• Uh-oh. When you read the headline "Paris Strikes Back at the Kardashians," you know you're in for some shit. #BEEF is the word. All I have to say before I read this is: Team Paris. Because it takes more to manage fame than a large ass and a bunch of braindead sisters whose names begin with K, you know? Paris backed out of the game for a while. Kept in on the DL, nahmean? She knows how to moderate these things. Now, let's see....oh, well this just sucks: Paris is "jealous" of Kim and Ko. because Kim and the Kardashians are kommanding all of this attention that she used to. So now she's gonna unveil a new line of products and let us know that her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are stable and normal and are also kind of thrifty, or something. I don't like this at all. If Paris wants to get back on the scene, cool, except real recognize real, P: don't change your stupidly lavish ways, you're watering down the product. All that said, still: Team Paris. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meh, meh, okay. Fine. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush and Molloy did an okay job this Sunday, after they rocked last week with crazy Scientology nonsense. This time, it's crazy strip club nonsense. Shitbag Michael Lohan supposedly wanted girls who looked like—eww—his daughter to dance for him, and Lindsay came in the week after to (heh) meet them. Madonna stiffed the dancers. Bill Maher was, naturally, a piece of shit. Bill Gates left a $3,500 tip. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis were, of course, totally cool. And then there's this gem:

  Ann Landers? The advice columnist?

  "Yeah, she interviewed John Kennedy Jr. while girls danced around him."

  Word. Related: let's bring back George, please. [NYDN]
  
  

• Okay, Diane von Furstenberg: clearly, you ate your vegetables and drank your Pimp Juice for dinner the other night, because this is pretty awesome. DVF was at a jam at The Standard and decided she needed to go home because it was ovah for her. Her rooftop Meatpacking District lair—I'm serious, it's like something that emerged somewhere between Narnia and Spaceballs—is just a few blocks away, so she decided to hoof it. Having recently been mugged in Spain, she pointed to tall, good looking guy at the party, and said, You, you are escorting me home. Baller status. DVF, we approve. [Page Six]
  
  
• Papa Lohan, besides being insane, is still in deep contention for Fuckface Father of the Year: he skipped out on some promise to raise money for special needs kids. [Page Six]
  
  
• Scary Metal Bro from Slipknot got married in Vegas, and him and his wife walked down the aisle to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Well, his mother definitely isn't Jewish. This is like the opposite of the Chris Brown Wedding Dance people. [People]
  
  
• Page Six: Michael Moore, you're fat and you're movie sucks. Also, you've done nothing to win the favor of Page Six, like escorting Diane von Furstenberg home. Asswizzard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Get this: some model named Chanel Iman thinks the Boom Boom Room is a great place to hang out. Big fucking surprise. Related, Gawker readers, for purposes of context, you should heretoforth do whatever research is necessary to understand what a Boom Boom Room is and why it's significant to this here feature. Because you will be reading about this Room of Boom Boom. Oh yes. You will. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy who used to be Billy Mays' partner on Pitchmen, Anthony Sullivan, wants a six-foot wall put up around his home because neighbor Derek Jeter has one, too. Yes, well: Derek Jeter also gets to have sex with Minka Kelly, but you don't see me trying to have sex with Minka Kelly, do you, Anthony? Jesus. Just be happy for him. You're worse than Jason Street. Also, notice how I had to actually preface Anthony Sullivan's name with what he did to get famous? That's because he's not famous enough to get cleared for building a six-foot wall in Tampa. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dear Art Garfunkel: Just because you're Art Garfunkel doesn't mean you have to treat the world like an Art Garfunkel. I hope Paul Simon laughs at you the next time he sees you, you complete assface. Art Garfunkel screamed at someone for a tissue and also told someone to quiet down a developmentally challenged person after they were making noise in his show, after which, they were escorted out. That's so sad. You know who'd write a great song about it? Yup: Paul Simon. Asswizzard! [Page Six]
  
