The New York Post details the revelations laid bare in Ian Halperin's book Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, which comes out on Tuesday. The highlights:

• Brangelina: going down Breakup Road, are not passing go. They argue about everything from politics to how to raise the kids to Brad's weed smoking habit. Everyone knows they're miserable. Brad's family wants them to break up, even their drivers have seen their knockdown-dragout fights. A publicist gave them 18 months. And those fights!
  
  
• Their fights are intense, because Angelina's kinda crazy. I mean, we knew this way back when she was her and Billy Bob were swapping blood samples and putting hexes on each other, but apparently, people are scared for Brad. The aformentioned driver said she had a temper "like a cobra." They scream when they fight, and it's often her doing the screaming. Also, she's been reported as being very, very controlling of Pitt, and won't let him out of the house. Related: Snakes are scary.
  
  
• Yes, their sex was crazy-awesome. They used to stay in bed for up to 20 hours a day, fucking. Most people who stay in bed for 20 hours a day are either dead, morbidly obese, or getting high and eating cookies. Oh, also, that:
  
  
• Brad Pitt loves to get really, really high. Angelina's not a fan. She refers to Brad's affection for drinking and smoking as his "habit." Angelina doesn't think Brad's "habit" is the right environment for their kids. She's obviously never seen True Romance. Assuming they separate, the publicist quoted on the aforementioned 18-month window also thinks this is gonna turn out to be a huge publicity line both of them will tow.
  
  
• Pitt might've cheated. Apparently, this story keeps "popping up." It goes something like: Pitt met a hot Sudanese woman at a benefit at Cannes. He was seen with her a few times. Angelina obviously wasn't pleased over this.
  
  
• Their family is run on nannies and publicists. The kids have a "'"multicultural' team of nannies to care for their young brood." Brood! The nannies are like second-parents to the kids. Every move by the family is coordinated for image; they very intentionally have nannies crouch out of pictures, basically choreographing public appearances.
  
  
• Angelina's Aniston Problem. When Angelina was stealing Pitt from Jennifer Aniston on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Angelina didn't want to be viewed as a homewrecker, so she spread those nasty rumors about Aniston not wanting to have kids as opposed to focusing on her career. Not so much. Brad and Jen built a nursery for a kid that never came for them, except....
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston had two miscarriages, one in 2003, the other in '04. Woah. Pitt was "furious" about the rumors Jolie spread, and he came to her, and told her to stop. Via a Fox source: "She was convinced that is the story that would resonate with all these women who saw her as a man-stealing bitch." Damn.
  
  
• Jennifer and Brad used to get really high together. But Jen always got paranoid. Of course Jennifer Aniston's a paranoid smoker.

Now that all that information's out there in the Post piece, question: who's gonna buy this book? Are people that obsessed that they have to go beyond their sociopathic celebrity weeklies and summary of shit gone wrong with Brangelina that they need to read an entire book about it? Apparently so. Because people buy these books. But who?! Do you really need to read 300 pages on Brangelina? Scientology and Tom Cruise, maybe. Michael Jackson, sure, if you're that morbid. But Brangelina? Really? I promise, Netherland is better.

That aside, is this BOOM! Goes the dynamite-true or complete bullshit? Hard question to answer, but it most likely has at least one solid foot firmly planted in reality. Ian Halperin—another one of these strange, bowtied gossip creatures who can, yes, write entire 9/11 Commission-esque reports on the crumbling marriage of Brangelina—has done pretty credible reporting, most recently, on Michael Jackson's death, where he had his Called it moment of smug. He claims to have talked to 900 sources to get the story, but that's where the issues come in.

1. Of these 900 people, how many do you actually think have a substantial, true account with nothing invested in either party and/or talking to a reporter?

2. Take a line like this:

A hotel employee at the Dorchester Hotel in London once overheard 3-year-old Shiloh refer to one of her nannies as "Mommy," Halperin writes.

Sure, okay, probably true. But 3-year-old kids have (A) Freudian slips, (B) small brains, and (C) names for things that aren't actually their names, because they're three.

3. The account seems entirely biased on the side of Pitt. Certainly, if there's celebrity fallout, Pitt's the larger celebrity, and who knows if Halperin has a motive (besides selling books) or how he slanted his narrative to get the accounts he wanted.

