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A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
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phlox✔
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
Was that a H8 iron you just used there Hamilton?
I love golf because it's the great equalizer.
It's just you and your meagre (or prodigious) talent against The Course.
You don't have to be young or wealthy (although that doesn't hurt), or tall or particularly athletic. You don't have have to have four limbs or two eyes. You can be very thin or very, very fat. Or anywhere in between
You can play golf whilst dosing on your meds or with a beer buzz or totally baked (recommended on a sunny summer day).
You can be a woman, a black man, a person of geighness (or all three), an athiest, a Muslim or a Jew.
You can also be a complete douchenozzle/twatwaffle.
Everyone gets to play if they want to.
But the #1 reason I love golf is that, every once in a while, I'll hit a shot* that I know cannot be hit any better by anyone. Not even Tiger.
Don't be a H8R Hamilton!

*I am not a very talented golfer, and that makes it so much better.
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dippitydoo
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
thank god. finally! for so long i thought i was the only one. thank you, hamilton.
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heywhat
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
I believe it was the great philosopher Charles Barkeley who said that winning is the deodorant that covers any kind of stink. Once he wins a couple of majors he'll be fine. Sure he won't have the sterling reputation that say Arnie or Nicklaus had but it's not like he's Barry Bonds. Michael Jordan was/is a notorious man-whore and Ali was married four times but no one remembers that. Winning cures everything, Tiger!
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Helio
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
Speaking of robotic sportsmen, if I ever found out Roger Federer was running around on Mirka I would feel righteous anger. Not only would such a revelation actually surprise me (unlike Tiger, where people were just waiting for the shoe to drop) but they have been together forever and she has taken an active role in his career. I have to keep the faith that this athlete's level of class isn't mostly a marketing construct.
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A Message To Rudy
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
How could a guy that focused on details on the golf course be that sloppy when it comes to the hoochies?
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Han Valen
12/03/09

@A Message To Rudy: Yeah I was wondering that same thing. And he keeps SUCH a low profile with the rest of his personal life that banging random nightclub whores is just bizarre. I would have thought that if he were going to look for some action on the side, he'd do it more discreetly... like a reputable escort service or at least girls who are nearly as low-key as he is.
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A Message To Rudy
12/03/09

@Han Valen: Or buy his own island and stash them there.
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fuckingoldman
12/03/09

@A Message To Rudy: Simple. He's a dork that did nothing but golf all of the time. I'd bet he had no experience with the ladies until he started winning the big money. He's the kind of guy that is probably still seeking his parents approval.
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A Message To Rudy
12/03/09

@fuckingoldman: Parent. His father died of cancer a while back I believe.

But you may have a point. He's been playing the game since he was, what, three? So maybe this was his "fox in the henhouse" scenario. But still..didn't the guy go to Stanford? Are they THAT dumb there, social skills or not?
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Seeräuber Jenny
12/03/09

@fuckingoldman:

I've never particularly liked Tiger Woods, but he's super-wealthy, super-talented, super-famous and a very nice looking man. And he travels a lot. It's not surprising.

Nor is it surprising that his wife may have gotten extremely upset, especially when it became public.
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fuckingoldman
12/03/09

@A Message To Rudy: I didn't know about his father passing away. Not being interested in golf, until last week I pretty much ignored anything about Tiger Woods.

Yeah he went to Stanford, but there are some very smart people that have no common sense. I think with the childhood he had he didn't know too much about being sneaky either. Let's face it, he wasn't the kind of kid who told his folks he was staying over at a friends house only to go party all night. If you think about it you probably know some smart people that you'd be able to get over on. Book smart doesn't equal street smart.
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fuckingoldman
12/03/09

@Seeräuber Jenny: You probably could have stopped at super-wealthy. *smile*

I imagine his wife reacted the way most wives would if they caught their husband having multiple affairs, as she should have. She's pretty fiery, breaking out the windows with a golf club. While watching this unfold I couldn't help but think "Oh shit" for Tiger.
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A Message To Rudy
12/03/09

@fuckingoldman: I know, I know, but I just thought that somethings were instinctual for men when it came to horndogging, like not having your phone just sitting out when the other woman calls.

