The Hollywood Reporter reports that Palestinian shopkeeper Ayman Abu Aita filed a $110 million libel lawsuit against both SBC and David Letterman's production company because Cohen gave an interview on "Late Night" where he called Abu Aita a "terrorist". He and Letterman were talking about a scene in "Bruno" where Bruno interviews a "terrorist" at his home. However, Abu Aita claims he is a "peace-loving person who abhors violence," and that his reputation was ruined after the movie came out. On the other hand, the Alabama preacher who tried to convert Bruno to straight-dom is attempting to ride his new-found fame all the way to the mayor's office of his small town. [THR]

•With her cable network, Oprah is looking to do for documentaries what her book club did for William Faulkner novels: She's launching a documentary film club. The films will initially have "inspirational themes," so when your mother starts gushing about some documentary about underprivileged youth in 2011, blame Oprah. [THR]

•Chris Weitz, director of "New Moon," has come to the defense of the Illinois girl who's facing up to three years in prison for videotaping part of his film. According to The Wrap, Weitz wrote "Needless to say, the case seems to me terribly unfair and I would like to do what I can to address this." He then turned into a werewolf, broke into the girl's cell and took her to a castle where they made out. [The Wrap]

•Can you guess the premise behind the new speed-dating reality show on ABC called "Conveyor Belt of Love?" 30 men rotate on a conveyor belt in front of five women and are given a minute to talk to them before being whisked away forever. This would be about a thousand times more interesting if there was a fire at the end of the conveyor belt. [Variety]

•Johnny Depp does not watch his own movies. The Wrap reports that Johnny Depp recommended his new film "Public Enemies" to an audience in Tokyo by saying "I haven't seen the film yet, but I hear great things about it." Douche-y, or kind of awesome? [The Wrap]

•Cameron Diaz first won our hearts in the raunch-fest that is "There's Something About Mary." Now she's returning to her gross roots with "Bad Teacher," which is about a "foulmouthed, gold-digging middle teacher." [Variety]

•'Glee' fans: Idina Menzel, the Tony award-winning "Wicked" star, is in negotiations to appear in the final nine episodes of the season as the coach of McKinley High's arch-rivals. [THR]

Today, rumor has it that the first gag order has been issued; Mashable says Dreamworks inserted an anti-Twitter clause into Mike Myers and Cameron's Diaz's contract for their work on the fourth installment of the Shrek series, committing them, we presume, to keep all details of the upcoming cartoon off the social networking platform.

At first glance, the notion that anyone on Twitter would give a damn about details of Lord Farquaad or the talking donkey backstage hi-jinx seemed delightfully self-absorbed and misguided of Dreamworks. But on closer examination, with football games scores and weather news regularly trending on the site, perhaps viral media has reached such a saturation point that even fourth installments of over the hill children's cartoons are in danger from the new world. Can TMZ Girl be far behind?

On the other hand, Hollywood, is such a Draconian zero-tolerance approach really the best way to stir up excitement for a franchise that should have been put out of its misery several films ago? Maybe unfettered Twittering about Princess Fiona's wardrobe malfunctions are the one hope you have of stirring up a little enthusiasm.

These days, just about any celeb can get a book deal, but if they really want to get on Oprah and sell millions of copies, they need to come up with some sort of attention grabbing scandal that will catapult their tome up the best-sellers lists. It started innocently enough, in 1992, former Greg Brady, Barry Williams, wrote in his book Growing Up Brady that he had relationships with both is on-screen mother and sister. In 2003 Anne Heche's Call Me Crazy alleged sexual abuse as well as communicating with aliens. There aren't many other places to go after that. Last year John Lennon: The Life upped the ante by claiming that the Beatle not only had a gay relationship with Paul McCartney, but was also in love with his mother.

As the literary one-upsmanship continues from fake incest to aliens to real incest and gay relationships, the famous are going to have to dig deep to find accusations that will actually shock us into buying their sorry books.

