• Gwyneth Paltrow tried to post a blind item on her Goop.com, not realizing that when people know you're half of the blind item, it's pretty easy to figure out the other half. People are reasonably sure Paltrow's ex-roommate Winona Ryder is the "frenemy who... was pretty hell-bent on taking me down." [P6]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's Brazilian model and double rebound partner, reunited with the singer at a New York restaurant and shared a car after. He also landed a slot in Dolce & Gabbana's fall-winter men's wear campaign. Yes, we're stuck with him.
  
• When Kevin Spacey finds himself in the secret back room of a shoe store, he watches Kill Bill with his buddies. Uh, perhaps that is one element of what goes on. Sure. [P6]
• A 26-year-old woman in camouflage fatigues was arrested for peeping into Britney Spears' windows. The best part is she was initially asked to leave, but balked. Who do you security people think you are? [Us]
• The woman who was supposedly sleeping with Bruce Springsteen denied that she's been sleeping with Bruce Springsteen. But the pair do work out together, supposedly. Raising eyebrows! Because it's not like seeing Bruce Springsteen work out at your gym with anyone would raise eyebrows. It takes a harlot. [P6]
  
• Rihanna may have texted Chris Brown about his purported new girlfriend. He wrote back, "it's none of your business." Which is true. More of a case for social services. [Scoop]

• Bruce Springsteen was named as the "other man" in a New Jersey divorce. Between that and 2006 allegations he had an affair with a 9/11 widow, the singer felt obliged to say he still loves his wife. He called the allegation "unfounded and ugly," reiterating a statement from 2006. [People]
  
• Billy Joel's third wife Katie Lee tends to stay in the couple's New York apartment, while Joel likes to stay home in Long Island. Lee also likes to spend a lot of time with an attractive 36-year-old designer from Israel, Yigal Azrouel, who Joel assumed was gay. Turns out he's not. Frantic speculation ensues, made all the more complicated by the fact that the wife is less than half Joel's age, and who can tell what kids these days are thinking? About anything? [Gatecrasher]
  
• Fresh off the Samantha Ronson breakup she keeps calling a "break" or whatever, Lindsay Lohan got a new tattoo with her sister. She also died her hair again, for the second time in as many days, with Drew Barrymore. (Its last known color was red, but no one knows the color of the last dye job. MYSTERY.) She was friendly on numerous occasions, to strangers. Given that everyone was expecting complete mental and physical collapse, this was a banner day.
  
• Oh, except Stevie Nicks freaked out when the New York Times mentioned how Lohan might play the Fleetwood Mac singer in a biopic: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we’ll talk." [Times]
• If Madonna has to lodge in Africa to get her hands on that poor Malawi girl, then, by scale of dragon, by tooth of wolf, she shall conjure a house. Her spells should be more powerful over such short ranges anyway. [Sun]
  
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt and getting married for reals this time, not like the fake one in Mexico. That was "for cameras," whereas this one is "for The Hills," a reality show that involves no cameras of any sort, since it's recorded through magic by an approving (and obsessed) God. [E!]

TMZ paparazzi captured The Wrestler star emerging from his West Village lodgings, then followed him to a tanning salon/Brazilian waxing/staple-removal studio for a beautification regimen not unlike the one his character Randy "The Ram" undergoes in the film. He emerges a little later to the applause of appreciative fans wishing him best of luck, offering yet further echoes of The Wrestler, and we thought the moment could really benefit from the melancholic Americana of Bruce Springsteen's title song. Thanks to Gawker's Mike Byhoff, our dream became a reality. Enjoy.

• Mickey Grieves Dead Dogs, Tans His Hide [TMZ]

Adding his own twist to the now seemingly requisite Super Bowl "did I just see that?" FCC-baiting moment (Janet's exposed breast, Prince's monstrous silhouette, Tom Petty in only chaps giving Full Moon Fever, etc...), Bruce Springsteen slid down a runway at full speed, his momentum stopped by a potentially catastrophic crotch-camera collision.

We were actually tuned into the Puppy Bowl's kitty show at the time, but we were alerted to the Balls in the U.S.A. moment by a text message reading, "Did you just see Bruce Springsteen slide into the camera and facefuck America?" Today, Defamer commenters expressed similar concerns.

In case you missed it, the moment is above, replete with the sound of delighted Super Bowl party guests squealing at the very thought of the Boss's genitals pressed against every TV screen in America like a jar of pickles.

