Osbourne, who judges the American version of Britain's Got Talent, the talent show that catapulted the homely Boyle to super stardom, said on the Opie & Anthony Show that she likes little Susan despite the fact that God "hit her with a fucking ugly stick":

I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped ass. God bless her. It's like, 'You go girl'. She does look like a hairy asshole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'god bless' and here's a Gillette razor.

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

After perky Meredith Vieira struggles to give the debatable superstar a compliment, stumbling over words to question if she's had a "slight little makeover?", Suze, perhaps insulted, forces a smile.

"Just a slight one," she responds with usual British irony. Because, really, in comparison to the old maid who formerly only warbled to her kitty cats, you know the New Improved Miss Boyle's a-feeling like Heidi Klum these days. When asked if she's having a good time, Suze grimaces, and forces out "I'm having a wonderful time" and "I don't want it to end" as if ramming a nail in her hand.

We know all this is "new" to the humble country virgin, and she's supposedly "overwhelmed," but we can't help thinking that puppet master Simon Legree Cowell is there in the background whipping this poor lass out into the spotlight, else he must eat crow. Next up, a spread in Harper's Bazaar! The strong arm of the press machine keeps on churning...

Full interview airs on NBC July 22.

Diplomat Sir John Sawers is supposed to be taking over the Secret Intelligent Service (better known as Her Majesty's Secret Service) in October. What kind of information did Lady Shelley Sawers, his wife, let loose on in her Facebook profile?

For starters: their friends! 'Cause it's Facebook, right? Photos show relationships with other diplomats, British actors (don't worry, nobody cool), and family. Family like Lady Sawers' half-brother Hugo Haig-Thomas, a former British diplomat that John Sawers succeeded on his way to the top. Haig-Thomas is "an associate and researcher" of a historian.

Not just any historian, though: Holocaust Denier David Irving. Winner! From Irving's extensive Wikipedia page:

By the mid-1980s, Irving associated himself with the Holocaust-denying Institute for Historical Review, began giving lectures to groups such as the far-right German Deutsche Volksunion, and publicly denied that the Nazis systematically exterminated Jews in gas chambers during World War II.[103] Irving was a frequent speaker for the DVU in the 1980s and the early 1990s, but the relationship ended in 1993 apparently because of concerns by the DVU that Irving's espousal of Holocaust Denial might lead to the DVU being banned.[95] He also alleged that parts of The Diary of Anne Frank might have been forged by her surviving father.

Awesome. Haig-Thomas has noted that he "doesn't necessarily share (Irving's) views," but he sure as hell doesn't condemn them.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.What else is interesting? Well, the family likes Liza Minelli, as there's a picture of his wife and daughter re-enacting Caberet. But that's not nearly as interesting as, say, his codename, which was going to be "C" once he started working for MI-6. Read one awesome wall posting: "Congrats on the new job, already dubbed Sir Uncle "C" by nephews in the know!"

Theater Geeks, you'll appreciate this tidbit on their daughter, of whom there were also several pictures of on Sawers' Facebook profile:

Corinne, 22, a recent Oxford University graduate who is now an aspiring actress...recently began touring with Jenny Seagrove in the play Pack Of Lies, coincidentally about a middle-class household suddenly at the centre of an espionage drama when an MI5 spy turns up at their house.

Finally, location, location, location:

Despite the security implications, Lady Sawers revealed on Facebook the location of the London flat used by the couple and the whereabouts of their three children and of Sir John's parents.