All of that aside, as previously mentioned: Jolie's always been kinda nuts. Pitt was reluctant to dish on his perfect joint-rolling strategy recently, maybe fearing retribution. And they're building a militia with those kids. Who wouldn't be tense if you had to fear a potential coup d'etat over cereal selections every nine days?

And all of that said? How great would it be if Pitt and Aniston got back together? Seriously. She's earned her stripes, and even if she is worried about the fuckin' cops, man, she's probably still cool with Brad toking up and could maybe even learn to love Angelina's Army too, so long as they don't try to kill her and/or suck her blood. And it'd make my job exponentially easier. Who wants to learn what a Gerard Butler is, anyway? Braniston 2011! Show of hands on this, please.

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
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• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
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• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
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• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
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• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
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• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
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• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
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• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
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• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
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  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Heidi Klum continues to defy gravity and nature, agreeing to yet another Victoria's Secret show shortly after giving birth her fourth child. Obviously, this woman sold her soul to the devil long ago in return for a flab-less belly and elastin-rich skin that knows not the plague of stretch marks. Vicki's is having a bit of a staffing crisis for this year's $12M show, with angel-wing heavyweights Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bundchen, and Adriana Lima all preggers. [P6]
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• Meanwhile, Amanda Peet told Parade she can't stop the parade of age: "I'll sag no matter what." Now that's my kind of girl. [P6]
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• "Sticky Fingers" Lohan is back! LiLo reported "stormed into the kitchen" at L.A. club Crown Bar "and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend." Presented with the check, she had a "meltdown," then had to call a friend to borrow a credit card number. This is deeply, tragically pathetic. You know, there was a time when being a young Hollywood trainwreck was enough to get you a free drink in this town. [NYDN]
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• The National Enquirer says Regina Letterman kicked Dave out of their Westchester manse, forcing him to live in relative squalor in his massive lower-Manhattan loft. But wait! Letterman's spokesman has denied the report to the Daily News, which sniffs that the "supermarket tabloid" has the story all wrong. Standards, people. [National Enquirer] [NYDN]
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• After blowing 0.08 and 0.09 breathalyzers and receiving a DUI, Stephanie Pratt is going to rehab. Hey, did someone just say "free champagne"? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Jon and Kate Gosselin were both invited to Phillies star Shane Victorino's Hawaiian paradise wedding, but only Jon went to the Flyin' Hawaiian's nuptials. The kids stayed home with Kate. [RadarOnline]
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• German police raided an apartment near Stuttgart in connection with Cindy Crawford's extortion case. Edis Kayalar, the 26-year-old German national accused of trying to blackmail Crawford with a horrifyingly sadomasochistic photo of her 8-year-old daughter, will definitely go to hell if the accusations are true. Even blackmailers have certain lines they don't cross. [NYDN]
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• Hotel owner Andre Balazs (of Meapacking porno fav Standard Hotel fame) is a cover boy: He co-stars with model Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni ads, because sometimes being filthy rich and fabulous just isn't enough, and you just need that extra oomph of being objectified by gay men, too. [P6]
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• Hurting for cash or overflowing with creative talent? Flavor Flav is entering Doritos' annual "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest, putting himself in the running for a $1 million prize. [P6]
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• "Ominous Illness Sidelines UFC Champ Lesnar": Apparently ultimate fighting's heavyweight champ is holed up in hospital in North Dakota, and everyone's whispering about what's really wrong with him. The first reports said swine flu; then they said mono. The whole ordeal is weirdly secretive, which makes me think of that one rapper who had AIDS. Hopefully Lesnar has something really shocking, but also benign, so we don't have to feel guilty about it. Like a third testicle, that has suddenly begun to descend. [TMZ]
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• Julianne Moore will guest on 30 Rock as Jack's lover. Apparently the surfeit of 30 Rock guests' Emmy noms has the cream of Hollywood's crop begging for a chance to get on the show. [NYDN]
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• Why is everyone still freaking out over Brangelina going to Saturday's MOCA gala? She wore a black dress, he wore a suit. They stared at art and said nothing. Are the rest of our celebrities so boring that this pair's silent, monochromatic presence in a hushed art gallery two days ago is big enough to score top billing at RadarOnline? But wait, look at this sentence, it has a hyperlink: "Angelina looked quite different when she did a swimsuit modeling sessions as a teenager." Now I see. [RadarOnline]

Al Arabiya reports:

After making it on America's infamous "axis of evil," Syria will now become synonymous with Angelina Jolie's brood as the U.S. actress looks set to adopt a child from the Arab nation despite her partner Brad Pitt's objections.

