Sure, he saved a pair of truth-seeking reporters from the hellish nightmare that is a lifetime of hard labor in a dictatorial communist nation—but, c'mon.

Americans love happy endings, and they got a big one on Aug. 4, 2009 ... Witnessing it was a gift I'll always treasure. Soon they walked off the plane into the embrace of their families, their country, and good people all over the world-now that's a happy ending. We should make more of them.

Also, Bill is wrong, because The Miracle on the Hudson was clearly the happiest ending of the decade, not least because it had both kinds of happy endings.

George W. Bush's last Thanksgiving proclamation actually mentioned Pilgrims! But—no Indians.

In that proclamation, it was, indeed, the Author of Life (Almighty God) who was personally responsible for "granting" the Pilgrims "safe passage to this abundant land and protecting them through a bitter winter." Thanks, God, though our first Muslim Atheist Kenyan president remembers it a bit differently:

We also recognize the contributions of Native Americans, who helped the early colonists survive their first harsh winter and continue to strengthen our Nation.

There were no Indians, or Native Americans, or Indigenous People, in any of Bush's proclamations. There was some 9/11 in the 2001 proclamation, obviously.

Last year President Bush encouraged "all Americans to gather together in their homes and places of worship with family, friends, and loved ones...." President Obama encourages "all the people of the United States to come together, whether in our homes, places of worship, community centers, or any place where family, friends and neighbors may gather...." (Emphasis added—by ACORN!)

But! Obama was not the first to rep for being thankful in places other than home and church! Clinton also encouraged Americans to gather at home, at places of worship, or at community centers. And so did Bush! In 2001, 2002, and 2003. It was not until 2004 that Americans were no longer encouraged to gather in these community centers. This is presumably because of John Kerry. (Clinton also referenced those Natives who disappeared from Bush's proclamations.)

Clinton never made reference to Lincoln, and Washington only showed up once. Bush Sr. made one Lincoln reference. Reagan, plenty. On the whole, Bush I's proclamations were a little more ambitious, and a little less rote. They included primary sources and historical arcana!

Truthfully, this is an uninspiring first effort from our most literary president in a generation. Barely an improvement over Bush Jr. Let's hope he spends a little more time on it next year.

[Photo: AFP]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

To commemorate the event, in addition to We the People, Edward Norton's HBO documentary that brought a tear to Obama's eye (aww, remember when everybody loved him?), campaign manager David Plouffe has a new memoir out called The Audacity to Win.

Writing about a race that included days that felt like "having your legs amputated in the morning and your arms at night", Plouffe's might be the more interesting of the two projects, especially as the excerpt suggests he doesn't feel the need to mask his true feelings about a great many issues. For example:

He was shocked by how serious Obama was about Hillary Clinton -

Neither Ax nor I were fans of the Hillary option. We saw her obvious strengths, but we thought there were too many complications, both pre-election and postelection, should we be so fortunate as to win. Still, we were very careful not to object too forcefully. This needed to be his call.

Eventually, Obama decided threesomes weren't his thing and inviting Hillary to the table would almost certainly bring Bill as well.

When you're in a room with Biden, only one man does the talking. And that man is not you.

Evan Bayh was so perfect, it was kind of creepy. And Tim Kaine was a nice guy who thought it was nice of them to meet with him but even he knew that it was a long shot.

Obama didn't think it was a great idea to start knocking Sarah Palin right off the bat. Plouffe disagreed but said alright.

"Look," I told him, "simply say that you're adding your own personal voice, one principal to another." He acknowledged that he understood and would watch his words. "We'll send out a personal statement from you and Biden," I said, "but it's important you not suggest we misfired on the original statement. Don't throw the campaign under the bus."

So guess what Obama did? He threw them right under that bus.

These are probably not the sort of things you're likely to see in We the People, which comes from a much simpler place:

Amy Rice: I watched his convention speech in ‘04 and I was really impressed with what he had to say. I felt for the first time that he was a politician of my generation. And if you think back at that time. the country was so divided. and he was saying something new and something different. "We're not blue states, we're not red states, we're the United States." I bought his book and read his story. and he has an incredible, modern-day story, and that's how the idea was conceived.