Degree of Difficulty: 5 Execution: 8.7 Anticipation: 9, for the nauseous awareness that Springsteen's crotch is inexorably rocketing our way.

[You Tube]

The track in question is "Outlaw Pete," the very first on new album Working On a Dream. To argue their point, a disappointed fan used the preferred method of all melody-embezzlement whistleblowers—putting the two songs side-by-side on YouTube.

Has Jersey's favorite son borrowed too heavily from his kabuki-rocking contemporaries across the Hudson? Is it just a matter of time before a certain serpent-tongued Celebrity Apprentice candidate goes all Satriani on Bruce's cap-toting ass? Or can we all just move on with our lives, and enjoy some half-time entertainment courtesy of 100% Certified American Original™ The Boss, comfortable in the knowledge that no demonshlongs will rear their pointy heads during a rousing rendition of "Born to Run?" [YouTube]

Dowd bragged to MSNBC that Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen couldn't get into her big inauguration party last night. She's a celebrity! A crowd gathered behind her during the MSNBC interview, because, the cable network dubiously claimed, members recognized the columnist and were fans, apparently enamored of Dowd's pointless pop-culture references and tired arch emasculation of various male liberals.

Anyway, Dowd said she's very happy about racial discord ending forever — she grew up with black people, you know — so she drank champagne and ate croissants at the Lincoln Memorial, in celebration of DC being integrated. What? Why would Dowd tell this story? Is she trying to parody herself? On peyote? Off of Ritalin?

In another bizarre, self-undermining statement, Dowd said she would go easier on Obama than on Bush, but implied this was only because she was terrified the diverse crowd behind her would tear the columnist limb from limb. Whatever.

Thanks to intern Stacey Fitzgerald for finding this awesomely surreal interview. Clip above.

The Washington Post runs an urgent story today about the trials and travails of planning a party of such scope. Two guys named Erik Smith and Jim Margolis, Democratic communication strategists, have been tasked to cobble the damn thing together. The Post sort of wrings its hands and vaguely prognosticates doom, but the thing is, Obama's a huge celebrity who lesser celebrities lurve. He can get anyone he wants, anytime.

Beyoncé has made her services available, gratis, and Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Joel have all been vocal supports of the boy from Illinois. It seems likely they'll make appearances. And I'm sure any manner of other acts would trip over themselves to be present at this most Hopetorical occasion. The Post needn't worry, unless they're concerned about like set changes and stuff. In that case, well, who really cares.

Plus Obama just doesn't need a ton of famous people encouraging us to like him. He's enough. He's the main act. While Bill Clinton—whose inaugural set the watermark for big splashy presidential fetes—was propped up by his many celebrities endorser-performers, Obama is an industry of fabulous entertainment unto himself. "Clinton basked in the glow of celebrities. Now celebrities bask in the glow of Obama," a Hollywood publicist told the Post. "Somehow he has become the sun and we're rotating in his orbit." Exactly. He can book anyone he wants, but in the end he's still the main draw of the whole enterprise.

As the girls on Super Sweet Sixteen continually remind us: even if Mystikal or whoever shows up, the party is still about meeee. So, as long as the Mercedes the American people promised Barry is waiting, with a big bow on top, outside the White House, I think it'll be just fine.

The most important point to make, though, is that whatever the performance ends up being, even if it is just Obama orating lyrically for a few hours (we wouldn't mind!), it's bound to be better than the last shitstorm inaugural. Here was Bush's line-up. See if you can spot which two of these things (but especially one) is not like the others:

"Destiny's Child, Lee Ann Womack, George Strait, ZZ Top, Clint Black, Brooks & Dunn and Ricky Martin"

Ugh.