• 2010: A new book about Elizabeth Taylor says that her secret to longevity is because she practiced Satanism at an altar in her basement. She also served as the inspiration for both Rosemary's Baby and Angel Heart.
• 2014: After his lover performing partner Roy's death, Siegfried Fischbacher writes a book about their life together and alleges that the only comfort Roy could find after his tiger mauling accident came when he started having sex with tigers. But only female tigers, because they are definitely not gay.
• 2017: Michael Phelps appears on the final season of Oprah to talk about his new book. He admits that during the Olympics he was on hormones, not because he needed extra speed, but because he's really a woman.
• 2020: Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to open up about her marriage to John Mayer, who wasn't really a human at all, but a shape shifting demon that she summoned through witchcraft and virgin sacrifice to kill Angelina Jolie. She fell in love with him instead. Mayer has no comment, but returns to the pits of Hades from whence he came.
• 2023: Lauren Conrad writes about her slide from fame into obscurity and how the loss of self-esteem lead her to make some odd career choices. She became a mid-priced hooker and drug trafficker that also ran a ring of very, very cruel puppy farms. Still, no one really cares.
• 2029: Suri Cruise finally pens a book saying that her mother married her father to become more famous and that her father often trapped them in the house for long stretches of time, not letting them talk to outsiders. She also says that they were involved in a cult with its own uniforms and crazy languages and that it kept her father from expressing his homosexual desires. It also eventually stole all of his money. Come on. Who's going to believe that?

• Twilight star Ashley Greene, rumored to be dating Chace Crawford, is the latest in a long line of starlets to have nude photos leak onto the internet. [Gatecrasher and Fleshbot (NSFW!)]
  
  
• So much for that little diet of hers — America's thuggish, chicken riot-inciting overlord, Oprah, ate her way through Manhattan over the weekend, making stops at the Times Square TGIFridays for potato skins and Dylan's Candy Bar for Starbursts and Hershey's Kisses, just like your average Midwestern tourist. [Page Six]
  
  
• No celebrities want to appear on Amy Sacco's dumb Bravo reality show, because Amy Sacco and her little nightlife empire and over and dead! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a bright little ray of sunshine to warm even the coldest heart — Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are giving it yet another go! [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted over the weekend boarding a plane to Spain. Though they've yet to confirm their coupledom, traveling overseas together is pretty much a dead giveaway, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Jessica Simpson recently got dumped by the epic tool quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and now she's scared to death in Japan after an earthquake made her pretty blonde little head worry. [Sun]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan are reportedly deeply in love with each other, so much so that they plan on moving in together very soon. [Page Six]
  
  
• So not only does Cameron Diaz now resemble a character on Nip/Tuck, but she also has armpits that have the audacity to sweat profusely, an unfortunate trait for someone who's photographed as often as she is. [Mirror]
  
  
• Finally, at age 35 and after years of drinking, drug use, nonstop partying, rocker dude-boning, etc., Kate Moss is beginning to show some wear and tear on that beautiful face of hers. [Daily Mail]

Well, it wouldn't be the same without them. Here are some of our favorite pictures from the first two days. Strangely, most of them are of women. Like everyone else, the photographer is probably too scared of girls to actually talk to them, so he just snaps away.

Publicity shy Tinkerbell hides from the paparazzi.
Just because you have a Darth Vader helmet on does not mean you're wearing a costume.
"Hi, this is Dick Cavett under here. Have you seen my friend, Darth Vader?"
Captain Transamerica.
Perez Hilton makes a killer Green Lantern.
Not a librarian costume, a real librarian.
John Cho immediately after placing index finger to temple and cocking thumb.
"Listen, I thought I wouldn't have to bring this up after last year's debacle, but I repeat: Section 498 of the guidelines of the Pretend Princess Leia Federation states that you must be under 217 pounds to wear the gold bikini costume. Thank you."
The front row of the Robert Pattinson panel.
"Then I got up on and served Peter Jackson and James Cameron water. It was freaking suh-weet!"
Apparently Halloween isn't the only occasion for slutty cheerleader uniforms anymore.
Attack of the 50-foot Megan Fox.
Mommy, help!
Sadly, we know who she's dressed up as. And she did a killer job.
Millions of fanboys left in a huff when they learned that the Cameron Diaz panel about The Box had no mention of, well, you know...
Former East German swimmer and Olympic gold medal winner Helga Auchtenfluz came as the Hulk.
If she can read our mind she'd hear us thinking, "Spandex? Really?"
Isn't that a Vulcan symbol? Where's your authenticity?
Pretty girl uglies herself up so someone will actually talk to her at Comic-con.
Fired from his job fighting litter, Paper Iron Man got a job as a holiday gift wrapper at Macy's.
No, not Dora the Explorer. Just some kid.
The Ice King goes in search of his bride, Anna Wintour.

