• 1. The Republican National Committee Is a Ponzi Scheme Palin says McCain charged her $50,000 to be vetted, and the RNC promised it'd pay her back when they won. Obviously, she was not reimbursed. Also obviously, McCain's camp denies this claim.
• 
  
• 2. Ethics Complaints Are Expensive At the time of her resignation as Alaska governor, Sarah's legal bills had reached $500,000.
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• 3. She Didn't Want the Clothes Also expensive: Her family's $150K makeover wardrobe, which McCain's staff forced them to buy—against their will!—for their debut. Sarah says the price tags flabbergasted her, and that she was told the clothes were "part of the convention."
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• 4. She Hates Katie Couric Palin "writes at length" about Katie Couric, who is biased, "badgering," and ignorant. Biggest Couric surprise: the McCain camp hired Katie's stylist for Sarah.
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• 5. Mostly, Though, She Pities Katie Sarah Palin's infamous interview with Couric was given out of pity, because Sarah wanted to do the ratings-averse female anchor a favor. Also, campaign aide Nicolle Wallace (the scapegoat for Palin's $150K shopping fiasco) said Couric would identify with her as a "working mother."
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• 6. She's Naming Names Speaking of campaign scapegoats: Mark Halperin reports that Palin names the campaign aides she thinks undermined her on the trail. Smart money's on Wallace and Steve Schmidt getting dragged through the mud.
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• 7. Her Literary Taste Tends Toward the 7th Grade Palin's favorite books are middle school classics The Pearl by John Steinbeck and Animal Farm by George Orwell, the latter of which she considers an uplifting political story. If those pigs beat the odds, so can I.
• 
  
• 8. The Campaign Handled Bristol's Pregnancy Wrong Palin says she rewrote the first public statement about her daughter's pregnancy, but the McCain campaign kept her "bottled up" and used their original statement instead. She found out when she heard a news anchor reading it on TV. She thought the campaign's statement inappropriately glamorized teen pregnancy.
• 
  
• 9. Levi Who? Most conspicuous absence: Levi Johnston, who is not mentioned even once in the book, including Palin's retelling of events at which he was present.
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• 10. No Flipping to the Back Second-most conspicuous absence: an index, which Halperin says is "subtle revenge on the party's Washington establishment, whose members tend to flip to the back pages and scan for their own names." This is possible, but I'm much more inclined to believe that her editors plumb forgot that this peculiar, vapid woman they were working with is an actual politician, who actually interacts with important people, and slipped into Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul mode by accident.

• 
  Update: AP's copy of Going Rogue wasn't an advanced copy—it was a leak!

Today he told The Insider, "At the end of the month I'm going to file for joint custody of Tripp." You can watch the episode tonight! As for the Palin family, he continues saying that they make it difficult for him to see his son.

He tells The Insider that his current arrangement is, "Not working. I'm done. It's going to have to go to court. They just finally pushed me over the edge."

And why shouldn't Levi have custody of his kid? Sure, he's going to put his hockey equipment in the pages of Playgirl but that's not any worse than Sarah Palin pimping out her family to get elected. Levi might not be the brightest bulb, but he has demonstrated he can do what it takes to provide for himself and his son. Also, with the Vanity Fair article and all this Playgirl hubub, he's proven that he is not afraid of the Wicked Witch of Wasilla. Levi will do what is right for Levi, and for that he deserves a gold star, a kiss on the cheek, and an exploding fist bump with fireworks.

We can't wait for Sarah Palin's official response. It will probably sound something like this: "You should never give a baby to a nasty dirty gay who will star in pornography for homosexuals. He will probably wrap Tripp's Christmas presents in naked pictures. Then he will take him to a death panel where he and Barrack Obama will engage in demonic rituals. Who would want their for their grandchild? If I allowed my daughter Bristol to speak, she would say the baby is much safer here with us. We wrap him in rainbows and let him ride a unicorn to school!"

Good luck, Levi. You're gonna need it.