Edward Norton: When I watch it, one of the first things I saw that I was most pleased about was that it succeeded as a film apart from access to Obama. I think when it really started to gel for me is when these guys showed it to me, and things like the Iowa section-I really had never understood caucus politics until I saw it.

But taken together, the two perfectly feed the still-simmering fascination with the Obama campaign, even if the Presidency has taken the shine off Barack.

Well, if these are any indication, Obama likes a place with a good reputation, nothing too spicy or out of the ordinary, and prefers to be downtown, especially in the Village. His visits may temporarily cost restaurants business because of the crowd outside and the inconvenience of Secret Service agents, but they make up for it in the extreme afterwards because of the flocks of Obama-loving yuppies who will pay dearly for a bit of the nation's first family sheen.

Restaurant: Blue Hill
Location: 75 Washington Place
Date: May 30, 2009
Occassion: Date night with Michelle
Description: "Blue Hill's menu showcases local food and a wine list with producers who respect artisanal techniques. Ingredients come from nearby farms...Guests can choose from the regular menu or opt for the 'Farmer's Feast,' a five-course tasting inspired by the week's harvest."
Meal: Ate from the tasting menu. Barack had wine, Michelle had two martinis, that lush.
What Critics Say: "Although not as extreme or innovative as Craft, Blue Hill is the city's other seminal Greenmarket haven, so expect a certain amount of hushed reverence here, a certain amount of ecstatic whispering about the quality of the summer peas." [NY Mag]
What It Says about Obama: He likes to support local agriculture, while keeping a low profile.

Il Mulino
Location: 86 West 3rd St.
Date: September 14, 2009
Occasion: Lunch with Bill Clinton
Description: "Il Mulino...brings the Italian tradition of fine food and hospitality to your table. Simple, straightforward, wholesome and always fresh—it's the Il Mulino tradition."
Meal: Both had fish, pasta, and salad.
What Critics Say: "For more space, more invention and more restrained portions and sauces, you go elsewhere. But for trend-resistant cooks and tuxedoed waiters eager to pummel you into gastronomic submission, you go to Il Mulino." [NY Times]
What It Says Obama: He likes a safe place with a good name recognition. Also, he's trying to keep Bubba out of McDonalds.

Craftsteak
Location: 85 10th Ave
Date: October 20, 2009
Occasion: We're not sure yet.
Description: "Craftsteak New York redefinies the concept of a steakhouse by focusing on beef sourced from the world's top ranchers and artisanal producers and dry-aging it in the restaurant's own aging room."
Meal: He's probably placing his order right now. Suggestions?
What Critics Say: "The decor of the place is beautiful. I would definitely go there again, but would try something different. Love this new area it is located in. The last time I was in that area (16 or so years ago) it was swarming with prostitutes and some really bad looking ones at that!" [Yelp]
What It Says about Obama: He likes something that is sure to please everyone and won't be too controversial. Just like his policy decisions!

[Image via Getty]

LA Times technology writer Mark Milian discovered the glitch yesterday evening and went to check out Bill Clinton's protected account to see what he could find.

Simply type in site:twitter.com/billclinton into google (or replace bill's account with any protected twitter account name) and voila! Here's what we found...

Bummer. It cuts off just before the good stuff. Well one clever Gawker commenter named Sasha found a way around that.

Doing a search with "Hillary" appended to it, reveals tweets way too outrageous to be from the actual Bill Clinton:

This result comes when appending "hooker" to the search:

I suspect that the tweets belong to someone who had registered the @billclinton account previously and made those tweets before the real Clinton took control of the account. The old tweets are still in the Google Cache from when the @billclinton imposter held the public account.

Some further digging revealed that many of those results have been moved over to the @notbillclinton account.

