• Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]
• 
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]
• 
  
• Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]
• 
  
• A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]
• 
  
• Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]
• 
  
• When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]
• 
  

Figure 1.













Figure 2.













Figure 3.

Via the AP report:

The official tells The Associated Press that it's unclear whether the 23-year-old daughter of pop star Billy Joel and supermodel Christie Brinkley had attempted suicide. The official says a friend of Joel's frantically called 911 from Joel's downtown Manhattan apartment around noon on Saturday and said the singer had taken several pills. The official didn't know how many or what kind of pills were taken. The official wasn't authorized to publicly disclose the matter and spoke on condition of anonymity.

Obviously, this brings to mind DJ AM's overdose, and for that matter, Heath Ledger's overdose on pills last year. Both were spiraling into exhaustion and depression; Joel had two performances scheduled for the next week and most recently, her mom was in the tabloids for a rough divorce (second item) with scuzzy architect Peter Cook, which her Dad, Billy Joel, came to Brinkley's defense for. The family's got problems. Alexa's career's been going well, not incredible, but pretty decent: the average amount of press for whatever the kid of a celebrity who embarks on a music career would get, and there's really no indication of the kind of dark shit that would lead to drug abuse or chronic depression in her music, or, for that matter—hold the above issues of her parents—any news about her. Signs, though: they're elusive, if they exist. Update: Uh, nevermind. Per the George Rush-penned New York Daily News report:

Alexa Ray is the only daughter of Joel and Brinkley, whose nine-year marriage ended in divorce in 1994. A source said Alexa has been an emotional wreck since breaking up with her boyfriend, ex-bandmate Jimmy Riot, years ago. "She has battled depression," the source said. "She had a rough breakup with a boyfriend, a musician in her band, several years ago. It was her first love." A family friend said Brinkley's ugly split with ex-husband Peter Cook and Joel's marriage with a woman "almost her own age" took a heavy toll on Alexa Ray.

Heartbreak's awful. Ugh.

Again, Joel's publicist noted that she's in stable condition, and that they're "assessing her needs." We can laugh all we want about the kids of celebrities, but really, who knows how easy (or hard) they have it? It's not a third-world problem, but it's not one most of us can speak from experience on, either. Here's hoping she gets better.

• A new Vanity Fair article on Farrah Fawcett excerpted on their website details how Ryan O'Neal unwittingly hit on his daughter Tatum at Farrah funeral. It's just all kinds of creepy and downright gross. [Vanity Fair and New York Post]
  
  
• Sad old Billy Joel is supposedly distraught over losing his wife to some young European swordsman and is doing everything he can to get her back. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law thought that the actress/model he recently knocked up was on the pill. Ha! What an idiot. Jude, you always wrap up and pull out, especially if you're Jude Freaking Law! Did the thought never enter your head that perhaps someone, especially an aspiring actress, might lie to you in order to have your child? [Mirror]
  
  
• You have to admire Shaquille O'Neal's diligence in booking challenges against other prominent athletes for his new reality show thing. Too bad David Beckham is such a wanker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton must be really heavily medicated these days because she's just smiling all over the place. [Sun]
  
  
• Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Are you really sitting down? Ass firmly planted in a seat, right? Ok, now here's something that will shock you—Jude Law sleeps with a lot of women. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are a bunch of pics of Jessica Alba wearing a bikini in the wet surf. Go ahead, you know you want to. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Moss' vegan boyfriend Jamie Hince flipped out over her wearing a rabbit fur coat or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. We repeat, Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. [Page Six]

• The Mirror is claiming that Michael Jackson had a fourth child—a 25 year-old Norwegian named Omer Bhatti. Bhatti bears a striking resemblance to Jackson and was seated on the front row with Jackson's family at his funeral in LA a couple of weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• In the Bruno movie Brittny Gastineau says some really mean things about Jamie Lynn Spears. Now she's saying it was all a big joke. Haha! [Page Six]
  
