Used to be that bankers were men—big men, who were at least bluffing at having big dicks, who worked themselves half to death, then partied like rock stars, if rock stars were incredibly boring conversationalists. Nowadays? Banks are trying to make their employees fucking church ladies.

When Wall Street began crumbling yesterday, the rich bemoaned the loss of their money. Everybody else in New York immediately said to themselves: "Jiminy Cricket, could this be the end of mandatory bottle service in shitty clubs full of rich pricks?" I mean, it was the universal response! Bottle service rules require…

Lawmakers in Boston just banned bottle service, the preferred method by which douchebags imbibe their shitty vodka. Have we been wrong about Boston this whole time? Wait, Happy Hour is illegal there too. So no, we were never wrong. Phew! [Daily Swarm]