Uh oh. Apparently, Brad is of the opinion that six kids is enough. The Jolie-Pitt clan currently counts three biological children and three adopted among their ranks, but Jolie has supposedly "fallen in love with" Syria after a recent trip, and insisted on adopting with or without her partner.

OK! Magazine reports that Jolie is adopting a little girl. Metro, a UK-based paper, offers some details from a source:

'He has made it clear that six children are more than he can handle,' claims an insider.

'The idea of one more seemed ludicrous, but Angie is determined to complete her rainbow family', said the source.

However, they also note that only Jolie's name was on the adoption papers for Maddox, who she adopted from Cambodia in 2002, while still married to Billy Bob Thorton. She also adopted Zahara solo, but Brad later legally become father of both kids. So it's possible that Angelina isn't driving Brad straight into Jen's arms with her baby-mania, but we still suspect that's the story tabloids are going to tell.

Angelina Jolie To Adopt Seventh, Syrian Child [TrueSlant]
Angelina Jolie Set To Adopt An Arab Child [Al Arabiya]
Angelina Jolie To Adopt Tot Number 7? [Metro]

• Angelina Jolie is the focus of two books and is supporting another. Reputed biographers Andrew Morton and Ian Halperin want to experience the thrill of writing about a subject who's already said everything you ever wanted to know about her and more. In fact, the ever growing Cult of Brange means you can't even make up anything interesting about her. Meanwhile Nick Kristoff, whose book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide Jolie would like you to read, got a taste of tabloid love in their company and was stunned. [Lainey Gossip]
• Joe Jackson observes Michael is worth more dead than alive, is gross. [Celebitchy]
• Madonna is the new God of Malawi. Madonna calls for lightning to strike Britain. [Us Weekly]
• Bai Ling decided it was a good idea to sleep naked next to a cheetah. Cheetah thought this was some kind of poor man's feast provided by the human race and didn't want to offend local custom so he tried to take a delicate nibble of Bai Ling's nibbly bits. Bai Ling is A) Freaked out. B) Safe. C) A Moron. [Dlisted]
• Simon Cowell must have a curse placed on him to be followed by hair-obsessed young men everywhere he goes. [Mirror]
• Brooke Shields went to a store and an employee asked her if she wanted any help. So she punched him in the eye, kicked him in the balls, tore his head off and jumped up and down on his dead body to see blood spurt out of his corpse. Okay, no she didn't but imagine if she had. [Fox 411]
• Sophie Monk as an undressed ladybug on the sidewalk for no reason. Site NSFW. [Hollywood Tuna]
• Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show is a little low on the "reality". *faint* [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson thinks the Scots are a bunch of quarrelsome drunks in skirts. Scotland is deserted today as all Scots died laughing. [Daily Fail]
• David Beckham stares at cheerleaders, is shocked women have curves. [Sun]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: This shit will never end. [Fox 411]
• Blind Item: C list cable reality star holds forth on tattoos, taboos and Jews. Sinks like a stone. You should know the answer! [CDAN]

• Today's big Rush and Malloy scoop: Brad and Angelina are looking to get a pad in the Upper West Side. I know what you're thinking: we've been through this before, and we did not like the results. The sacrificial real estate envy of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick cost so much emotionally to only have some computer nerd show up in their place. But Rush and Malloy are careful not to get your hopes up: the agents for the building is having problems selling the units, and they need to do so in order for the owner's offering plan to operate for another year. Anyway, I kind of don't want them here. Not that I'd prefer one celebrity over another, but at a certain point in New York, paparazzi nonsense begins to get in your way. Like, I'm sorry, but I don't want Brad and Angie Plus Three Imported Children And A Few Others Plus A Cabal Of Photogs pushing their way through Zabars while I try to get a bagel and not trip over the old bubbies who go there. Like, when you're in your neighborhood in New York, that kind of insane bullshit's the last thing you need. You're already paranoid and skittish and hungry enough as is. Also, can you imagine waiting in line at Gray's Papaya behind them? There are only two kinds of hot dogs, but seven kinds of juice, and you know they'd just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice and they'd all be crying and you'd just be like, for fuck's sake, I came to get a hot dog and now this? And then some vaguely European paparazzo would take a picture of you shoving a hotdog in your face and it would ruin Gray's Papaya for you. Just, like, ruin it. [Rush and Malloy]
  