  
• Marc Anthony became a partial owner of the Miami Dolphins yesterday. JLo will hit the training room to teach some of the players the secrets to ridiculous glute development. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ruth Madoff wore ripped jeans and a baseball cap on a flight to North Carolina to visit her beloved swindler husband Bernie. [Page Six]
  
  
• Billy Joel has apparently found himself a rebound bang—former Young and the Restless actress Alex Donnelley. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving father Jamie thinks that Britney is all healed in her mind and ready to be left alone to handle her affairs on her own, something he's been doing since she lost her mind her a while back. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend are just making out all over town, running their hands all over each others' naughty bits and just about having sex in front of mothers with their children. Gross. [Page Six]
  
  
• If you happen to interview Sienna Miller, be sure to avoid asking her any questions about her affair with Balthazar Getty, lest you be called a douchebag. [Sun]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's recent breakdown may cost her a role on a fall television show about supermodels she was scheduled to star in. [Sun]

• CODE BLUE. REPEAT: CODE BLUE. The only character anyone in the entire Jon and Kate Gosselin saga anybody should care about - Aaden, The Bespectacled One - has been injured. Jon was seen taking him to a medical clinic by the paparazzi who've staked him out. Aaden had some kind of cut on his forehead, and while we're wont to speculate on the barfight which caused Aaden's head injury, we'll be sitting this one out on the sidelines during this sensitive period of healing. Anyway, whenever I cut myself, my Dad would always be like, WTF were you doing smashing a Jolt can on your head? And then he'd laugh and maybe hand me a band-aid and we'd get ice cream or something. So, anyway, Happy Father's Day. [Celebrity Gossip via E!]
  
  
• Aw. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are sticking it out. Duchovny, if you remember, went to rehab for sex addiction - And really, how much sex do you need to be having or need to want to be having to go to rehab for sex addiction? It sounds like a silly question, but consider the logistics, here. - and Leoni and him "separated." Now, they're having this real life Californication-esque relationship of rebuilding. Dysfunctional Celebrities: they're just like us! Kinda? [People]
  
  
• Madonna's new kid, Mercy James, the one she stole from Africa, is back. It's a cute kid and all, but didn't she steal it from Africa? [P*r*z H*lt*n]
  
  
• Kanyeezey is back with his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose. Dude needs someone to hold him down. Seriously. You know when you tell your friends, maybe you need a girlfriend/boyfriend, or someone tells you, maybe you need a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc, and they mean it? I would sincerely tell Kanye West to stay in a committed relationship. I'm not sure why. [The Sun]
  
  
• So: two Keystone Cops tried to extort SJP and Matthew Broderick over pictures of their kid. A cop in Ohio went to the home of SJP's surrogate mother in Martins Ferry, waltzed in, stole some pictures, tried to steal some voicemails, walked right on out. They tried to sell the photos to a tabloid and got busted. The tabloid was allegedly the National Enquirer, but now we learn, isn't. The best part, though: the tabloid, TMZ now hears, are the ones to turn them in. But what if it's TMZ?! Don't you love how there's no such thing as a conflict of interest in tabloid journalism? [TMZ]
  
  
• Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel are getting divorced because "William" - 60 years-old - wanted to start a family now, and Kathy wanted to focus on her career, according to a friend of Billy's. Kathy Lee's friends see it the other way around - what? - and this weird he-said she-said is Rush & Malloy's lead item the week after breaking the whole Roger Friedman's Suing Scientology story, and they don't even make an "Only The Good Die Young" joke. Weak. [R & M]
  
  
• Not really gossip, per se, but Daniel Radcliffe has openly suggested that the Harry Potter films be scored by Radiohead, which is *magical*. I definitely see Goblet of Fire as a very Bends-esqu experience while Prisoner of Azkaban might be slightly more In Rainbows. Am I right, or am I right? I could play this game for hours. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Nip Tuck is over, and the finale's probably going to suck, because Ryan Murphy and friends all went to Fox to go do Glee. Also, because they simply couldn't do anything else with the story. [LA Times]
  