Wow. The problem here, if you didn't notice, was that this guy's supposed to lead up one of the world's two most powerful secret service organizations. And serious secrets - like where the guy lives, who his friends are, who his family is, and what his wife's favorite Liza Minelli musical is - have been exposed (along with his Speedos, which terrorists and enemies of the British State everywhere will, at the very least, get a laugh out of). But politicians on both sides of the aisle in England don't think it's too cute: both liberals and conservatives are calling for his employment with MI-6 to be in question, which is funny, 'cause don't you think they'd just fire him? Eh, the Foreign Secretary doesn't think so:

Foreign Secretary David Miliband today dismissed allegations of recklessness. He told BBC1's Andrew Marr Show: 'It is not a state secret that he wears Speedo swimming trunks.' He added: ‘He was appointed 10 days ago to be the head of MI6; he's an outstanding professional who will do a really good job in an outstanding organisation that does a huge amount for this country'

At least we get to blame the outing of Valarie Plame on dumbasses like Robert Novak, who can't keep a good Beltway secret to themselves when they hear it. This is just piss-poor form. Also, if Chuck Barris can keep it a secret for twenty years and you can't, you've got problems. The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

MI6 chief blows his cover as wife's Facebook account reveals family holidays, showbiz friends and links to David Irving [Daily Mail]

Pretty good, from what we can tell. Some amateur video shot from the performance that ended a few hours ago has already made its way onto the YouTubes. Take a look and decide for yourself:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

She looks like she might be doing okay, but, come on: a step at a time. If you've watched anything involving Susan Boyle, it's hard not to feel a little invested in this woman's sanity as an active participant on the precipice it's been hanging from. This isn't a tabloid thing like Jon and Kate Gosselin; maybe that's because she has yet to sport an Ed Hardy shirt or style her hair in the fashion of a Paul Mitchell-saturated porcupine, or maybe that's because she has some kind of legitimate talent most people would never know about (or in some cases: be touched by) if it weren't for this silly, stupid television show. And she's not aping for the cameras or sapping every spare moment of fame she can get her hands on. She's a normal person with an extraordinary ability thrust into a very, very bright spotlight. I still fall into the "cheering for this woman to remain sane" contingent. How about you?

Writing for the Daily Mail, Simon Cowell penned a pretty fascinating 2,000-plus word editorial on his feelings towards this entire season of Britain's Got Talent. The entire thing is, in all honesty, quite candid and amazing. Some could view this as a PR coup, but reading it, you can't resist the temptation to think that sometimes - no matter how well handled a public image is - sometimes, some people succumb to the urge to speak out publicly, and this was that moment for Cowell.

As we've all well heard by now, Boyle's been having meltdown after meltdown since losing the massively popular Britain's Got Talent compeition. Small woman from a small town gets overexposed to fame, loses in front of millions, and gets admitted to a mental hospital shortly thereafter. They thought Boyle was sane enough to go out on tour shortly after the competition ended - and after she was released from her mental health care - but she's had to cancel performance after performance for any number of undisclosed reasons. Cowell addresses it all.

He first notes that he didn't pick up on anything unusual at first, but knew something was wrong the moment Boyle lost the competition...

We didn't handle the situation with Susan as well as we could have...I don't know that I could have done it any differently..I didn't pick up on any unduly troubling signs...when the dance group Diversity won, I looked over at her face and thought: 'Christ, she doesn't know how to deal with not winning.'..It was a bad moment.

...And then gets introspective, admitting the troubling self-doubt he had that evening when he got home.

I remember having a drink that night and trying to relax, but still feeling a bit strange. Something just didn't feel right. And sure enough, it wasn't. No need to repeat the details here - that wouldn't be fair to Susan...

Finally, he gets to the part where he asks Boyle's family if he should've done things differently, if he shouldn't have allowed her to attempt to go on tour. They didn't see any way for him to have done so. He reveals that he actually sat down with them to discuss this. Boyle's family's been mostly - questionably - quiet on the matter. On one hand, you could easily get conspiratorial about this. On the other, silence often implies consent. And Cowell dishes:

Last week, I met them in my London office and I asked them: 'Tell me honestly; did we do right or did we do wrong?' What I meant was, was it right to allow Susan to carry on performing in the show once it became clear that she was finding it stressful? And they said, unanimously, that we did the right thing. They said that Susan has always wanted to sing and had sat at home for years, wishing that she had a chance.

