• I like it, Rush & Molloy, I like it. Thanks for the nice, scandalicious, SEO-happy headline. The Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip columnists have been stepping up their game lately. Today they slice-and-dice their Moose and Squirrel sights on a few items, chief among them: laughing at Courtney Love's batshit claim that Britney Spears was molested as a young girl, and the British tabloid who's paying an unnamed female Spears family member to argue that she did. That said, Courtney Love: still batshit insane, not worth listening to at all. Some conspiracy theorists, you gotta be like, hey, they might be on to something. What the hell is Courtney Love so worried about Britney Spears for? It's like she's reading us too much lately, or something. She's got to have something better to do. Also, She's kind of like The Werid Sisters, except nothing she says makes any sense whatsoever, and nobody would go to her for advice. Bubble bubble toilet and trouble, whiskey burn and tweaker mumble. [R & M]
  
  
• Usher is a crier. Every time he watches Extreme Home Makeover, he cries. 'Few things here: (1) This is the lead Page Six story today, probably because the other two major gossip stories (Alexa Ray Joel and Tiger-Style) get their own reports, but still: depressing; (2) Everyone cries at Extreme Home Makeover. People without tear ducts cry at Extreme Home Makeover. That doesn't make any less shitty or exploitative of a show. They're prying on your middle-class-and-above selfishness and need to compensate for it with guilt (or, if you're Usher, your boatloads of scratch), so your natural reaction is, of course, to cry. Well, guess what: when you're done crying, those people and their twelve adopted children have still been fucked eight ways to Pluto by the universe and they also still have a smile on their face at the end of the day. In swoops ABC with their cameras and JC Penny's with their advertising and the screamy tweakergay who scares the shit out of me. They get the house, everyone cries, and like that, we've all been subverted by the fucked up corporate entity that—by four or so degrees—probably resulted in their poor living conditions in the first place. So go ahead, keep crying. Assholes. But this doesn't change the fact that (3) Ush-urr got the beat make the booty go (CLAP). [Page Six]
  
  
• Johnson & Johnson heir Casey Johnson was dumped by "lover and friend" Courtenay Semel, but neither of them were in Twilight so I don't give a shit. Come back when you sparkle or can turn into an eagle or some shit. [Page Six]
  
  
• JEETAH! He eats chicken. [Page Six]
  
  
• Great. Tyra Banks was spotted eating at Market Table the other night with her boyfriend. The Page Six item is about how they were there eating all the fatty foots but honestly, it's like, just stay out of New York's good restaurants, Tyra. You don't need to eat. Your life encourages other people not to eat, or to throw up, or in my case, to involuntarily projectile vom. Go to Nello's. Shit, go to Buddakahn. Read all the fake books painted on the walls, come out "smarter." But Market Table? Seriously. If you take it to Joseph Leonard I'm gonna burn the West Village to the ground. [Page Six]
  
  
• Love it. Today show producers wanted to get her to talk about this so they were all like, So, Kathy Lee, Frank fucked around on you. This makes you an expert on Tiger Woods, right? [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• Gianni Versace (pronounced VER-SAZE-EE) "must be turning in his grave" according to Page Six. What, did someone realize that his Peacock-print shirts were ugly as a fucking moon rock? I didn't read the rest of this item. I think it's about his Miami house. Former house. Former, because he's dead. [Page Six]
  
  
• What the fuck?

  F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can finally rest in peace. "Big Warry," as he was known in Palm Beach, died seven years ago and had a big funeral befitting his bloodlines — one ancestor was US Ambassador to the Soviet Union Joseph Davies, the husband of Marjorie Merriweather Post. But his widow, steel heiress Elesabeth Ingalls Boykin Gillet, never put a tombstone on his unmarked grave in Maryland.