  
• Hayden Christensen's family likes Rachel Bilson. What isn't there to like? But Hayden Christensen? If I brought him home, my family would be like YOU RUINED STAR WARS and also Foster why are you dating Hayden Christensen? If I brought Rachel Bilson home, they'd probably be like, meh, but that's just how they are. [Page Six]
  
  
• George Stephanopoulos was named Father of the Year by the National Father's Day Committee, which is funny, because he did a radio broadcast recently and his daughter was all like "I HATE YOU" Stephanopoulos addressed the recent Daddy Misconduct Charges against him by his daughter by noting that he and his wife had donated some of their kids' clothing, and that it was "all about some duckies." [Page Six]
  
  
• British club-owner Clive Kelly talked some smack on Sting for, I don't know, making him go broke or something? I guess this is the other R & M item. It involves Sting going to the rainforest and, you know, whatever, being Sting. [R & M]
  
  
• An E! blog put together a list of petitions written by fans of Robert Pattinson. Some of his fans are absolutely insane. Like, these people are strange and scary and he's not even a real vampire. But seriously - Robert Pattinson? [E!]
  
  
• Susan Boyle canceled another show last night over fears of exhaustion. That's three in a row, for anyone who's counting. Related, Simon Cowell's confession of Susan Boyle culpability in a paper yesterday. Is it time we just give up on this? Serious question. [Daily Express]

33 years older, in fact. Katie Lee, at a spry 27, has been seen all over the society pages lately. And we guess the failed Top Chef host and irksome blogger's partying ways were just too much for old William Joel, so he's cutting and running.

There's also the embarrassing fact that maybe K-Lee was stepping out with an Israeli fashion designer named Yigal Azrouel. The two have been seen canoodling in Miami (of course), and one time he called her his girlfriend. Oops! And sorta surprising. Apparently the status-crazed Katie found some fashion dude named Yigal to be a better time than a 60-year-old guy who, yes, crashes cars into houses fairly often, but is also very very rich.

For what it's worth, they're supposedly still friends. Oh, and, everyone's pretty sure there's a prenup. Sorry to hear that, Katie.

Image via Getty

I mean, what is Disco, really? The anthem of annihilation. The dizzying denouement of America's golden age. Look, everyone! Our clothes are getting uglier and so are our cars and our buildings and no one cares about the small stuff anymore, and cities will soon be shopping malls, so let's just boogie our behinds off and shove drugs up our noses. That's kind of what Disco was! Or is! Or I don't know!

This is all to say that Disco music is depressing, even when it's uptempo. There's just something fundamentally tinny and cruel about it. So why do we get a whole Idol theme night devoted to it? Probably because it's cheap. All that said, though, there were some highlights.

The Good
Hey did you loyal readers know that I like Kris Allen? Well, I do. He looks like a cute cartoon character and he has a little twang and he sings pretty and he actually seems surprisingly sharp in his musical tastes. His slowed down "She Works Hard for the Money" was a strange choice, yes, but it played! It really did. My heart did back flips and I clapped like a schoolgirl. Paula basically just fell over and started doing that woob-woob-woob walking around on the floor in a circle thing from the Three Stooges, weeping. Kara tried to use her words, but it just came out "refrigerator disco science." Randy is still mad at Chris for killing his beloved eldest son Ludwig von Koopa in world seven, and Simon just doesn't want to say too many nice things about Kris for some reason. He fought with Paula about underpants instead. But you were the best of the night, Kris. That's coming from me. And I know how much my opinion means to you.

Allison is back! After last week's bumble, her "Hot Stuff" was just that. Hot stuff. It was hot stuff. Like the title of the song. The Girls' Last Hope is still apparently getting dressed while standing in the Max with the lights off, so that's too bad. But singing wise? Well done.