Let's go straight to some quotes from the interview:

On the Vanity Fair piece: "I stand by it and I'm cool with everything I said. The route I chose to pick was just because they wouldn't let me see my kid. So I didn't really think that there was another way. That was the huge thing that made me do this. I don't want to (say it was retaliation)...I mean, I guess. If they would've let me see my kid, everything's fine, I never would've had to do any of that. They were gettin' scared. They know I know a lot. I still know more than what's out there. Then it got bad again and I said screw it, Vanity Fair article.

And on the custody issues Levi's having now: It's startin' to get bad again. They're making it kind of a pain in the ass again (to see Trip). I know I'm gonna end up (going to court). There're a lot of secrets and a lot of things that I haven't put out there that are bad...so I don't know if I want to. Some of the stuff I got, kept in, would either really hurt her or really get her in trouble. So, I really don't want to say anything else. I'm not that kind of person, no matter how much she pisses me off. I don't want to leak anything huge on her.

Okay, so, questions:

1. Is Levi Johnston screwing with all of us? It's entirely possible. An interesting way to gauge this would be to figure out the timeline on the Vanity Fair piece? Did Levi approach VF? Vice versa? Was there a lag between an offer and the acceptance of the offer? Despite all of the custodial trauma Levi's claiming, you've gotta wonder if he isn't enjoying his time in the limelight. I can't imagine he isn't. On the other hand, walking around L.A. with the same big guys he was seen at Monkey Bar with have been the most egregious extent of his famewhoring. He could, theoretically, be doing much, much worse.

2. What the hell isn't he talking about? And why isn't he? Sure, Levi's claiming principles as the obstacle we're facing to knowing everything he's got on the Palin family, but this 19 year-old kid from the sticks is either as innocent as he's assumed to be, or is far, far savvier than anyone could ever imagine (or at least savvy enough to listen to good advice). Hanging on to whatever he knows and leaking info out in droplets could maybe, possibly, profoundly scare the shit out of Sarah Palin and her oft-projected 2012 run's potential. Then again, maybe she isn't running, maybe she actually is done, and maybe a cost-benefit breakdown of what Levi's leaks could get him as opposed to the trouble it could cause for Palin's entire family really isn't worth it to him. He's a 19 year-old father, though: so what, exactly, is?

3. Will the threat of a lawsuit do anything to the Palin camp? And what could a lawsuit mean for them? Either way, we're gonna find out, and with it, the weight of whatever Johnston may or may not have, and the character of his balls if forced to move it forward. [Ed. Oh, we'll definitely know that soon enough. Intimately.]

Listen to the audio. We read and read about a lot of bullshit. We watch it on TV and in movies. But just the audio track? It's different. There's that dumb line from a movie: the truth just sounds different. Well, man, it does.

'Could be that there's another way for him to earn a buck that doesn't have to do with being in the spotlight—he remembers at the beginning of the interview his prospects in hockey or as an electrician—because Levi sounds down, out, and tired of dealing with all of this shit. Maybe he just wants to see his kid, and move forward with his life as something other than Levi Johnston, Asspain to Sarah Palin.

Or he's an underdog genius who's playing the media and the entire Palin narrative to his liking. At this point, pick one: the odds are about the same. More highlights:

On Sarah Palin's Vice President nomination: "Didn't mean anything to me. I didn't care. I didn't think it was that huge. I'm just gonna sit here and not say a word."

On Palin's personal interaction nature: "You can catch her in a lie a lot of the time. She don't read the newspaper. A lot of the things she's sayin', I know she's lying."

On the outdoorsmen nature of the Palin family: "I'd say (Sarah's) definitely stretchin' it big time. They're not a big hunting family."

On racism in the Palin household: "No, not (Sarah Palin)..no. She never said anything like that. She's not the racist type."

On Palin's loss: "After the election, she didn't want us to get married, really. You could tell that they're all sad about everything. I don't know, just her attitude towards everything was pretty down. I don't think she had much care for anything for a while. She hung around in her room a lot. I think she just wanted to be left alone for a while. She just went through a big depression, I think. She was bummed out bad."

On his breakup with Bristol: "There's no one to blame for it. I mean, if it didn't work, it didn't work."