  
• What? Partridge Family star Shirley Jones somehow made today's roundup. What did it take? The promise of nudity, of course. Jones was going to do a playboy spread until Hef saw the test shoot results and wanted to see more skin. So, Playboy subscribers, it's nice to know that the Hef is using your magazine as his own octogenarian porn vehicle, right? Okay, so, Jones is only 75. But still: Calendar Girls, ahoy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney couldn't reunite the Beatles, even with blow and Stevie Wonder. Paul McCartney came close to reuniting the Beatles on a coked-out night with Wonder and John Lennon. Now, take a deep breath, and one wild, insane guess as to why it didn't happen. Okay. Done guessing? If your answer doesn't rhyme with Foko Bono, it's wrong. What, you thought there was a problem with George Harrison or something? Honestly, the Walrus might've been Paul, but the blackbird of death was Yoko. [R & M]
  
  
• Also, Robert Plant is awesome and is being knighted for being awesome. [E!]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven was skeezing on Hayden Panettiere at the Entourage premiere on Thursday night. Away, old man. Seriously. Also, like every other Entourage-related item that's appeared anywhere, Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) was seen "cuddling" or something with Jamie Lynn-Sigler. If you don't watch the show, well, they're together on the show and in real life. And it is ridiculous-cute and gives hope to rotund, hat-wearing underachievers with bad nicknames that stick forever everywhere that one day they, too, may date Meadow Soprano. [Page Six]
  
  
• William Shatner couldn't get in on the Star Trek franchise revival feature, but he is wanted for the TJ Hooker version of this. Go figure. To be the Shat is a life lived curiously examined. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, yes: the lame sequel to yesterday's item about Jennifer Aniston shooting at the Daily News. You get to hear about how exciting and not contrived it was to work in a "real newsroom" and be issues "fake Daily News ID cards" and how Jennifer Aniston snacked on string cheese. Seriously. Way to bring the hurt, Daily News. Gossip fail. Oh, and really sad for the lack of crossover between the Rush and Malloy UWS scoop and this. Something like "Jennifer's sad and slaving it away with the rest of us hacks while her ex-mans, lady, and twelve kids are checking out a slick UWS pad and noshing on some Gray's Papaya." [Daily News]
  
  
• Brody Jenner's girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person whose name or existence I don't understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, you know, maybe? And then you were like, WTF, NO. [E!]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe is going to the custody hearing of Michael Jackson's children, and this somehow constitutes a People item. Then again, it's People. And here I am, linking to them. Is there an over-under on how long this thing's going to dominate the gossip newscycle? There's got to be a lottery somewhere. I'm going to take two years, to be replaced by the revelation that Ron Burkle is actually a Clinton stepbrother. Longshot, I know, but I think it'd do the trick. Who's got $10 to throw down? Oh, and also, Michael Jackson didn't want his Dad to come even remotely close to his children. God, wonder why. [People and Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern, and I haven't. Reminder: he's also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Page Six Gossip Cindy Adams hates The Hamptons. Now, normally, I'd tell you to avoid reading Cray-Cray Aunt Cindy's column because it's totally batshit old lady nonsense, but this is quite wonderful: she talks about going to garage sales in the Hamptons and explains how she acquired a pair of white fur Yak boots, among other things. Also, this: "I hate country and ants and air and the need to attend another art-gallery opening every weekend or some do-gooder esoteric charity event like, maybe, The Care and Feeding of The Endangered White Rhino of Tanzania." Today, you're Mama Cindy. Truth, Mama. Truth. [Page Six]

Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 3:30 PM
Subject: Today's New York Times
Importance: High

I don't normally address press stories about how we do our business
here at People. But today's New York Times pg. 1 story about Angelina
Jolie requires a response. In the lede, the story strongly suggests
that People, while negotiating for the twins pictures, had explicit
conversations about our "editorial plan" and made "a promise" that
coverage would be positive.

These sorts of stories have appeared in media gossip columns before.
I have ignored them in the past as the unfortunate fallout of competition
and sour grapes. But today's story, in a much different venue, takes these
rumors to a new level, so let me be absolutely clear: The suggestion that
we have ever made any promise of positive coverage, or have submitted
an editorial plan, is completely false. That I or anyone else would promise,
on paper or verbally, to purposely slant coverage as condition for acquiring
pictures, is insulting to all of us.