  
• OMFGFGGG okay, wow, deep breath, okay. There's some story about Kelly Osbourne and a dog and a Swatch store but it doesn't matter all you need to know is that if you click on the link you will see a picture of something spawned from the demon asshole of hell and it's terrifying and almost kind of rock and roll but still Jesus be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you because I just did. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell's partner moved out and they're no longer making whoopie under the same roof. This is sad, except great, because I don't have to think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex again for another six months. Breakfast! It tastes worse coming up. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy from Hair has a huge dong. Go figure. Some lady ripped off his loin-cloth when he was doing his ridiculous hippie dance in the audience during the show and he got to let the sun/follow-spot shine in on his wang. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ugh. Sammy Sosa, you are freaking me out right now. Mark McGwire's balls shrink so you go and become white? So fucked up. Ughhh. Don't get it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Carrie Prejean's sextape is just aching to get out there. Also, best Carrie Prejean's Sextape-Related Headline: Carrie Prejean Has More Sex Tapes Than John McCain Has Houses. Genius. [NYDN]

Hey! It's Sunday. Enjoy yourselves today. Be thankful that you both (A) are not Art Garfunkel and (B) have gotten all of the Art Garfunkel's out of your life. And if you don't, maybe today would be a good day to do it, no? I hope I'm not your Art Garfunkel. In the mean time, a little jam from Paul Simon. I'd pick something from Capeman, but we're not that far into the day. So, let's do this instead:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

In the middle of the greatest economic downturn since the Great Depression, American handed over $35.3 million worthof its unemployment payments to Vaughn, Favreau and the gang. And honestly, its not for us we grieve; its for the children, who the reckless audiences of this weekend have thus doomed to approximately 27 more Vaughn films featuring him being hectored by a dismally joyless spouse who forces him to go somewhere uptight and boring, disrupting his playtime with even more hapless sidekick who is being driven close to suicide by his even more dismally joyless spouse. The children of tomorrow, when they reach PG-13 eligibility, will look back on the decisions America made today and curse our spirits, willing us to wander the earth unburied and unmourned for all eternity.

In their write-ups, the box office pundits are all but dying to avert their eyes from the Vaureau nightmare and talk about the far more trendworthy story of Paranormal Activity's viral driven success. Playing in college towns on a mere 160 screens (compared to Couples Retreat's 3000), the low-budget horror film raked in 7.1 million dollars, a number that Box Office Mojo's Brandon Gray says,

broke the minor record for highest-grossing weekend ever for a movie playing at less than 200 theaters, exceeding Platoon's $3.7 million at 174 sites (which would be on par adjusted for ticket-price inflation).

There's nothing the showbiz press likes better than a marketing phenomenon. It's been a decade since Blair Witch came along and turned the dominant paradigm on its head and changed showbiz forever, kinda. I mean, it was huge, right?...And three years since Snakes on a Plane reset..since Snakes on a Plane....Well, anyway.

Also astounding on the weekend chart is the number of recently mega-hyped films that seem miles away from catching fire. Bruce Willis' big-budget Surrogates is fading away in the 30 million range, likely a fraction of the total cost. Miles of ink and solid word of mouth don't seem to be able to propel Whip It over the ten million line, Fame is sputtering away at 20. And the latest Michael Moore is losing steam at 9 million; swell for a doc but less than a tenth his Fahrenheit heights.

• The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]
  
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]
  
  
• How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]
  
  
• The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]
  
  
• Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]
  
  
• Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

There is a 3 minute sex scene set to Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah' during the climax of Warner Bro's The Watchmen. Warner Bros. has just announced that they've reach their own climax: the 1 Billion dollar mark in domestic grosses this year. Movies like 17 Again, Friday the 13th, Gran Torino, The Hangover, He's Just Not That Into You and Watchmen and uh, some wizard movie have added to the cash orgy. [ Variety ]

NBC Universal lost 41% in profits last quarter. Execs claim the brutal economic downturn has slashed advertising. Three months ago, in the previous round of earnings, some execs said they thought the ad market had hit bottom. Industrytes point to the a certain lanky, ginger-haired late night host for their reduction in eyeballs and therefore ad revenue. The worst may not be over, yet guys! [ Variety ]

Trucks that do things! Humans that love them! Aliens who fear them! Coming up next in your dreary Hollywood adaptation: Voltron. [THR]