He also gets into his feelings on having children on show, and his treatment of them. In regards to the kids crying, he notes that it "made [him] feel worse than anything else...It was a huge, huge mistake."

Unfortunately, Cowell doesn't get into his harsh, almost sadistic treatment of American Idol contestants, nor does he lay out a plan for making sure lives like Boyle's aren't affected in the future the way hers was. But for a guy who essentially pioneered the art and culture of taking regular people with often ludicrous ambitions of fame and essentially giving it to them regardless of consequence, this is kind of a big deal.

Maybe not pragmatically, maybe not logistically, but certainly philosophically. The same thing happened with Chuck Barris later in his life, when he started writing books admitting to the incredible emptiness years of doing average-joe-exploitation TV show The Gong Show had filled him with (forgetting Barris's insane/hysterical claim that he was a CIA spy). This could aspire Cowell to have a "cleaner burn" on the entertainment and culture he produces, one that has a staggeringly large reach. Probably not, but somehow, these words

I also accept, as the shows grow, that I have new responsibilities to my contestants.

kind of matter. Hopefully, Cowell's money-minting TV production machine will be proceeding for the betterment of the people it uses for show and for profits moving forward. It's kind of a pipe dream, but at least we can blame him for giving it to us, now.

After the Britain's Got Talent backlash, Simon Cowell finally admits: 'Sorry, I did make mistakes' [Daily Mail]

• Anna Wintour's main event-planning-lady - who she's had around for 11 years - is leaving to go spend time with her family. Her resignation probably came with an ambivalent scoff regarding weakness and moral fortitude, and as soon as she closed the door to Wintour's office, Wintour collapsed in heaving sobs. Probably. Maybe. Okay, that shit absolutely did not happen. [P6]
  
  
• Hollywood's Rapid-Fire-Speech Power Couple, West Wing actor Bradley Whitford and wife Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm In The Middle) are getting a divorce; they have three children. Want to tear up? Here's Whitford's famously charming and gracious Emmy acceptance speech in which he lovingly thanks Kaczmarek for her support of his career. It was going to be 17 years in August, and this is the second celebrity divorce announcement of the week (the first was Billy and Katie Lee Joel). [People]
  
  
• Last month's speculation Gisele Bundchen was preggers with Tom Brady's baby is now confirmed. No word on whether the child - like Brady's other baby - has a penis, or if it's right-handed. New England waits with baited breath. Meanwhile, somewhere late last night, the Manning family wardanced around a black cauldron and threw live lobsters into lime and burning sulfur. [NYDN]
  
  
• Gah! The Governator was on a flight when the cockpit filled with smoke and had to make an emergency landing. Everyone's fine and nobody had to "GET OUT OF THE CHOPPAH" because they were in an airplane, obvi. [TMZ]
  
  
• T.R. Knight made some stuff up about how sad he is to be leaving Grey's Anatomy, probably just to keep his agents from performing self-immolation in a Century City back alley. [People]
  
  
• Radio midget Ryan Seacrest was chillin' with Lindsey Lohan Thursday night until the late hours. Hey, whatever, I just work here. [E!]
  
  
• Woody Allen wants to put the moves on Carla Bruni. On behalf of all nerdy, sexless Semites everywhere, I say: Go with God. [NYDN]
  
  
• American producers of Britian's Got Talent are looking for their own Susan Boyle. Imagine that conversation: "Yeah, of course she can sing like Sarah Brightman, but unless she's seven and has a tumor protruding five inches out of her forehead, we're gonna have to pass. Sorry." [NYDN]
  
  
• Men's Health stud-in-chief Dave Zinczenko doesn't give a shit about swine flu. He had some party where they ate a bunch of pig. Meanwhile, the only men buying Men's Health still remain the ones who will never have AWESOME ABS IN NINE SECONDS. [P6]
  
  
• Beyonce totally stood up Manhattan nightclub Mansion - sorry, M2 - on a date. But the best part of the item is that M2's owner - Joey Morrisey - gets referred to by his last name throughout the piece. So it reads like the former lead singer of The Smiths and the former Destiny's Child frontwoman are about to throw down. Which would be awesome. [P6]
  