Here's what is true: Celebrities—-and senators and business executives and
athletes—are always trying to bend stories their way. We deal with that pressure
every single day and engage in many conversations regarding all elements of
coverage. Angelina Jolie is very candid about wanting attention for her charitable
efforts, and we have covered many of them because we believe they are interesting
stories. But in doing so, we have never relinquished editorial control. There have been
occasions when her goals and our needs could not be reconciled, and we have walked away,
as we have with countless other story subjects.

In our coverage of both celebrities and everyday people, People certainly often celebrates
their accomplishments and milestones. To say that our coverage of Angelina Jolie has not
been admiring would be disingenuous. But the suggestion in today's Times that this "positive"
coverage is codified and promised is totally bogus, and needs to be
rejected.

Larry

When you think of celebrity media today, think of two words: OK! magazine. Its entire business model is based on working *with* celebrities to come up with the nicest, most agreeable presentation possible. OK! is so celebrity-friendly it is edited by a former celebrity flack.

Although OK! may not be the most powerful celebrity magazine, its business methods pull US Weekly, People, and the rest of its competitors in its direction. Outlets have to fight for celebrity exclusives, and when a celebrity knows that she can go to OK! and be treated to only the nicest coverage in exchange for cooperation on a story, it's incumbent upon anyone else who wants to land that story to put up a similarly sweet offer.

The other significant part of today's celebrity media consists of the dirt-mongering gossip hounds—TMZ, Perez Hilton, etc. They place less stock in treating famous people respectfully, but they are susceptible to favor-trading.

So what many celebrities have come to realize is this: the fact that they will be covered is a given. The fact that they will have to endure a certain amount of unwanted published gossip is also a given. Modern media saturation ensures it. Luckily, they're in a position to counter any negative coverage from the dirtmongers with positive coverage from the friendlier celeb press. It's all waiting there, right out in the open. What they need is not a flack; what they need is simply a broker.

We think of the classic Hollywood publicist as a highly-connected favor trader in a position to keep a handle on the constant demands of the media with clever spin, keeping the bad news secret and the good news front-and-center. But the explosion of online media outlets has rendered this model anachronistic. The big media outlets that were once in a position to bargain with flacks are now struggling to keep up with online competitors.

So Brad Pitt doesn't need to pay a special PR person for her services. He can simply get his manager to handle it. He doesn't need a lying flack to call up newspaper editors and berate them; he just needs someone who can get the editor of celebrity weeklies on the phone to work out the best deal. He doesn't need a pit bull; W magazine just let him take its cover photo with his own camera, for chrissake. That's better PR than money can buy.

Eventually, Hollywood flackery will dwindle down to two primary categories: crisis specialists like PR ninja Mike Sitrick, whose services will be in demand as long as celebrities are fucking up in any way; and those who specialize in clients with some political inclinations, like Ken Sunshine (pictured), who reps Hollywood superliberals like Leo DiCaprio, helping to assure that they're taken seriously.

All others should be able to do away with their general-purpose flacks. Studios and networks can handle publicity for their own movies and shows. Managers can determine the best place to place stories for their celebrity clients. One less middleman won't be mourned. Even celebrities deserve to save a few bucks sometimes.

In case it slipped by you last week, Roseanne got off a Jon Voight blast labeling the Oscar winner as both a "used tampon" and "frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu" whose anti-Obama screeds are the bidding of the Republican Party. But Voight's an easy enough target; Roseanne, who's known to blame her worst writing on disgruntled interns rather than 'fess up to blogging under the influence, then took aim at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — and their kids:

Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party's worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? ... (Ps....it might be good for your asian and african children's self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)

Roseanne eventually came around (sort of), clarifying yesterday she only meant to cite "the media's images of [Brangelina that] are smelly and vile." We take the silence from the Pitt/Jolie compound to imply it's totally all good, but in his own response this afternoon, Voight wasn't so quick to forgive:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. ...

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. ... I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind).

Look, Jon, if anyone knows defaming, we know defaming, and Roseanne's Anthem was more along the lines of what we'd call "tuneless B-list ass-raping." Anyway, can you even defame a song? It's not like she went in the Washington Times and accused Obama of intending to initiate a bloodbath in Iraq. Ugh! Can't we just vote already?

