American National Socialist Workers Party head Bill White may be a neo-Nazi, but he's not voting for John McCain.

"Right now," said White, head of the American National Socialist Workers Party, "we're facing the potential of a half-black candidate financed by Jewish money going up against a white candidate financed by Jewish money, who are both advocating the same policy. So you've got two terrible choices."

The hate groups are demoralized! On the eve of what should be the best election for them in years! Former KKK member and convicted lyncher James Knowles doesn't even hate Obama! The hate group experts at the Southern Poverty Law Center say the white supremacists "are in a more or less stunned position right now. They haven't been able to figure out how to proceed just yet."

The problem is that the embittered poor rural white dudes who might align with these groups in bad times (and these are bad times) aren't threatened by Barack Obama. No, they are worried about more important things:

There have been only sporadic reports of racist mailings, though Democrats say they are on the lookout for more. And there has been scant evidence that Obama's candidacy has helped hate-group recruitment, unlike the recent debates over immigration policy, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center.

White supremacist leaders, while threatening some political action before Nov. 4, similarly attribute their relative lack of activity this year to demographic and societal changes they cannot stop. But they also point to a Republican candidate, Senator John McCain, whose liberal immigration views and staunch support for Israel are against everything they stand for.

See? McCain is precisely the wrong man to win over the neo-Nazis, because he's totally in favor of the Mexicans coming in and stealing all our jobs, and our women! Across the shittier parts of Real America, the immigration debate stirs up way more bile than the threat of a black man being president.

So while McCain and Palin stir up some dark, dark behavior from their supporters, they're still not connecting with the enraged hate groups who might help turn out some of those racists to the polls. If he'd picked, say, Lou Dobbs instead of Sarah Palin, he might be getting somewhere. Hating the blacks is passe among redneck idiots. Just ask North Carolina Sheriff Steve Bizzell, who helped his state "team with federal authorities to train local officers to identify and track jailed illegal immigrants, speeding up the deportation process." He just recently said this:

Then Bizzell, in an interview for a newspaper report on immigration reform published last month, complained that ''Mexicans are trashy.''

He pointed to several children playing in one community as if they proved his next generalization about Latinos: ''All they do is work and make love.''

He said Latinos spread a culture of drunkenness and violence through his mostly rural county, a short drive from Raleigh.

And poor John McCain, who favors amnesty and daily "siestas", cannot capitalize on this at all. What a sad state of affairs.

. "On being introduced, the customary greetings are: firm handshake, customary 'Hello,' or 'Bonjour' in Quebec."

. "During conversation, remove sunglasses."

. "While indoors, remove hats."

The document states that "most Canadian gestures are the same as those used in the United States," but adds there are some exceptions, including:

. "To call someone to you, use the entire hand rather than the index finger."

. "In Quebec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive."

We've never heard of this thumbs thing though to be fair everything is considered offensive to French Canadians. If your people combined the worst stereotypes of the arrogant French with the defensive and funny-talking Canadians you'd be touchy too.

Canadian New Yorkers are generally in their 20s to 40s. They are more highly skilled and wealthier than the general population in the U.S. — and in Canada. As Mahmood Iqbal noted in a report for the Center for Comparative Immigration Studies, these emigrants "are the best and brightest of the Canadian human resource pool."

Of course they all need to marry Americans so they can quit their terrible jobs as bankers and become bloggers without running into visa problems. So watch out! They're on the prowl, after your job and your sons and daughters!

First off, there is no better place for Lou Dobbs to rule than New Jersey, the blighted industrial wasteland split between hellish suburbs of New York and Philadelpia (and some beaches). Also: did you know that New Jersey has the fifth largest percent change in its Mexican immigrant population since 2000? It's up 86.9 percent! This will be perfect for Lou, who will finally have the authority to carry out the mass Ethnic Cleansing plans he formulates on his entertaining television show.

Also he'll be able to patrol New Jersey's border personally, keeping it safe from the boatloads of illegal immigrants coming in from the Atlantic Ocean. Maybe he could put a wall up between Jersey and its neighboring states? Then we all win!

(And when you run for office, especially one so high as governor, often times you are actually held accountable for the hateful bullshit you say. There are even occasionally times when the targets of your many attacks have a chance to respond on terms not set by you! So hey, Run, Lou, Run!)

Wall Street Journalers Greg Ip (The Fed), Ian Johnson (Pulitzer prize-winning Berlin correspondent), and Joanna Slater (World Markets & Currencies)
Chrystia Freeland—North American editor, Financial Times.
Siobhan O'Connor—GOOD features editor.
Morley Safer, CBS
John McKenzie, ABC
Thalia Assuras, CBS
Hilary Brown, ABC
Gary Armstrong—Chief Marketing Officer, Wenner Media
Alex Trebek

Call Lou Dobbs! Canadians Are Walking Amongst You, Undetected [HuffPo]

Mort Zuckerman
Publisher/EIC, New York Daily News. EIC, U.S. News & World Report.
Born: Montreal, Quebec.

Malcolm Gladwell
New Yorker staff writer, pop-nonfic author general media whore.
Born in the UK, raised in Elmira, Ontario. Attended the University of Toronto around the same time as Clive Thompson! And obv BFF w/ fellow frequent New Yorker contributer

Adam Gopnik
Born in Philly, raised in Montreal. Has also perhaps spent time in Paris? Someone look into this.

Graydon Carter
Editor, Vanity Fair
Born: Toronto, Ontario.

Dale Hrabi
Former editorial creative director at Maxim and elsewhere. Radar Editor at Large.
Worked at Canadian fashion mag Flare, just like:

Bonnie Fuller
Tabloid queen. Editorial director, American Media. Terror. Britney leaver-alone.
Born: Toronto.

Not pictured: Lorne Michaels, Rachel Sklar. Probably others! If you know of media-running Canadians we left out, drop us a line.

A Fish and Wildlife official spotted one of the dog-sized beasts swimming ominously in the Alloway Creek, possibly looking for some native waterfowl, crabs, and fish to endanger.

The nutria, like most current threats to our nation's security, is a foreign invader from Latin America. Jersey officials promise to trap and kill the creatures before they make it somewhere important, like here. They'd destabilize the fragile ecosystem of our subway stations! Our giant rats have lived in peace with the roaches and homeless people for thousands of years.

On the other hand they're much cuter than descriptions like "20-pound rats" make them sound. It's like an invasion of vicious, edible otters!

INVASION OF THE GIANT RATS [NYP]