On what he thinks of Sarah Palin now: "I still don't think bad about her. But...You know, just some of the shit she pulled on me—encouraging Bristol not to let me see the kid and everything else, from her acting like she liked me for four or five plus years, and then going on saying that stuff, is just ridiculous how fake they are...it's just ridiculous."

Again: the truth just sounds different. Is this it?

[Photo of Levi in "happier" times via Getty Images/Robyn Beck]

Mena, who works at Kardashian's retail store, insists that Kardashian should be showered with praise for keeping the baby. Rather than getting an abortion, Kardashian's letting the world ogle at her obstetrical adventure. And this deserves our praise!

The fact that Kourtney puts everything out there about her pregnancy for the world to know makes her more of a role model. It's realistic and it's the truth, and for a young girl going through the same thing — forgetting to the take the pill, considering abortion — it's nice to know Kourtney is someone a person can look up to in the public eye.

Hmm. Well, okay. Yes, Kardashian, we suppose, should get a thumbs up for her bravery — being pregnant's scary! — but we'd hardly call her a "role model." She's just a girl who got knocked up and decided to keep it. Did anyone, other than social conservatives, call Bristol Palin a role model? No. The tabloids dumped on her and turned her into a political side show. Or, at the very least, a distraction.

As for this business of young women looking up to Kardashian: the last thing we need is an army of Jonas Brother loving ladies running around with tiny people growing inside of them. But, that said, Kourtney's an adult, makes her own money and definitely has a support system in place to help her care for this child. We won't call her a role model, but we won't castigate her for getting all bred and shit.

Of course, this is all just a publicity stunt. Griffin's a savvy, recently dumped publicity-whore and Levi's a painfully simple, recently-dumped publicity whore, so all of this makes perfect sense. Reports E! Online:

Asked what it's like being Griffin's date for the show, he smiled, "I just, you know, look at her, shut up and do what I'm told."

While Griffin has yet to visit Johnston in his hometown, she actually has been to Alaska.

"I have played Alaska, but so nowhere near where he grew up," she said. "I played a Rosie [O'Donnell] lesbian cruise there and I'm pretty sure Levi wasn't on that cruise. I mean, I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Levi is not kicking it with the lesbian cruises."

Now behold, love, as captured by an AP red carpet photographer. First, like a good Alaskan gentleman, Levi seals it with a kiss:



And here's perhaps the most least passionate hand-hold even captured by still photography:





So the burning question on everyone's mind has to be — did Levi nail her?

David Letterman made a joke about Bristol Palin being impregnated by Alex Rodriguez, because that is basically your standard "man famous for sleeping with famous people sleeps with lady famous for sleeping with people" monologue joke format, and both of those people are famous for sleeping with people (Madonna and Levi Johnston, not respectively).

Because she is the world's worst human being, Sarah Palin seized on the opportunity to creepily, just really creepily, accuse Letterman of making a "rape" joke about "raping" her other daughter, Labyrinth Willow. Palin said rape many, many times! And she repeatedly called Mr. Letterman a "pervert," in order to suggest, to anyone listening, that the old pervert wanted to rape her 14-year-old daughter. This is actually pathological. Why does she continue to insist, on the TV, that everyone wants to rape her daughter, when no one has ever suggested this thing? Being her child sounds basically like the worst thing in the world, besides maybe being her running mate.

Now obviously Governor Palin (she is a governor!) is not doing this on her own! She is not just on her bear couch, by herself, complaining about the creepy man to Todd, or whatever! She is being aided, of course, by the mass media, who interview her, a lot, because she is a celebrity who attracts attention and coverage (like this blog post).

And also she is being aided by the various culture warriors of the internet, who have started a petition, or something. 100 years ago, they got a man they didn't like fired from CBS, and they are pretty sure they can do it again, if they complain a lot. (Why oh why won't they turn their attention to Leno?)

They have totally won an important victory! Embassy Suites is pulling advertising from CBS's website. And, hey, one of the Teabagging party guys is involved in this. The one who Twitters a lot and doesn't pay his taxes.