• Cameron Diaz is apparently boning Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law at the same time. She's been spotted out and about in London on "secret dates" with both of them, so yeah, she's taking both of them on the regular, no doubt. [Sun]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson drowned her sorrows after being dumped by Tony Romo by hitting the town with her girlfriends and sucking off a frat boy in the backseat of a Geo Prism. Actually, we're kidding about the last part. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got into a huge fight after Sam went out all night with Drea De Matteo and Lindsay went beserk with jealousy. Sam would up tossing all of Lilo's clothes out onto the street. Just another Saturday night for these kids really. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham has hired a personal spray-on tanner person to keep her looking perfectly bronzed at all times. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are engaged! Supposedly he called her up on stage during his stand-up act and dropped to one knee while she was on the stage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested and charged with DUI in Miami after having three drinks while looped up on Benadryl. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lady Gaga showed up on the set of a German TV show for an interview and was wearing a coat made out of miniature Kermit the Frogs. It's quite a sight to behold. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not the world's best driver by any means, even for an actress. [Mirror]
  
  
• It now appears as though there will be no murder charges filed against Dr. Conrad Murray in the investigation of Michael Jackson's death. [Sun]

• Jon Gosselin may have found himself another ladyfriend, a tabloid writer named Kate no less. Her full name is Kate Major and supposedly she and Jon met doing a story on him and has a history of getting "too close" to her interview subjects. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new book by a former Secret Service agent says that the Bush daughters were out of control heathens who did everything in their power to defy authority and just do whatever the hell they felt like doing, kinda like their dad! [Page Six]
  
  
• Some crazy Russian guy has been issuing death threats against Britney Spears, who is so spooked by it all that she's refusing to allow her children to make the trip with her. When will Vladamir Putin stop harassing Britney Spears?! [Sun]
  
  
• Tito Jackson just doesn't understand why Michael's doctor, Conrad Murray, didn't make an effort to get help sooner on the day that he died. Murray is sort of in hiding and alleged to be the main focus of a criminal probe. [Mirror]
  
  
• John Mayer is such a dick! So back when he was dating Jessica Simpson, on her birthday, he sent her a DVD of one of his live shows as a present. In other news, why do all of Jessica Simpson's men treat her like shit on her birthday? [Page Six]
  
  
• A scary-looking Cameron Diaz partied it up in London with Jude Law at some club. It's possible that The Sun obtained the worst photo ever taken of Diaz to attach to the item. [Sun]
  
  
• Patrick Swayze is looking like his health may be improving. The British tabloids are all running a picture of a relatively healthy-looking Swayze just sort of hanging out in a cowboy hat. He is apparently going through some super-duper secret revolutionary radiation treatment. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow is pissed because the producers of Iron Man II picked Scarlett Johansson to be on the movie's poster over her. [Sun]
  
  
• The recently institutionalized Mischa Barton is rumored to have been suicidal when the LAPD arrived at her house last week. [Sun]

• An Australian tabloid is reporting that Robert Pattinson has knocked up 19 year-old Kristen Stewart, his Twilight co-star. Allegedly they had an "encounter" and now she's understandably "very nervous about the whole situation." [MTV]
  
  
• Armani is set to run a line of sexy new ads featuring David Beckham and Angelina Jolie. Oh boy—Are we the only ones who think this could be dangerous? [Yahoo]
  