  Okay guys, if F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can make Page Six, if you dream it, you can, too. Just make sure you send Richard and Neel an unmarked envelope stacked with enough cash to get them to get an intern to write this shit up. In fact, I'm working on an item about how the two cats I don't own, Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. and Muffin McCloud III fell in love, as they recounted the story to a party in Miami at Art Basel while everyone drank Veuve Cliquot on dry ice and Andy Dick tried to put his pants on backwards. [Page Six]
  
  

• Guys, does Barbara Corcoran have a main line into Page Six, or what? This week, there's a story about the real estate queen bumping into Robert DeNiro in the "Today" show makeup room. De Niro—still kinda funny—asked her how the real estate business was [get it? Because it's fucked and etc, yeah, you get it.] and she responded by asking if he was still with that beautiful wife of his. Cute. But AH-HA! Two weeks ago, during that same visit to the Today Show, Babs' (far funnier) story about running into Len Berman at Today was ALSO reported. So! Either Today has an intern hiding in a houseplant to collect decent anecdotes, Barbara Corcoran has an awesome publicist, or Corcoran's been hanging out at Today was too much. There are any number of scenarios in this case, but the fact that I feel pride in being able to connect these two items only means that I need to get out more. Also, Babs, if you're looking for a hot PR drop, holla. I can't take cash like the real gossips, but it's always good to know a decent real estate agent in this town. Apartment hunting's a bitch. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosanne Barr sits around and talks shit with former First Lady Barbara Bush, who "hates" Obama. Well, that's okay, Barbara Bush, you're sitting around talking with Rosanne Barr. [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• A Harvard dean who was supposed to be at an event with Mark Conseulos and Kelly Ripa came down with Swine Flu. Good to know where your professors hang out, Harvard: with Kelly Ripa and in places you can catch Swine Flu. Ivy league, my ass. [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman thanked director Jim Sheriden for the "special effects" on Brothers. I'm thankful to Natalie Portman for getting quoted using the word "tits" in the Daily News. [R & M, Fourth Item]
  
  
• Anthony Haden-Guest—who, and, really, I'm not going to explain—was roasting artist Damien Hirst (who is an Important Artist right now selling Expensive Art to Fancy People) at The Standard in Miami (where Art Basel is wrapping up) and he did it with this fairly crafty poem, entitled "A Brilliant But Inexplicably Underappreciated Artist Contemplates Some Figures in the Landscape." It went: "Why would I want to see him immersed / In formaldehyde next to his putrid shark / And sold as a set to an oligarch?" This was in reference to a Hirst piece sold to a billionaire. What I like about thinking about artists who only sell paintings for bazillions of dollars because they all blew Larry Gagosian is that they're a fine lesson in exactly what kind of art sells in this world: theirs, and their poster reprints at the MoMA. And that's really all you need to know! [Page Six]
  
  
• Glenn Beck is "cool" with gay marriage and thinks we should just leave the institution of marriage "alone." This is funny, because, regardless of your gender, Glenn Beck's job is to stick his dick in your ear. [R & M, Fifth Item]
  
  
• Awesomely funny asshole-comic Jim Norton almost got his spine snapped in half by Jesse "The Body" Ventura (R) on live radio recently. See, people: radio isn't dead. Especially whenever Jim Norton might be. [Page Six]
  
  
• R & M buried a few decent items on their last page, but I've spent way too long on this, so here: Zack Galifinakis likes working in Brooklyn on Bored to Death because he can ride his bike to work, subtext, every woman in Brooklyn wants him and he gets to watch on his way to work. Sub-subtext: I still don't understand the appeal of Zack Galifinakis. KiKi Dunst got drunk at dinner. Chelsea Handler's dating the guy who runs Comcast who will soon run NBC and we will soon all eat out of Chelsea Handler-emblazoned dogbowls. Julian Lennon who was the Lennon son John had that acts more like Paul (HA!) is doing something that doesn't involve Yoko Fucking Ono and that's all that matters. [R & M]

Running a wee bit late today. Whoops! Anyway, I'm well-rested, and we hope you are, too. I think another nine girls who slept with Tiger Woods are outing themselves today, so, you know, word: another few slides on the dossier, notches on the belt, balls in the holes, whatever. How's everyone doing this morning? Let's kick it off with a nice jam.