But anyway, his problem...I've got my own.
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intime
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
It sounds like his boner needs a break, anyway. It must be all raw and red at this point!
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resipsaloquacious
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
You think this is bad?

Wait until it comes out that he was banging Capt. Sully's wife.

PR DISASTER!
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Steve U
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods

Don't go into the woods with Billy Bob Thornton?
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Seeräuber Jenny
12/03/09

@Steve U:

Great movie.
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AzureTexan
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
Well, if this golf thing doesn't work out, maybe Tiger can start an a capella singing group with Bob Costas and David Duchovny called "Eldrick and the Monotones." It'll put you right to sleep.
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econdave
12/03/09

@AzureTexan: He and Duchovny can even go into sex addiction rehab together!
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AzureTexan
12/03/09

@econdave: . . . where they're sure to get laid on a repeated and gratifying basis.
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econdave
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
And cut back on the endorsements. As a golfer, it doesn't matter if he cheats on his wife. However, when he's trying to sell the public something, image does matter.
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Spirit Fingers
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
I agree that Tiger is boring. He wears a red shirt and black pants every Sunday. No, seriously, every. Sunday. But at least this whole scandal perhaps humanizes him a little. He is so very C-3PO. I'm thinking if he can work this lothario biz into some sort of definable proof that he isn't some droid, the results could end in Hugh Grant charm. Remember when he banged a crack-whore?! Took him from being some bumbling Englishman to the frigging romantic comedy genius of the decade in one step. And he's still working (Albeit with Sarah J.P). Still, he owes a lot to Divine Brown.

I say Tiger should apologize, do an "Aw shucks" appearance on late night, and blaze out on the golf course, reminding everyone what he does (ahem) best. Not sure how any of this scandal will really hurt him, aside from his nuked family life, unless he grows a vicious porn ‘stache and ropes about thirteen gold chains over that red Nike shirt and pulls those Dockers down below his rib cage for once.
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BadUncle
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
In other words, keep swinging the driver.
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BadUncle
12/03/09

@BadUncle: or polishing the putter.
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Uncle_Billy_Slumming
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
But he's not boring. Didn't he just admit to being a proxy for the CIA and then break into to Jesper Parnevik's house where he used Jesper's "Tiger Long Iron," left it on the bed, and drove off at 20 miles an hour wearing Jesper's boxers?

[www.telegraph.co.uk]
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Tart of Darkness
12/03/09

@Uncle_Billy_Slumming: Damn, I sure hope so!
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Unsolicited Advice
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
This advice did not work for Brett Myers.

Sure, he wouldn't have a stadium full of people wearing wifebeaters. But the first missed putt will be "a lack of concentration from the scrutiny." It invites cameras on him and keeps the story in the news.

Real advice? Wait for some other famous person to fuck around. Better yet, pay off your PR agency so one of their other clients suddenly decides to "put their story out there." THEN go play golf.
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Gabriel Snyder
12/03/09

@Unsolicited Advice: You overestimate the sanctity of marriage in the golf world. As I recall, when Tiger first announced he was getting married, the golf pundits started moaning about the many ways (primarily: wives are nags who keep their husbands from playing enough golf) it would hurt his golf game.
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Unsolicited Advice
12/03/09

@Gabriel Snyder:

I assume that golf people are simply wealthier versions of the sanctimonious purples who write about baseball. After all, isn't Reilly already on this garbage? If this assumption is flawed, mea culpa.
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Dave J.
12/03/09

@Gabriel Snyder: I always thought the unspoken wink-wink message of those complaints was that she was so hot that Tiger was going to spend so much time having the sexy sex with her that he wouldn't have enough time to practice the golf.
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smithhimself
12/03/09

In reply to A Simple Plan for Tiger Woods: Play Some Golf
I was talking to some PR friends last night. (A private note: Elaine's still has the WORST Italian food in New York City).

The general consensus is that Tiger should miss 4 maybe even 5 tournaments until people are begging him to come back. TV golf ratings depend on Tiger. He's the one in control.

The fans will think that: "Oh, wow...he took some time off to get his marriage on the right track."

So my advice is: don't talk and don't play (at least for awhile).
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