  
• Britney Spears was sporting a "spare tire" as her concert tour shifted from London to Paris. Apparently, Brit has been enjoying English food, which is something we just can't wrap our brain around. [Mirror]
  
  
• Former Three's Company star Joyce DeWitt, a notoriously nutty broad who played Janet on the show, was arrested for DUI the other night. [Daily News]
  
  
• Creepy douche director of movies laden with explosions Michael Bay allegedly made Megan Fox wash his Ferrari while he filmed her as her audition for Transformers. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and Jared Leto have all trimmed their bangs, which signifies that man-bangs are officially on the way out. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Twilight star Kellan Lutz and 90210 actress AnnaLynne McCord went to a party in the Hamptons and were roaming around the house looking for a place to bone. Someone directed them to a bathroom and they went in. [Page Six]
  
  
• A photographer recreated some of Madonna's iconic photo poses using Cameron Diaz in a photoshoot for V Magazine. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Osbourne said that Lady Gaga has a "butter-face" and that "she has everything but the face." Yes, Kelly Osbourne said this. Yes, that Kelly Osbourne. [Mirror]

• Britney Spears is taking her bondage-themed tour to Europe soon and is rumored to be planning afterparties in clubs featuring "naked acrobats, topless burlesque babes and dancing dwarves." [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga doesn't care about the Jonas Brothers' dumb fake chastity vows, she wants to round those boys up, get them all in a room, and have a foursome with them! [Daily News]
  
  
• Human trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is trying desperately to land a gig as a "creative consultant" at a European fashion line, which has caused an uproar among the line's current employees, some of whom are threatening to quit if they hire her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle passed out in her bedroom after crying all day and yelling at Britain's Got Talent producers before she was admitted to a mental hospital. She was also heard screaming for her cat Pebbles as she was being admitted. This story gets sadder every day. [Sun]
  
  
• Winona Ryder said in an interview that she and Christian Slater have signed on to do a sequel of the Hollywood cult classic "Heathers." [Perez]
  
  
• Paris Hilton was kept away from the stars of The Hills on the red carpet of the MTV Movie Awards out of fear that there'd be some sort of catfight break out over Paris recently trashing the show. [3AM]
  
  
• Shia LaBeouf is set to star in the latest film adaptation of a John Grisham legal thriller. [Daily News]
  
  
• Did you see Cameron Diaz at the MTV Movie Awards? Everyone wants to know what the heck happened to her face! [WWTDD]
  
  
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, following the lead of Brangelina, are set to adopt a Vietnamese child very soon. [Sun]
  
  
• Stephen Dorff has apparently had enough of banging silicone-enhanced Hollywood bimbos and is settling down with his publicist. [Page Six]

The lineup for Cannes has been announced, with only two American films entered into formal competition. Those would be Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds and Ang Lee's Taking Woodstock, which curiously stars mild comedian Dmitri Martin. Other movies, in and out of competition, that we're interested in: provocateur (with only middling success) Lars Von Trier's horror movie Antichrist, Terry Gilliam's Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and a new creeper by Michael Haneke called The White Ribbion, an allegory about fascism set at a German boarding school in 1913. [Variety]

Naomi Odenkirk, who reps a bunch of SNL stars, and Marc Provissiero, who has repped many sitcom writers, have come together in a blessed Hollywood business marriage to form Odenkirk Provissiero Entertainment, a representation firm for funny people. So you hear that class clowns and Rude Mechanicals in college productions of Midsummer's everywhere? There is a place for you in California. [Variety]

Oh good. Speaking of comedy! Comic genius Cameron Diaz has signed on to play the lead in Bobbie Sue, about a "hard-charging female ambulance chaser" who becomes the face of a big firm that is being sued for sexual discrimination or something, so she probably learns a lesson about being a woman instead of chasing a paycheck and isn't that terrific. [Variety]

If you were to consider one actor the younger Dustin Hoffman, you would immediately think of James Marsden, right? Good. Director Rod Lurie agrees with you. He's just cast the Second Noah star in the Hoffman role in a remake of Straw Dogs. Instead of rural England, the new version will take place in the deep South. Hm. [THR]

