• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

A preliminary examination of the Oxi-Clean pitchman's body had turned up no sign of drug abuse, just the prescription painkillers he was known to be taking for hip surgery. But it turns out he had used coke several days before his death.

Mays, known for his loud, energetic infomercials thrived on his manic energy, as seen in the Tonight Show clip we attached to his obituary. Pair this high-octane working style with his weight and middle age (he died at 50), and it's baffling that he would add cocaine to the mix.

Billy filmed infomercials for Mighty Tape and the Mighty Putty Super Pack (do you really need both? Yes) before he died, and now that a suitable amount of time has passed (two weeks), the company is all set to roll 'em out.

"Billy loved being on camera. He loved making money for the companies that hired him," Sullivan said. "He'd roll over in his grave if the ads were being pulled off the air."

What a...great, great thing. Buy some tape, this tape is his legacy.
[LAT, NYP]

Thanks to Natasha VC for the tip.

According to the Sun, which claims to have been leaked the results of Jackson's autopsy, the singer:

• Weighed "8st 1 oz," which is apparently Druidic for 112 pounds
• Had nothing but "peach fuzz" for hair and died with his wig on
• Had scarring on his face from botched surgeries
• Was missing the bridge to his nose, the right side of which had "partially collapsed"
• Had nothing in his stomach save for partially digested prescription pills
• Had injection sites near his heart, apparently from Pulp Fiction-style attempts to revive him with adrenaline
• Suffered broken ribs from CPR

TMZ, citing literally nothing at all except for that they "learned" it, says the Sun report "was fabricated and completely false." Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. TMZ has sources within the Los Angeles law enforcement bureaucracy, and if someone within or close the coroner's office were disputing the report, that would be one thing. But Jackson's family is highly incentivized to deny the claims, and would surely lie to TMZ in order to bat them down.

The Jackson family has demanded a second, private autopsy. It's unclear whether it has happened yet—the Sun says it happened on Saturday, the BBC says the Jackson family is still "seeking" it—but look for another round of (presumably less grotesque) autopsy leaks soon.

As for Billy Mays—he died of heart failure and had evidence of hardened arteries, according to his autopsy. There was no sign of head trauma, which puts to rest speculation that he might have suffered an embolism after being hit in the head by flying luggage during a hard airplane landing on Saturday. He'd been taking prescription painkillers due to recent hip surgeries, but the autopsy results say they didn't play a role in his death.

Also, thanks to TMZ, we've listened to the 911 call his wife made after waking to find her husband cold and not breathing. You probably shouldn't, but make your own call.

Mays claimed to be the last salesman trained by the old-school pitchmen. Among other things, he shilled: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, ESPN 360, Impact Gel Insoles, Omni DualSaw, something called a Samurai Shark, the Grater Plater, and a bunch of other products you can find on his Wikipedia page. Mays also enjoyed crushing the dreams of children and was possibly the single most ubiquitous figure on television today, measured purely in face time according to the Washington Post.

Interestingly enough, Mays was actually a passenger on a "hard landing" US Airways flight that blew a tire upon arrival in Tampa last night. Nothing regarding Mays death has been tied to the incident as of this writing. Update: the FAA is now saying that Mays wasn't wearing his seatbelt during the landing. Mays' son Twittered his father's death:

Billy Mays appeared with his co-host Anthony Sullivan from the Discovery Channel's Pitchmen on The Tonight Show with Conan on June 10, 2009:

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And Mays appeared as a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno earlier this year (April 7) with Dana Carvey:

He's the third celebrity of note to die in a week, following Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Actually, the fourth, counting Ed McMahon. Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford were rumored to be dead, but they weren't. Meanwhile, a nation of people who weren't sure about that "bad things come in threes" shit are far less worried about the wallet they lost and they keys they forgot than whatever's going to happen next.

Update: According to BNO, Mays got knocked upside the head by something on the flight, and made a joke about it to a local TV station.

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Perhaps it's better that the children stay away?

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