inadequate. That's why she got herself a spot on the local news spouting off about how Americans need to adopt the punishment of caning and how litter is a good thing because it keeps the garbage men employed and able to by tacos for their families. Some more gems from Sue. However, to keep her show and her dream alive, Cheerios needs to win nationals, which means she needs to squash Glee. The stakes for her are even higher, which means that she's a cornered dog. And when you have a bark and a bite as mean as Sue Sylvester's, everyone else at McKinley better watch the fuck out.

"Single Ladies," Take Two:
Starting in Kurt's basement, we've seen the dance go from being one about isolation to being about public performance. Kurt does it for the football team to "audition for the role of kicker" and now the football team does it in a Hail Mary pass to win their first game in a long time. It befuddles their opponents enough to get them a touchdown. Kurt repeats the song and kicks the winning extra point and is hoisted off to the steamy locker room scene of his dreams.

The confidence this gives our growing babygay helps him to come out to his father, who is begrudgingly supportive and the whole scene made us cry. Way to be who you are, Kurt. As far as TV coming out scenes go, this was one of our favorites, not only for being sweet, but also being pretty real. Even though dad knew the truth, he was still in denial until he heard the words, and even then it's going to take awhile for him to full accept it.

Also performing in public again are Will and Emma, who embrace when the football team wins. Why not save that for when you win regionals, Will? We all need something to look forward to, and once you two finally start doing it, it's all downhill from there. On a side note, Will, sex with a clean freak is never all that fun. If they're not willing to get dirty then, well, they're not willing to get dirty.

But leave it to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to close out the night with a great little speech about making something with your life. She says that performing in front of a cheering crowd is no different than doing a number for a bunch of hecklers and that if you only pretend like they're cheering one day they will be. There's no better sentiment for our desperate band of dancing monkeys than that.

• Lindsay Lohan's a silly, silly brat. The former movie star tried to pull imaginary rank by moving other celebrities' seating assignments to accommodate her sister and two friends. Her little plan took out Juliette Lewis and Christian Siriano's seats, but security stepped in when she tried to reassign Taylor Momsen. That has to sting. [Page Six]
  
  
• President Carter, who's making all sorts of news these days, thinks Kanye acted inappropriately the VMA awards. Carter, you're so hip. [CNN]
  
  
• Sad Mischa Barton's drunken days don't seem to be behind her, for the actress was slurring her words at the G-Star after party. She then danced by herself in the deejay booth. Can't this girl get her act together? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Bassett Baskett must have thought they had a pretty good life, but now that fairy tale's crashing down: the Philadelphia Eagles just dropped Bassett from the team. [NYDN]
  
  
• Abercrombie & Fitch has filed an inane lawsuit against Beyonce because they think her "Sasha Fierce" line of products sounds too much like their perfume, "Fierce." [Reuters]
  
  
• Megan Fox admits that she's "aggressive, hurtful, domineering and selfish." We believe her. [LA Times]
  
  
• Madonna's brother thinks she looks like "Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong." Eck! We can't imagine such a thing. [E!]
  
  
• That was fast! Burt Reynolds has already left rehab for his addiction to pain killers. [AP]
  
  
• Those royals sure can be rude: Queen Elizabeth's sister, Princess Margaret, burned letters sent from Princess Diana to the Queen Mother. Margaret thought she was respecting her family's privacy, she claims, but we think she was just being mean. [Telegraph]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer is pissed that the family's former nanny is speaking out about how she had sex with him. Honestly, he should be commending her courage. [Us Weekly]
  
  
• Someone pulled a gun on Paris Hilton's "BF" Doug Reinhardt at a club in LA. He wasn't hurt, thankfully. Wait, who the hell is Doug Reinhardt? [TMZ]

Well, we're a little more civilized than that, but we're up for some spirited debate.

Moylan: As Guest of Guest points out, the whole things seems too good to be true, and too many people benefit. Everyone has sympathy for Swift, everyone loves Beyoncé (more), everyone thinks Kayne is (more of) a dick, and everyone is talking about MTV for the first time in a long time. Sure, it wasn't as obviously planned and Madonna kissing Britney Spears, but with a little bit of acting and canny planning, this is a publicity masterpiece.