• Madonna is supposedly getting "ficando" in Rio with a Brazilian model named Jesus. This means they can get it on with no strings attached while sad stupid Alex Rodriguez quietly studies Kabbalah or whatever. [Sun]
• Go ahead and hide behind your secret shops and unmarked bags, rich plutocrats. Bruce Springsteen isn't ashamed to shop at Barney's, head held high, like a proper, blue-collar rich person. [P6]
• Sorry poors, but the economic implosion is working out great for Mary-Kate Olsen. "That's where I got this! The recession!" [P6]
• This can't be a real picture of Katie Holmes looking "worryingly pale and tired" as she burns out on Broadway raising her kids while acting in her play. [Mirror]
• Penelope Cruz was late for a London screening of "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Then she ran to her suite to change, so Havey Weinstein yelled, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• Russell Crowe is fighting with Ridley Scott, on a movie set, over being told "'he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late." [P6]
• These topless pictures of Amy Winehouse are not as disturbing as you might think. She's put on some needed weight. And does not appear high! [Daily Mail NSFW]
• Actor Fisher Stevens will totally vouch for Jeremy Piven on the mercury poisoning thing. He had it, until he cut back to only "small fish." [P6]

Though it looked for a while like Wipeout may have its lowest-common-denominator license revoked for any number of intellectual-property infractions, that day won't come soon enough for NBC, which will be forced to stave off what THR calls "one of the most ambitious Super Bowl Sunday programming plans ever mounted by a non-host network." And yes, let's face it: If Pop Culture Doomsday has proven anything, it's that inbreds falling off padded balls (with NFL retiree-commentary) is the definitive sophistication Americans crave between football halves.

And as for counterprogramming against The Office? Boobs, naturally:

ABC will air an hourlong Wipeout in which cheerleaders compete against male "couch potato" sports fans. [...] "It's broadcast's biggest day, and this is a big mass-market show, and it's fun to be able to participate and be a part of it," said John Saade, senior vp alternative programming at ABC. "This will put Wipeout back in the public's consciousness between runs, and we plan to have a lot of fun with it."

Meanwhile at NBC, Jeff Zucker is hoping the Japanese can pick up the pace on that Wipeout injunction, lest he be forced to augment his own gameday programming with the stakes-upping, fan-friendly halftime act tested out earlier this year in New York. You don't know what this guy is capable of when he's cornered.

• 'Wipeout' special set for Super Sunday [Source]

Maybe this will help Obama blow up in Philly next week!

Quite a snub for Hillary, Queen of Arkansas!

The Boss thinks Obama's bus stops at Pennsylvania Avenue!

Springsteen: Obama America's last chance to get daughter in fine romance.

Obama's no hazard from Harvard skunked on beer playin' backyard bombardier!

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head. Only Barack Obama can cool my desire.

Neighbors criticized the plan for threatening one of the largest undeveloped spaces remaining in the area. Local planning authorities expressed similar concerns — but said they had little choice but to approve it since Mr. Weinberg had done his research, and the subdivision plan was done by the book.

"I really feel this is not best for the area," the Middletown Township Planning Board's chairwoman, Judith Stanley Coleman, said at the time of the vote, according to the Asbury Park Press, a local newspaper. "But we have laws in front of us that we have to take into consideration, and that is what we have to abide by."

I figured all rockers eventually sell out like this when I saw Bob Dylan's Cadillac Escalade commercial.

[WSJ]

Page Six reports that Robin Williams' wife Marsha "scored big" and beat out ABC's Chris Cuomo to win the bike. But Rush & Molloy say Cuomo won it! And the AP just reports that "the motorcycle went for $85,000."

And the auction site itself isn't really any help either, except for the odd conflicting feelings sparked by the information that someone is bidding $5,500 for free tickets to see a taping of The Colbert Report that won't ever happen due to the strike. But for a good cause!

So if you know whether it's GMA anchor and political scion Chris Cuomo or Robin Williams' presumably saintly wife tooling around on Bruce Springsteen's Big Boy, please let us know, so we can appropriately mock whichever column got it wrong.

Update: Ah ha! And the answer is Marsha Williams, for $85,000!

Heroes Night a Laugh Riot [NYP]
Bruce Springsteen, comedians raise money for injured vets [NYDN]

Photo: WireImage via Jossip

We're gonna save the folks over at Page Six a little research time in case this story has legs. Bruce is having a rough ride through that tunnel of love. He may have given Patti a reason to believe, but it's hard to be a saint in the city. It's the price you pay when there's darkness on the edge of town. Whether they're together in their mansion on the hill or living worlds apart, we're sure that, when the lights go out, they're both hoping, "We shall overcome." At least let them make it to Christmas; Santa Claus is coming to town.

Meanwhile, Bruce's rumored paramour is a 9/11 widow that he met at a benefit. Everyone we know wants to be a rock star; who knew rock stars wanted to be firemen?

BRUCE & PATTI 'ON THE ROCKS' [NYP]