Thank you for your continued support of Gawker Weekends.

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

J. Peter Hogan (what is up with Republicans and that first initial?) is a crazy right-wing dude who loves Politico.com and Newsbusters.com. He has too much time on his hands and a strange preoccupation with socialites and other young, attractive famous women, namely Lydia Hearst, her sister Gillian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and others. He regularly tweets them all random things that make little to no sense. This morning he sent the mini missive, "Pictionary poetry: A socialite looked up "socialism" & didn't like what she found yet stays a prominent person in fashionable society." Huh? That doesn't even make any sense.

Later he followed up with, "@Lhearst @parishilton my dctnry - socialite: a person who is prominent in fashionable society. @danaperino @ladygaga @katyperry." Is that supposed to be a dig or something?

Well, Lydia took the bait and replied. "Some people take things too literally and do not understand how words and definitions can change - they should watch S.Park F Word Episode," she tweets, adding in a second message that her comment was directed towards Hogan. Please, the only two stations this guy knows how to find on his dial are Fox News and QVC, he wouldn't be able to find South Park on Comedy Central with both hands and a flashlight.

Lydia, do not talk to the crazies! They're always going to be there, saying stupid things that don't make any sense, and if you talk back to them, you're going to give them power. And with some power, then they'll keep saying more things and crazier things and they might even do something drastic like show up at the red carpet and heckle you for being a communist because the carpet is red. Twitter is for telling us which parties you're going to, who you're hanging out with, and maybe even sending pictures of the outfits you're wearing. You just keep having a good time and being fabulous and let the professionals worry about shaming the crazy people, OK?

[Image via Getty]

We have no problem with the paparazzi, but there comes a point where a picture is no longer interesting if you've seen one similar a million times. There are a million happenstances of this, but there are the ones that really stood out in our mind.

Sienna Miller Walking Her Dog: As we mentioned, Ms. Miller takes the pooch out for a stroll every day on the streets of New York. We've even seen pics of her picking up his poop. The critter is cute, but we are sick of seeing this. Get Sienna stealing people's husbands instead, she does that about as often. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Gosselins at the Bus Stop: Just like Sienna's dog, the Gosselins have to bring the kids to the bus stop just about every day. It's always a hassle with all the children, their backpacks, and the photographers waiting to pounce. We didn't like taking the bus when we were kids, and we don't want to see it anymore now. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Marc Jacobs in a Skirt: We love that Marc is a little fashion forward and claiming a piece of clothing for the boys that is usually reserved for the women. However, the skirt in and of itself is no longer news if he wears one everyday. It's like calling out Posh Spice for wearing the same frozen alien expression. We've just come to expect it, so it's not exciting. [Images via Getty and Bauer-Griffin]

Britney Spears in a Bikini: Just like Marc, her choice of attire is no longer shocking or titillating, no matter what the shape of her body is. Because she takes lots of vacations and her boys like to go swimming, we get to see her poolside apparel quite frequently. Let us know when she wears a metallic designer one-piece. At least that would be trend news. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber Walking the Family: The couple lives in New York and has two young kids. That means lots of time walking and pushing a stroller. For most Manhattanites (and espeically Brooklynites) seeing a pretty lady with a too-big stroller is about as rare of a sighting as seeing a crazy person on the subway. If we wanted to see this, we'd brunch in Park Slope instead of staying in bed on a Sunday morning. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Lindsay Lohan Shopping: Lindsay Lohan is unhireable. How does she pass the time? She shops. She'll buy anything (except groceries) and she'll spend hours looking for it. She takes friends, family, girlfriends, anyone. She loves to shop. Yawn. The only transaction of hers we want to see caught on film is when she goes to her dealer. Deliver some footage of that and we'll start paying attention. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

This past weekend, our beloved national trainwreck set off a storm of controversy down under when it suddenly dawned on fans at a concert that Britney was lip-syncing her songs; "miming" they call it. One critic on hand penned a review which featured disappointed fans storming out and suddenly, the old wounds of our great national Britney conversation were torn open.