Rushfield: Well that is the most half-baked argument I have ever heard. As any scientist or detective can tell you, motive alone is not enough to convict for a crime. Yes, MTV likes controversy, but their fake controversies in the past—eg. Bruno falling on Eminem—ham-handedly telegraph "this is a stunt" a mile off. Last night, you saw a moment of genuine awkwardness production-wise after Kanye took the mic when the booth seemed to stumble and be unsure about cutting away—not the hallmark of a pre-planned, pre-coreographed stunt.

Moylan: But why Swift so readily give up the mic? And how did Kanye get such easy access to the stage? I think it all started on the red carpet, where Kanye was conspicuously drinking from a bottle of booze and Beyoncé was talking up how she hoped that Swift would "get her moment" at the awards. It all just seems like foreshadowing for the unfortunate event. As for the production, well, WWE has been pulling stunts like this and making them look real(ish) for years.

Rushfield: Brian Moylan, your conspiratorial mind is seeing shadows everywhere. Why did she give up the mic so readily? First, she's a teenage girl, probably in a daze at the greatest moment of her life. Suddenly, there is Kanye West in her face grabbing her at hand, would you put up a fight? If that were me and I was a teenage Taylor I would just be shocked and think he was about to do some tribute to me or make a speech about Michael Jackson or something. The conspicuously drinking—well, its not the first time Kanye has done that either. Beyoncé wishing Taylor well does create a very neat circle, but a bit too neat to be planned.

If you were going to set this up as a stunt, would you really throw in a foreshadow like that? And why shouldn't she wish Taylor well. Just because your heart is filled with a hate for a young Southern girl who is the first non-tramp role model America's teenage girls have had in a decade, doesn't mean Beyoncé's heart is also made of coal. What needs to be examined here, Brian Moylan, is why you are so committed to locking the sunlight out of your life. To paraphrase Kelly Clarkson, in her letter to Kanye, What happened to you as a child Brian Moylan?

Moylan: It's not about what happened to me as a child, but what has happened to the celebrity industrial complex in my scant years on the planet. We have entered an age where every word that comes out of a celebrity's mouth, every outfit they wear, every Starbuck Mocha Frappachino they are photographed with by the paparazzi has prescripted, chosen, or placed. Every moment that we see in regards to the famous has been carefully planned out by professionals to make people money and to make all those teenage girls clamoring for a virgin queen like Taylor Swift buy more albums or her fragrance or House of Dereon jeans or Mocha Frappachinos. In a universe where everything is fake and for sale how can anything—from Kanye's outrage, to Taylor's sadness, to Beyoncé's righteousness—be genuine. Mr. Rushfield sees a magic bullet, but I see a man on the grassy knoll.

Rushfield: You make some important points and somewhat shame me in my wide-eyed innocence. But I think your argument is ultimately too cynical and not cynical enough. My basic rule of showbiz is that if things go perfectly, its by accident. Especially on a big live production, there are too many mix-ups, confusions and chaos for things to really fall into place like that. You are comparing it to the sparkling surface of Nivea ad on a bus bench, but in a live production environment, you never get anything that shiny. And besides, isn't it just a better world if you can just turn off your mind and just believe that last night a little blonde southern girl got the moment of her life ruined for her by a drunken hip-hop artist but then was saved by the Good Witch Beyoncé? Isn't that a happier place for us all to live?

In a bit of a surprise, singer Taylor Swift won the Best Female Video for her track "You Belong With Me." Sure, many of us aren't familiar with this 19-year old country girl's entertainment outputs, but that's really no excuse for Mr. West, a man so consumed by his own fame that he has no respect for fellow travelers in the starosphere, to take the mic and declare Beyonce and her silly "All The Single Ladies" video the real winner. "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," he declared, although that's wrong on more than one level.