  
• Gossip Girl mom Kelly Rutherford is worried her ex-husband might run for the border with her kids. Josh Schwartz is somewhere taking script notes. [TMZ]
  
  
• Page Six watched Leighton Meester's sex tape - or, okay, "several different sources" coughNeel Shahcough - and notes that her feet are definitely the stars of the show. This was reported yesterday, but Gawker can't actually verify this until Managing Editor Gabriel Snyder approves an expense on the company card, so until then, turn to Page Six for all your hard-hitting Leighton Meester sex tape play-by-play action, which they will probably have the exclusive on before us. [P6]
  
  
• Heh. The Busey continues to spit game at whatever immortal age he's at. TMZ caught him at the beach talking to a gaggle of girls, though in all likelihood, he was probably lecturing them on the chi of the sand vulture's post hunter-gathering expedition sex rituals. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hugh Laurie could care less what happens to House. "I don't care what happens I only care how it happens. House could become a nun or an arms dealer or a transvestite," the Emmy-winning actor noted. Okay, House becoming a nun or a transvetite? Seriously great ideas, though. Either would get me watching the show again. [Showbiz Spy]

• Megan Fox wants everyone to know that she has definitely dumped David Silver and is so very single and is looking for a dude to bake cookies for and give her butt massages and whatnot. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller claims that she's never been on a "real date," nor has she ever had a one-night stand, which is a shame. Really, she should have a few of those. Everyone should. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's return to action on the Britain's Got Talent tour was short-lived as her doctor ordered her to get some rest due the extreme "exhaustion" she's been suffering from. She's a delicate little flower. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary over the weekend by...spending it apart! Apparently Kate spent the entire weekend with the kids while Jon's "whereabouts this weekend were unknown." [EOnline]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston thinks that she's a parallel between her actual life and the roles she plays in all of the romantic comedies she stars in. [Mirror]
  
  
• Rihanna seems to be casting some sort of voodoo spell on Chris Brown, who just can't seem to help himself from falling back in love with her when he sees her at basketball games where she's rumored to be watching her new lover on the court. [Daily News]
  
  
• Gwen Stefani says that being a full-time mom and wife doesn't leave much time for the glamor of being a rock star. [Daily News]
  
  
• Justin Long, aka the "Mac Guy," doesn't have an iPhone. Instead he uses some piece of crap Motorola phone according to one of Page Six's tipsters. How horrible! [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna's latest adopted child has been flown to the U.S. and already been outfitted with a nanny and a private nurse. [Mirror]

Hollie Steel - soon to be mortal enemy of Susan Boyle - was performing "Edelweiss" from "The Sound of Music" when she forgot the words and began to cry. The two Ryan Seacrest-esque British lackeys told her she was screwed and she began to cry some more. This is ridiculously sad and cute: The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Generally cruel, mean, and hysterically well-manicured Simon Cowell, who's shown an admittedly softer side on Britain's Got Talent (and thus: his utter contempt for Americans), vetoed his producers' decision to not let her perform again. She then got on stage, and properly killed it.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Sure, Susan Boyle probably wouldn't have been given a do-over, the show's been accused of manufacturing drama, and Detective P*r*z has accused her of faking her crying. But I'm not cynical enough to accuse her of any of those things, or maybe I just want the wool pulled over my eyes on this one. And even if she did fake the crying: good for her! The kid's got talent and guile. Win-win.

