Thanks also to Tony Millionaire for lending the assistance of Drinky Crow, and to all my well-compensated Yucaipa pals — Kevin, Frank, Naoma, Mike, Tom and the gang - for the inside scoop.

Keep your eye on the greasy grocer - we've just been told the L.A. Times has assigned a full-time investigative reporter to uncover his dirty deeds. And just remember, you read it here first. - JPS

On your way to or from the county lockup? Be sure to stop by the billionaire bag boy's other mansion - this here monstrosity in La Jolla, CA.

This'd be the cozy cabin where Michael Jackson spent the week after he finally beat the kiddie porn rap; and we hear it's also where the greasy grocer's pals Leo & Gisele used to go for some steamy "private time" - if you don't count the two-way mirrors.

A friend in need of a lavish, well-guarded hideout is a friend indeed. - JPS

The London Guardian weighs in with just about the weirdest thing yet - a fake statement from Rupert Murdoch. Who spiked the office party punch?
Rupert Must Be Livid About This. Hello, Rupert?
[Guardian UK]

This guy claims he knew me at the Post a while back. Can't say I remember him. This is a Scottish paper apparently. Snappy yet senseless headline.
Bitch Pickings [Sunday Herald UK]

The L.A. Times tackles the all-important monocle question. For the record, I've only worn the damn thing twice.
Fashion Statement - or Sheer Spectacle? [L.A. Times]

In other news, my dog once took a crap. - JPS

WHICH paunchy merchant prince just had his people go through the myspace profiles of the "girls" he hangs out with to make sure there were no pictures of him? His goons have been telling them to delete them or else.

WHICH fishy financier's lawyer is the one who regularly ratted him out to Page Six? Guess he wasn't paid quite enough.

WHICH puffy potentate spent almost $4 million digging up dirt on a Manhattan magazine editor? It must have been good, cause the story on him got killed.

WHICH rubbery robber baron hired a jailed P.I. and his heavies to scare off his ex-wife's boyfriend? Unfortunately they nearly killed the guy. - JPS

It has eight bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, a pool, a private screening room, and lots of underground tunnels, plus enough staff and security to man a battleship. It's a cozy little place where Hillary comes for the soft money, and Bill stays for the hard action!

Here's a little photo-tour of our friend's super-secret hideaway, courtesy of the cabal of hard-working Yucaipa employees who hate their boss enough to send me this stuff:

Let's get this party started...

(more after the jump)

Abandon all morals, ye who enter here...

This is after the maid cleaned up the evidence...

Kinda looks like a fancy funeral parlor.

Party at my house! August, you bring the beer. Anyone seen my little trapeze artist?... Frank, you watch the door. - JPS

A lot has been written about the New York Times' copious coverage of our little dust-up with the Burkle excrescence.

The Boston Phoenix called the paper of record "gullible" and said it was "spun" by the greasy grocer, noting, "The Times' skepticism should have been aroused by the fact that its sources [i.e., Burkle] turned over only six — six! — heavily edited minutes of roughly three hours of recordings."

TimesWatch, the New York Sun and media scribe Rachel Sklar are among those who have weighed in on the issue of the Times' motives. However, we're told there may be more news here than is fit to print.

Burkle's company Yucaipa owns Source InterLink, one of the biggest distributors of newspapers and magazines in the country. In 2004, Source InterLink and the New York Times Company signed a major distribution deal (this relationship has not been disclosed in the Times' coverage.)

(more after the jump)

In addition, Burkle is very close to several high-ranking Times folk. He personally corresponds with many of them frequently (and has done so since the story broke), and there's a long list of Times toffs who have stayed at his Beverly Hills mansion, Green Acres, over the past year or so. We're told there are always free tickets to the $1,000-dollar-a-plate-and-up Democratic fundraisers Burkle holds there for his Gray Lady pals.

While we'd really like to believe otherwise, sources close to Burkle say he has been able to influence the Times' coverage of himself and Yucaipa. So far, the Times is the only media outlet besides the Daily News to get the much-discussed six minutes of cut-and-paste crapola. Their coverage has certainly seemed a little one-sided at best. And a promised in-depth Times piece on Burkle and his myriad inconsistencies has yet to materialize.

Pinch, Punch, whatever your name is - you got some 'splaining to do. - JPS

The Times Goes Gossipy to Bash Tabloid Rivals at the NY Post [TimesWatch]
Gossip at the New York Times, Above and Below the Fold [HuffPo]
Schadenfreude of the Times [NY Sun]

We'd like to share with you this word from Joseph Tacopina, esq., former federal prosecutor and legal counsel for your beloved stand-in Editor: "We will be pursuing all of our legal options, including suits for slander and libel, as a much more complete picture of Mr. Burkle's tactics comes to light."

