There is probably nothing more enjoyable on the internet today than to contrast the movie I saw with the reviews of said movie by the only other people in America who saw it: the hardcore Tucker Max fans who frequent his message boards. Never let it be said that we don't provide space for differing opinions.

1. "The comedic value isn't what sets the movie apart to me, it's the fact that it actually has a soul. When I walked out of the theater I wasn't really thinking about how funny it was, I was thinking about friendships I've had in the past that I screwed up or have lost - it made me introspective."

2. "Much in the same way 'fratire' became a new genre, Tucker made this movie from a completely different mold. And, he deserves to be evaluated on that basis."

3. "Tucker and Nils could make 10 sequels to IHTSBIH and they'd still be funny so long as the dialogue didn't repeat. Because that's where the humor was derived: the fucking English language. Crazy concept, right?"

4. "I think you infused the right amount of slapstick, physical comedy (the shit scene, Dan pissing on the cops) into the movie. I like it when you can laugh at two very different levels of humor in the same flick."

5. "I've seen Tucker on camera many times, but it was weird to see him in a movie about him...with him not playing...him. And was it me or was he overacting that role like a motherfucker in the background of those scenes? Haha, nah, you were good dude."

6. "Expected more laugh out loud moments in the movie, but that was mostly from my high expectations. I rarely laugh out loud in movies, but I remember I did during the shit scene and the scene with Drew strangling Lara. A few of the one liners like 'You smell like you got buttfucked by a garbage truck.'"

7. "Take Drew. Not a single person who's criticized the Drew/Lara relationship has mentioned a characteristic of his other than that he "hates women," a fact that shows a deep misunderstanding of the character and relationship. Drew is bitter because he's fucking hurting. He is a very deeply moral character. He clearly puts a lot of weight on trust: he won't lie for his friends because Dan's fiancée trusts him and he will not undermine that. To not have that same trust reciprocated in a relationship as involved as the one he just got out of is fucking devastating.
To give someone your all, to buy them his and hers chairs to play video games in, to so let them into your life, only to catch them sucking off a fucking rapper on your couch? The damage that does to his emotional health is so palpable it's ridiculous. Some of the shots of Jesse reacting to Lara and the kid back at their house are priceless. Bradford does such a good job letting that pain and longing simmer. Chills."

8. "I loved the fact that even though I didn't find it funny, I was only bored during one scene."

9. "We've been so conditioned to see people dodging wrenches to practice dodging a ball, Asian gangsters in car trunks, and Jason Biggs sliding to home plate with a pie that when we see flaming Dr. Peppers we probably expected someone or something to catch fire for some cheap laugh. Instead we heard "So who's the slutty one?" said to a bachelorette party. The line – like the entire tone of the movie – is in your face and that artistic choice is so different the combination is unsettling to some people, but funny to nearly everyone."

10. "In a few years, when critics look at the IHTSBIH franchise as a whole, they're going to be eating a lot of crow. Not because they wrote bad reviews (this movie, like every other movie, has its flaws), but because they failed to miss the "experience" aspect all together. In the same way that George Lucas generated long-term success for Star Wars with cutting-edge movie-making technology, IHTSBIH will ultimately succeed as a franchise and a brand because it completely redefined what it means to "experience" a movie. That's why it's unfair to compare this to any other film. It isn't like them."

Box Office Mojo sez: It opened on 120 screens and raked in a total of $369K, for an opening weekend average of $3,075 per screen. That puts Tucker's movie eighth in per-screen revenue out of the nine movies that opened last weekend. Although he came close to matching the $3,100 per screen average of Blind Date (2009).

But sometimes critically acclaimed films don't have boffo box offices. It's just the nature of high art. Let's go to the reviews:

• Reuters: "the film is unfunny from first minute to last, and its half-hearted attempts at emotion merely underscore its general loathsomeness."
• USA Today: "This unfunny, über-misogynistic adaptation of Tucker Max's audacious best-seller of the same name is unlikely to please anyone."
• Chicago Tribune: "The result just might be the most hypocritical feature in the history of film as well as the history of hypocrisy, and along with serving beer, I hope they show 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' in hell."
• San Francisco Chronicle: "That was epic, bro. You should make a movie ...No, you shouldn't! Put down the digital camera, step away from Robert McKee's guide to screenplays, and get back to ramming your head through Sheetrock during spring break."
• New York Times: "a mediocre gross-out movie that barely pushes the envelope."
• Boston Globe: "Ridiculously cheap-looking, smug, scurrilous, but fairly evolved for a project so fundamentally unevolved."

Onetwothreefourfivesix. Six emails in my inbox, from Tucker Max. Although none of them were anything worth writing home about. And then there was that time you wanted to challenge us to some bet about your movie, which caused Ian Spiegelman to unleash that epic, apoplectic rant, remember? That was funny.