The Bad
I mean... Anoop was kind of a mess. Matt Giraud did "Stayin' Alive" like a drunk groomsman at an Armenian wedding. Danny Gokey sang some stupid song called "September" that sounded like Joan Rivers falling down an elevator shaft. All gravely shrieking and then a dusty clunk at the end. And Lil Rounds... Oh Lil. How did you hoodwink America so? And how is it possible that you were the best black lady in the whole competition? I just don't believe it! I mean your kids are cute and whatnot, but you talk back too much and sometimes I suspect that you think you deserve to pull this thing out and win it. Too bad that you will go home tonight.

If I Can't Have You Out of The Competition
...at least continue to make it interesting, Adam Lambert! I mean, we get it. Sometimes you like to freak dance and chicken scratch, other times you like to cry velvet blue tears. But would it kill you to do just do a damn song the way God intended? I mean with the wailing and the emoting and the skinsuit wearing. It's all a little much. And recently, it's all a little boring. A regular, meat 'n' potatoes Lambert performance would be shocking and exciting at this point. Like what if he just sat down and sang a Billy Joel song. Wouldn't that be weird? And kind of funny? I want it to happen. Do it, Adam.

You Stink
The Life of Lilian Rounds: Over. As is Matt Giraud's. Or! Perhaps! Was Danny Gokey shitacular enough to earn a seat on the early bus? Good lord wouldn't that be fabulous? If Danny Gokey went home. No more Danny Gokey. Simon could no longer make passes at squirming fish who wear glasses.

This is a weird recap. My brain is about to fall out of my face because alcohol has ruined my life. But still we soldier on. After tonight we're down to just five. Five! From all those thousands. Imagine that.

Doesn't it make you want to sing a song, Adam? About time passing? About your friends Brenda and Eddie? Who were still going steady? In the summer...? Of '75? No? Are you sure?

• Bruce Springsteen was named as the "other man" in a New Jersey divorce. Between that and 2006 allegations he had an affair with a 9/11 widow, the singer felt obliged to say he still loves his wife. He called the allegation "unfounded and ugly," reiterating a statement from 2006. [People]
  
• Billy Joel's third wife Katie Lee tends to stay in the couple's New York apartment, while Joel likes to stay home in Long Island. Lee also likes to spend a lot of time with an attractive 36-year-old designer from Israel, Yigal Azrouel, who Joel assumed was gay. Turns out he's not. Frantic speculation ensues, made all the more complicated by the fact that the wife is less than half Joel's age, and who can tell what kids these days are thinking? About anything? [Gatecrasher]
  
• Fresh off the Samantha Ronson breakup she keeps calling a "break" or whatever, Lindsay Lohan got a new tattoo with her sister. She also died her hair again, for the second time in as many days, with Drew Barrymore. (Its last known color was red, but no one knows the color of the last dye job. MYSTERY.) She was friendly on numerous occasions, to strangers. Given that everyone was expecting complete mental and physical collapse, this was a banner day.
  
• Oh, except Stevie Nicks freaked out when the New York Times mentioned how Lohan might play the Fleetwood Mac singer in a biopic: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we’ll talk." [Times]
• If Madonna has to lodge in Africa to get her hands on that poor Malawi girl, then, by scale of dragon, by tooth of wolf, she shall conjure a house. Her spells should be more powerful over such short ranges anyway. [Sun]
  
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt and getting married for reals this time, not like the fake one in Mexico. That was "for cameras," whereas this one is "for The Hills," a reality show that involves no cameras of any sort, since it's recorded through magic by an approving (and obsessed) God. [E!]

Joel is the the third rail of American pop culture. Though Rosenbaum doesn't seem aware of it, his isn't even Slate's first takedown of the musician. Jody Rosen floated many of the same arguments — Joel is almost unforgivably cheesy, derivative, egotistical and insecure, and has squandered his talents —with more nuance and context in 2005's "The squandered genius of the Piano Man."

Chuck Klosterman's 2002 profile in the Times Magazine explored precisely how uncool Joel was and quoted the Village Voice's Robert Christgau at length on the mediocrity of his music and "grandiosity" of his temperament.

A kiwi music critic was just this past summer slammed by Joel for interviewing him and then savaging his music.

