And there were still so many questions to answer: Will Brody and Jayde stay together? Is Heidi pregnant with Spencer's devil spawn? Will Kristin get together with Justin Bobby? Does Audrina actually have something to do? What ever happened to drunk Holly? Did Stacie the Bartender drink her under the table permanently? Stop wondering, you silly goose, and get your answers in bite-sized illustrated form!

We distilled an episode of The Hills into 10 three-panel strips. That's two weeks' worth of contents on the funny pages! This is what it would look like.

Kristin and Brody Reminisce
Setting: The patio of a restaurant for brunch. They both look like they just spent the night rolling around in bed.
Panel One:
Kristin: Remember when we were together?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: We should do that again.

Heidi in Therapy
Setting: The office of Dr. Jordana Mosbacher, Heidi lying down on a psychologist's couch with her wrist on her forehead.
Panel One:
Heidi: Doctor, I don't know what to do. I want babies so bad, but my husband doesn't want them. I think I'm just going to stop using birth control pills and surprise him.
Panel Two:
Dr. Jordana Mosbacher: The decision has to be a rational one, not a hormonal or emotional decision.
Panel Three:
Heidi: Oh doctor, when have you ever known me to make a hormonal or emotional decision?

Brody and his Bros
Setting: A gritty, poorly lit pool hall. Three men huddled around a table.
Panel One:
Brody Bro: Hey man, I heard that Jayde and Kristin got in a killer fight over you.
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, Bro.
Panel Three:
Brody Bro: That rules.

Kristin and Jayde
Setting: A swaky restaurant. Both women have drinks. Jayde should be swirling a martini glass with one eyebrow on her plastic face permanently arched.
Panel One:
Jayde: I know you don't want to be here and I don't want to be here.
Kristin: Why are we fighting? You and Brody broke up.
Panel Two:
Jayde: Everything was fine before you showed up! You steal everyone's boyfriends.
Panel Three:
Kristin: You're a bitch.

Kristin and Lo at Lunch
Setting: The patio of a nondescript restaurant that looks like every other restaurant where they film patio scenes.
Panel One:
Kristin: Hi, Lo. It's nice to meet you.
Panel Two:
Lo: Yeah, the producers told me we're supposed to be friends now. What's happening?
Panel Three:
Kristin: Jayde and I got in a fight.
Lo: DISH!

Audrina Thinks Heidi Is Nuts
Setting: The same patio where they just filmed Kristin and Lo, later the same day.
Panel One:
Heidi: I'm going to stop using birth control and then romance Spencer with dinner and candles so he'll knock me up.
Panel Two:
Audrina (covering her face): Heidi, that is a really, really bad idea. I mean, even I think that's a bad idea.
Panel Three:
Heidi: No way. I always get what I want.

Brody and Jayde: The Reunion Special
Setting: The inside of a restaurant. Again, Jayde is swirling a martini and has a permanently arched eyebrow.
Panel One:
Jayde: I love you, but you're a jerk. Will you stop being a jerk?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Jayde: Yay, we're back together. Now you have to tell Kristin.
Broday: Yeah, bro.

Brody Breaks the News
Setting: Yet another restaurant. Don't these people have houses? Kristin is all dressed up for no apparent reason, but looking really good. Like most comic strip boyfriends, Brody is wearing the exact same T-shirt we always see him in.
Panel One:
Kristin : I think we have a really good thing together. I want it to be like old times.
Panel Two:
Brody: No, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: How dare you! Are you getting back together with Jayde?
Brody: Yeah, bro.

Heidi Tries to Get a Bun in Her Oven
Setting: The kitchen of Heidi and Spencer's glass coffin. Heidi is wearing an A-line dress and an apron. She is pulling a steaming turkey out of the oven, and kicking the door closed with one foot.
Panel One:
Heidi: Honey, I cooked dinner and made candles.
Panel Two:
Spencer: What the fuck is going on? Are you possessed?
Panel Three:
Heidi: No, I love you. Are you ready for dessert, and by dessert I mean sex.

Kristin and Stacie Make a Getaway
Setting: Back at the apartment, which is messy, strewn with clothes, crap, and empty martini glasses. For some strange reason, there is a bamboo gate at the foot of the stairs.
Panel One:
Kristin: Brody sucks, he got back together with Jayde.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Two:
Kristin: Justin sucks too. Listen, he's crying on my voicemail.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Three:
Kristin: What should I do?
Stacie: VEGAS!

