An air of excitement and danger swirled around Portland's Arbor Lodge Park this morning, as a bomb squad cordoned off the area and detonated a tennis ball suspected of being a homemade bomb.

One of the summer's weirdest stories—the Australian teenager who had a "collar bomb" strapped to her neck for ten hours, only to learn it was fake—took another weird turn on Monday when the first suspect arrested the case turned up in... Kentucky?

The "collar bomb" fastened to the neck of 18-year-old Madeleine Pulver by a "masked man" on Wednesday afternoon was not, in fact, a bomb—though authorities were forced to treat it as real until they got it off her neck ten hours later.

If you see a woman with a beard drawn on her face, arrest her! Immediately! She may have just robbed two banks in Alabama. And ignore her bomb threat, too.

Terrorists are apparently showing a renewed interest in the idea of surgically implanting explosives into someone's body and sending them on a plane, so be on the lookout for anyone with wires coming out of their belly button and be prepared to hear phrases like "kidney bomber" pretty soon.

It's that most exciting time of the year again for the global elite, who are all in Switzerland right now plotting secret-overlord terror plots at the 2011 Bilderberg Conference. This is not to be confused with the other annual rich and powerful secret conference in the woods outside San Francisco where they all have…

There's so much to love about Fox News chief Roger Ailes — and so much of him to love — but our favorite character trait is his lunatic paranoia. Did you know he bomb-proofed his office against "those gays"?

We don't, as a rule, support terrorism, but sometimes we are sympathetic to its aims. As in the case of Freddy Caldwell, the Bronx man who threatened to blow up his local TV station if it kept airing Two and a Half Men reruns.

France is dropping "concrete filled training bombs" all over Libyan dictator Mo Qaddafi's murder tanks, which is cool because concrete bombs don't produce big explosions that kill innocent people. This seems like an important characteristic.

Did anyone lose a bomb in Detroit? Because there's one in the lost-and-found of a federal office building there. Or there was, for three weeks, until security guards decided to scan it and realized what they had.

French authorities evacuated 6,000 Parisians on Sunday while defusing a 1,000-pound bomb from a 1942 World War II raid. The bomb had actually been found in "late January," but, hey, it's France, so they took their time.

Any single event that happens on Earth is, to former U.N. Ambassador and possible presidential candidate John Bolton, another reason to bomb Iran immediately. So what's his rationale for bombing Iran immediately in the case of, say, Egyptian protests?

Getting text messages from your service provider is incredibly annoying. Especially if you are a suicide bomber, and your bomb is triggered by incoming texts. As one Russian woman learned the hard way.

An explosion has rocked Moscow's Domodedovo airport—Russia's busiest—wounding hundreds and killing at least 31. The bomb hit the international terminal, apparently outside its security perimeter. A suicide bomber is suspected; Chechen separatists struck the same airport in 2004.

An incendiary device found along the route of a Martin Luther King Day parade in Spokane, Wash., was "likely capable of inflicting multiple casualties," the FBI said today.

Mass transit will never be safe from terrorism, so it's not worth worrying about. You can't keep bombs off trains, buses, and subways and still expect them to function properly. It's best not to even contemplate the following statistics.

What terrible things should you fear today, you ask? Terrorists plotting to poison food at hotels and restaurants; crude bombs on Rome's subway; and the "suspicious odor" that caused the UN to evacuate this morning. And it's only 1pm.