• Dear Twilight fans, I'm not the only one who thinks your property is boring and stupid. Kristen Stewart does, too! Princess Frumpire thinks talking about Twilight is boring because she has to talk about it all the time. "The sad thing is that I feel so boring because Twilight is literally how every conversation I have these days begins - whether it's someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I just haven't seen in a while. The first thing I want to say to them is, ‘It's insane! And, as a person, I can't do anything!' But then I think to myself, God damn it, shut the fuck up." Oh, no, Frumpracula, keep talking. If you want to get back at your psychotic teenage vampire fans, just tell them all what it's like to have sex with Bobert Patterson. They'll all scream like, well, vampires, the real kind, the ones that explode when sunlight hits them. And if you could make all Twilight fans explode out of pop culture existence, that'd be fine, too. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jimmy Kimmel is so over Sarah Silverman, and is now dating one of his show's co-head writers, Molly McNearney. Kimmel's 41, McNearney's 31. The best part about the story, really, is the sole comment that's been left on the page: "Better wed her quick now. A wife can't be made to testify." Word. Also, oh, hey, remember that one time we were pretty sure McNearney had it going on with Kimmel long before this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Wow, Daily News is really on fire with the galleries. They call this masterwork "Hottie and the Nottie" based on a list of celebs who are with guys maybe supposedly uglier than them. Wonderful. So you're saying I have a chance? Etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus is a shitty tipper. She got $70 worth of food to go and didn't tip because she didn't know you were supposed to tip when you get takeout. Girlfriend. Sigh. Even worse: she was a shitty tipper at Outback Steakhouse. Why hasn't this been done yet? A list of Hollywood's shittiest tippers. I need to get on that. That way, these people could never eat in a restaurant without being shamed again. There's only one person who can get away with not tipping, and he's fake. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team known as Rush and Molloy set their trained sights this week on...Marc Rich? Yes. Marc Rich. The sketchy billionaire was pardoned by Bill Clinton, and he's been in exile in Switzerland. He didn't come back to America because of one man: Rudy Giuliani. Can you blame him? [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher thinks Roman Polanski should just come back and go to jail. In other news, since Bill Maher didn't condemn Roman Polanski to die by sharks with buzzsaws attached to their faces, Bill Maher is pro-rape. You heard it here first. [NYP]
  
  
• Anderson Cooper was riding in Chelsea yesterday without a helmet. [NYP] I'll be here all day, folks.
  
  
• No, you can't. Giuliani made a young couple who had his old seats at Yankee stadium switch it up because he told Judith he wanted them back. Security swooped up the young couple, put them where Giuliani was sitting before, and plopped them back in their old seats. Giuliani, if you ever did that to me, I'd pour a beer on your head and put it on Deadspin. I don't know why this couple didn't do that. Honestly. That's beer-on-head meriting behavior. Dick. [NYP]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin: familiarize your self with the term "putz." It's Yiddish for "Jon Gosselin." Jon says he's going to be celebrating Hanukkah this year because everyone in his life is Jewish right now. No, really. That's what he said: "Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great....They gave her a free tummy tuck, worth $20 grand." Okay, Daily News, I don't know if you took the end of that quote out of context or what, but Jesus, really? Really. And he has holiday plans, too: "I'll see my kids [on Christmas] during the day for a couple of hours." [NYDN]
  
  
• Is A-Rod hitting better because of Kate Hudson's attendance at Yankees games? asks the Daily News. They even find some college professors to talk to about this kind of thing. And you know this is the highlight of these guys' week. Not that they made some kind of advancement in the field of psychology or whatever, no, it's that they get to talk about A-Rod getting laid in relation to the number of times he can bat someone in from third base. Ah, academics. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a gallery of celebrities running. It's oddly compelling in that "I will not eat this sandwich" kind of way. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tiger Woods is cheating on Gatorade with some kind of "focus drink." Adderall juice? Gimme. [NYDN]
  
  
• T.I.'s doing time for a weapons conviction—always, these guys, with the guns. Oy.—but that won't stop him from winning awards while he's in the slammer. No bars can hold The People from throwing down bars. It's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's a new book called "Growing up Bin Laden" coming out, and it's about growing up in Osama Bin Laden's family. Whee! The best part's when they move to Bel-Air for a while because Afghanistan got too rough during the early 90s. Hijinks ensued. [NYP]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's staying in New York. Suck it, LA. We've got Barton. Who do you have? Seriously. [NYP]
  
  
• So, Page Six's big story is that Madonna's not working out with Tracy Anderson anymore. Anderson's the trainer used by Gwyneth Paltrow to get Goop-y with it. The most exciting part of the story, however, is at the bottom. They totally buried the lede on this. You see, Tracy Anderson was apparently arrested for failing to pay a chimney sweep. The Dickens? Exactly! Dickens-esque, no? [NYP]

And, in celebration of T.I.'s award, we should all be able to feel liberated under imprisonment. Me, in front of my computer. You, in front of your computer. Princess Frumpire, in front of her Bobert Patterson. All of us, in the universe! Or something. I don't know. Here's an awesome song. Happy Sunday! Live your life! I'm gonna go eat a bagel.