Meanwhile, the good action on the books has little Hollie at a 16:1 bet. I will not be your bookie at tips [at] gawker [dot] com, nor will I take PayPal or cold, hard cash as very acceptable forms of payment.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Step One: Winning Hearts and Minds, but Mostly Hearts
When she first trundled on stage during the prelims of the British competition show, Boyle seemed sad and dowdy and homely, one of those myriad miserable people that reality show producers across the globe like to trot out for their embarrassment and our snickering amusement. So everyone was relieved and giddy and just simply thrilled that, when she opened that pie hole of hers, Boyle could blow. Sonorous, classically-tinged mezzo-soprano that could hold up ably in some supporting funny role in the West End. Good for everyone for finding an unattractive woman fanciful and fun! We're not such terrible monsters after all.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Step Two: But, Uh, About That Unattractive Thing...
Yeah, she's not Princess Di. And once the initial warm surprise of Boyle's singing ability began to wear off, everyone started looking at her with cocked heads and saying "Hmm..." Most culture vultures (gag) took this as an opportunity to say what's wrong with ugly people?, which was nice and true, sure, but also just the teensiest bit smug. And, oh yeah, you're still calling the poor lady ugly. So what happens next in the narrative? I think you know.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Step Three: Makeover!!!
Susan Boyle got a leather coat. And maybe had her hair blown out. And everyone said that the inevitable makeover had begun. And it made sense, really, because if you were on one of Britain's biggest TV shows you'd probably want to look your best too. But did it maybe start to engender some backlash? I mean isn't it awfully vain and prideful to dare make yourself look better? How dare Susan Boyle think she's people. She's not people! She's our Edith Piaf Scottish troll lady idol. I mean, what fun would Shrek be if he looked like Harry Hamlin, y'know?

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Step Four: The Dip
It was bound to happen. Some other vaguely unsettling novelty act ascended the BGT stage and nearly erased all memory of Susan Boyle from our fickle, fiendish hearts. Someone like the bespiked castrato, who isn't quite as pleasing as Boyle, but boy is he weird and fascinating. Plus, Boyle's second go around on the show wasn't quite as stirring, probably because, yawn, been there, seen that. So it looked like the Boyle party train might be slowing to a standstill.

Step Five: It's Infected with Rage
So apparently Boyle was watching BGT at her hotel and one of the judges said that SOMEONE ELSE had the best vocal of the show so far, which sent Boyle into a rage blackout in which she told hecklers to "fuck off" and threatened to quit the show. (And then there was a little bomb dropped about how she maybe suffered brain damage during birth? Ugh.) So she's back on top of the filthy news pile! But at what cost? Will she lose the support of those who just want her to be the ugly frog lady with adorable little probably-not-gonna-pan-out-in-any-significant-way-in-the-end dreams? Perhaps. Or maybe she's just a person under a lot of pressure and people under a lot of pressure have been known to lash out at people who are actively trying to get her goat, as the two hotel patrons were supposedly doing.

What's next for ol' Boyle? Well, the rest of the competition, for one. But beyond that there are further steps in the fame trajectory. She hasn't yet had a true taste of validity, which maybe she'll get when she's offered a role in a West End show. Then it'll be all pints and good times, then it'll be dwindling offers, then it'll be another, shittier reality show, and then it'll be... well who knows. Most likely that merciless void, known to some as obscurity and, to others, as life.

Makeover pic via Getty, singing pic via AP

More or less. She performed "Memory" from Cats. Anything from Cats, even as a theater guy, I find particularly creepy, but the Brits absolutely love that show, and they love Susan Boyle. Match made in heaven. Again: don't get it.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Anyway: she went with a crowdpleaser, it was cunningly smart. The thing starts out slightly underwhelming, but Boyle manages to pull the last strong, heavy notes out of the song to rile up the crowd. Whether or not we're under a placebo effect with Boyle, it doesn't matter: even Simon Cowell admitted to being made to feel stupid and terrible by the way he regarded her before she sang for the first time on the show. At this point, she could cover Sid Vicious covering Sinatra's "My Way," and we'd be there with a YouTube embed, ready to lap it up. And that's kind of okay. Susan Boyle's one of the few things keeping us all sincere.

What I mean by that is: if you don't like Susan Boyle, you can go die. This bitch's on wheels, and kiss, no kiss, nothing's getting in her path to the top. Nothing.