Anyway this loss of website sponsorship will probably cripple CBS and they will replace Letterman with famous comedian Glenn Beck tomorrow. Another win for the terrible liberal "PC Police."

Palin continued her insistence that Letterman had made a joke about the "statutory rape of my 14-year-old daughter, Willow."

When Matt Lauer mentioned Letterman's on-air analysis of the jokes he was making about Bristol Palin, who got knocked up at age 17 and had what Republicans call an "illegitimate child" with a "baby daddy" that she never married and quickly broke up with just like all those unruly black people do in the inner city because she was raised by horrible people, Palin unraveled the whole conspiracy for him:

You and anybody else are extremely naive to believe that very convenient excuse of David Letterman's the other day. It took him a couple of days to think of that excuse.

Also, she hopes people start "rising up" against him. And says that it's "not cool" to joke about statutory rape. Our question: Why is she stressing the "statutory" part? Why not just go the whole hog and accuse him of joking about Alex Rodriguez—a known Hispanic!—and Eliot Spitzer—a known liberal pervert who might have a venereal disease!—brutally and non-consensually raping her 14-year-old daughter, which is clearly what Letterman meant?

• Well ladies, you've all been lusting for the Alaskan cock-gangsta Levi Johnston for a while, and now your dreams can finally come true. He and Bristol are totally over after the Palin's bribed her with a pickup truck or something and now he's looking to lay down some fresh Alaskan pipe, if you know what I mean. [Daily News]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt, the "King of Weed," has been struggling with addiction problems for years and has basically given up on ever quitting and just gets high all day long. [Star]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is no fan of The Hills, calling it "so lame and fake," and we just think this is beyond hilarious in so many ways that we can't stop giggling about it. [US Magazine]
  
  
• Kate Hudson is most definitely boning Alex Rodriquez. She's even traveling with him to away games and staying with him in his hotel room and something just seems so utterly perfect about this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle may get pulled from the finale of Britain's Got Talent because she's cracking the hell up and is driving the crazy train right off the cliff right about now. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Tom Brady says that he is perfectly fine having only one child, therefore he has no plans on impregnating Gisele ever. [Daily News]
  
  
• Candy Spelling blames Tori for the death of her husband Aaron, saying that Tori's elusiveness made him lose the will to live. [DListed]
  
  
• Tom Sizemore is still out there doing what Tom Sizemore does—-Getting arresting for hopelessly dumb shit. [Hollywood Rag]
  
  
• American Express is suing Courtney Love for over $300k in unpaid charges to her account. [DListed]
  
  
• Coldplay is having to cancel dates on their current world tour because Chris Martin caught the pig AIDS or something and is losing his voice. [Sun]

They watched as the 19-year-old mother—she has an out-of-wedlock son named Tripp with a beautiful, bewildered shaved bear who plays ice hockey—crossed the stage, finishing school with a 3.497 GPA, only "point zero-zero-something" marks away from graduating with honors.

As for the big, bright, snowy future, Bristol plans on getting a two-year business degree at the Wasilla University Annex, then going into real estate. She'll sell igloos to Eskimos and, I dunno, piles of logs to beavers or something.

A tip of the mortarboard to you, young Ms. Palin! May the rest of your life unfold as perfectly as your past did. Wait. No. Scratch that.

Oh, and, incidentally, my favorite comment from the People article:
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Jarrar, an Iraqi architect who chronicled the U.S. invasion of his country on his blog, is out promoting a book comprised of posts from his aforementioned blog, The Iraq War Blog, An Iraqi Family's Inside View of the First Year of the Occupation. He made mention of the meeting with Palin today, but didn't get into the specifics of what they discussed, though it really doesn't take much straining of the imagination to get a good sense of what probably took place.

One can easily see Jarrar walking into to Palin's office, being greeted by some folksy aide, one who probably got the job because she funneled beers with Sarah on the Alaskan tundra back in high school, being led into an office featuring a dead bear draped over a sofa (dead bears really do tie rooms together, you know?!), a dead bear that Sarah probably killed all by her own rootin'-tootin ' self with the shiny new "all-white assault weapon" recently gifted to her by the NRA, a dead bear she killed for having the audacity to shit in her precious Alaskan woods, directly on top of a spot the kindly folks at Exxon told Sarah that they wanted to drill for oil on no less, good ole Alaskan oil, much better than than weak-ass Iraqi shit you see, because Alaskan oil comes from God's bowel movements and can convert people out of faggotism and make your dick hard and heal leprosy and such.