Music writers will rant about their hatred for Joel at the drop of a hat, it seems. For Rosenbaum, the catalysts were a book about art and evolutionary psychology, along with the death of purportedly schlocky painter Andrew Wyeth.

His addition to the anti-Joel canon? The assertion that the piano-playing singer is loathsome because his work is shot through with "unearned contempt:"

Both a self-righteous contempt for others and the self-approbation and self-congratulation that is contempt's backside, so to speak. Most frequently a contempt for the supposed phoniness or inauthenticity of other people as opposed to the rock-solid authenticity of our B.J.

Oh God "unearned contempt." As though the emotions in music are ever "earned." Yes, let's analyze whether snotty young poseur (slash brilliant musician) Bob Dylan earned his hugely self-righteous anger at some fellow twentysomething East Village scenester in "Like a Rolling Stone," or whether Ani DiFranco had a right to say "Fuck You" to Goat Boy  in "Untouchable Face." Sounds fun.

Rosenbaum also writes that "She's Always a Woman" is misogynist. It's also a total copy of Dylan's "Just Like A Woman," Rosenbaum adds, but Dylan's song isn't misogynist because it came out first, and God knows no one was writing about how women are contradictory and confusing before he did.

Anyway the point here isn't that Joel is brilliant — we never actively choose to listen to him, but he's fun enough during a spin class — but that critics seem to take a perverse pride in constantly slamming the guy, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, even though Google now theoretically allows the ranters to see just how much old ground they are covering. We suppose the race now will be to the most creative and outlandish criticisms, and the most definitive. Knock yourselves out guys. We'll take your word for it that your contempt is earned.

The Washington Post runs an urgent story today about the trials and travails of planning a party of such scope. Two guys named Erik Smith and Jim Margolis, Democratic communication strategists, have been tasked to cobble the damn thing together. The Post sort of wrings its hands and vaguely prognosticates doom, but the thing is, Obama's a huge celebrity who lesser celebrities lurve. He can get anyone he wants, anytime.

Beyoncé has made her services available, gratis, and Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Joel have all been vocal supports of the boy from Illinois. It seems likely they'll make appearances. And I'm sure any manner of other acts would trip over themselves to be present at this most Hopetorical occasion. The Post needn't worry, unless they're concerned about like set changes and stuff. In that case, well, who really cares.

Plus Obama just doesn't need a ton of famous people encouraging us to like him. He's enough. He's the main act. While Bill Clinton—whose inaugural set the watermark for big splashy presidential fetes—was propped up by his many celebrities endorser-performers, Obama is an industry of fabulous entertainment unto himself. "Clinton basked in the glow of celebrities. Now celebrities bask in the glow of Obama," a Hollywood publicist told the Post. "Somehow he has become the sun and we're rotating in his orbit." Exactly. He can book anyone he wants, but in the end he's still the main draw of the whole enterprise.

As the girls on Super Sweet Sixteen continually remind us: even if Mystikal or whoever shows up, the party is still about meeee. So, as long as the Mercedes the American people promised Barry is waiting, with a big bow on top, outside the White House, I think it'll be just fine.

The most important point to make, though, is that whatever the performance ends up being, even if it is just Obama orating lyrically for a few hours (we wouldn't mind!), it's bound to be better than the last shitstorm inaugural. Here was Bush's line-up. See if you can spot which two of these things (but especially one) is not like the others:

"Destiny's Child, Lee Ann Womack, George Strait, ZZ Top, Clint Black, Brooks & Dunn and Ricky Martin"

Ugh.

Joel continues: "You didn't bring any of this up during the interview, and I certainly would have welcomed the opportunity to discuss those kinds of things, person to person. I believe that it's always best to be upfront with someone when you have strong opinions about their work or their image, simply as a gesture of respect, or if the respect isn't there, then purely as professionalism. Had I known you felt this way, I still would have done the bloody interview, but your comments reveal you to be already critically predisposed and somewhat insincere. You are still welcome to attend our concert in Auckland, but just as a safety precaution, please wear a hockey mask."

Zing!

