If you are ever captured by an enemy, and interrogated using the very latest mind control technique, and you have a dick, pay close attention to what you are about to read here.

Incredibly vain parents are actually buying Huggies horrible denim diapers, so much so the brand regained the market share they recently lost to Pampers. This can only mean one thing: diaper war.

Are you enamored with the fast-forward capabilities of your futuristic 'Tivo' device—but sad that you're missing all those commercials? Tivo has figured out a way to implant ads over skipped ads. Technology is wonderful.

Here's something scary that exists: The Automotive Broadcasting Network ("Fueled by CBS"!), which beams soothing, automotive industry-friendly news into car dealerships, so as not to upset the customers. Katie Couric is a GM zombie!

Colors aren't just for looking at. They're also for making your brain do things! Science has produced a breakthrough new study about how colors can make reporters stop screwing around and get to work:

"For some children, watching "Dora the Explorer" on television is becoming passé. Now, they want to be Dora." Mother. Fuckers. They want to be Dora because multinational corporations are pouring millions into online games that masquerade as harmless diversions while actually indoctrinating children into brand…

We tried to leave this one alone, but its influence has now grown to the point that it must be mentioned. We're referring, of course, to that reggaeton-themed commercial for IO Digital Cable, which is maddeningly effective at making you remember a phone number you will never call. What do mermaids, life preservers,…