Sarah, like a true evangelical Christian, then probably couldn't help herself from trying to convert the Godless Iraqi goat-fucker standing before her into a life of JESUS worshippin'. I imagine she explained to Jarrar in great detail how JESUS was the only way to true salvation, and how if he only accepted him into his life as his lord and savior Raed Jarrar could carry out all the ignorance and biggotry that his precious little Iraqi heart desired, because by accepting JESUS into your life all of those sorts of things are accepted in the United States (and really, does anything else really matter?), as long as you go to church every Sunday and throw a few bucks into the collection plate and eat fried chicken at the weekly bingo and vote Republican like a good Goddamn American, unlike the ignorance and biggotry perpetrated by those silly Muslim and Islamic folks. Everybody knows that that shit they believe is just plain silly, and if they only had the good sense to love Jesus they never would've had their stupid fucking country invaded in the first place. Everybody knows that.

Sarah probably also spent some time explaining to Jarrar how fucking outside of a relationship sanctioned by the state is a really bad thing, something that could lead to horrible, HORRIBLE blessings like what happened to poor ole Bristol, who now has learned the lesson of her ways and is relegated to gettin' finger-banged in the extended cab of a Ford F-350 back behind the Wasilla Sports Complex. Then, in her very next breath, it's likely that Sarah launched into a Herculean bloviation about how much she just hates government intrusion into the private lives of its citizens, about how such nonsense is nothing more than COMMUNISM, all the while completely oblivious to hypocrisy and contradictions laden within those statements, just like so many of the other things she claims to believe.

So yeah, it's easy to see how Raed Jarrar could find Sarah Palin very fucking annoying.

The forced cheerfulness already makes every morning show host seem mentally ill, but the second they switch to Diane Sawyer "serious interviewer" mode all vestiges of humanity and dignity leak out through their wingtips.

We know Bristol, an adult, is holding herself out there as the poster child for... something about pregnancy being bad, we guess, but still—no one deserves to have Chris Cuomo ask you where your baby came from on television.

Bristol appeared on Good Morning America to polish her scarlet letter and to explain, at the behest of whomever, that while abstinence did not work for her, because, you know, she wanted to have sex with Levi Johnston (and who wouldn't!), it is the only option for you and your child. If she had to do it all over again, what would she do? Not do it all over again. She would wait ten years to have sex. Or, she'd wait ten years to have baby Tripp, but she doesn't ever mention those crazy "condom" or "birth control" options so we're forced to conclude that she thinks she'd hold off on doing it until she was almost 30.

Bristol is the "Teen Ambassador" for some group that plans to prevent teen pregnancy by reminding them that having a baby isn't really so bad, you get to have sex and lots of attention and you get to be on TV and your parents will love and support you. The group, "Candie's Foundation," at least mentions contraception on its website, but on the whole they seem to be trying the same fetishization of virginity and motherhood thing that has worked so well over the last decade. Shouldn't the ambassador for preventing teen pregnancy be either some girl who successfully made it through her teenage years without a baby or, alternatively, some poor pregnant girl from a broke-ass family who can't afford fucking diapers?

So the old Bristol's occasional lapses into reality-based statements—like, abstintence "is not realistic"—are mostly gone, replaced by the creepy, watchful presence of Todd Palin reminding her, and us, of the party line: wait!!!!

Meanwhile her old boyfriend Levi was on trashier, low-rent CBS to give his side of the story.

Watch CBS Videos Online

But at the same time, you know, abstinence is a great idea, but I also think that you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don't just think telling young kids, you can't have sex, it's just — it's not going to work. It's not realistic.

Look, when some dumb mook's method of waging a publicity war against his ex's family is to actually make the first reasonable, realistic, and responsible statement on teenage sex of this entire shitshow, well, it says something about America.

