World's Sanest Family Seeks New Thetan

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]
• Paris Hilton isn't engaged to singer Benji Madden, she's just wearing those two diamond bands on her ring finger in an effort to look extremely desperate. She also claimed, "I cook great lasagna," which pesumably involves toggling between 30, 50 and 100 percent power on the microwave when the Stouffer's is in there. [People]
• Liv Tyler is separating from her husband Royston Langdon, a British musician. [People]
• Defeated American Idol contestant Jason Castro on forgetting lyrics on camera: "I definitely did not do that on purpose." [ET]
• Ashlee Simpson calls fellow singer Britney Spears a "trashy girl" on an excruciating celebrity talk show improbably run by Nokia. Also, apparently a "Britney Spears" is code for "a beer" in some parts of the world. [Sun]
• That painting of actor Heath Ledger, for which he posed just prior to his death, won the people's choice award at the Archibald Prize Exhibition in Australia, where the painter lives. [People]

Britney Ruled Less Toxic To Children Than Previously Believed

• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!
• A Columbia student's $11,000 mink coat was stolen from a New York club during a private party, and she figured she was screwed. Then she saw actress Lindsay Lohan wearing it in a paparazzi photo. She went apeshit and had it returned, but no explanation was forthcoming. "Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up." [P6]
• Actor Charlie Sheen has a date for his wedding. Oh, and he's also putting it on the calendar. HEY-OH! Seriously, though, May 30. Only 22 bachelor parties to go! [Perez]
• Angelina Jolie's forthcoming twins are girls, but there are all kinds of worries about the birth. [Star]

Last Year, Britney Spears Spent The GDP of the Falkland Islands

Tyra Banks Gives You One Warning About Miley

• Tyra Banks ended the Miley Cyrus controversy, issuing the following fatwa on The View: "She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone!" Follow this edict or Tyra will claw your eyes out, then stab you, then set you on fire, all using only her tightly-controlled stare of rage. [Showbiz Spy]
• The Jennifer Aniston/John Mayer thing may be, horrifically, an ongoing concern. [Egotastic]
• Britney Spears will get to spend Mother's Day with her kids. Also, ex-husband Kevin Federline calls Spears his "lady," and Spears says "I love you" at end of phone calls with him. [Sun]
• Madonna repeatedly and unsuccessfully invited Justin Timberlake to discover her Wardrobe Malfunction over the course of several agonizing minutes. [Daily Mail]
• Wait, so now Rob Lowe's wife sexually harassed their supposedly extortionate nanny? And a cock ring is involved? [TMZ]

Watch Jennifer Lopez, Scientologists Raise A Baby

• Jennifer Lopez is going to star in a TLC reality show about raising her twins. Oh this is going to be awesome. We're going to get to see all of the crazy stuff Tom Cruise and Lopez's other Scientologist advisers had installed for the little ones: the security cameras, "sterile" baby wing, sanitized flowers and the staff of baby bodyguards and color therapist.
• Semi-retired comedian Rosie O'Donnell on Star Jones' divorce from Al Reynolds: "we all fool rselves [sic] / sometimes." Also, Drudge dropped her from his blogroll for some reason. [Ask Ro]
• Amy Winehouse got high in the street, headbutted someone, punched someone in the face, stiffed her cabbie and made out with some dude. Leave it to Fleet Street to hype up a typical Wednesday night like it's some big thing. [Sun]
• Ashley Olsen's mansion is undergoing a $1.6 million spruce-up and the actress was kind of wondering if she could crash at your place for a while?? Five-star hotels get so lonely. [Star]
• Doogie Howser went on Ellen and pretended to have his head cut off. This is the same guy who didn't want any more Britney Spears cameos on his sitcom because it infringed on his artistic integrity. [YouTube]
• John Mayer is totally going to work his way up to black belt. [X17]
• Meadow from Sopranos broke up with her boyfriend. [Us]
• FHM magazine decided Megan Fox was the hottest woman in the entire world, this year. Angelina Jolie slipped four places to number 12, because pregnancy is so not hot, and Britney Spears somehow rejoined the list at #100, because crazy is very much hot. [OK!]
• We have all made Naomi Campbell so furious with our incompetence that either her hair is falling out or the supermodel is tearing it out. [Sun]

Bally's Is Not Ready For A Britney Spears Endorsement

Even Natalie Portman Gets Peed On Sometimes

• Natalie Portman was with her hippie boyfriend in a park when she got peed on by a dog. There's a picture and everything! Happy Tuesday! [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan told Ashley Olsen to keep her "Full House ass" away from Lohan's girlfriend. [P6]
• Kanye West broke up with his fiancée due to West's, ahem, "busy schedule." [E!]
• Paris Hilton is supposedly getting married in a double wedding with Nicole Ritchie and their Madden brother husbands. There's a picture of Paris holding a book with a picture of a bride on it, so the whole thing is basically confirmed.
• Rudy Huxtable from the Cosby Show will ply a hooker in a movie, since being a hooker is kind of the new black. [ET]
• Britney Spears will keep doing cameos on that one TV show until the ratings stop spiking. [LAT]
• Porn star Jenna Jameson's vagina was stolen from a sex shop. [CBS2]