Twilight news that doesn't involve the dreamy undead! Billion-Dollar-Having Warner Bros. and Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way are moving ahead on a Twilight Zone movie, hiring Rand Ravich to pen a script based on the iconic Twilight Zone TV series. [ Variety ]

Silky-voiced actor Morgan Freeman is "in talks" alongside shiny-headed Bruce Willis to star in Summit Entertainment's espionage thriller "Red," based on the WildStorm/DC Comic. [Variety]

Alert your fellow book club members! Tell your spiritually starved mother! Alert your knitting circle! Casting for the movie adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love is almost complete. So far we have Julia Roberts, Viola Davis, and Richard Jenkins. [ THR ]

The essential crux of this photo shoot is this: Actors and models are weird. Really. While photographer Steven Klein was shooting these, and a crew hung around watching, the Willises stood naked and stretched in strange positions and, well, that was a Tuesday. To boot, they'd just come back from their food and wine heavy wedding getaway in the Turks & Caicos, so Bruce wanted some barbells around to do last minute toning and who knows what Emma did. The two met at the gym, so we're sure she did something. Bruce said of the shoot, "vanity dies hard," referencing his movie from a hundred years ago before going to stretch out in his black underpants while his new wife straddled him wearing a robot-wolf costume and everyone watched. So, it couldn't be that hard.

Convinced that Deal or No Deal can't get any better? Well think again. Not only will the show still have models and suitcases full of imaginary money, but now it will be filmed... in Waterford, Connecticut! Yes, because of tax incentives the show has switched production locations (from Culver City, CA), along with Jerry Springer, Maury, and something called the Steve Wilkos Show (which will all film in the same studio complex in beautiful downtown Stamford.) I can't wait until they start shooting Gossip Girl in Bridgeport! [Variety]

An American book made into a French movie will now become an American movie. Tell No One, based on Harlan Coben's best-selling mystery novel, was an international hit last year, so now America wants in on the action. [Variety]

Dusty old codger Bruce Willis will work until he can't stand up anymore. He's in talks to star in three new action movies, despite recently turning the unthinkably ancient age of 54. One's about a detective doggedly chasing a moiderer, another's about a grizzled retired Special Ops dude, and the third is about an FBI agent going undercover into the mob (though he's probably not going to do this one). So good for him. He's tapped into that same alchemy that Harrison Ford did about ten or fifteen years ago. [THR]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Rainn Wilson, maestros of quirk in their own ways, have joined Natalie Portman in the quirky sounding Hesher, about a wayward dude (Gordon-Levitt) who befriends a 13-year-old kid who's in love with a supermarket checkout girl (Portman), and who's dad (Wilson) is going through some tough times. How much you wanna bet the score involves a glockenspiel? [THR]

Hope, um, you didn't get too attached. ABC Family's Roommates series will not be picked up for a second season. Better luck next time, Tamera Mowry. In related news, Jackée Harry has been informed by her kid that her show, Jackée, Live!, will not be being performed in the living anymore. It's just too totally embarrassing for everyone. [THR]

• Bruce Willis supposedly met his wife, 24 years younger, through scuzzy casting calls he set up for the movie Perfect Strangers. Modeling agencies supplied candidates for minor roles; Willis did the "auditions" and successful candidates got maybe a sex scene or minor speaking role. Suddenly the phrase "what I've always wanted to do is direct" makes a lot more sense. [P6]
  
• Barbara Walters is planning to quit ABC this summer to have more time for herself, according to "industry insiders." [National Enquirer]
• As part of her PR breakup from Chris Brown, Rihanna is "taking a beak" from the relationship, because why do something rash like actually really break up with an abusive boyfriend? In the meantime, cautious Rihanna might buy Jerry Seinfeld's old house, for $7 million.
  
• At Condé Nast, the frugal editors (David Remnick, Ruth Reichl) take the subway; the posh editors still use car services; and the most foolish editors have their limos waiting for them right in front of 4 Times Square, so Si Newhouse knows who to fire. [Post]
• Octo-mom Nadya Suleman was "a stripper," in the sense that she danced topless for one night, and then quit in disgust. Oddly enough, Suleman's now-former nurses had a similar employment experience.
• Natasha Richardson donated her organs. [P6]
• Robert Pattinson never showers. He admitted this like two months ago. Bet his co-stars — "he completely reeks," said one — wish they had read Robert Pattinson Online a bit more diligently.