How did Sarah Palin "know" about Johnston's sweaty teen sex with her daughter Bristol? Did they just straight leave the door open? And why did passive, mumbly Levi turn into, for a flash, the swaggering reincarnation of Elvis Presley when he said "all teens, or most of them, are sexually active?"

You can watch the highlights reel at left and try to make sense of this bizarre, queasy-making scene for yourself.

Also, Levi said abstinence is stupid, Bristol is stuck up and he's going after the Palins, in court. Predictably. (The court thing was via his mom and/or sister, but whatever.)

In the end he came across as just kind of reluctant and overwhelmed and very ready for his 15 minutes, as the internet hecklers called it, to be up. (So he can get back to "sheep hunting." Heh.)

According to "a pal of Levi's" who spoke to The National Enquirer Johnston is shopping a book about his relationship with Bristol Palin and her family, the Palins of Wasilla, who rule Alaska, a distant frigid socialist oil-state. He will write this book, according to Pal, to finance his battle for custody of young Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, his child with Palin.

Because, yes, a 19-year-old hockey-playing high school drop-out who just wants to go work in the damn oil fields obviously wants a long, drawn-out, expensive custody battle with the most powerful and vengeful family in Alaska so that he can raise his mistake on his own. Obviously.

Another reason this book will never happen:

A pal of Levi's told The ENQUIRER that the young father is eager to write the book to provide financial security for his son Tripp and himself, to set the record straight.

"If Levi could get a million bucks, it would be worth telling all he really knows." said the source.

Right. Who does he think he is, Miley Cyrus? Or some sort of Twittering wine jerk?

Most of the story is devoted to Todd's deadening and humiliating life as a stay-at-home dad, which is occasionally punctuated by concentrated blasts of testosterone-boosting stuff like running an oil rig and racing around on snowmobiles, which some people insist on calling "snow machines."

But reporter Luke Dittrich hung around in Palin-land before Bristol and Levi parted ways, and caught some now-poignant exchanges between the family's matriarch and the loutish son of an OxyContin dealer that Bristol tried to drag in to the family:

Bristol comes into the kitchen with Levi Johnston, her fiancé. He's a good-looking kid, very Abercrombie & Fitch. He says hi all around but doesn't say much more. When he's over here, it's usually just him and Todd and Trig in a house full of women, and the women dominate the conversation. He nods at Todd and Todd nods back.

"Levi got his wedding ring stuck on his thumb," Molly says.

"Levi!" Sarah says. "That's par for the course. That means you're stuck. That's symbolic or something." She pulls a roast out of the refrigerator and calls Levi over and starts showing him how to marinate it. "Now, Levi, look, I'm gonna put this stuff in here. . . ."

[snip]

Sarah turns and looks back over her shoulder at Levi, who's peering uncertainly into the oven. "Is it cooking, Levi?" she asks.

Symbolic! Or something!

The blog approaches its subject forensically. Palin's Deceptions claims that MySpace was "scrubbed" of messages from Bristol, who had been a prodigious user of the site to stay in touch with friends in Wasilla while she was living in Juneau, around June of 2007. But it has collected, cross-referenced, and collated what messages remain on MySpace from, to, and among Palin's circle of friends to come up with a portrait of teen living in God's Country, including apparent revelations that Sarah Palin had previously accused her daughter of being pregnant and that Bristol's brother once told their mother that Bristol was a "stoner."

The view of teen life in Wasilla Alaska gleaned from the fifty or so MySpace pages that our researchers have followed diligently shows a sad, disappointing, in fact, very upsetting tale. If these are the family values that the McCain campaign hoped Gov. Palin would bring to America, all I can say is "no thanks." Drug and alcohol use is detailed, even boasted about regularly, by teens as young as fourteen and fifteen. Young women who are no more than fifteen discuss who is f***ing whom with the ease of a discussion about who will pick up the pizza. Bristol Palin, presented to the country by her mother as an honor student, at age 16 does not spell the word "decided" correctly.