Anyhow.

• "We made this movie for the same reason that we create all of our art; because we love it"
• "There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.'"
• "My writing is authentic and whatever happens in my life is what I write about."
• "Now, I'm more like a smart missile."
• "We also wanted to make it feel realistic."
• "everyone just assumes it's going to be a success."

Tucker gives Bitter Lawyer an exclusive sneak peek of his own opinion of his own movie about him:

BL: Do you feel like the hilarity of your written work translated well into a movie?
TM: Fuck yes. The movie is absolutely drop-dead hilarious. Wait until you see it, you will laugh your ass off.

There you fucking have it. Tucker also notes that he cast the actor that plays him based on his "likability and redeemability," for unexplained reasons.

An actual non-Tucker review of Alcohol and Fruit of the Looms Go Together Like Grilled Cheese and Mail Order Brides, TK.

[Previously: The script of this shitty movie, Parts One and Two. Pic: Flickr]

But sersly yall, been wondering what I should blog about here on the big gawkr stage. What do u think? What would u blog if u were blk on gawkr? Feel like Megan Fox, and don't want to have to prove I'm smarty-ScarJo but maybe I have to? Just want to be real.

Kinda just want to 'lie' about 'a bunch of shit' and call it 'hipster-griftering' and rock out on sum pa$eviews dewd.

Thing is lately, i kinda feel like doo-doo. not like a dark-race-black thing, like I'm 3/5 of a doo-doo or anything. (chill Sharpton!) just like, unsanitarily lethargic, y'know? Feels like i'm whirling in a toylet bowl and n0thing n e 1 can do. Feel like some peeps think i'm too black-core on my blog, yall. i don't know. is obama too black-core? Feel like i blog like he would.

Wondering if i should blog in more mature fashion. Like Ta-Neezy Coats."Ta-Nehisi" sounds real african. Is he from 'frica? Wonder if its better to be from Africa or be African studies major. Wonder if coats name was Jim Gray or Bob Costas if peeps would respect him as much? not many blak peeps who can keep it real but also throw in the social commentary like he does.

Kinda wish I could blog 50x/day like the pros[e!].

(btw, OMG!!: love loves loved colbert taking down that stupid racist. love when the white superstar celebrities get behind the race issue. feel like everyone's kinda united then.)

Just want black people and wyte peeps to understand each other. not even playing yall. have you seen the wire? u should totally netflix it. best show/movie by wyte peeps about black peeps evar. better than crash yall. even tho i do sometimes feel i'm just crashing into peeps.

Oh. Been thinking it's kinda ridoffulous that 'bams is not on twitter yet. ZOMG! if he's prez and not on Twitter, makes me feel i could b prez 2. like when my friend had a white grlfriend and i knew she would b with me 2 if we met b4 they did.

I don't know. just feel i should b further in life since so many blk peeps are still rioting for chicken or calling 9-1-1 over mcnuggets. is that wrong and racist to feel i m better than them? alwayz feel i have 2 rap to peeps to get them 2 understand me. just want david simons to wryte something shakespearean about my life u know? think i have 'the goods'.

Anyrace. not gonna bore yall with that n e more. This weekend is gonna be real hipster on WTAN, tho. Hipsters don't care about race. think i can relax. Coming up: we've got a Hipster Sensibility Matrix with Tao Lin on blurbage, an Assimilator on this possibly-fake hipster reality show casting call, hoping for Blog Media Bingo with Carls from Hipster Runoff, and maybe some other trix.

Feel this Blak-peeps blgging on Gawker could be big though. Like civil rights meaningful-core, Animal Collective-on-Letterman epic-beowulfian huge. So glad they were on the show cause i want to end my intro posts by tossing it to 'the band', even tho there isn't really a band in the blog, but still want it 2 b meaningful when i say 'here's this weekend's band'. so now i can post that vid and have it mean something.

Just want it to mean something when i blog yall.

image: via

If you haven't been following Tucker's own extensive updates, we'll bring you right up to speed! The film is all done shooting now and is in post-production. His box office prediction: "I could make a very good argument for it making anything from 20 million all the way up to 200 million." But more importantly: "I think we made something special."

Furthermore: "I think this movie is fucking awesome, and I think it has the potential to be regarded as one of the best comedies released over the past generation."

They still have to get a rating, finish the editing, and get a distributor, so Tucker doesn't want to get ahead of himself. The release would probably come in the second half of this year, at the earliest. But he can see the film "becoming the type of movie that is on everyone's DVD shelf, that is referenced thousands of times in hundreds of contexts," based on the anecdotal evidence:

There was the 60 year old woman at the second LA screening, the crippled one with the cane who got in because she was the ride of someone else we invited. She could not be farther from our projected demographic...and she LOVED the movie. Raved about it.