The brouhaha has gone so far as to have Australian lawmakers calling for a new law which would require performers to state on their tickets that concert goers risk exposure to non-singing. China apparently passed such a "Name and Shame" law after controversy related to the Olympic opening ceremonies.

Over the past few days, however, her US supporters have raced to the embattled star's defense. Singer John Mayer twittered astutely, "If you're shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you."

And on Britney's own website, fans are leaving words of support by the thousands, registering their sentiment that Britney lip-syncing a concert is just fine by them.

So now we think it's time to turn the tables back on our little friends from the Southern Hemisphere whom have made our standard bearer feel so icky over something that we all told her was just fine. A few questions for Mr. and Mrs. Australia before the lynch mob does something that we assure them, they will live to regret:

• Do you really think there is anything real about the Britney experience in the first place that can be captured in a live concert?

• Are you prepared for the consequences if she tries to sing and dance at the same time and something terrible happens? Do you really want that on your head Australia?

• How do you know that it wasn't just a robot in the first place?

• Do you really think we'd risk letting the actual Britney travel to foreign countries with bizarre snack foods and measurement systems?

• If a robot sings live, and you feel that experience was "authentic" than who is the robot and who is the human being?

Its easy for a little nation to throw stones at the giants of world culture, but beware, those fingers wrapped around that rock end up pointing right back at you.

• In other fine-on-the-surface-but-what-the-fuck news: Sienna Miller and her boyfriend, a Brit named DJ Slinky (see if you can guess his occupation), were shopping for vintage underwear in Nolita yesterday, which means they're still an item or something. Still, "vintage underwear" is one of those word combinations like "amateur surgery" or "Matthew McConaughey box set" that you just don't want to see in real life. Buy new underwear people! [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson's rabbi, the wonderfully named Schmuley Boteach, is now advising Jon Gosselin. Maybe he has a bet with someone that he has to provide spiritual guidance to at least one disliked celebrity at all times. Anyway, Boteach advised Gosselin to dump his girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But instead he took her to a restaurant on Halloween and ordered staff to keep all the fake Jon Gosselins away from him. [Page Six]
• Talking of Jackson, TMZ says that kids could identify precise details about his penis not because they were made to touch it but because he thought that peeing in front of people was funny and would just do it all the time. Dr. Arnold Klein, a friend of Jackson's, says he would frequently whip it out and urinate into a cup around groups of people. Which illuminates a whole unexpected frat-boy side of the king of pop. [TMZ]
• Tweens so badly want Twlight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to be a couple that the two have requested to do separate press for the latest in the series, New Moon, to avoid rumors. An insider tells Gatecrasher: "They really are good friends - and that's all - but they want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more." This particular insider is wise, and clearly a body language expert, and a philosopher and also a little sad for the lost love that might have been. "Honestly, it makes it very hard for them to even be friends," he or she says. perhaps with one poignant tear rolling down a cheek. "Maybe there could have been something between them, but it seems like all of the pressure surrounding their relationship has really killed it." Don't cry Mr. or Mrs. Insider. I'm sure you'll be commenting on a whole different story tomorrow. [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna has given an interview, to Glamour, about the Chris Brown incident. "I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears," she said of the media circus, in what must be the most unexpected swipe of the day. "It was humiliating," she said of the picture of her bruised and battered face that circulated. "That is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of ... like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life." Apologies on behalf of the internet Rihanna. [Gatecrasher]
• Quote of the day, from Tom Ford: "fashion is one way in which we hold ourselves together. Just because I've become spiritual doesn't mean I can't love crocodile." Ford was telling W magazine about a bout of depression that struck him after he left Gucci in 2004. [Page Six]
• The Kushners treated their son Jared and new wife Ivanka Trump to a plush weekend in Washington, Connecticut. What did the Donald do? Nothing. He just coldly played golf with Samuel L. Jackson and some guy from Law & Order and didn't pay for any weekends anywhere. [Page Six]
• Daniel Radcliffe will go nude in the new Harry Potter. No really. "Daniel Radcliffe appears naked in one scene where Harry and Ron are fighting a magical creature, who fled to confuse and create a vision. In the view we see Harry and a woman embracing and kissing. It's an intriguing scene and very sensual," director David Yates told a magazine. Add your own wands/broomsticks/wizard's sleeve joke here. [Perez Hilton]
• And from last Friday, an ex-girlfriend of Alex Rodriguez tells Us Weekly that he has not one but two portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. I mean we all have one picture of ourselves as a mythical creature, but two is just vanity. "It was ridiculous," the ex, who apparently has a gift for stating the obvious, told the magazine. She did not comment on whether the lower-body horse associations were justified, but Us did juxtapose this story with one about Kate Hudson telling everyone - including her parents - that A-Rod is a nickname with more than one meaning/he always comes out swinging etc. Also: her PARENTS? I know that in this instance that means Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and I've seen Overboard and can understand the desire to confide in them, but really. Who launches into stories about fucking with their parents? [Us Weekly]

