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posts about #bradpitt more →
Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
Flirts Like a Butterfly, Stings Like a Bee
This Week In Tabloids: Angie & Brad Help Jen Adopt; Tiger's Titillating Texts
Lady Gaga Meets the Queen of England
This Week In Tabloids: Tiger's Mistress, Lindsay's Coke Buddy, Britney's Pregnancy
Brad Pitt's Got 99 Problems, and an Angelina's One: Smokin' Weed and Psycho Women
Problems of Brad Pitt: Pretty Lower Ninth Public Housing Pissing People Off?
This Week In Tabloids: Jen Waits For Brad To Text; Tom's Secret Scientology Van
Lady Gaga Looks Disconcertingly Normal in Beyonce Video

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Tart of Darkness
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Maybe I'm the only person that thinks this but despite Jolie's in your face sex appeal and Pitt's sexy boy reputation and abs, I find it hard to imagine that sex between them is sexy in any way. I think they each lack a sort of earthiness that comes with good sexiness and that beard does not increase the earthiness factor in any way.
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Lysergic Asset
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
I haven't lived in the states in a while, but is $13 an hour actually considered 'good money' in NYC these days? If so, does everyone still live with their parents and eat intermittently?
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CrayonSmoothie
12/18/09

@Lysergic Asset: According to the Living Wage Calculator, $13 an hour would count as a 'living wage' though it depends on exactly where in NYC one lives.
Living Wage Calculator here: [snipurl.com]
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charliebabbles
12/18/09

@Lysergic Asset: $13 an hour is an awful wage. I was making $15 an hour under the table doing construction 20 years ago.
She doesn't live in NYC; I believe her moniker is "The Princess of Poughkeepsie."
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Lysergic Asset
12/18/09

@charliebabbles: From what I recall of Poughkeepsie (that is such a weird word to type), she's probably right.
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theresa crane
12/18/09

@Lysergic Asset: Got a bachelor's degree and making 12.50 an hour!!
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Lysergic Asset
12/18/09

@theresa crane: What a crazy world. I hope it improves for you!
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BadUncle
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Madonna told me that buying a pair of my shoes is more satisfying than having sex with a man.

Why not just have sex with the shoe, Jimmy Choo, Jimmy Choo?
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LatestBy
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
I think Brangelina (which to me sounds like some bran-based Tang) would be treated like the word "couple" in the AP Stylebook, which, I'm pretty sure means it's singular when referring to them as one unit (The Brangelina has to deal with that beard during sex) and when "couple" is used in the sense of two individuals together, it's plural (Brangelina aren't married, they're just living in beard-y sin).

Word nerd out!
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jenndavo
12/18/09

@LatestBy: Glad I'm not the only one who signed in to post "'Brangelina' should be considered a collective noun and therefore ..." Word nerds unite!
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Miss Anita Manbadly
12/18/09

@LatestBy: It's unfortunate, but whenever I read "Brangelina" I hear the "Thumbelina" theme song.
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LatestBy
12/18/09

@jenndavo: Yahoo! Hearted.
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Trixie from Toronto
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Hugh Grant has never been married. I know, because I send mail proposing to him frequently and he always turns me down.

Brad Pitt always grows that billy-goat beard when he's souring on his woman. He did the same thing in the last year or two of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston. I wonder if it's in order to turn them off him physically? That's probably the last thing to go given he's not much of a catch intellectually.
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DahlELama
12/18/09

@Trixie from Toronto: This is true; the article just lists those people as Trope's clients, but it doesn't mean she served in a divorce-lawyer capacity for them, which she obviously couldn't have.
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bluebears
12/18/09

@Trixie from Toronto: Good theory. How devious of him.
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Miss Anita Manbadly
12/18/09

@Trixie from Toronto: And here I thought he was just preparing for the lead in the Colonel Sanders story.
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FormerEnglishMajor
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Angelina had a tummy tuck after the twins (which she has admitted to). First thing the doctors ask you is: "you know there's no more kids after this, right?" Because they remove the blown-out muscles so there is not enough muscles left for a baby to expand. So I think she's letting these stories happen, but the only children they will continue to have will be adopted ones.
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Arken
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Brad has spent years trying to get people to stop treating him like a pretty boy. The beard is just the next logical step.
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BettyCrocker
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
That dead ferret on Brad's face is just amazing. It's like, your eye runs down and sees a neatly trimmed 'stache evocative of Erroll Flynn, and then is sucked into a hobo maelstrom that ends in a sad dust bunny from a closet corner in a deserted haunted house.
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Tammany_Fall
12/18/09

@BettyCrocker: That's much more interesting than my first thought, which was "Jesus, he looks like he makes chocolate in Williamsburg."
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BettyCrocker
12/18/09

@Tammany_Fall: If so, it's hopefully with a hairnet around that ... that thing.
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Chip Skylark of Space
12/18/09

@BettyCrocker: When I see that beard I think Antebellum South and Mint Julips. Can he be working on a Foghorn Leghorn live action movie?
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BettyCrocker
12/18/09

@Chip Skylark of Space: Lookit here son, I say son, did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared 'em! That Rhode Island Red turned white. Then blue. Rhode Island. Red, white, and blue. That's a joke, son. A flag waver. You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.
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BadUncle
12/18/09

@BettyCrocker: I think it looks kind of great. It's evocative of Colonel Sanders and other American military heroes.
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Chip Skylark of Space
12/18/09

@BadUncle: I didn't think of that, but when I looked for a picture of Harlan Sanders, I was shocked to see how close to a soul patch his facial hair was. I guess I'd forgotten.