Smithies defends himself, saying—Oh wait, he just kind of squirms: "I've had letters before from the bass player in some local band who is pissed off because I said his record is crap... but I've never had a letter from someone in the big league before. It's actually made him go up in my estimation. He just wants respect for his work and I think good on him for making direct contact. He was great to talk to and no matter what I think of those songs, other people clearly love them because he's sold over 150 million records." [Sunday Star-Times]

As TMZ reports, Cook "broke down crying after getting grilled on the stand...[and] admitted he masturbated in front of a web cam and frequented escort, porn and swinger sites, all while married to Brinkley." Cook also unleashed a salty waterfall of tears while 'fessing up to a $300k extortion scam gone awry, in which he gradually donated large sums of money to his then-18-year old mistress' Get Rich By Boinking Celebrities fundraiser by stashing cash under rocks and other office decor. But the most grim allegation came from Brinkley's lawyer, who claims her prepubescent son Jack (from an earlier marriage) stumbled across nudie pics of "young girls" on Cook's computer. Which must have surely aided the kid's expected progression towards following Billy Joel on the path towards future wives young enough to be his daughter.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• BRINKLEY'S EX - A REAL JERK-OFF [TMZ]

• Rich ladies are miffed that social-lites Olivia Palermo and Tinsley Mortimer, who were supposed to host that Darfur benefit Josh and Nikola dragged themselves to, were no-shows. "We think the only people who truly suffered from their selfish no-shows are the poor citizens of war-torn Darfur," one organizer hissed to Page Six. Seriously, talk about adding insult to injury. [Page Six]
  
• Oh my god, you guys!!! You know how 'The Hills' is supposed to sort of be a "reality" show? Turns out, it's not really real—they do multiple takes and stuff. Holy fuck! [Page Six]
  
• Cameron Diaz went on a date with John Mayer. Lady is scraping that Timberlake-analog barrel-bottom hard. Who is next, James Blunt? [Page Six]
  
• Hey, Billy Joel's trophy child bride isn't all washed up! Even though she's too inarticulate to host Top Chef, she still managed to get someone to agree to publish her cookbook. It's called Comfort Table. Also, "given her choice of things to do, she'd rather sit at home in her sweatpants and watch TV. Said Katie: 'We love 'Entourage.' We're glued to the TV set on Sunday nights at home.'" Uh, we think we'll skip the cookbook and wait for the post-divorce tell-all. [R&M, second item]

• He's cute, okay, but he's no Brad Pitt. [People]
  
• Hugh Hefner likes middle-aged Times writer Daphne Merkin more than he likes one of his girlfriends. [Page Six]
  
• "Jay McInerney broke his foot running to hail a cab outside Waverly Inn" is like the least sympathy-engendering sentence in the English language. [Page Six]
  
• Paris Hilton, still in prison, took a shower "with some privacy." [TMZ]
  
• Billy Joel and child-bride Katie Lee Joel have a totally happy marriage, really! [Gatecrasher]

Billy Joel's WIFE needs to SHUT THE F UP! - $1
Reply to: [xxx]
Date: 2005-11-30, 10:15AM EST

Lady - I'm happy for you, you're 26 and you married Billy Joel. Good for you.

I went to see your husband give a TALK last night, yes, he played SOME songs, but it was mostly a talk. You sat behind me (you were in row O, seat 113).. YOU and YOUR FRIENDS did not SHUT THE FUCK UP for TWO HOURS - then the three of you gradually walked out while your husband was STILL TALKING.

It's not like you were in an ARENA, this was a 900 seat theater, half the seats were empty - everyone heard you three, as you were THE ONLY PEOPLE TALKING during the WHOLE SHOW (until you left that is).

While I agree there were some nutso fanatics shouting things out - did you have to point at and laugh at all of them?

Billy - I love your tunes, as a courtesy to your audience, maybe your people could keep her in the dressing room next time you do a small gig like this.

Suddenly we're much more understanding of Joel's drinking problem.

Billy Joel's WIFE needs to SHUT THE F UP! [Craigslist]