• Jon Voight [Roseanne World]

• Jon Voight Fires Back [Faded Youth]

Unfortunately, our first visit to Gjelina only got worse from there.

At least the restaurant itself was nice to look at.

The main room had black walls with flowery engravements, offset by rich, warm wood.

They used wine bottles as decoration in another back room, with empty bottles comprising a dramatic chandelier.

The outside area was a mix of luxe and laid back, with a dramatic opening to the sky, offset by the architecture's clean lines and softened by billowing trees.

A fireplace burned in the center.

The bathroom's were even nice—old timey white tiles with dark wood touches. And you turned on the faucet with a giant wheel.

The kitchen was viewable through a long rectangular window. From our vantage point we could see a number of very hot blond surfer/skater type men working diligently away. We made a mental note to sit at the table underneath the window next time.

That is, if there was a next time.

The buffalo mozzarella appetizer finally arrived 45 minutes after we ordered it and, surprisingly, it didn't disappoint. But as my companion said, "You can't fuck up fresh buffalo mozzarella." However, they would have several other opportunities to screw up. First, the fries: they were overly salty and very small. It was as if we got the last bits at the bottom of the batch. Fail. The artichokes arrived and they also tasted like they had been doused in a bucket of salt. (Side note — don't drink wine and eat artichokes at the same time. It creates a very bad chemical reaction in your mouth and makes the wine taste like crap.)

The plate that was to be the pièce de résistance—the pork belly— was lukewarm and not as crispy as advertised and, shocker (!), too salty. My friend and I realized that this was the last of our dishes. She looked over at me, and said, "Is this the kind of place where we spend $100 and are still so hungry we have to go to the taco truck afterwards?" Yes. sadly, it seemed it was.

But because I am nothing if not fair (and nice!), I went back a second time with a different friend. Our ditzy blonde waitress was replaced by a flirty, dark-haired hunk (major improvement!), who, when we asked him about dessert, said, lustily, "Oooooooh, yes, they are allllll verrrrryyyyyy gooood." We made him talk about the desserts at least three times. We were seated closer to the Window of Hot Chefs and next to the fire pit, which had distinct advantages (it caused our waiter, during his second recital of the dessert menu to say, "Oooh my ass is on fire!" which was amusing), and disadvantages (one side of our face was burning up.) This time, the food and service was better; the asparagus came with egg and parmesan cheese, a surprisingly good combination.

And, I should note, this time it wasn't too salty. The albacore tuna carpaccio-concoction was just right, and the margarita pizza was light and crisp; it was almost like eating a fancy, well-made cracker.

And the dessert? Soooo gooood. Some sort of butterscotch pecan goodness with a lime-like infusion in the whip cream. I left substantially fuller than the first time. Of course, this could be because I ate an entire plate of fettucine alfredo before leaving my house. So, verdict: Though it's improving in quality and service, Gjelina is still a place where you will spend $100 and leave hungry. But at least it's pretty!

You see, Barack Obama didn't just stumble onto the cover of People magazine by chance. Oh no. It's all part of a big PR strategy! That's how things work in the high-level circles to which Bonnie Fuller is privy:

Like every in-demand A-list couple who concedes to allowing a peek behind the curtain, the Obamas insist this will be the "first and last" up-close and personal look at them as a family. What they don't admit to is that this was a carefully orchestrated, well-thought out brand presentation. And it isn't actually the first highly personal look at the photogenic family. No, it's the culmination of a publicity campaign designed to take advantage of the couple's charisma and Hollywood-worthy good look

Try to wrap your mind around this for a moment: the Obamas are actually using the celebrity press to get press for themselves as celebrities.

"And Michelle Obama has been demonized as a 'radical black bitch,'" points out Joe Dolce, partner in the media strategy of DolceGoldin, and the former editor in chief of Star magazine [and asshat and close friend of Bonnie Fuller].

We just thought that needed to be included. What do you think, Bonnie?

In the face of these challenges, I'm convinced that the marketing and PR experts surrounding the Obamas clued in to the enormous influence that "celebrities" have had on the American public, particularly women, over the past seven years since the emergence of Us Weekly, Star and other celebrity newsweeklies and the subsequent explosion of celebrity news.

These quote-unquote "celebrities" that Bonnie speaks of are the ones you see in newsweeklies like Star, formerly headed by Bonnie Fuller. Who can understand the intricate web of competing politcosocioeconomicultural interests here better?