[Image via Getty]

100% straightperson Tom Cruise "made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments on the set of Risky Business according to Bronson Pinchot, who played Balki Bartokomous on the 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers. Balki says Cruise "always talked about himself like he was a mega-superstar" and called his co-stars by their characters' names off-camera. Oh, also, Balki has some straight to video DVD or something coming out. [Onion]

Octomom told her paparazzi friends that she thinks Jon Gosselin is way hot. This could lead to the most awesome media freak show train wreck of all time. Jon has been going for 20-something casting call reject types since his divorce, but the potential publicity surrounding an Octomom encounter might convince Jon to go for her. He just lost his show and fame has always seemed to be his first love. They could start dating and pitch some bizarre eighteen headed monstrosity of a reality show. It would be like a very 2009 version of The Brady Bunch. It would sure pay for a whole lot of Ed Hardy gear. [E! Online]

Salman Rushdie is a "cowardly, dysfunctional and immature" man who breaks up with women over e-mail and is still obsessed with his former flame Padma Lakshmi. All of this information comes to us courtesy of Rushdie's latest ex, Broadway actress Pia Glenn, who is clearly over it and in a very healthy place now. [Page Six]

Britney Spears' next video is an "ode to threesomes." If this blatant ploy for attention doesn't work, Britney might have to start shaving her head and going on umbrella rampages again. [Page Six]

Judges want Roman Polanski to stay in jail while the US government works on getting him extradited from Switzerland to face his conviction for raping a 13 year-old girl in 1977. A Swiss court denied Polanski bail and house arrest because they say the 76 year-old director poses a high flight risk. Polanski has lots of famous friends who think he shouldn't serve time because he makes nice art, has lots of money, and hangs out with them at parties. Some of his sympathetic celebrity buddies might have private planes, so keeping Polanski locked up is probably smart. [NYT]

Balloon Boy's dad Richard Heene was reported to child services a few years back. Heene responded by trying to take out a restraining order on the former business associate who made the report. It seems Heene doesn't mind dealing with the reptilian alien shadow government if they can help him harass his enemies. [TMZ]

• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

That's right, today is the drop date for Mariah Carey's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, a collection of slow jams that includes her instant classic cover of "I Want to Know What Love Is;" Madonna's greatest hits double-disc collection Celebration, that features two new singles; and Barbra Streisand's Love is the Answer, a collection of cabaret standards. Not to be outdone by those older and wiser, Britney Spears tried to steal some of the spotlight by releasing the single "3" today. Smooth movie Britney. And it's pretty good, as far as catchy, crappy pop songs go.