Anne Hathaway Will Scratch Kate Hudson's Eyes Out Some Day

• Kate Hudson said Anne Hathaway's boyfriend is a loser because he was arrested for writing a $215,000 check he could not cover. Hathaway was all, "whatever, I'm over it," even though she totally wasn't. Now they don't get along. [Oh No They Didn't] (picture via Oh No They Didn't)
• Britney Spears picked up "a hot shirtless dude" on her way to the hair salon, recruited the top two trainers at Bally Total Fitness and paid out around $400,000 in advances to her lawyers.
• Here are pictures of Angelina Jolie, at 16, in skimpy outfits. Sort out the ethical ramifications of looking at them on your own. [Sun]
• Nicole Kidman supposedly wants to get her kids out of the Church of Scientology, according to this guy who talked to this guy who talked to Page Six. [P6]
• Tom Cruise's flack is calling "completely untrue" reports his marriage to Katie Holmes is crumbling. Katie Holmes appeared in pictures looking "like a damn zombie," albeit a zombie with very cute hair.
• Kimora Lee Simmons, who the Church of Scientology bragged was their inner-city recruiter, continues to be determined to reproduce. She said if she wishes hard enough, it will happen: "I would be very proud to have a baby, so it will come soon." [OK!]
• Is this the guy who sent Jennifer Anniston those secret admirer bouquets? "Mets pitcher John Maine... says, 'I just love her soft and natural, girl-next-door looks and the way she carries herself, her whole demeanor.'" Maine will only move in if Anniston promises he gets to tend the rabbits. [HollyScoop]
• Amy Winehouse was supposedly making a big special album for addict husband, who is in jail. But when the big day came, she did not visit, or even send a card. You just knew this was going to happen, but still — so lame. [Sun]
• Madonna will be paid close to $25 million for two gigs in Dubai. [Sun]

Pregnancy "Witch Hunt" Snares Ashlee Simpson

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
• Amy Fisher, meanwhile, happily confirmed she is pregnant, with her third child. [OK!]
• Elizabeth Taylor mixed booze with prescription drugs, began vomiting and couldn't breathe. Her assistant rushed her to the hospital and Taylor went home the same day. All according to the National Enquirer. [Perez]
• Kate Moss, the supermodel who is not banned for life from British Airways, was livid after the airline lost a $20,000 bracelet she bought as a gift for a friend, along with the Louis Vuitton bag it was in. The airline had a disaster of a time trying to open a new terminal at Heathrow last week and an untold number celebrities were inconvenienced and even mortally embarrassed. [Sun]
• Without the stabilizing influence of normal parents like Britney Spears', Lindsay Lohan needs constant monitoring by her best friend to stay out of trouble. [P6]
• Heather Mills convinced Donald Trump to let her help host the Miss USA Pageant despite her extraordinary demands, and was then booed and hissed by audience members. The Paul McCartney ex hailed the appearance as evidence that she is beloved in the U.S. [P6]
• Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow worked out at the gym together in London. [Splash]

Cate Blanchett Delivers Third Son

• Actress Cate Blanchett had her third son, Ignatius Martin, with husband Andrew Upton. Ignatius was born in Sydney. [People]
• Britney Spears rear-ended someone on the freeway and proceeded to dinner. The singer's ex, Adnan Ghalib, got stabbed and returned home from the hospital.
• Sting paid $27 million for his second apartment on Central Park West. The singer's new place is on the 16th floor of 15 CPW. [P6]
• Pete Doherty gets his own cell and a special mattress in jail after missing repeated drug tests. The other prisoners are pissed because they have to earn those privileges, but the junkie singer gets them for being famous. [Sun]
• According to Alicia Keys, the U.S. government invented gangsta rap to get black people to kill each other [Sun]

Pap Shows Up for Britney 'Crash,' Finds Tiny Dancer

Jessica Alba Redeems Herself For At Least A Few Days

• Actress Jessica Alba did something nice for a sick girl, and if you focus on the pictures and edit out the exclamation points in the copy, the story is kind of sweet. (That's just... I got something in my eye, is all. Shut up.) [Star]
• The latest rumored comeback strategy for Britney Spears is a reality show supposedly being pitched to several major networks by her once and current manager Larry Rudolph. Past rumors focused on a concert tour, t-shirt line and something involving Danish furniture. This one has the advantage of working even if the singer loses her shit again. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Apparently Spears is an insult to the artistic integrity of Doogie Howser. Neil Patrick Harris of How I Met Your Mother, formerly of Doogie, dissed Spears, who recently did a cameo: "I'm in the minority that feels our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed... I worry that if they start Will and Grace-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. We're all really proud of the content of the show." [OK!]
• George Clooney's girlfriend is not only stashing her clothes at his place, but also took the bold step of installing scented candles and fresh flowers. The actor is out of town promoting his movie, and the girlfriend, Sarah Larson, is just kind of crashing. And, you know, suffocating him. [OK!]
• Nelson Mandela confirmed rapper Eminem for his 90th birthday party. [Sun]
• Vanilla Ice was arrested on a domestic battery charge. According to TMZ, the rapper, real name Robert Van Winkle, pushed his wife during an argument. He's in jail pending a trial Friday morning.