[Photo via DZilla/JK/Bauer-Griffin]

Such allegations against Thomas go way back: two claims against him — one in 1999 and 2001 — were dismissed, but other inmates have since come forward to accuse Thomas of wacking them with a paddle and accepting oral or anal sex in exchange for reduced jail time, which sounds fair to us, but we have a messed up sense of justice.

Anyway, the accused are just convicts. What do they know? Maybe nothing, but investigators also found semen from at least one inmate in the carpet of Thomas' office, an office many of the accusers described in detail. It's all pretty damning, so the judge better have a great explanation. And he does! According to Thomas, a Democrat who worked in the primarily Republican Mobile County district, it's all just politics.

Even the judge's lawyer — a man called Robert "Cowboy Bob" Clark — isn't convinced by that flimsy argument, so he's pinning it all on racism. According to Clark, this whole trial, which he calls a "high-tech lynching," stems from the fact that people don't like black folk: "They don't like uppity black folks, and that's what they consider Herman." Well, that was said delicately.

Race sometimes works, but this doesn't seem like that kind of case — especially since all of the accusers are black — so Clark's also working another angle: the statute of limitations on the allegations, the last one of which took place in 2007, has expired. Prosecutors, however, aren't budging. In fact, they're just throwing on more fuel on the lurid fire.

In addition to the kidnapping, extortion, ethics and sex abuse charges against him, prosecutors have also filed sodomy charges, which is pretty funny since sodomy laws were deemed unconstitutional. No matter. The s-word lends instant outrage to such things, because it's gay and yucky. And the palatable distaste extends to assistant DA Nicki Paterson's take on the ethics charges:

If someone has a sexual fetish that involves beating young males without their pants up and that is sexually stimulating to them, then for them that's a thing of value.

Yes, this story has it all — race, politics, kinky sex, a potential closet case, thinly veiled homophobia — but just when you thought it couldn't become any more of a cluster fuck, check this: in 1997, supporters rallied Bill Clinton to name Thomas the first black federal judge in the district, but the nomination never came to fruition. Sad Thomas didn't measure up in the bar association.

The late '90s were a heady time for the late-night monologist, with all the easy jokes about stained blue dresses, cigars, crawling under the desk, and blow jobs in the Oval Office that the protracted Lewinsky/Clinton scandal delivered them on a silver platter with the White House seal emblazoned on it. Letterman made such a franchise out of it, he had a hard time letting the convention die. Now that everyone knows he's been giving it to members of his own staff, he's going to have to endure the sting of the same jibes from Leno, O'Brien, Fallon, and even poor, forgotten Kimmel.

Here's a compendium of some of his comedic gems that have turned themselves into barbs:

Monica Lewinsky's Top Ten Nicknames for Bill Clinton"

10. Puffy the Intern Slayer
9. Sheriff Bubba
8. The Chief Sexecutive
7. Unnamed High-Ranking Official
6. My Sweet Impeachable You
5. The Little Rock Rascal
4. El Presidente del Armor
3. Tubby Dearest
2. Commander-in-Briefs
1. Free Willie 2

[Source]

"Now we hear that Monica has sued the President for $1,000,002.50. That's one million for pain and suffering and $2.50 for dry cleaning."

"I really have to hand it to the White House. Around here we can't even get the interns to work the copy machine."

[Source]

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."

"Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office."

"No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room."
— David Letterman

[Source]

"Monica Lewinsky has her own show on HBO. I have not seen it yet but I understand it's getting very good word of mouth." -David Letterman

"Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live tonight. Monica really liked Larry King. Actually, she likes any guy with a desk."

[Source]

"Over the weekend President Clinton's dog Buddy died. It is a heartbreaking thing because Buddy was a great dog. Buddy could rollover, Buddy would beg. Buddy could catch things in his mouth - wait a minute - I'm sorry. I am thinking of Monica."