• Jade Goody, the English Big Brother lightning rod who had her terminal cervical cancer diagnosis broadcast on television, has died at the age of 27. She was home with family in Essex and had been sleeping for a day or so when she passed away early this morning. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown publicly praised her for raising awareness about the disease. [US]
• After it was reported that rapper and world's most revolutionary person M.I.A. had named her baby Ickitt, the Sri Lankan was all "Naws, it ain't Ickitt." Now we learn what the actual, beautiful name is: the more insectoid and/or chemical Ikhyd. Her next two children will be named Aphid and Formaldehyde. [NYDN]
• Natasha Bedingfield and Bruce Willis (while his ex was taking pictures of her butt) got married this weekend. Though not to each other. Also, Calista Flockhart's grizzled old boyfriend Harrison Ford is now her grizzled old fiance. The pair got engaged over Valentine's Day. She said "Yes," and then he threw a Russian terrorist out of an airplane. [Us]
• Michael Jackson, one of our most prominent shadow people, is hoping to adopt another child while he's living in Britain. He reportedly wandered his hotel gift shop, eying the Big Ben salt shakers and Westminster Abbey snowglobes, but then saw a soot-faced young street urchin standing humbly in the corner. A perfect souvenir. He twiddled his long, white, reed-like fingers at the child and cooed at him softly. He then said a few hissing words in Parseltongue to the salesclerk and skittered off to find his wallet. When he got back, the street urchin was gone. But he plans to find another one. In the meantime, he's spending his days causing that creepy rattling sound you hear in your basement. [Showbiz Spy]
• One of Madonna's nannies has been summarily dismissed, after she gave notice that she intended to quit. Angela, an Australian woman who cares for Malawian-adopted David, was told to leave before the notice period had ended. Maddy was apparently furious that the nanny had dared quit. Working for the She Hulk is a 24-hours-a-day type of jorb, as often times she'll get lost in her enormous Top Hat Closet in the middle of the night and need rescuing, or will need to be extracted from Dr. Basil Moriarty's Preserve-o-Matic machine, which she is run through twice a day. It's old and the leather straps that hold some of the pulleys are fraying so sometimes she gets caught halfway between the Gizzard Engorgenator and the Knee Knobbler. [Showbiz Spy]
• Dr. Momtopus has withdrawn two more squirming, pink moneybags from the hospital, the improbably-named Maliyah and Nariyah. As she carried them out to her car, in sacks with dollar signs painted on the sides, she was heard to yell "I sure hope there aren't any paparazzi around to see me WITH MY NEW, CRISP CHILDREN." It's expected that after she takes five more kids out of the hospital, she'll return one more time to find that she's overdrawn the account. "Dammit," she'll curse as she pounds the reception desk. She'll then point to her stomach and say "Well how long will this take to clear?" [People]

Also, congratulations to Zombie Radar for their excellent reporting on the Jade Goody death:


[via Peter Feld]

Movie folk continue to mine the oeuvre of sci-fi meditator Philip K. Dick. The latest movie project "loosely based" on one of his stories will be The Adjustment Bureau, which Matt Damon will star in for Universal. He's got a sweetass 20% first-dollar-gross backend. Not sure what kind of coin Dick's estate is getting at this point, but I'm sure some studio will soon pay handsomely for that box of old grocery lists that's just sitting there up in the attic. [Variety]

Bruce Willis got sued for dropping out of directing and starring in Three Stories About Joan, so now he's doing what any sensible person would do, countersuing. He wants $8.7 million because the producers were apparently sneaky about not exactly having full financing for the picture. [Variety]

Pennywhistle-voiced actor Mark Wahlberg will star in Prisoners, a story about a Boston man who turns crazed vigilante when his daughter and her friend are kidnapped. It's a good thing this movie wasn't just made. [Variety]