Honestly, Kayne, you look like an asshole. More so than usual. This poor girl had a moment to shine and, as is apparent by her reaction, you stole that and ruined what should have been a proud moment. That's mean and childish and you should be publicly shamed. Oh, wait. Your own fame guarantees that. Good.

As for Beyonce. She looked somewhat appalled, albeit under the guise of self-conscious humility. Well done, Ms. Knowles. And especially well done for inviting Swift to the stage when you won the video of the year award. A bit of class in an otherwise ugly world.

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

July 24 @ 11pm Was sitting in VIP seats last night at the Beyoncé concert in NJ when I noticed a large group walking behind us. It was Joe Jackson with around 12 young girls either going backstage with Beyoncé or leaving the show.

July 25 @ 2:20pm Saw Joe Jackson outside the Hard Rock Café in Times Square. Surrounded by people taking pictures, he seemed all too happy to oblige.
[Submit Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

According to Diddy, Jackson showed up at the party and the two of them settled eventually into a booth, where Jackson put his arm around him and whispered, "Where's Beyonce?" After they were introduced, Jackson and Beyonce then proceeded to dance the night away. This was pre-Jay-Z, obviously, because Jay wouldn't have been down with any of that.

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

• There's a John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape out there, says a former Edwards aide, Andrew Young, in a book proposal that is "impossible to put down." He also makes a few interesting claims that, you know, could be substantial to Edwards' career if they turn out to be true: John Edwards is the father of Young's baby with Hunter, contrary to a statement Young made last year, because his loyalty to Edwards ran deep (?!). Young essentially took the fall for Hunter's baby. Other stuff: John Edwards was waiting for Elizabeth Edwards to die so he and Hunter could get married. Elizabeth Edwards believes Young stole the baseball card collection of Wade Edwards. It kind of gets crazier and crazier. The book got picked up by St. Martin's. [R&M]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin played Frisbee with his kids and then drove around on an ATV together. In other words: fun! Jon Gosselin is finally having fun with his kids! Maybe for the first time, ever. This should be headline news, but it shouldn't be, because now that the show is on hiatus, I guess paparazzi should just leave their house? What's it like to have to be a Jon and Kate paparazzi, though? Really: think about the guy who gets that assignment. "Aw, what the fuck? I have to go to Pennsylvania again?!" It'd be especially bad if you hated kids. That is all. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Elliot Spitzer was at lunch talking to LMDC executive director Avi Schick about Mark Sanford, and he was all like, "Yea, gangster, wassup. At least I didn't tell none those hoes that I lubbed 'em. You know?!" Also, he bragged about not using taxpayer money to pay for his kicks. Comparatively, he's got a point. Other than that, it doesn't really mean shit. In other news, VH1 is putting the development of "The Disgraced Governor's Guide to Crazy Hot Tail" into overdrive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon and his brother hiked up a mountain to play a tribute concert for Farrah Fawcett while raising money to fight cancer. Honestly, what can't Kevin Bacon do? I think he's now, like, four degrees from sainthood. Still six from Malcolm Jamal-Warner, but, you know, what can you do. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jay-Z and Beyonce partied at a Roots show at the Highline Ballroom, where The Roots have a residency. This isn't surprising, because almost everybody in New York has gone or will go to see The Roots play at the Highline Ballroom, now. It's like taking the subway. [R&M]
  
  
• Michael Musto's going to be playing chaplain to gay couples getting married tonight. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's another cheap item implying Lindsey Lohan does blow. In other news, I need coffee and a cigarette, the sun is kind of yellow, and your mom wants you to give her a call. Seriously, like, slow news day, Showbiz Spy? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Katie Couric doesn't want her picture taken. By wide decree of the land, and so it was. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cindy Adams makes a joke about South Carolina: "The state beverage is milk." That being said, Cindy Adams beverage of choice must be an arsenic spritzer, because the rest of the column is indiscernable nonsense (but fun crazy old lady indiscernible nonsense!). [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox must stop licking her lips at once! [WWTDD]

• TMZ is reporting that someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester and her ex-boyfriend having sex. The tape is supposedly a few years old but features Leighton showing off her "very talented feet." Let your imagination run with that one! [TMZ]
  