So, who will be the big victor in the Diva Death Battle 2009? Lady Gaga of course! What? She doesn't even have an album out today! Precisely, but she is poised to be the gay icon of the youngest babygays that are just taking their first fledgling steps on the big pink road we call queendom. While there is definitely plenty of crossover between the Madonna/Mariah/Britney crowd, only confirmed bachelors of a certain age are going to be purchasing the new Streisand.

Every generation of gays gets their own singing female deity to worship (whether we like it or not), and as Streisand crowd ages and the diva herself gets closer to retirement age, it's going to be up to Gaga and her ilk to entertain "the children." Madonna's influence may spread now that her greatest hits CD will educate a new generation of kids, but those dancing at Campus Thursdays at the local gay bar weren't even born when "Burning Up" was first burning up the charts. Mariah is no spring chicken either, and her album of slow jams isn't really ready made for dance floor remixes that will spread her new sound across the floors of a thousand gay dance palaces.

As long as Britney can hold it together, she'll continue to be relevant for a certain crowd that came out to her hits earlier this decade, but it's Gaga who will be holding sway from 2010 on. Let's just hope that she has enough kooky kostumes in that pretty little head of hers to keep her going for the next 20 years, when the rest of us are sitting around telling our gay nephews, "When I was your age, Madonna, Mariah, and Barbra once came out with new CDs on the same day!"

• Gossip Girl actress Kelly Rutherford filed a restraining order against her soon-to-be ex-husband. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law won't be meeting his new daughter until Christmas. How sweet. [3am]
  
  
• Lily Allen's record company won't let her retire. Shame. [3am]
  
  
• Jacko once claimed that Madonna was jealous of him and how mothers wanted him to hold their babies. [Page Six]
  
  
• Joe Francis and Khloe Kardashian's soon-to-be hubby are the best of friends. Sadly [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something novel: a convict has filed a lawsuit against America's Most Wanted king John Walsh because Walsh called said convict a "snitch." Hey, that's a bad word. [TMZ]
  
  
• Don't be fooled by Hollywood magic. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey were not having the time of their lives while filming Dirty Dancing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stupid UN! You made Clive Owen late to dinner. Useless. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ted Turner gets no respect: wait staff at his restaurant don't even recognize him. [Page Six]
  
  
• Those poor children! Britney Spears and K-Fed now have basically 50/50 custody of their tots. [TMZ]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart claim to be "taking it slow," as in, not getting married yet, denying recent reports that Pattinson proposed to Stewart. However, we can probably project, for all of you stalkerish teenage Pattinson fans who have come to the site via search results, and would like to kill Kristen Stewart in cold blood, or at the very least, see her be cast out of the Twilight universe, that (A) she's not going anywhere and (B) unlike the characters of Stephanie Meyer's ridiculous vampire chastity universe, well: they're probably fucking. Have a nice Sunday, kids! [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law opened the first preview of Hamlet on Broadway last night, and he wasn't that bad. Not surprising! But then again, there wasn't an opportunity for him to pull his dick out and violate your (sister/girlfriend/nanny/presumably of-age daughter), so: good to know. [NYDN]
  
  
• John Travolta, wife Kelly Preston, and daughter Ella made their first public appearance at the premiere of Road Dogs since the death of their son, Jett. In all honesty, it looks like they're trying to smile, and would rather be somewhere else. I sincerely feel bad for them, crazy Scientology business or not. Look: [US]
  
  
• Some Malibu shopping center is advertising itself as a Paparazzi-Free Zone. Which is ridiculous. Because nothing in Malibu is Paparazzi-Free. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears used a music video audition to try to pick up on a model and take him home. This never works for me. Somehow, she didn't anticipate the model knowing that she's got two kids and is absolutely crazy. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford wasn't allowed in the VIP area at Mansion (or, ridiculously, "M2") so he started yelling at a bouncer, and then realized the bouncer was letting him in. I don't get it. Male models and they problems confuse me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jets fans! You have so much to look forward to. Your hottie rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez listens to James Taylor before games to get pumped up. Hopefully he won't turn his offensive line on to Enya, lest he get knocked into submission after four snaps. [NYDN]
  