As his garage-built time machine just doesn't seem to work, a desperate Andrew McCarthy has found another way to return to the 80's. He'll be playing Brittany Snow's father on the spin-off of Gossip Girl that's set in Los Angeles' glitz rock n' roll days. No word yet on how he plans to sneak Judd Nelson onto the set every day. [THR]

Sex and the City dystopian visionary Darren Star is returning to HBO, with a first-look deal for a new series and an agreement to help shows from other writers along. His new skein will likely be called Doin' It in an Urban Area, about four friends who drink and cry all the time. [THR]

Oh good. A Marmaduke movie. But what does this mean for Steven Soderbergh's Howard Huge? [THR]

Take Bruce Willis for example (whose "conservative credentials often are exaggerated," according to the author), Ian McKellen ("Tom Hanks' co-star in The Da Vinci Code," we're reminded) and Jodie Foster, who is, of course, a lesbian and thus thoroughly godless by default. Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are outed as agnostics, meanwhile, and the feature ends with the obligatory bone-throw in the direction of God-fearing GOP actor emeritus Jon Voight.

Like you, we wondered what the real Newsmax angle might be here — if maybe they really are turning a new celeb leaf, or if this was Plan B after "Hollywood's 10 Jewishest Jews" simply proved too unwieldy a subject to whittle down on deadline. But after a second, closer, read, we think we get it: Straight-up bitterness. And not of the post-election variety either, but something far more ingrained: "You'd think hollywood stars would drop to their knees every day to give thanks for their fame, fortune, and beauty," the author notes. Maybe so, but his kind are technically responsible for The Love Guru, so let's just call it even for now, OK?

• Hollywood's
  Top 10 Atheists [Newsmax]

• Madonna's estranged, tell-all-writing brother Chris Ciccone blamed Kabbalah for her divorce from Guy Ritchie. Others, meanwhile, blame Ritchie's "unsympathetic" reaction to her 2005 fall from a horse, which broke eight bones.
• Freelance gossip columnist Baird Jones' will was found, along with three crates of his stuff, in the basement of his building. He left everything to artist Stephen Hooper. [P6]
• Billy Bob Thornton denied sending dirty text messages to David Duchovny's wife Tea Leoni. That's just how he says "hello." [Sun]
• Bruce Willis is getting married again to model and actress Emma Hemming. [Daily Star]
• Jennifer Aniston is still hanging out with John Mayer, most recently to celebrate his birthday. [Daily Star]
• Ringo Starr is really sorry — sorry you can't deal with him not signing autographs any more, HA HA. [Sun]

Boomp3.com

Famed offspring Rumer Willis was spotted in ultra luxurious Bev Hills over the weekend sporting new crimson colored locks. When asked why she made the decision to embrace her inner big red, Willis explained it was for a string of upcoming Halloween parties. Wilis said, “This season, I’m going to go as two different people —Joan from Mad Men and Pam from The Office— and I didn’t want to wear a wig. So, I just dyed my hair and now I’ll alternate between the outfits from party to party.” Willis felt that she would go with the Pam costume when attending spooky shindigs associated with her family and the more vivacious Joan Holloway costume at other events. Willis added, “I assume that if I was dressed like Joan at my dad’s party, a lot of his friends would hit on me and I’m not sure if I’m fully comfortable with that just yet.” Also before jetting away, Willis practiced her Facebook & MySpace profile photo in the rearview mirror.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

After the jump: Ben Affleck loses his job, Billy Crystal reclaims his own, and the world contemplates another Star Wars movie.

· Ben Affleck is in talks to star as a downsized corporate hack in Company Men, which we're told calls for a second male lead as well. Matt Damon casting bets are currently paying 2:3. [THR]
· After a six-year hiatus, Billy Crystal will return to the big screen opposite Dwayne Johnson in Tooth Fairy. [Variety]
· On the heels of Capote the Hutt, would George Lucas dare to adapt the new Star Wars video game as an animated feature? On second thought, please don't answer that. [Hero Complex]
· CBS and ABC were up, Heroes was down on the fall TV season's opening night. [Variety]
· Sony is keeping the plot for its newly optioned feature White Dad "under wraps." Meanwhile, the aggressively quick thinkers at Lifetime are angling for a Latino Babysitter MOW sequel as we speak. [THR]

While Mr. Kutcher said he fared well, he proved, at least in an interview with a reporter, that he was capable of being stumped. Asked, for purposes of fact checking, to spell the name of Ms. Moore’s youngest daughter with Bruce Willis, Mr. Kutcher confessed he was suddenly drawing a blank.