Among the choice communiques culled is this May 2007 conversation between Bristol and "Johnny," whom the blog identifies (citing the National Enquirer) as the boy Bristol dated before Levi Johnston:

That would be a full year before Bristol actually became pregnant, rendering Palin's later claims that she was surprised at Bristol's pregnancy somewhat disingenuous.

Also, if the MySpace posts pulled here are to be believed, Bristol was a pothead—or at least her brother Track narced on her to their mom that she was.

The MySpace messages also, according to Palin's Deceptions, provide ample evidence that Bristol knew plenty of pregnant teenagers in Alaska, something she has denied. "This is totally false and seems like a pointless lie," according to the blog. "Numerous girls in Bristol's circle at Wasilla had already had babies."

Caveats: Palin's Deceptions provides no links to the MySpace pages cited, claiming that they have been private or removed. The blog did, however, provide a pdf of screengrabs of the comments along with various items of corroborating evidence, which is where we got the images used above. But that pdf has since been taken down, the blog says, "while we check a final fact." Could they be wrong? Yes! Will every teenager's private exploits forever be archived and catalogued for public viewing and mockery thanks to MySpace? Yes! Here's Bristol's alleged final MySpace comment—the last one that survived "scrubbing" by Palin's flying monkeys:

The analysis comes in three parts. Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is forthcoming.

UPDATE: The proprietor of Palin's Deception writes in to say that the pdf with screenshots of all the messages can be found here.

This whole mess began when candidate Palin roped Levi Johnston onto the stage at the Republican National Convention, and promised he and her daughter. by the obviously pregnant, would be married by the election. That never happened. And after Palin failed to become vice president and returned to Wasilla, Alaska, things went downhill fast for the young couple.

Johnston proclaims his devotion to his son Tripp and touches on the ongoing, pointless debate over whether his family is white trash — they are, but so are the Palins, and none of them less lovable for it. But the real issue are whether Sarah Palin, a crusader for family values, sanctioned Johnston's sleepovers at the Palin house. His sister Mercede says she didn't even get to see him during the two months that he lived there — a charge she first made on MySpace.

The Palin camp is accusing Johnston of seeking publicity. Pot, kettle, etc. But they may have a point. At the end of the interview, anchorlady Maggie Rodriguez reveals that Johnston hopes to find work as an actor or model — otherwise it's back to pursuing a career as an electrician. Levi, may we suggest modeling? Speaking audibly is considered a prerequisite for acting.

There's one lingering question to this family feud: How close were the Johnstons and the Palins before Sarah Palin became a national political figure. Palin's Deception, a blog dedicated to proving that Trig Palin is not Sarah Palin's baby, raises an interesting point with a photo of Sarah Palin and Mercede Johnston in the Palin's kitchen. Then there's the theory that Sherry Johnston, Levi's mom, who was busted in December for possession and distribution of oxycontin, was the dealer for Sarah's son Track, whose alleged drug problems were aired last September. What else went on between these upstanding citizens of Wasilla?

Johnston finally admitted, after Banks pressed him for the millionth time, that he and Palin sometimes fooled around without using birth control prior to Palin's unplanned pregnancy.

Other enertaining moments included a prediction from Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, that he will have to sue the former Republican vice presidential nominee's daughter for the right to visit his child more frequently.

Johnston also discussed how unhappy Sarah Palin was to receive word that her family would forever be joined with the "white trash" Johnstons via the miracle of teen pregnancy, thus ruining Palin's shot at being seen as the Republican Party's leading intellectual voice and arbiter of cultural refinement.

And that's just the Levi Johnston madness, all condensed into the clip above. Below, find samples of Johnston family insanity, including mother Sherry Johnston explaining that if she gets a picture of her grandchild, she promises not to sell it to the tabloids, for meth.

Given that Sarah Palin is one of the few obvious, plausible Republican candidates for president in 2012, MoveOn or some other Democratic 527 is probably splicing the choicest Tyra bits into an attack ad right now. Tagline: "Sarah Palin '12: Bring Wasilla's Family Feud to the White House."