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I'm an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don't really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin's house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can't she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don't know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can't come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won't date me because I don't have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they're drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I'm all like "Why are you still with that tranny?" And he's like, "I don't know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I'm all, 'She's just a friend.' Now Jayde won't come." The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That's when I think it's a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won't look at me, he's inside talking to Jayde, and he's happy that she's there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that's a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the "courage" to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I'm looking for a half-full 40 that doesn't have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she's heard of him, all right) and he's all, "Wasn't my joke text really funny." And Kristin was like, "I don't get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up." And he's like, "Cause it's funny." I must have passed out behind the bar and I said "Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You're na funny a tall!"

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn't, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi's house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn't "babysitting" for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it's a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, "My mommy does that too!"

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all "rehab saved me life," and I wanted to be all "it didn't stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!" but I didn't. I let Holly tell me she's concerned about me. We both started crying. I'm not sure why. I just don't like it when everyone pays attention to me and I'm sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn't deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo's mom's house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. "Trust me, sister. I know just what you need." And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. "With extra olives!" I said, because I hadn't eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn't had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he's in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it's pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don't know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said "Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK." They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you've heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn't right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don't know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister's neighbor's basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Just like knowing that producers of the "reality show" were punching up the action behind the scenes, we all knew that these kids weren't selling their souls to MTV for peanuts, but just how much they're walking away with is astonishing. On the eve of the new season, The Daily Beast's Nicole LaPorte (who was once stupid enough to accept Gawker editor Richard Rushfield's proposal of marriage) lets us know just how much they're making. Got your barf bag out? Good.

[Kristin] Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as [Lauren] Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show's contracts. Conrad's deal stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad's BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

No wonder Cavallari was lured out of obscurity to come back to reality television. And it is a travesty that Lauren Conrad makes almost $100K more an episode than Nene Leakes, the grand goddess of reality television programming. And this is just for the show, not counting all the endorsement deals and clothing lines and other contracts these professional wind-up toys have.

With a starting salary like this, no wonder President Obama said all the kids want to be on reality television to make some easy money. Like Spencer Pratt told the Beast, "Well, guess what, Obama? We have made it quite easier!"

Like all things evil in the world, Speidi is to blame.

[Image via Getty]

Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that.

The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following:

Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!...
How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit
Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him?

In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her."

Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued:

This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down."

Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis."

Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident.

• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

• One of two things happened to Girls Gone Wild's sleaze impresario, Joe Francis, in an altercation with Brody Jenner and Jenner's girlfriend, the 2008 Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole. Either Joe Francis has moved on from merely exploiting women to now punching them in the back of the head, as Nicole and Jenner claim happened in a club in L.A. Or, to hear Francis' side, karma's beginning to strike back at him in the most literal sense of the term, as he tells it: apparently Jenner and his girlfriend came up to him and hit him reallyfuckinghard both in the cluurb and outside the cluurb. Jenner actually had to be tasered by guards—yes, Brody Jenner, tasered—to put him on ice. Either way, Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got into a fight at a club involving a woman and somehow the universe just didn't unhinge its jaws and swallow all of these people and then ask for some milk. You know what they say: if you give the Universe a cookie, etc. [Page Six]
  
  
• In a Marlon Brando-esque fit of conniption, Kristen Stewart—who is now, let me remind our female, teenage readers, having sex with Robert Pattinson—almost quit acting after not being able to get cast in anything. Then, the celibacy tale known as Twilight came along and swept her off of her translucent feet and gave her a career that will enable her to retire in a few years from pursuits of money, men, and the secret desire to have people living vicariously through one. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• In other news, Robert Pattinson was "blown away" by Kristen Stewart. In other news, somewhere, Stephen Hawking was, too. The universe is amaaaaaaaazing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rounding out our Kirsten Stewart trifecta of gossip today, she's gonna get nekkid for a new movie. With James Gandolfini. Playing a 16 year-old prostitute. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mark Ronson and Sean Lennon once made "soggies" with Michael Jackson. For the record, "soggies" is not a euphemism for anything other than toilet paper balls soaked in water and thrown off the penthouse floor of a hotel with Jackson. But you certainly thought otherwise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rachel McAdams likes romance and is kind of a cheeseball, she admits. She thinks a romantic night is sitting at home and watching a movie. Tell 'em, girl. Seriously. In other news: Rachel McAdams. Perfectly likable celebrity. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Whitney Port—according to the picture the Post used, looks like a poodle, now?—went to a decent New York restaurant (not a great one) and ordered essentially what comes down to a crudité. Sorry, ladies, but you go to eat out in New York, you don't order a veggie platter. Bad form. At least order a dish, or something. Save the crunch veggies for, I don't know, the Super Bowl party. [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar while vacationing there. The monkey was like, get off my rock, Jason Biggs, and Jason was like, this monkey knows who I am! Also, who goes vacationing in Gibraltar? Is this a destination I wasn't aware of? I always thought you just drove by on a boat, took a picture of the rock, and left. [NYDN]
  