So, here's to our nation's fake colonels, and Angelina getting some fried chicken at home.
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BettyCrocker
12/18/09

@BadUncle: It looks amazing, stunning even, from a safe distance. (Not in a remotely sexxxy way, but amazing. Yeah.)

But imagine being in the shower, having a pleasant daydream, when the curtain moves a bit and your beloved joins you. You feel warm breath on your neck, and then... IT happens.

A sodden tendril touches down, followed by more, until it's like a soggy convention of used Brillo pads on your neck. There is a faint scent of burger n' fries, which you recall he had for lunch yesterday. It's as though someone is scrubbing your neck with a roadkill hedgehog.

You scream and scream.

Somewhere, miles away, a small flock of seagulls thuds down onto a boardwalk, all feathers akimbo and lifeless eyes staring at eternity.

And when thought returns, it comes on a cloud of Barbasol.
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BadUncle
12/18/09

@BettyCrocker: There's usually a happier ending in tentacle porn.
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BadUncle
12/18/09

@Chip Skylark of Space: She's love the drumstick.
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Miss Anita Manbadly
12/18/09

@Chip Skylark of Space: Great minds think alike.
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Chip Skylark of Space
12/18/09

@BadUncle: ...and everybody licks their fingers when they're done
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drunkexpatwriter
12/18/09

In reply to Does the Horrible Beard Get in the Way When Brangelina Have Sex?
Facial hair like that is one of the reasons doggy style and reverse cowgirl were invented.
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SuperBien
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
I wish Madonna would give up all the cosmetic procedures and just gracefully accept the changes God's throwing her way given her level of maturity. But, I guess it's too late -- the damage is done. She's got cheek implants + what not in there, so without continued maintenance she's bound to look even more ghastly. Attention Gawker commenters that also practice cosmetic surgery -- Can cheek implants be removed?
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mwynn13
12/17/09

@SuperBien: I just read about it, so no firsthand knowledge, but I believe they're injections of a filler that breaks down and gets absorbed over time, so she'd have to have it redone in about 9 months- it's probably not an actual implant.
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SuperBien
12/17/09

@mwynn13: So if after 9 months, she forgoes recharging her filler injections, I wonder if she'll look normal -- you know, like more her age, but at least human?
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Tattertotter
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
Madge looks like she's going for the voluptuous, Monica Vitti, 60's Italian movie earthmother look. Which might have worked if she were 30 instead of 50.
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miss_msry
12/18/09

@Tattertotter:

Virna Lisi - but I said exactly the same thing, just a day later.
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Helio
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
oh man, i had a dream where madonna was on one of those late night talk shows (prolly letterman since he's my favorite) but she had had so much work done, she started to morph into amanda lepore. yikes
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Island of Misfit Toys
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
I can't help but think that that hideous bicycle threw itself in front of the car.
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valet_of_the_dolls
12/17/09

@Island of Misfit Toys: Out of SHAME. Yes.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
Because of boredom I've translated both yesterday's Courtney Love Facebook posts and today's Courtney Love Facebook posts from Drunk into English.

Yesterday's post in normal English:

Golly. I don't know what people will say about my split with my daughter. The truth is that Frances is not going to be as rich next year as people think she will be. She and I both got the same share of my husband's estate - which breaks down as 37 percent of the gross profits of the In Utero album. The $15 million in profits from the use of my ex husband's name and image all go to the record company - because they are so greedy they would take cash out of the hands of a fatherless child. I've always thought this was wrong but so much time has passed now that I don't care.

What I do care about is the attitude my teenage daughter is giving me at the moment. Sheesh! Kids these days! I love her but am going to have to give her some distance. What's sad is the people she thinks are her friends in New York really just like her because she's rich and her dad is famous. I'm so annoyed at her right now that I'm considering applying for a professorship at the college she wants to go to! That would teach her a lesson!

What really annoys me is that she's not living up to her potential. She tells herself she's doing stuff to build a life for herself but, really, she wastes all her time on Facebook.

I'm also annoyed because she's gotten into that teenage phase where she sometimes lies to me - her own mother. Also, my in-laws are a nightmare. Golly gee whillakers - why did I ever let her visit them so much! The son they raised turned out to be a suicidal junkie! I'm really worried they'll try to trick her into buying them a house and signing a lot of her money over to them. The good news is that well before this incident happened the lawyers locked up all the money in a trust so they can't steal from her. Thank god for that!

Please don't take all this the wrong way. I love my daughter and think she's a great kid. I'm just worried she's surrounded by people around her who are a bad influence. My late husband's sister has alcohol abuse issues - that are so bad that even Kelly Osbourne was worried about her.