"President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica."

"It turns out now that Bill Clinton ... he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he'll throw his sex video, 'Too Hot for the Starr Report.' ... The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. ... The people that have listened to them say you can't really hear anything because of the sound of Monica's head thumping on the desk."

"The House has approved drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness. Say what you will about Clinton, but he was only interested in drilling in the Oval Office."

"Bush went to Wisconsin, to a Harley Davidson factory and rode a motorcycle. It's the biggest thing a president has ridden since ... I just can't bring myself to throw that joke away."

"Well, President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. You know, I think it's changing his life, kind of brightening him up. He's teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll-over, you know, just like he did with the interns."

[Source]

During his tenure at the Late Show, Letterman's made mad bank on using public figures and their public disgraces as his "comedic" inspiration. There could be a book of his Clinton-inspired knee-slappers, like this one, "No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room." Oh, ha! Monica Lewinsky blew Clinton while he was president. And now we learn that Letterman banged his lady underlings.

Letterman's admission makes us — and Howard Kurtz, sort of — wonder whether Letterman, who also admitted he'll do anything to protect his job, should be shamed as he's shamed others.

He's a famous, rich and, to some, charming man — the fact that he screwed staffers should raise serious ethical questions, like "Did he use his power and influence to take advantage of the women?" Even if he didn't do so intentionally, it's certainly possible that's the case and he's just as guilty as those he's lampooned. But perhaps we should give him some wiggle room here.

Although we're not in awe of how he handled this, we're surprisingly impressed by the amount of self-skewering he mustered while discussing the potential for embarrassment. That impression, however, was rapidly shattered when he revealed his "true" intentions: protect these women — oh, and his family, self and, again, his job.

The entire thing came off as more of a relatively humorous, if not laudatory, apology than a phony, manufactured plea for forgiveness. But isn't the former better than the latter, especially since he's been calling the kettle black this whole time? The audience certainly thinks so: they clapped and laughed and lapped up the entire bit.

Will the public — and, most importantly, CBS — do the same?

To be fair, Clinton didn't have much of a choice, because Meet the Press host David Gregory asked the former President whether the so-called conspiracy, first assessed by Hillary Clinton, still exists, to which Clinton replied in the affirmative.

Sure it is. It's not as strong as it was, because America has changed demographically. But it's as virulent as it was. I mean, they're saying things about him. You know, it's like when they accused me of murder, and all that stuff they did. ... But ... it's not really good for the Republicans and the country, what's going on now. I mean, they may be hurting President Obama. They can take his numbers down. They can run his opposition up. But, fundamentally, he and his team have a positive agenda for America. Their agenda seems to be wanting him to fail.

Well duh they want him to fail. But, that's beside the point, because the "conspiracy," if it should even be called that, may actually be more powerful than the one that worked against Clinton. With all the new media outlets, not to mention Fox News, it's easier to mobilize the masses and work them into a fury. No, there's no impeachment planned, but there are even more complicated and insidious roadblocks at the right's disposal.

And, sadly for the big O, Clinton's comments are only going to fan the flames. If there's one man the ultra-right hate more than Obama, it's Bubba, and having him jump in the fray will simply embolden and further ostracize the President's critics. Plus, a sizable amount of Clinton's drama came from his, shall we say, encounters with Monica Lewinsky. Injecting that particular memory into the right's already petulant collective consciousness could create a sticky, stinky brew of fresh Obama hate.

Oh, look: Ann Coulter's already ranting about "semen stained Kleenex." Great.

