In case you were feeling optimistic, please remember: We haven't hit bottom yet. No really, we haven't hit bottom yet. Don't go "investing" in things only to see your money go fly away. Why? Because we haven't hit bottom yet.

For those of you with no money left to invest anyhow, thankfully, George Soros is here to save you, with a $50 million check for the poors. Oh really? Sure he'll give that cash "if [the Robin Hood Foundation charity] and its board members raised almost the same amount in each of the next two years." Haha, George Soros is no fool. How will they "raise" such a fine amount of money? We haven't hit bottom yet.

To the poors: the fact that you will probably never see a dime of George Soros' money may disappoint you, since the new Costco in your neighborhood refuses to take food stamps, simply because they enjoy watching poor people starve. Take heart—We've just received a press release notifying us that "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO STOP THE CLOCK, $99 BOTOX®, Laser Hair Removal, VelaShape™ and more at the nation's top Medical Spas during May MedSpa Month."

You can get those starvation lines cleaned up, cheap!
[Pic: Flickr]

Using botulinum toxin to treat "anal fissure" or "testicular pain" is technically legal, as doctors have fairly free rein on such "off-label" treaments. But those uses haven't cleared FDA tests the way "severe underarm sweating" treatment has.

So whatever poor sap had to be the first to try injecting Botox into his anus should get some kind of special reward, like never having to stand on the subway. Or, uh, maybe something that doesn't involve sitting, ever. Like a hammock.

In 2000 no one cared about anything because there were still jobs and stuff and no war and 9/11 was just a glimmer in Osama bin Laden's eye, so the Gore versus Bush campaign was mostly about how Gore was tricked into wearing Earth Tones by some emasculating feminists. Bush proudly kept dressing like a gay cowboy hustler, damn the focus groups, so he won (except he didn't but whatever).

And in 2004 even though we had a war and shitty job creation it was still for some reason all about how Bush held a bullhorn on some rubble and John Kerry went windsurfing in a gay wetsuit and he looked French and also like Lurch. So! Bush won (for real for once).

And honestly you can bitch about the sad end of this magical friendly bipartisan campaign we were supposed to have with these two DIFFERENT candidates who'd be so polite to one another but so far despite an amazing number of distractions the fact that people seem determined to care about "real issues" is semi-heartening.

But of course "real issues" don't make for good column fodder, so a week after the New York Post floated the Biden botox story the Washington Post's gossip columnists (both of whom, it should be noted, are absolutely wonderful people) followed up with an "lol politicians are vain" piece and Drudge linked to it because the number of credible non-killer-storm items he can allow himself to link to every day is shrinking.

The End.

Boomp3.com

Die hard Beatles and botox fan Sharon Stone washed away the drama of the week’s events with a nice tall glass of Pellegrino at lunch with a friend on Thursday. Stone believed it was perfect okay to have a glass of the Italian mineral water with her meal. Stone said, “One glass isn’t going to kill me. If anything, it’s going to make me healthier with all those minerals and stuff.”

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

And then the court says, "Another example of an overreaction is that Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child."

...The judge goes on: "Unfortunately, the problem caused by Mother's overreactions is painfully real for this child."

Of course, Stone was simply passing on a red carpet trick known by most actresses: a couple shots of Botox under the arms, and you can avoid pulling a humiliating "Meg Ryan" in public. Sure, mere socks may accomplish the same thing, but would those qualify Stone for the family discount with Dr. Lipschitz?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Judge Says Stone Wanted to Botox Her Kid [TMZ]

Alexis gets her quarterly does of Botox from Dr. Wexler:

Lasik on a purported celebrity, yuck:

[NYT]

[UPDATE: And don't forget Mary Rambin already did a video for Restylane!]

As the Times notes, Hatcher "has both confirmed and denied" having work done, but the image at left of Hatcher in 1991's Soapdish shows a smoother, plumper visage. And Carrie Fisher's triumphant and hilarious guest appearance on 30 Rock last year was tarnished only because "you had to hit the rewind button a few times to make sure it was her."

As much as we adore Barbara Walters til death does us part, it's hard to ignore her incapability to express more than one stoic expression on The View these days. And Melanie Griffith's less-than-stellar career of late hasn't been helped by what the Times refers to as "much-speculated-upon changes to [her] visage."

And then there are the two wild cards. As easy as it seems to label Priscilla and Marcia Cross as Botox users, we can't help but notice how similar they look to their decade(s)-old versions. Maybe we're going out on a limb, but is it possible that these two were simply born with sky-high eyebrow arches and remarkable cheekbones? As they say, maybe she's born with it.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• ON TV: BOTOX. FACE-LIFTS. RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. [LAT]

Everyone in Hollywood is Botoxing these days. Ashlee Simpson is doing it at only twenty-three, Nicole Kidman's forehead hasn't moved since she was married to Tom Cruise, and no judgment on that reality will be passed here. After all, celebrities have essentially one job—to remain better-looking and thinner than the rest of us so as we watch them from our couches, eating peanut butter from the jar and wondering where our lives went, we won't see even a passing resemblance to ourselves that makes us reflect inward. If they need to employ pharmaceuticals, illegal drugs, surgery or other life-endangering methods to make this happen, so be it. That's why they get paid the big bucks. Plus, the alternative is horrific.

That being said, there's something off about the idea that Keanu Reeves is now Botoxing. Say what you will about the man; he's only famous because of his bone structure, his movie-star, vanity-band is awful, "The Lake House" was the the best time-transcending love story since "Back To the Future," but there is one thing we can all agree on—it doesn't seem like he showers that much.

Obviously he's not just acting like a dirty person, at least not believably, so getting needles stuck in his skin to appear younger seems to be something he wouldn't have the inclination to do either. Perhaps though, Keanu is smart. Maybe he realizes that his success thus far and any success in the future can only be related to his looks and he is willing to do whatever it takes to maintain them. Good for him.

I just hope he didn't get a plastic surgery recommendation from his friend Patrick Swayze. Because that guy should have his license taken away. Yes. His license to have a face.