The inevitable third Twilight movie, called 'Pire Walk With Me, has found a director. David Slade has experience with the vampire genre, as he directed the Josh Hartnett Alaskan boondoggle 30 Days of Night. Only in that movie the vampyrs ate your face off. In Vamps 3: Hardbodies, they just sparkle at you and refuse to boff. So, slight nuances. [THR]

Oh, fun. Director/writer Rian Johnson has posted the opening sequence from his new film The Brothers Bloom on Hulu. We lurved Brick and have been excited for this movie for some time. And the clip doesn't disappoint. [EW]

Nicole Kidman, plastic bee-stung actress of floundering status, has joined Woody Allen's next movie. Also on board are Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Naomi Watts, Antonio Banderas, and Freida Pino. Generally Allen's more star-studded movies turn out to be the worst ones (with the exception of Everyone Says I Love You), so this doesn't bode well. [Variety] Meanwhile the so totally still likable Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are said to be on board a James Mangold-directed movie about a luckless lady love loser who meets a mysterious stranger on a blind date. The movie was originally going to star Eva Mendes and Chris Tucker, so that should speak to its quality. [Variety]

The top 35 ad-based cable networks—Fox News, Food Network, Cartoon Network—are up 7% this year in ratings. Fox, for example, averages a depressing 1.7 million households, up 22% from the same quarter last year. Though other networks like MTV and Lifetime have seen drops, 16% and 12% respectively. Makes sense to us. What with the economy and all, no one has time to pay attention to things like music and women. [Variety]

Hm. Noted conservative 24 producer Joel Surnow (who is responsible for this) is penning a 10-hour miniseries called The Kennedys, which will dig into "the soiled and crooked steps" that the family took to insinuate themselves into the White House. A Canadian distributor plans to shop the idea around Cannes in May. Good luck finding actors! Though, I bet Bruce Willis would look fabulous in a wig and pillbox hat. [Variety]

Area hottie boombalottie Ian Somerhalder (Boone from Lorst) has been cast in a CW pilot called Vampire Diaries. He plays a vampire who is fun one minute, evil the next. And nude. Hopefully nude. [Variety] Former hottie boombalottie Orlando Bloom will be featured in the last unproduced screenplay by the late playwright Horton Foote. He'll play a small town North Carolina policeman. Also joining him in the cast is Andrew McCarthy. [THR]

Donald Sutherland will star in The Eastmans for CBS. [THR] Isaiah Washington is lined up to star in that Lou Rawls biopic everyone's been clamoring for. [THR] The comic American Jesus, about a modern-day bout between the Savior and the Antichrist, may be adapted into a film by X-Men director Matthew Vaughn. [THR]

Either you love her or find her humor shallow and strangely dated, but Chelsea Handler is here to stay. For three more years, at least. She just signed a big deal with E!, extending her late-night talk show Chelsea Lately for another three seasons. The show has been a hit for the wan little cable net—the laff riot gets more women viewers, 18-34, than Last Call with Carson Daly, the new Jimmy Fallon show, or Craig Ferguson. Though most of those women are the annoying people who will talk loudly over shows like Project Runway, thinking their jokes are more entertaining than the actual show, so who wants to advertise to them anyway. [Variety]

Like an iceboat forcing its prow through dense North Pole ice, celebrated actress Cameron Diaz is breaking new ground as an artist. She'll be starring in a romantic comedy, her first ever, in which she play's something of a guy's gal. The movie is called Swingles and may not be for those who can't handle change. [Variety] Meanwhile the not-at-all-overhyped, not one bit, Anne Hathaway will be starring in both stage and film versions of the biography Get Happy, about celebrated insane boozebag Judy Garland. Long rumored to be doing a musical (Guys and Dolls, Promises, Promises), this looks to be Hathaway's first confirmed Broadway appearance. She's also doing Viola in the park this summer. [Variety]