  
• Do you complain about the perils of fame? Chris Martin of Coldplay would like to invite you to STFU. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Elizabeth Berkeley is writing a book! About advice for teens! And she wants your advice! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. [Daily News]
  
  
• Men are scared of Lily Allen, says Lily Allen. This is after she writes a song about how bad all of her guys are in bed. Honey, have you ever heard of the Floppy Woo? George Gurley would like to have a talk. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And we begin with an altercation just as we end with one. Oasis had a concert. At that concert, they announced they were canceling the show because of an "altercation." Truth be told, one of the two of those insufferable British goon brothers had enough of the other one, and they quit the band. More interesting is that Maura Johnston of Idolator got a good "Friday Night News Dump" joke out of this. Either way, they've done this nine times before, or something, but we can never be too sure. In tribute, please find the "Wonderwall" video below. Happy Saturday, Gossip Roundup. You're gonna be the one to save us. [Idolator and Showbiz Spy]

• Today's big Rush and Malloy scoop: Brad and Angelina are looking to get a pad in the Upper West Side. I know what you're thinking: we've been through this before, and we did not like the results. The sacrificial real estate envy of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick cost so much emotionally to only have some computer nerd show up in their place. But Rush and Malloy are careful not to get your hopes up: the agents for the building is having problems selling the units, and they need to do so in order for the owner's offering plan to operate for another year. Anyway, I kind of don't want them here. Not that I'd prefer one celebrity over another, but at a certain point in New York, paparazzi nonsense begins to get in your way. Like, I'm sorry, but I don't want Brad and Angie Plus Three Imported Children And A Few Others Plus A Cabal Of Photogs pushing their way through Zabars while I try to get a bagel and not trip over the old bubbies who go there. Like, when you're in your neighborhood in New York, that kind of insane bullshit's the last thing you need. You're already paranoid and skittish and hungry enough as is. Also, can you imagine waiting in line at Gray's Papaya behind them? There are only two kinds of hot dogs, but seven kinds of juice, and you know they'd just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice and they'd all be crying and you'd just be like, for fuck's sake, I came to get a hot dog and now this? And then some vaguely European paparazzo would take a picture of you shoving a hotdog in your face and it would ruin Gray's Papaya for you. Just, like, ruin it. [Rush and Malloy]
  
  
• What? Partridge Family star Shirley Jones somehow made today's roundup. What did it take? The promise of nudity, of course. Jones was going to do a playboy spread until Hef saw the test shoot results and wanted to see more skin. So, Playboy subscribers, it's nice to know that the Hef is using your magazine as his own octogenarian porn vehicle, right? Okay, so, Jones is only 75. But still: Calendar Girls, ahoy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney couldn't reunite the Beatles, even with blow and Stevie Wonder. Paul McCartney came close to reuniting the Beatles on a coked-out night with Wonder and John Lennon. Now, take a deep breath, and one wild, insane guess as to why it didn't happen. Okay. Done guessing? If your answer doesn't rhyme with Foko Bono, it's wrong. What, you thought there was a problem with George Harrison or something? Honestly, the Walrus might've been Paul, but the blackbird of death was Yoko. [R & M]
  
  
• Also, Robert Plant is awesome and is being knighted for being awesome. [E!]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven was skeezing on Hayden Panettiere at the Entourage premiere on Thursday night. Away, old man. Seriously. Also, like every other Entourage-related item that's appeared anywhere, Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) was seen "cuddling" or something with Jamie Lynn-Sigler. If you don't watch the show, well, they're together on the show and in real life. And it is ridiculous-cute and gives hope to rotund, hat-wearing underachievers with bad nicknames that stick forever everywhere that one day they, too, may date Meadow Soprano. [Page Six]
  