• She's unlucky in love and the frequent butt of jokes, but now that her dog's dead, Jessica Simpson's friends think the singer "will put her into the worst place ever" and send her into a "tailspin." The final straw comes in many forms. [People]
  
  
• The investigation into Anna Nicole Smith's death took some twists this week. Court documents reveal that a pharmacist tried to warn Anna Nicole Smith's doctors that her over-the-top pill-popping was bad news. One described the drugs prescribed after her son's death as "pharmaceutical suicide." Meanwhile, court documents show proof that the doctors — psychiatrist, Dr. Khristine Eroshevich, and internist, Sandeep Kapoor — had sexual contact with Smith.[LA Times]
  
  
• John Travolta will take the stand in the Bahamas today to testify in a trial against a paramedic and lawyer who are accused of using information on his son's death to extort $25 million. [People]
  
  
• Nick Prugo, the 18-year old who police think broke in Lindsay Lohan's house, was spotted hanging out with the actress on the set of her straight-to-tv movie, Labor Pains. Prugo, by the way, was busted for cocaine possession back in February. [TMZ]
  
  
• Mad women were trying to get into Barack Obama's pants during the campaign, and that really pissed off Michelle. So, what did the future first lady do? She gave him the silent treatment. And, maybe, had a female campaign staffer sent into exile on Martinique. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tax dollars well-spent: The Clinton tapes reveal that secret service agents once had to maintain order when a drunken, underwear-clad Boris Yeltsin tried to hail a cab to go get pizza. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff went to the hospital this weekend because of ear infection medicine, not booze. That's what he says, at least. [Page Six]
  
  
• All of the Los Angeles Lakers have been invited to Khloe Kardashian's wedding to forward Lamar Odom. [TMZ]
  
  
• Oh, the humanity! Anna Wintour had to sit next to Alexa Chung and Pixie Geldof during a show at London's fashion week. And she doesn't look happy. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin's broke down in tears recently because she was filming a talk show, is going through a divorce and misses her eight children. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chaz Bono, who's currently transitioning from female to male, will write a memoir called Coming Clean. [TMZ]

Sociopathic narcissist Bill Clinton began his own Legacy Project in September 1993, nine months into his first term, by inviting historian Taylor Branch to periodically come to the White House and interview him. Clinton kept the tapes—there were 79 interviews in all—and hid them in his sock drawer, next to the stack of copies of Leaves of Grass he kept to give to all the interns he was fucking.

Branch made his own tapes, though, recounting back what Clinton had said as he drove home from each interview, and he's written a 700-plus page book about them, USA Today reports. After Clinton's 1,000-plus page My Life, we imagine the market in self-justificatory wallowing is pretty well tapped, but there are some funny bits:

[Branch] also relayed how Boris Yeltsin's late-night drinking during a visit to Washington in 1995 nearly created an international incident. The Russian president was staying at Blair House, the government guest quarters. Late at night, Clinton told Branch, Secret Service agents found Yeltsin clad only in his underwear, standing alone on Pennsylvania Avenue and trying to hail a cab. He wanted a pizza, he told them, his words slurring.

How does the leader of a nuclear-armed superpower end up drunk on the streets of the capital of his former imperial archenemy in the middle of the night without newspapers reporting this fact? How many reporters are there in Washington, D.C.? Is it possible that Taylor never let that little nugget slip at a dinner party? That Clinton never clued in his notoriously leaky staff? The October 1995 trip on which Yeltsin's hunger for pizza got the better of him was timed to a U.N. meeting, and Clinton and Yeltsin were discussing crucial issues about the war in Bosnia. Yeltsin was gearing up for re-election in Russia at the time. Disclosure of his drunken late-night underwear-clad romp could have been catastrophic.

Everyone knew Yeltsin was a drunk, but for some reason all the papers kept pretending he was a statesman. Here's the Washington Post's take on the same trip: "He ... put on a demonstration of his personal prowess in foreign policy, coming on for the Russian public as the man in charge, the one who can make the American connection work. The gritty problem of the command of Russian peacekeeping forces in Bosnia he deftly handed off to a professional tough guy, Defense Minister Pavel Grachev. Not a day as great as he proclaimed, but not a bad day for him, politically speaking, either."

The night after his pizza escapade, Yeltsin got drunk and tried to leave again, according Branch. He ran into a guard who mistook him for a "drunken intruder."

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

If you have pics you'd like us to add to this important historical archive of the moment, please email them to tips@gawker.com, or use the Twitter hashtag #gawkerstalker.

After delivering an address on the anniversary of Lehman Bros' collapse, Obama traveled to 86 West Third Street to meet Clinton. Image via Jose Antonio Marquez Russo's Brite Kite.

Image via Jack Gray's Twitter.

Image via Eater.

Image by Noah Devereaux.