Curiously likable former child star Amanda Bynes has landed an ABC comedy pilot (they do comedy so well!) called Canned, about a young woman who is unwittingly terribly mistreated by her boss. Geez, I can relate! [Variety] Curiously unlikable comedian Robert Wuhl somehow got past security at HBO, though he'd been banned from pitching shows to them since Arli$$ ended (those Funky Teacher things don't count). But somehow he did, because he's developing a father-son comedy about the owners of a Madison Square Garden-esque arena, providing a backstage look at all the sporting events and concerts and stuff that come through. He's also maybe developing those Funky Teacher things into a Broadway show. Inexplicable. [THR]

Here's fun: Catherine O'Hara, Tom Selleck, and Martin Mull are all starring in an action comedy together. Well, OK, the real leads are the unfortunate Ashton Kutcher and Katharine Heigl, but those three enjoyable old-timers will be popping up as well. Can't wait until June 2010! (Yes I can.) [THR] Also teaming up is a band of Injuns for the next Twilight movie, New Breaking Eclipse. They're all playing fearsome and brave werewolves who defend humans against a nasty group of vampyrs. Several different tribes are represented with the casting, and all the kids are making their movie debuts. Finally, we have repaid our debt to Native Americans in full. [THR]

TV vets Maura Tierney and Peter Krause will be starring in the pilot of the series-based-on-a-movie Parenthood. They'll be playing the Dianne Wiest and Steve Martin parts. No casting has been announced for the old lady who gives the lovely rollercoaster monologue towards the end, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a heavily made-up Rachel Dratch. [THR]

• Someone in Toronto has Tom Cruise's BlackBerry. The Church of Scientology will disavow any knowledge of the actions needed to get it back in the event an agent is caught or killed. [P6]
• Vegetarian animal-rights-campaign Paul McCartney is too much of a hippie pansy to kill off the rampaging army of wild boars breeding on his British estate. Neighbors worry the delicious animals "could kill someone." [Sun]

• If CNN is so fat and flush, why did it "part ways" with the guy in charge of hiring people? Please tell us it's because he wasn't hiring people fast enough. Because CNN is the last best hope.
• Anna Wintour went to the opera with "Shelby Bryant" or Shelby Bryan? Solve the riddle, Page Six!
• Cipriani: Our menu is so controversial it sent the owner into exile. In Uruguay! [P6]
• Cameron Diaz "totally scoped... out" Keri Russell's carpenter husband at an Oscar party. And Keri Russell so did not feel threatened. [Daily Star]

• Madonna probably helped John McCain a bit by showing a video of him alongside images of Hitler, Robert Mugabe, starving children and global warming. Obama was depicted as Gandhi and John Lennon. Luckily for Obama this video has not yet been shown in the U.S. [Times]
• The creator of Gossip Girl hates how the CW is advertising Gossip Girl. [New York]
• After breaking up with fellow billion-heiress Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson took a "really hot brunette" named Lisa to a party in honor of Kathie Lee Gifford. Both women wore skimpy S&M-themed outfits, which were deemed "inappropriate" because they were more edgy than what Regis Philbin was wearing. Well then! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson went baby clothes shopping. [R&M]
• Due to her 8,000 children, Angelina Jolie can get more free money from the French government than many Americans earn through actual physical labor. Or so says an English tabloid. [Sun]
• Jennifer Aniston's ex is maybe engaged to Cameron Diaz, who used to date Aniston's ex, John Mayer. Mayer, meanwhile, can't get any attention from the paparazzi now that he's not attached to Aniston.
• Heidi Montag is dressing up as Olivia Newton John to sell her terrible music. [Hot Or Not]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver, whose books include a recipe for a bacon sandwich just perfect after a long night at the pub, slammed the Brits as people who would rather get drunk than eat well. [Mail]

We're troubled, however, to read for what feels like the the thousandth time that the ladies aren't quite measuring up:

In an era where risk-averse studio executives have declared men the more reliable movie stars—and the more desirable moviegoers—perhaps it's no surprise that they are also the medium's top earners. The reality: Hollywood's 10 best-paid actors out-earned Hollywood's 10 best-paid actresses 2-to-1 over the course of the year.