  
• Poor Robert Pattinson was just trying to shop for some books at The Strand when he was being harassed by those pesky teenage girls who were trying to sex him right there in the store, so he ran away into the street and got clipped by a cab. What a punk. [NY Post]
  
  
• Jennifer Garner obviously thinks that Kevin Smith is a fat, vulgar slob, according to Kevin Smith, and she is doing everything she can to destroy the man-love that exists between Smith and her husband, Ben Affleck. [Daily News]
  
  
• When Brian WIlliams leaves the news desk to broadcast from the newsroom, producers run all the fatties out and bring in the good-looking interns to pretty up the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has been dumped from the Britain's Got Talent tour after she launched into a bizarre rant about her beloved cat, Pebbles. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Beyonce has pissed off some Chelsea club owner because she had agreed to make an appearance at the club's opening for $100,000 but backed out at the last minute. What's a $100,000 these days anyway? [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still terrorizing England. The other night she was playing a show in Manchester when she became confused about where she was and yelled out, "what's up London?!" This didn't go over well with the Brits, who are sensitive to these kinds of things. [Sun]
  
  
• Kristen Bell is looking all hot in these pictures of her running around on the beach in Hawaii, but then there's a picture of her playing around in the water with her boyfriend, Dax Shepard, and that just kills all fantasies completely. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Christiano Ronaldo brought three girls back to hotel, not for a foursome or anything like that mind you, but for Pepsi and checkers and an episode of Fawlty Towers or something, because that's what European soccer stars do. [Sun]

• Gisele Bundchen is reportedly preggers with Tom Brady's baby. The 18-to-44 year-old male demographic throughout New England yet again begin ritualistic sacrifices of their own children as they pray for a better, stronger, faster, functioning-knee enabled, penis-equipped fetus to emerge from the holy Brazilian loins of Ms. Bundchen. [NYDN]

  
  

• Clay Aiken apologizes to his fellow alien from Planet Karaoke, Adam Lambert, for openly communicating his displeasure with Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire" to the heavens. His opening salvo: ""Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA" Professors who devote their lives' work to post-modernism wake up in the middle of the night, start crying, and begin furiously scribbling away. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Beyonce's advice to women: You look gross when you're emaciated, stop going to the gym obsessively, we look good with some skin on us, you know? In other news, call volume to 1-900-Mix-A-Lot surges exponentially. [NYDN]

  
  

• Kiefer Sutherland and the Guy He Head-Butted issue a joint statement noting that any bad blood between them is gone. Meanwhile, after you read the term "head-butt" so many times, it starts to get funny. Because, you know, what if he butt-headed the guy? Just sayin'. [E!]

  
  

• Twilight looker Robert Pattinson gets some can in Cannes from a random. Teenage girls everywhere begin to file down their "fangs," ready their slambooks, and generally prepare to "slay that bitch." [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  
  

• The KKK (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney) materialize at some party in South Beach, their publicist gets hit in the head with a camera (apropos, much?), and Kourtney's all like "BACK THE FUCK UP!" which is hysterical because it's maybe the most articulate thing she's ever said. [Page Six]

  
  

• Like Christopher Hitchens and some Playboy blogger before him, Radio "shock" jock Mancow is not only still around, but apparently, got waterboarded. And nobody gives a shit. [TMZ]

  
  

• Beef, uncooked: Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray have put the guns down, and will sign a peace accord, thus putting Food Network executives' concerns that they'd have to erect a tower-guarded twenty foot wall between their studios to rest. [Gatecrasher]

  
  

• Potential New Kickdog-Replacing Hollywood Accessory: bunnies, as evidenced by Nicole Richie's baby's daddy (did I get that right?) Benji Madden walking out of a Coffee Bean with one. Or he's going to eat it. Here's hoping he won't, because you know you want to see Christian Bale taking one of those to the gym. In fact, we're all about Hollywood adopting bizarre-ass pets to carry with them. Next should be a baby anteater. Seriously. [D-Listed]