  
• More sports: Mets dynasty player Lenny Dykstra snuck his way into today's Gossip Roundup. He has to sell his 1986 World Series ring, because he's now only worth $50K. The world is sad, no? [NYDN]
  
  
• Nikki Beach—an island resort on Turks and Caicos—went bankrupt after the mega-celebrities who used to vacation there drying up. The place had personal butlers and a pillow menu, and you know what? Some extravagances are stupid, but a pillow menu, I wouldn't mind. I mean, that's stupid too, but I'd just love to say to someone: just bring me your fluffiest goose down in complete sincerity. [NYDN]
  
  
• VH1's going to be toning down the format of their reality shows after people started getting killed post-appearance. Because, you know, that's insane. Hey, though: remember Pop-Up Video, VH1? Nobody got killed by Pop-Up Video. Or Rock and Roll Jeopardy, though we did have to watch Mark McGrath school us all is pop culture knowledge. The guy has a MENSA-like aptitude for rock trivia, seriously. Who'd a thought? [Page Six]

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they're going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy wrote a novel about uberflack Lizzie Grubman, and she said the book isn't about her. Especially the part where she plows into a bunch of people in the Hamptons with her SUV. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• What's Robert Pattinson's life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism through which all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Pattinson's co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That's what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn't make the first cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
  
  
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real ass out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Good to know: Alaskan man-meat Levi Johnston will pose nude "for the right price." At this point, I think it's safe to say he's just a tool of the Democratic Party. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Big-dicked movie star Jamie Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
  
  
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long lineage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
  
  
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa's mom! Whee. [EW]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson's looking for pricey new digs in Hollywood, i.e. apartments to the tune of $15M. Where's he getting his money? Come on, where do you think? Out of the pockets of his dead brother. Naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Why is Mariah Carey canceling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
  
  
• TMZ thinks Britney spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
  
  
• Brooklyn Foodies, beware: Tyra Banks is encroaching on your storied grounds with her financier boyfriend. So goes the item: they were at Peas and Pickles in Brooklyn Heights, and they had to have everything rung up at the register item-by-item. Lots of frozen dinners! And energy bars. It was paid for with a Black AmEx. The next time you scrape up enough nickels to hit up your corner bodega for a box of bootleg Parliament Lights, remember this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martin Scorsese hasn't even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty's potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese's probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who's gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• "I feel your love!" screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She's 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you're still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here's my favorite bad Madonna video. Let's celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy boning in the grotto attached to their pool, according to Brad Pitt. But really, what's the use of having a grotto if you're not going to bone in it? [Sun]
  
  
• Many people have speculated that Lady Gaga might be a hermaphrodite, and then she came out recently and said "I have both a poon and a peener," and now this video of her "peener" popping out during a performance confirms it—Lady Gaga is a chick with a dick. [Bossip]
  
  
• American Idol alum Constantine Maroulis got his ass kicked at Cipriani Wall Street the other night after getting into an argument with another guy about Paula Abdul. Yeah, this is a great story. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Josh Lucas say that he hates LA because is the vortex of suck in the universe and he loves New York because New York is the world's golden vagina, but everyone already knows that, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• The Gods are smiling today because Paris Hilton and Douglas Reinhardt are reconciling to bring their tainted nether bits back together so that their bodies can once again form one giant human Petri dish. [Page Six]
  
  
• After being pronounced dead on the internet at least a dozen times, Patrick Swayze is looking like he's getting better. [Daily News]
  
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio is dating yet another Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Where does he find them all? Does he order them from a freaking catalog or something? [Page Six]
  
  
• Gotta admit it, Britney Spears looks pretty damn good in this white bikini. Britney's back baby! Or something. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Queen Latifah enjoyed a lovely evening recently at a lesbian club on 14th street ordering bottle service for the friends she was sharing a table with. [Page Six]

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]