For the record, it is T-a-l-l-u-l-a-h.

Silly reporter: Kutcher is a former teen male model! Asking such a creature to spell is like asking him to do math or stop poisoning his friends with Hepatitis A. It can't be done, and it shouldn't; let the pretty man scrawl his birthday cards to "Demmy," "Roomer," and "Broos" in peace!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Know Dad’s Turf Builder, You’ll Win $250,000 [NY Times]

[T]wo days before the Oct. 29 surgery, the celebrity's people sent Trubenbach an email saying they had one condition: The actor would only write the check if Trubenbach agreed to turn over the boy's passport to his foundation.

Dumbfounded, Trubenbach asked why, but got no answer. She wouldn't do it. The celebrity pulled his offer. The surgery was going to be cancelled, Trubenbach tearfully told Brenda Hampton, a friend of hers who is also the producer of TV shows Seventh Heaven and The Secret Life of an American Teenager. On Sunday, with less than 24 hours left before the scheduled surgery, Hampton called American Express to get approval for a $180,000 purchase on her card.

Almost a year later, the kid is fixed up, and we're wondering who's got both the juice to make a deal like this and the balls to pull the plug on the eve of his surgery. Everybody in Hollywood gives, but only a few select charitable souls have their own foundations: The Bruce Willis Foundation has some history with Africa, as does (obviously) the Jolie/Pitt Foundation. Dwayne Johnson's Rock Foundation mission is "to make every child smile," but seems to mostly focus on Americans. Ideas, anyone?

• Zimbabwe village outcast embraced by O.C. school kids [OC Register]

RUMER Willis used to hate her name. The daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis tells this Sunday's Page Six Magazine that when she was 12, she realized she "got screwed."

My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames," she says. "When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.' " She also says she was shocked to be named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People this year: "After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way."

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you expecting celebrity parents. We realize children can be cruel, but really now: "Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor?" And as if that weren't enough, Willis had to withstand comparisons to Jay Leno, the late night talk show equivalent of a benign, hirsute growth. Talullah didn't know how easy she had it, with a name almost impossible to rhyme with anything suitably humiliating. ("Talullah, Talullah, with all that Die Hard 2 Moolah!")

• BLAME MY NAME [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan is either converting to Judaism for Samantha Ronson, Ivanka Trump style, or about to leave her for a man.
• Frances Bean Cobain, 15, goes to pilates with her caretaker, who is the ex-wife of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I had no idea about any of that. [P6]
• Rumer Willis, cruelly-named daughter of Bruce, was often compared looks-wise to Jay Leno, and also called "Rumer the Tumor" in school. But now she's on the People 100 Most Beautiful list, which one would hope helps with the self-esteem and so forth. [P6]
• Paris Hilton crossed this Scottish singer, standing on a chair that had the singer's posse's coats and bags and so forth. So the singer spit some drink on her with a straw. Then the catfight started, involving statements like "I'm going to kill you." (The Scottish singer is now to be knighted.) [Sun]
• Jamie Spears on daughter Britney: "She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But, like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot." [OK!]
• Madonna blew up at Britney Spears. Also, she's not turning 50, she's turning 36, because Kaballah says so.
• If you grab Amy Winehouse, you get what you deserve. [Sun]

Boomp3.com

Cybill Shepherd pleasantly greeted the snappers outside of LAX on Tuesday afternoon. The Moonlighting star told them that they sure knew how to make a girl feel welcomed as she pulled up to airport. The snappers followed Shepherd all the way to the ticket counter, but much to Shepherd's dismay, the lens men stopped once Shepherd hit the escalator. Shepherd asked if they wanted to get some frames of her taking her shoes off and you know, acting like a regular person. They collectively shrugged their shoulders and said that they've got enough photos of people without their shoes on.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.