Ok. Time for me to take a deep breath, step away from this situation and visit some friends for girl talk. It worries me that my daughter is going to be all over the tabloids over this and I hope she's strong enough to handle it. I just wish my daughter had considered her options. She could have enrolled at Simon's Rock of Bard College. She could have asked for legal emancipation. Heck, she is only a couple months away from legal adulthood and I trust her so I would not have fought that. It just tears me up inside to see her going to people I think are going to take advantage of her. She is going to be hanging out with the type of celebrity family blood suckers that led to all the problems with Britney Spears last year. And, doesn't she realize that these are the same people who raised her father in such a self destructive atmosphere that he had severe mental health issues that led to his addictions and eventual suicide? What is she thinking?

Drat! I have to deal with the real estate agent today. Frances Bean, you are my daughter and I hope you know I love you unconditionally - I'm just very, very worried about you and the choices you are making.

-------------------------------------------

Today's Facebook posts translated from Drunk To English:

Jeepers! I didn't mean to make that post public. I don't understand the new Facebook privacy settings. Well, no use crying over spilt milk. I wish people understood that I'm not angry at my daughter. I'm angry at the people who are manipulating her. I don't want her to end up like Jamiie Lynn Spears. She has so much potential. She could be a writer or artist or anything. I will always support her hopes and dreams 100 percent. What pains me is that the media will turn this into a circus and I believe that people - teenagers especially - value and deserve their privacy.

I really miss hanging out with my daughter and the way our relationship used to be when she was younger. I hope she isn't worrying about me. She has to live her own life and growing apart from your parents is a normal part of growing up. I really just want her to be happy, find a nice place to live and go to the university of her choice. That's all I've ever wanted for her.

Now, Mr. Hilton. I think you've made an error and should re-evaluate your position. Your own lawyer made a comment that I could just sell out for $15 million and all my problems would go away. But, life is never that simple. Right now, I'm in a little bit of a tizzy about the way you have been talking about me. That message was supposed to be part of a private conversation and was only accidentally posted in a public forum. In addition, and I'm sure this is a mistake on your part, you seem to have incorrectly transposed some of my prose. I hope you can correct your error in a timely manner and in the future respect my privacy because it is so gauche when lawyers have to get involved in situations like this. I'm sure this is a misunderstanding and I hope you have a super day.
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BlinkyMcChuck
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: After all this time, I still love you. For stuff like this most especially.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@BlinkyMcChuck: Thanks!

Love the fact that my client is taking his sweet time getting back to me with revisions so I have a lot of free time on my hands.
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En0s1
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: you had me at 'Golly'
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esmemurphy
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not, but I actually read all of this and I think it is pretty much right on despite the fact that you are clearly more rational and functional than C. Love (well, maybe the Perez part is more funny than true. Or maybe not). Maybe it's because I am a mother myself, but I feel for C. Love. Though I do not believe she is fit to parent in any way. Too sad. Poor Frances Bean. I cannot snark at this situation.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@esmemurphy: I feel for her as well.

I meant it when I said I was bored. Everyone was acting like her facebook posts were evil and I realized they were not so I figured I'd translate them.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@En0s1: Thanks. I'm thinking of turning this into a blog if she keeps posting stuff on Facebook.

[courtneylovetranslated.wordpress.com]
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esmemurphy
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: I thought some of her earlier ramblings were not entirely crazy. I think she is manic and hurried and doesn't think at all before she types, hence the typos and nutty stream of conscience blather. But my impression is that in the past she surrounded herself with sycophantic people who sheltered her from her financial mess and that when she found out about it she honestly had no idea what happened, hence the paranoia and accusations. Which is bizarre and irresponsible, of course. But how many famous folks aren't in that situation? Plus, the recording industry is so shady in their dealings with artists that I can't blame her for feeling like someone had hosed her. Having said that, I still think she is mostly (though not completely) cuckoo bananas.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@esmemurphy: I'm honestly not making fun of her at all.

I'm just bored and having fun with words. And trying to be accurate.
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esmemurphy
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: Just to be clear, I am not a fan of her. I just really liked what you wrote. I think you should follow up on your blog idea. You could expand it to include other crazy famous folk. You could de-caps lock Kanye, for example.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@esmemurphy: Thanks!

I just added an About page where I invite people to send me celebrity snippets they want translated. Work is slow this week, so I might as well have fun!
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Betty Draper
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: That was incredible.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@Betty Draper: Thanks. I'm making more translations by goolging her old facebook and twitter posts.
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Lysergic Asset
12/17/09

@drunkexpatwriter: Hey, glad to see this comment finally got its due!
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drunkexpatwriter
12/17/09

@Lysergic Asset: Thanks!
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miss_msry
12/18/09

@drunkexpatwriter:

Courtney is much more eloquent than I remember.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/18/09

@miss_msry: She's just misunderstood.

I'm currently making it my personal mission to translate all of her words into a language mere mortals can understand.
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Mo MoDo
12/17/09

In reply to Angelina Rushed to Hospital After Suicide Attempt, in Ambulance Visible Only to the National Enquirer
As opposed to everything else about Jessica Simpson which is just a JOKE.
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