Image by Noah Devereaux.

Image by Noah Devereaux.

Image by Jacqueline Bryant.

• As predicted, the DA dropped the charges against Shawne Merriman alleging that he'd physically abused Tila Tequila late one night last week. Because, really, when was the last time someone with the surname "Tequila" was a credible witness? Guilty until proven Herradura, at least. Meanwhile, Merriman continues on his jolly way back to the first week of the NFL season, where he will take place in a delicate sport populated by upstanding young men whose clean-cut reputation for this kind of thing moves further along. Oh, and lesson for all of you: don't go crazy on Twitter next time you get cops involved. Because it just means you're guilty or lying. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and it sounds like Merriman proposed to have a foursome with him, Tequila (Tila), and two other women, who he had over at his house when Ms. Tequila showed up. At the time, Tila went batshit like any girlfriend reasonably would, and Merriman had to restrain her, and there's a one week gossip cycle. Next. [NYP]
  
  
• She also thinks it's a conspiracy on behalf of the city of San Diego to keep Merriman on the field. Yes. Because when I think "glue that holds the San Diego Chargers" together, I definitely think of Shawn Merriman. And by that, I mean: no. [E!]
  
  
• Heh. Anna Wintour totally got stalked by fans, and maybe, some people we know on Fashion's Night Out. She's bona fide! Apparently, she kept her cool when someone screamed at her about fur and also ran in heels down the street with her team chasing her, while fans tagged along. She lost it when trying to sign a shirt—a t-shirt?!?—with a sharpie. She got pissed at her staff, but really, she should be far more concerned that she comes after an item about someone with the surname Tequila. [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Bill Clinton had dinner with Chelsea and Laura Ling, who he rescued by swinging into North Korea, punching Kim Jong-Il in the face, grabbing onto a vine and Euna Lee, and swinging onto safe territory. Remember that? [Page Six]
  
  
• Charlie Sheen still thinks 9/11 was masterminded by George W. Bush and other evil forces. The funny thing is, if 9/11 was an inside job, the same people who are responsible for Two and a Half Men probably have something to do with it. Evil comes in all forms. Also, Charlie Sheen, WTF are you doing hanging out with a bunch of Salinger back-pocketing conspiracy theorists? Is this what happens when you've domestically abused every possible spouse in Hollywood? Dude, go to brunch at The Griddle or something. Like, get outside, you've got the money. Seriously. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton told The View that intense pain from a wisdom teeth operation paired with mild painkiller use basically landed her in a psych ward. Basically, best excuse for going off your meds, like, ev-ar. Also: Marissa Cooper lives. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler—and again, when did this guy become a movie star?—are maybe dating or maybe not, and the daily news has more speculation, but Christ, you need to see the photo that accompanies this Daily News story about it. Too much. Seriously. Too much. Also, if we're going to hear blind speculation on the nature of a relationship we really don't care about over and over again like this, the Post and the Daily News should at least put out betting lines on it. I wouldn't feel too bad making money over this. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mayor Bloomberg has Lady Gaga fever. He probably knows about the penis. [NYDN]
  
  
• Professional Today Show drunk Hoda Kotb went to Coney Island and found out there were no dressing rooms when training for her first triathlon out there. She ended up changing in her towncar. Try this one in a cab, someone. You'll end up with your face smeared into a partition and a blood-thirsty driver trying to peel you off of it. The state of private transportation in New York right now is sordid at best. [NYP]
  
  
• Jay-Z had a concert last night, and basically brought everyone in the rap business, New York, and The Electric Company out on stage with him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of "Run This Town," celebrity hooker Ashley Dupre was on the scene with Russel Simmons last night at a screening of the ultimate Save The Dolphins documentary "The Cove" last night. She's apparently doing yoga with Russell Simmons, who is, well, doing yoga with Ashley Dupre. [NYP]
  
  
• Tom Brady and Gisele might spring New England's Great Hope from Gisele's loins sometime before the playoffs, which would be great, because it might take Brady out of a late-season game that could inevitably help push ahead other fantasy owners who don't have him. Like me. Meanwhile, since Boston's ACLS chances are fucked, this is basically all they have to look forward to. Brady's kid's going to have the best childcare in the world. [NYDN]

Bill Clinton got a laugh with his story of Cronkite showing him a small kindness during the Lewinsky nightmare.