Collectively, the big screen's leading men took home an estimated $487 million between June 1, 2007, and June 1, 2008, compared with the leading ladies' haul of $244.5 million.

However, in an even more revealing Forbes slideshow for the prose-impaired, we discovered that actresses fared much better in the "Ultimate Payback" category, which calculates the best gross-to-salary ratios in the biz. While a pre-Fred Claus Vince Vaughn ranked #1, Julia Roberts, Naomi Watts, Jennifer Aniston, Renee Zellweger and Jodie Foster cracked the top 15 as well. (That'll happen when you're relatively underpaid; top-earning actress Cameron Diaz is way down at #32.) Prepare yourself for Christian Bale's controversial post-Dark Knight ascent, followed by the touching, accompanying profile of how the strapping star went from clown's son to box-office powerhouse.

• Hollywood's Best-Paid Actors [Forbes]
• The Ultimate Star Payback [Forbes]

Our Suggestions For Jimmy:

Adam Carolla: We've never actually seen Kimmel look quite as happy on any TV appearance to date than during those beer-guzzling days of homo-erotic male bonding with Carolla, currently desperate for some much-needed post-Dancing With The Stars publicity.

Cameron Diaz: One of the co-stars of Kimmel's revenge video in which Ben Affleck managed to keep down a visible need to dry heave while millimeters away from Kimmel's mug, we've noted recently how eager the bed-hopping actress is for action. And so far, no amount of plumber butt crackage, receding hair lines, or drastic height differences have stopped her from jumping into the next bed!

Emily Gould: Any loyal reader of our siblings in snark over at Gawker are more than familiar with that epic battle between Kimmel and former Gawker blogger Emily Gould. Standing in for Larry King last year and feeling very important about it, Kimmel accosted Gould for daring to contribute to a site that caught him "drunk and talking loud" on the streets of Manhattan. But whenever we watch the clip, we can't help remembering why all those chubby little kindergarten boys would be mean to girls: they sooo wanted to take them behind the school bus and get them pregnant!

Our Suggestions For Sarah:

Seth Rogen: We don't know about Sarah, but we would have been more than a little miffed after seeing less-funny quasi-Jew Elizabeth Banks stealing her thunder by filming the (again) less-funny version of Silverman's original "I'm Fucking" video alongside the goofy and kinda Kimmel-esque Seth Rogen. What better way to kill two birds with one fuck stone than to team up with Seth and form the new and improved comedic union of uncomfortable love?

Britney Spears: Remember what we said about those mean boys on the playground? We've long suspected Silverman's borderline-cruel rant against Spears after her tragic VMA performance may have been a guise for an intense girl crush. And Britney, lest you forget, dabbled in the very chic girl-on-girl movement long before Lindsay and Sam made it "cool."

Doug The Dog: Because who wouldn't risk jail time to pucker up to this little twitchy bundle of chihuahua ass?

• IT'S OFFICIAL: KIMMEL AND SILVERMAN NO LONGER F*CKING [Vanity Fair]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

You see, Penelope has been suffering from a very common disorder among borderline crazy celebrities since she was a wee moth — a troubling situation involving a "monster" living inside her, determined to "sabotage the most beautiful moments" in her life. We can only presume this demon tends to follow the same pattern each and every time she says "Uh oh! Here it is again! Go away and leave me alone!": Flashing its diamond-tipped manicure and next season's skinny men's suit from Marc Jacobs, the pinkies-out being scatters a potent amount of fairy dust on ex-"boyfriends" like Tommy and beer swilling boy-fan Matty McConaughey, distracting their bedazzled eyes from the beard they desperately require. Which is sad, considering one of the nicest things her Secret Lives Of Women director Isabel Croixet had to say about the Spanish star was how the sight of Cruz naked is the "least sexy moment in history." Perhaps someone ought to FedEx a copy of Secrets to those Maxim boys, requiring a "correction" in their next issue?

[Photo credit: The Celebrity Blog]

• PENELOPE CRUZ W MAGAZINE 2008 COVER PHOTO [The Celebrity Blog]