Moby the Only One Who Prefers 'Fat Britney'

American Girls: Britney Learns a Lesson

Rob Lowe In Sad Servant Betrayal

• Rob Lowe sued two former nannies and a former chef after saying one nanny tried to extort $1.5 million from him. The nanny basically accused the movie and TV star of hitting on her, while Lowe denied it and said the nanny was stalky. The second nanny supposedly plotted to spread lies of some sort about Lowe and his wife. The chef allegedly stole drugs from the medicine cabinet and had sex in Lowe's bed. You know, there may be a remote possibility that Lowe is a poor judge of character. [People]
• British Airways did it: they banned Naomi Campbell from their planes, presumably for life, for her tantrum at Heathrow. The model's rep said she had been flying the airline for 30 years and "she hopes this can be resolved amicably," which of course means an unrepentant Campbell is on the verge of a kill-crazy rampage if she doesn't get her way, sort of like in No Country For Old Men but with a cellphone instead of an air gun. [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears' dad is pimping her out to sell Danish furniture and maybe go on a $100 million comeback tour.
• Paris Hilton, who is trying to sell shoes, has some nasty, size 11, feet. They sport at least one big ugly corn, probably from kicking small, discarded animals. [Daily Mail]
• Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl has moved on from co-star Carrie Underwood to co-star Michelle Trachtenberg. How convenient for publicity! [P6]
• Stella McCartney, daughter of Paul, hugged Yoko Ono at the funeral for a longtime Beatles business manager. [Daily Mail]
• Actress Kirsten Dunst is out of rehab, flirting. [P6]
• Dirty old BayWatch star Pamela Anderson stripped for dirty old Playboy chief Hugh Hefner on his 82nd birthday. She's also getting her own show on E!.
• California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger got really upset about how UCLA Medical Center staff peeked at the medical files of stars like Britney Spears. He and his wife Maria Shriver use the medical center. Not that he has anything he's trying to keep quiet. Just "heart surgery or hip surgery, shoulder surgery, all of those things." [E!]
• The Golden Girls are switching networks, from Lifetime to Hallmark Channel, assuming none of them breaks a hip during the move. [Perez]
• Rosie O'Donnell fears Mexico and black helicopters. Someone writes in to the comedian's Q&A section, "AMERO?!?! One step closer to One World Currency... Kinda scarey [sic]." Rosie writes, "yes." [Ask ro]

John Mayer Tries To Scare Himself Straight

• Blogger Perez Hilton is claiming he made out with a bisexual John Mayer. This disturbing visual comes a few days after singer Mayer posted a long rambling thing to his blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." [Perez] (Photo via Perez)
• OK! Magazine wanted to do a big cover story on Britney Spears' miraculous weight loss, but Brit was too fat or ravaged looking or something, so the magazine just substituted a four-year-old photo instead and implied it was a new shot of Spears "back to her old body." [Huffington Post]
• CNN anchor Anderson Cooper bought some pairs of the Armani underwear touted by soccer champ David Beckham, size small. Cooper had just interviewed Beckham for 60 Minutes and asked Beckham to sign one of his Armani ads. So precious. [AC Effects]
• Actress Lindsay Lohan is not being cooperative about recording her new album. [Daily News]
• Mayor Michael Bloomberg can't stop talking about how he got a table at Waverly Inn the other night. Sad. Tuesday at 10:30? Thought so. [Daily News]
• Chelsea Handler of E! said she really loves boning her boss, or her boss' boss or whatever. [P6]
• Singer Bobby Brown said ex-wife Whitney Houston, the soul diva, got him into coke. [P6]
• Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl was a drunken cad at Beatrice Inn. Guy knows how to stick to the script. [P6]
• To "not deal with the media," movie star Brad Pitt got rid of his publicist. Wife Angelina Jolie's crafty mind is, of course, behind the whole, uh, ingenious plot. [P6]

Madonna Still Needs Your Attention Desperately

• Probably trying to dispel rumors she's about to divorce Guy Ritchie, and also drum up more publicity for her new album, Madonna overshared about her sex life to magazine Elle, saying screwing Ritchie is "amazing," even though both husband and wife sleep with BlackBerrys under their pillows. Elle pics are here. (Photo: Vanity Fair via Daily Mail)
• First Britney Spears opened talks with her old manager, now she's cozying up to ex Kevin Federline. According to a Star source, the singers hung out at Easter and "Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them." [Star]
• Sex and the City's Kirstin Davis dared to show her face in public, and even shop, even though naked sex pictures of possibly her were released to the whole entire internet. [Faded Youth]
• Jay Z and Beyoncé are allegedly about to wed, only 16 months after the Post said they would. [ET]
• Jennifer Lopez is ready to lose the 50 pounds she gained when she had twins. [OK!]