The dropout is Levi Johnston, who attended 2008's Republican National Convention as a celebrated guest-of-honor, feted for his ability to accidentally impregnate the teenage daughter of the party's Vice Presidential candidate and that daughter's happy willingness to have the child and, we were all promised, marry the boy, hopefully by November.

That didn't work out, thank god. Bristol Palin's life had probably been ruined enough for one year. The GOP lost, the Palins went back to Alaska, and Levi and Bristol broke up, because they really had nothing in common besides hot animal high school lust.

And Sarah Palin lied about them a couple more times, but other than that, no one cared anymore. Until Levi's sister Mercede started blogging about it on the MySpace, which led to tabloid coverage, which led to an AP interview, which led to ABC's camera crew tracking down Levi and staging this odd interview.

"You guys are civil when you chat?"

"Yeah. For the most part."

Poor Levi Johnston. John McCain should be even more ashamed of himself than he probably already is. Twitter about this, Senator!

• There are two sides to every story. The witness's and the publicist's. After a Stalker whispered to us that Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef hostess and former Shalmiar to Salman Rushdie's Clown, had raged at a (fellow!) hostess at Schiller's Liquor Bar on Thursday night, her publicist told Page Six that it is untrue. "She had called in advance, and they were expecting her, and everyone was lovely. She loves Schiller's and their staff. It's totally untrue." [P6]
• Estranged mother and daughter dynamic duo Candy and Tori Spelling are in a race to publish books that few people will read! Candy keeps pushing up her Stories from Candyland release date to compete with Tori's new book, VicTori Over Japan or some punny nonsense. We understand why Tors is doing this, she's broke now that her B&B went bust, but Candy has like four hundred trillion dollars, plus the still-beating heart of Jennie Garth in a small wooden box, given to her by a hunter. Why does she need book monies? To fuck over her daughter, that's why! [P6]
• Matt Damon's wife, a Miami barmaid named Luciana who was heroically rescued from sticky night booze-swilling obscurity by the dashing Jason Bourne, received a T-shirt with the phrase "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" emblazoned across it, along with a note that said "You're actually the only person who can wear this." She doesn't know who sent it. But whatever. Bragger. [P6]
• Are Drew Barrymore and her erstwhile flop-topped boyfriend Justin Long back together? Might be! They were caught rubbing their faces together on Thursday last, says a source named Brew Darrymore. [P6]
• As feared, Olivia Palermo cannot be destroyed by fire. [P6]
• Oh dear. Battered music star Rihanna might be starring in a "young and sexy" remake of the 1992 smash hit The Bodyguard. That animate pile of muscle and sinew that talks, Channing Tatum, is slated to costar. [NYDN]
• Jessica Simpson continues to do the whole dumb-blonde routine, even though people long ago gave up the idea that it was a joke, and are now concerned that perhaps she's unwittingly wearing lead Daisy Dukes. Whatever the answer, she's still messing up songs at concerts that people presumably paid a lot to see. So. [Us]
• Levi Johnston, the strapping young moose hunter who saw Russia, saw France, and saw himself inside Bristol Palin's underpants, explains that the couple broke up partly because he wasn't "mature" enough. The 19-year-old, clearly burdened by the sad separation but dedicated to his search for clarity and adulthood, proceeded to crush a beer can on his head, finished pipelining that chick who works at the Pipeline Club, hopped aboard his Ken's First Snowmobile Snow Machine, and headed off toward Anchorage, whooping loudly. He'll come back any day now, just you wait and see dear. [Us]
• Oh lord. Perpetually lonely and miserable actress Jennifer Aniston is now claiming that she wasn't, in fact, dumped by John Mayer. As she ran down the street, in a tattered wedding gown, carrying a small boombox playing "Here Comes the Bride" on a cassette over and over again, she told passersby that it was her decision to end the year-long relationship. "It was! It was meee!!" she shrieked into the night. The next morning, she was escorted off the Johnson family's lawn in Thousand Oaks. As a policeman put her into the car, she looked up with big, watery eyes, and said "It was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" He nodded kindly, shut the door, and off they drove into the sun-dappled brand new day. [Showbiz Spy]