  
• William Shatner couldn't get in on the Star Trek franchise revival feature, but he is wanted for the TJ Hooker version of this. Go figure. To be the Shat is a life lived curiously examined. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, yes: the lame sequel to yesterday's item about Jennifer Aniston shooting at the Daily News. You get to hear about how exciting and not contrived it was to work in a "real newsroom" and be issues "fake Daily News ID cards" and how Jennifer Aniston snacked on string cheese. Seriously. Way to bring the hurt, Daily News. Gossip fail. Oh, and really sad for the lack of crossover between the Rush and Malloy UWS scoop and this. Something like "Jennifer's sad and slaving it away with the rest of us hacks while her ex-mans, lady, and twelve kids are checking out a slick UWS pad and noshing on some Gray's Papaya." [Daily News]
  
  
• Brody Jenner's girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person whose name or existence I don't understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, you know, maybe? And then you were like, WTF, NO. [E!]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe is going to the custody hearing of Michael Jackson's children, and this somehow constitutes a People item. Then again, it's People. And here I am, linking to them. Is there an over-under on how long this thing's going to dominate the gossip newscycle? There's got to be a lottery somewhere. I'm going to take two years, to be replaced by the revelation that Ron Burkle is actually a Clinton stepbrother. Longshot, I know, but I think it'd do the trick. Who's got $10 to throw down? Oh, and also, Michael Jackson didn't want his Dad to come even remotely close to his children. God, wonder why. [People and Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern, and I haven't. Reminder: he's also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Page Six Gossip Cindy Adams hates The Hamptons. Now, normally, I'd tell you to avoid reading Cray-Cray Aunt Cindy's column because it's totally batshit old lady nonsense, but this is quite wonderful: she talks about going to garage sales in the Hamptons and explains how she acquired a pair of white fur Yak boots, among other things. Also, this: "I hate country and ants and air and the need to attend another art-gallery opening every weekend or some do-gooder esoteric charity event like, maybe, The Care and Feeding of The Endangered White Rhino of Tanzania." Today, you're Mama Cindy. Truth, Mama. Truth. [Page Six]

Not so well, says THR. The City, Whitney Port's NYC-set spinoff of The Hills, lured 1.6 million viewers—down 38% from last week's Hills episode in a season where The Hills is already down 26% year-to-year. 9pm lead-in Bromance did the show few favors; it averaged 963,000 viewers. Sorry, Audrina: this means your planned revival of the seminal Eric Nies starrer The Grind goes back to development hell.

• MTV's 'Hills' spinoff disappoints [THR]

Dudes compete to become Brody's (playboy son of athlete Bruce Jenner) new wingman. That's the premise. It is, as you'd imagine, a tremendous disaster. All nastily trip-wired homoeroticism (there was even one lone token gay guy that they trotted out and embarrassed; he sent himself home at the end of the episode) muddled with frat boy misogyny and the sad clawing sound of lives headed full tilt toward absolute nothingness. You can, if you dare, watch the clip above. In which the two cockiest of the bunch, a fellow named Femi and a foppish banana who apparently enjoys golfing, epically fail their first challenge, which was to get two hot girls to come to a Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie party. The guy who brought the hottest chicks won. Urrghhhh.

Haven't they already tried to sell us this same exact crew of buffoons? With The Princes of Malibu and Twentyfourseven? And didn't our collective shoulder shrug and channel change speak volumes about how little we care? I guess not.

With the contestants snug, asleep, and undressed in a Los Angeles hotel, Jenner ordered burly security guards to forcibly pull them from their beds, an offense that was once thought of as sexual harassment (back during The Real World: Los Angeles) but was now apparently regarded as great show fodder by a proto-gay, A&F-clad creative executive at MTV. The nude contestants were hooded and whisked away to a random house (near USC?) where Jenner was waiting, all so that his first words to the potential best pals could be, "Take 'em off, guys." Thus, MTV's bold new attempt at a gay dating show began.