(Naoma, I hope you have plenty of petty cash stored up in the civil liability fund.) - JPS

Should a paranoid party-boy billionaire who'll do anything to stifle the press really be allowed to buy his own newspaper chain?

Most people wouldn't mind being mentioned in connection with the most beautiful girl in the world, but this opulent clown could not be any more anti-First Amendment if his name was Kim Jong-Il. (Also, Gisele's a little old for him).

The Sacramento Bee has a good story today about our pal Burkle's bid for the 12 Knight-Ridder newspapers, and quotes from the bilious billionaire's blustery anti-gossip op-ed piece in the Wall St. Journal — which, we're told, was actually written* by his $450-an-hour superflack, Mike Sitrick.

The Bee buzzes:

All of this is interesting enough - a would-be newspaper chain owner complaining about newspaper gossip. But it takes on an added dimension when one looks at Burkle's strenuous efforts to block reporters from accessing court documents in his own divorce case...

*Hey, Arianna - maybe Burkle will "blog" for you. - JPS

Tycoon at Center of Ironic Bursts of Media Attention [SacBee]

In case you've been hiding under a rock, the former tough guy P.I. (right) is languishing in jail after having done dirty work for just about every big shot in Hollywood.

The story's been splashed everywhere, but as Editor & Publisher pointed out recently, the mainstream media have ignored evidence of links between "The Pelican" and fun-loving couple Bill and Hillary Clinton. The (also-ignored) E&P piece notes that Pellicano is widely believed to have been on bimbo cleanup detail for the scandal-plagued couple.

Even cursory research reveals there's more to this story. With Pellicano's secret files now accessible to government officials none too keen on seeing Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office, the former first couple must be starting to feel the heat.

The Clintons must have had a middleman, though, sources tell us, and as usual, a rich pal to pay for it all. And we hear a certain former Secret Service agent in the employ of said pal (with a nasty habit of trying to blackmail journalists) knows all about it - and might be spilling his guts.

So, Mr. Secret Service, if we send you a Gawker Comments invite, will you tell us what really happened to Katherine Willey's cat? - JPS

What's Missing in the Media's Pellicano File [E&P]

Over at the Daily Snooze, what was once front page news (and, need we add, grounds for a libel suit) is now Saturday column filler for, let's see, the tabloid's "copy chief" (right). We'll have some nice court papers for you to proof read soon, old salt.
In Other Words [NYDN]

Whaddaya know: no famous folk are lining up to trash Page Six. But we like this comment from Leo DiCaprio's flack Ken Sunshine: "I've been dealing with Page Six since it started... They drive me crazy on a regular basis. And yet, people like me are employed on a regular basis largely because of this type of thing."
Others Like Watching Page Six Squirm [AP via Buffalo News]

And the good ship Gothamist is writing about us writing about what people are writing about us. "Bizarre media clusterfuck" indeed.
Gawking at Jared Paul Stern's Gawker [Gothamist]

There's a lot more to come, so just sit back — it's early yet — and revel in the fact that somewhere in the gilded gutters of Los Angeles a billionaire is shitting his Dockers™. - JPS

ESTELLA WARREN, another of the film's stars, answered the question seriously. "I hope the truth comes out," she said, expressing disappointment that many of her friends were portrayed inaccurately on Page Six. RON BURKLE, the billionaire accusing a Page Six contributor of improprieties, is "a good guy and he is not being portrayed as the guy he really is," Ms. Warren said.

The silly bitch seems to have forgotten that I put her on the map via Page Six back when Paolo Zampolli first brought her over from a pig farm in Peterborough, Ontario. - JPS

Boldface [NYT]

According to an associate of his, Burkle hates publicity and hates having his name in the papers, so why oh why did he orchestrate a sting operation against Page Six?

As a method of deflecting unwanted media attention, it's right up there with exposing your nipple at the Super Bowl halftime show. Did he really think that Jared Paul Stern would throw up his hands, say, "You got me," and then crawl under a rock, never to be heard from again? Did he honestly imagine that the rest of the media would pat him on the back, thank him for his service, and then never write another word about him?

But the kicker comes further down:

The next shoe to drop, apparently, is that Burkle is no stranger to using rather unorthodox methods to try and control what's written about him in the press. The New York Observer is working on a story about Burkle's attempt to have an in-depth profile of him in a glossy magazine quashed...

Burklegate [Toby Young] - JPS

With a little help from my good friend Drinky Crow, a few truth-seeking journalists and some excellent sources inside a certain evil billionaire's bloated retinue, we're going to expose us some very dark shit. So fasten your seatbelts. I've got a fifth of Jim Beam and a lead foot. Anyone know how to drive this thing? - JPS