Nick Clooney, columnist and father to George, told the heartbreaking story of Cronkite's last dinner out, at Patsy's. The whole room rose as he left.

And then President Obama, one of the younger speakers, spoke of Cronkite as a representative of a more honest and reasonable media era

(Jack Shafer will not like the bit of Obama's tribute that repeated the "Most Trusted Man in America" canard.) (It remains to be seen what Shafer will think of Obama's amateur press criticism.)

Cronkite died last July at age 92.

While surely the implications of this news are big in the Kennedy context — could it be the family is relinquishing its hand on America's political system? — it also opens the door for a new generation of political dynasties. But, sadly, the prospects are dim.

The most obvious choice would be the Bush's, a family that has produced two presidents and Jeb. Since Barbara's basically a persona non-grata and Jenna's working for Today, the family's brightest star could be George Prescott Bush, President Dubya's attorney nephew who's also a real estate honcho. That combination, plus his good looks, could make him a good candidate to maintain the family's standing as a preeminent political family.

With Bill being a former President and Hillary as Secretary of State, some are hoping Chelsea Clinton will keep the family's lawmaking legacy alive. She seems to have little interest in politics and therefore won't help build a nascent dynasty. Sad.

We're thinking that the Obama girls may be the nation's best bet for political nepotism. Yeah, the girls are still in school, but the First Family has already been compared to the Kennedy clan and their revered "Camelot." If these girls choose — or if the family pushes, as should be done in all political dynasties — Sasha and Malia Obama could carry the torch for a new American royal family.

Perhaps there's another family out there, toiling away to break into the Washington scene. We sure hope so. This country could use more nepotistic clans who ingrain themselves into our democratic system. It seems antithetical to the American dream, yes, but this nation's democratic roots are also long-addicted to the ups-and-downs of political family drama. And we all know addictions must be fed.

In an effort to test the waters, Giuliani has been meeting with Republican leaders and even convinced the state's Republican Party chairman Joseph N. Mondello to resign so that his friend, Henry F. Wojtaszek, can take the position. In addition, Giuliani held a meeting with leaders in Buffalo and told them that he will decide his fate over the course of the next 30-60 days. It shouldn't take that long.

There's very little chance that current Governor David Paterson will run, because only 32% of New York voters view him in a favorable light. And, more importantly, he's trailing 65-23% when pitted against his most-likely challenger, Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. It's unlikely the state's Democratic party would pick Paterson over Cuomo. It's just common sense. So, let's assume Cuomo runs... Giuliani's people insist he's not thinking about the competition, but you know that's just talk. How could he not be eyeing Cuomo, who's approval ratings are sky high: 67% of Empire State residents gave him the thumbs up at the end of June, only a slight dip from his personal high of 71% in March.

Even if Giuliani's not worried about current polls, he should remember the presidential primary. In January of last year, about 40% of New Yorkers said they would likely vote for John McCain, Giuliani's then-rival. That's not very inspiring for Giuliani, who liked to highlight his post-9/11 leadership abilities, which inspired his ridiculous "America's Mayor" projection.

As if that's not enough, there's another Cuomo-related hurdle: the Clintons. Cuomo worked as President Bill Clinton's Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Then, during last year's primaries, Cuomo was a voracious Hillary Clinton supporter.

The Clintons remember their friends (and their enemies), so we're assuming the power couple would throw their weight behind Cuomo. Yes, Giuliani has become tight with Sarah Palin, but even the former Alaska Governor is no match for the Clinton machine. And that machine which will no doubt be handy when it comes to raising campaign for Cuomo, who as of last month had $5.1 million on hand.

Giuliani would be much better off remaining in the private sector, where he can lord over his two companies — both of which he would have to abandon should he choose to run — and make thousands giving motivational and policy speeches. Of course, this is politics and things could change at any moment, especially if Giuliani asks current NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg to be his running mate, as many believe he will.

Still, we're not convinced Giuliani should run. But he probably will, because he's a cocky kind of guy and if he's delusional enough to think he could be president, he's absolutely convinced the Governor's mansion has his name on it.