It was probably the dookie pants scene that grabbed her. We think this could be big! Anyone with fresh info, as always, feel free to email us. [Learn all about this wondrous auteur here]

Boomp3.com

After years and years of development, production finally began on Bros, Matthew Perry’s long gestating Friends spin off, in West Hollywood on Wednesday afternoon. In Bros, Perry’s popular “Chandler” character serves as the den bro to a couple of young plucky bros looking to make it Hollywood (one’s a chef and the other, you guessed it, a writer!). Perry felt that Bros really spoke to an untapped audience —men— while retaining the charm of the original series. Perry said, “It still has the heart and charm of Friends, but it’s edgy like Californication and moody like Mad Men. It’s a real modern and charming bromance between a group of bros who’d die for each other.” Perry did not rule out any guest appearances from his old Friends co-stars, but would like the series to focus on one certain thing: namely, bro-ing down.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The scene: Tucker is sitting next to an FBI agent on a plane, swapping stories:

Yeah…this guy is fucking cool. THIS is the type of person that deserves to sit next to me. I decide to tell him Embassu Suites part of The Austin Road Trip Story, and he loves it. He comes back with this one about his exploits with the US Border Patrol:

Agent Jones “I thought I was bad ass until I hung out with those guys. They are unbelievable. One time I was out with them right at to the border. There is a big fence with concertina wire and what not all along this stretch, but the Coyotes had cut a hole in it—”

I interrupted him.

Tucker “What is a Coyote?”
Agent Jones “They are the guys who smuggle illegals back and forth over the border. Anyway, the Coyote was smuggling about a hundred Tonks through the hole, and—”

I interrupted him again.

Tucker “What is a Tonk?”
Agent Jones “Oh—that’s what Border Patrol calls illegal immigrants who have made it into the US. They can’t call them ‘wetbacks’ or ‘spicks’ because obviously those are racially charged names, and ‘Mexican’ isn’t accurate since a lot of illegals are not from Mexico, so they say ‘Tonk.’ They call them that because it’s the sound made when you hit them on the head with a Mag-Lite.”
Tucker “HOE-LEE-SHIT.”
Agent Jones “I told you those guys were nuts. Anyway, so there we are, four trucks on this hill like 200 yards from the hole in the fence. We are totally blacked out, wearing night vision goggles and we can clearly see the Coyote hustling about a hundred Tonks through the fence. The Border Patrol guys wait until all of them are through the hole and about 50 yards into our side, when all four trucks simultaneously turn on all their spot lights and sirens. Of course, the illegals shit themselves and bust ass back to the border…and in the darkness, they all run right into the concertina wire. It was a fucking mess. Some of them did not make it.”
Tucker “You have to be kidding me.”
Agent Jones “Nope. You think our force continuum is loose? These guys shoot anything they want. You should see their situation reports for deaths. They’ll take out guys with rifles at 100 yards and write in the report, ‘Subject was threatening agent with a rock.’ It’s a joke.”

I get off the plane and part ways with Agent Jones, who is officially in my Awesome Guy Hall of Fame. Riding a great buzz, basking in genius slick maneuver that got me into first class, and having just heard some hilarious stories, I head to the gate for my Newark to Nantucket connection in a great fucking mood.

[Previously. Tucker would like you to know that he has several fans, thank you. ]

Excuse me? Did you write the email below, or am I seeing things? Is this a joke?

Have you let the very small amount of fame—that I am almost entirely
responsible for—really go that much to your fucking head that you
think you can talk to me that way?

If you don't like our arrangement, if you don't like that fact that I
found you as a complete nobody doing nothing and have given you the
opportunity to reach the world, then you can go back to where you were
when I found you.

In fact, thats a good idea. You go ahead and go your own way. Let's
see how you do when you don't have anyone to blame but yourself.

Tucker's advice to Woods on how to make more money? An "offer to 'let' me drop out of college and become a prison guard so I could make another $100 writing for a different Rudius site."

1. The Dramatic Opening Scene:

2. Bar Scene One: Tucker Max Has A Way With Women And Dudes Better Not Give Him Any Shit Bro:

3. Bar Scene Two: Tucker Max Can Steal Your Sorostitute You Dumb Frat Boy So Watch Out Bro:

If we have the stomach, we'll bring you more lowlights soon bro!

UPDATE: Sometimes we wonder why we even bother.

Elsewhere: Bryan Singer undoes the studio's hetero-affirming intentions, while Towleroad thinks he's a little too close to jazz hands.