A recent Associated Press-Yahoo News poll of more than 1,700 adults reported that 52% of Americans would like to invite Barack Obama to their summer barbecue vs. the 45% who would extend the invite to John McCain. So you can argue that the PR/marketing strategy is beginning to work.

You certainly could argue that, yes.

Is it also coincidental that Michelle confides to People that one of the sundresses she's wearing in their photos just happened to have been purchased at budget-conscious fashion mecca H&M. The message for these harsh economic times is that she's not shopping at Oscar de la Renta, like Cindy McCain. "You won't see Michelle in an evening gown. She's never going to be dressed up like the Queen of England," predicts PR king Howard Rubenstein, president of Rubenstein Associates. "That wouldn't be relatable."

That would indeed be strange, very strange. Final thoughts to sum up this post, which is now far too long?

Seven-year-old Sasha sports a peace sign T-shirt (how's that for a subliminal message?), Barack's in jeans and an open-neck shirt. They couldn't look more "normal" (vs. "not normal," as Star would say).

Seven-year-old Sasha Obama: She's just like us!

[Ad Age]

”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:

The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.

• POLICE: PAPARAZZI, GUARDS, FIGHT AT BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE'S CHATEAU [NYDN]

Even though its B.O. numbers didn't exactly scream "Sequel!", the folks behind 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair, also known as Yet Another Chance For Pierce Brosnan To Convince Us He's Charming, are in pre-production mode for the second installment, slated for a 2009 release. The film's original female lead, Rene Russo, intelligently declined to participate in the inevitable disaster, leading producers to seek out Jolie as her replacement. The only glitch? Said folks have worked with Jolie before on Wanted, and reportedly fear another round of Lohan-esque fainting spells the then-skinny-as-a-rail Jolie kept experiencing while on set. As a result, they're said to be requiring their leading lady to pack on 30 pounds. As in, now. One week after giving birth to twins. Which begs the question: is it possible that Jolie has sped far ahead of post-pregnancy slim fast stars Jessica Alba and J. Lo in shedding her tent-dress-requiring baby weight already? And if not, why the need for this unnecessary sequel to star such a "weighty" co-star?

Ah, yes. The role is that of an "action woman." Because Jolie hasn't ever portrayed a gunfire-equipped, stunt scene-ready, action hero before or anything.

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage]

• EXCLUSIVE: ANGELINA JOLIE'S TWINS CONCEIVED THROUGH IN VITRO [Us]
• ANGELINA JOLIE'S WEIGHTY ROLE [Female First]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

OK!

Pros: OK! publisher Richard Desmond is said to be determined to land the photos—his magazine is out to corner the baby picture market, remember. Desmond is leading negotiations for the rights himself, and he knows that he has a better shot at recouping his costs, because he controls 17 international editions that could all run the photos.

Cons: It's bad for any one magazine to corner any market, no matter how frivolous. Plus, landing these Brangelina pics would be considered a victory for objectionable soulless former flack and OK! editor Rob Shuter.

People

Pros: They landed the pics of Shiloh, Brangelina's earlier spawn. Plus, People is a more prestigious title than OK!. Their PR value is higher, at least domestically.

Cons: May not be able to bid as high as Desmond will. And they have less ability to distribute internationally. Is the solution a combo deal, perhaps—People with domestic rights and OK! with international rights? Well, whatever's best for the children.

But seriously, OK! will win, we think. All the money's going to charity, so Brangelina will go for Desmond's higher price for their baby's souls.

—The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, went before the cameras Saturday evening with Knox Leon's birth certificate; officially carved from Jolie's belly at 6:27 p.m., he was one minute older than little sis Vivienne Marcheline.

—Jon Voight is excited, even if he apparently had to pass along his grandfatherly love through second-rate gossip conduit Pat O'Brien and has yet to be summoned to his daughter's bedside. But! "If I were called today, I'd be there," he added.

—And seriously, Jolie would have called, except she and Pitt were having too much fun in the delivery room. No, really, said Dr. Michael Sussman: "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy. ... Saturday was a great day for us all."

—First photos of the blobs could fetch up to $20 million. We don't want to talk about it.

—Can't stand to live in a world without a pregnant Brangelina? US Weekly has just the remedy: The official "Angelina's Bump Days" memorial slideshow. And yes, Mary Hart — it's real. Or was, anyway.

[Photo Credit: AFP]