Jenner promptly laid out the parameters of the first competition: "pull" two chicks for a party later that night. Helping to assist him would be his Hills costar Frankie Delgado and, uh, his "friend" "Sleazy T" (discuss: did the man choose his nickname because he didn't want his real one associated with this series, or did he possess it already, signifying a lack of shame that would render that sort of cognitive thinking moot? Wait, who are we kidding, he probably auditioned and was cast for this role himself, providing producers with a warm-up Bromance in miniature). This was far too much for the show's only (out) homosexual contestant, Michael, who quit the show after realizing that he had competition in the eyebrow-scaping department that he may never be able to surpass.

Eventually, after lots of lessons learned and one-armed handshake hugs, it came time for Jenner to eliminate a bro. For this, he stripped down to a swimsuit and entered his spa in a lovingly photographed montage that suggested a future Bromance challenge: the ability to trim one's chest hair, yet still craft an immaculate happy trail. Finally, Jenner was left in the pool with the two weakest contestants: filthy-mouthed Jacob, and a young man whose startling resemblance to Star Trek's Chris Pine was not helped by the name "Chris P." Sadly, it was Jacob who would be asked to leave the spa and show, though he received the order from Jenner in a catchphrase-less mumble. Not even a "Who broa, whoa. Uncool, brah"? Back to the drawing board, MTV. [Bromance]

Audrina, we’re told, is fuming because she found out that her on-and-off lover, Justin [Bobby], and former BFF, L.C., hooked up behind her back...Supposedly, A-doll has been running around town trying to find out any info about the incident that Mister Bobby himself has supposedly confessed to. Lauren denies it, natch.

In fact, Conrad denied it today to In Touch, claiming, "These accusations are so crazy it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." Crisis averted? Not so much — now Patridge has taken to her own, product placement-choked blog to basically accuse Conrad of mascara-running crocodile tears:

I woke up this morning and it seems like just about every gossip magazine or blog has a story about Lauren hooking up with Justin.

I'm not sure what to believe. Though Justin and I have not been exclusive for quite some time, these rumors are very confusing and hurtful.

I can't comment on whether they are true or false.

While Patridge might simply be teasing an upcoming staged storyline on The Hills, it's also possible that Conrad went off-book, bedding Audrina's ex in a shocking, Stephanie Pratt-worthy about-face. Where's Whitney's shocked face when you need it?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• 
  EXCLUSIVE: The Rumors [Audrina Patridge]

Boomp3.com

Brodacious reality TV star Brody Jenner implemented the trusty crane kick to defend Coco De Ville from the haters on Tuesday night. Jenner stood guard outside the club to keep "the negative vibes" (his words) out of the club . Jenner added, "It's Tuesday night and people need to get ready for the weekend. So, if anybody with a negative attitude wants to step into the place, I'm gonna put them in a bodybag. There is no negativity in this dojo, sensai!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

fileunder's new line beats the original, Cardboard Cutout Of Person More Interesting Than Actual Person.

Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 annually)
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 a year)
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 for The Hills Season 4)
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode ($152,000 for The Hills Season 4)

Congratulations to fledgling villainess Lo, who has finally reached the "Brody Jenner threshold" that separates the wannabes from the bros. Audrina, too, has seen her rift with Lauren pay dividends; we hope that with the extra cash on hand, she will finally be able to afford more Dermalogica face cleanser, then the toner, and then Active Moist the moisturizer. Only Whitney's salary disappoints — though we've always found her pulled faces priceless, apparently to MTV, each shocked expression is worth less than the time it takes to comb Spencer Pratt's abominable snow-mustache.

[photo credit: AP]

• MTV “The Hills” Salary Dispute: “The Hills” Salaries Revealed [PopCrunch]

Boomp3.com

Beloved actress Anne Hathaway embarked on a mini walk of shame outside of Coco De Ville Tuesday night. The Get Smart star, who recently split from con man & Zach Braff look alike Raffaello Follieri, allegedly had a lapse in judgment and gave reality TV maven Brody Jenner her number. At the valet station, Hathaway confessed to a BFF that she was suckered in by Jenner's frat boy charm. Hathaway sighed, "He had a backwards hat on and, well, I don't know....He just seemed like a guy who wouldn't be able pull off an elaborate con involving the Vatican, which is exactly the kind of guy I'm looking to rebound with. And he was wearing a backwards hat."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.