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broken borders
Posts Tagged “
Canada
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broken borders
Run!
Toronto Goes BOOM!
This is what happens when you let the Canadians have technology more advanced than wood-burning stoves and beaver traps. A series of massive explosions rocked Toronto last night when the Sunrise Propane Depot went up in flames, sending fireballs and smoke soaring as high as 60 stories. There's a bunch of coverage on Rain Coaster's page. And a nifty video of the fiery hell after the jump. Update: "Police report at least two injuries involving people hit by broken glass and fiery debris that shot into the air after the initial blast, just before 4 a.m. ET. One man lost his balance and fell while running from the scene, where a huge fireball lit up the sky. Tony Testa said he suffered burns to his back from falling debris." [CBC] More »
broken borders
Americans Baffled by Mysterious "Canada"
Canadians. Just last week we learned that they are stealing our jobs, brownstones, and potential mates. But this is apparently all we know about them, if two recent news items are to be believed. First, a "comedian" on a "comedy" television show was forbidden by producers from making jokes about Canada or even mentioning that strange nation. Because to announce his Canadianness would confuse viewers. "Why does he speak American, then? He looks so American!" And then maybe they'd Google Canada and learn of its cheap beer and free health care and we'd have a crisis on our hands. No, it's best to keep Americans in the dark about "Canada." Even if it leads to embarrassing diplomatic incidents like the instructional handbook given to George W. Bush and his staff before a state visit to Canada in 2004. DID YOU KNOW: "Canadians, for the most part, place importance on education, skill, modesty and politeness." Canadians—they're nothing like us! More important advice for dealing with Bonnie Fuller below. More »
broken borders
Canadian Menace Washes Up in Park Slope
2,000 words on "Canadians who live in New York—sure, that's a trend" and yet the name "Sklar" does not appear once. You guys didn't do your homework. Still, we learned lots of other terrifying things about these foreigners and what they want from us: our jobs! Canadians, you see, are a mysterious and dangerous race of attractive young superbeings! More »
Exhibitionists
Sickos Derive Pleasure From Public Sex; Police Baffled
Outrage: people are making porn films at WWI monuments! At the Canadian National Vimy Memorial (pictured), a couple "stripped naked and performed sex acts beside the soaring stone structure," taped it, and put it on an online pay site. A police spokesman said, "It is a problem which appears to be getting worse -people appear to get a perverse pleasure out of this behaviour." Strange! Only a freak could believe that this noble structure's design connotes sexual organs somehow. But you have to think: if the spirits of all those deceased young guys really do rest in that monument, they wouldn't mind a little action once in a while. [Telegraph UK]
canada
Canada Is Amazing!
Canadians! Did you know they get their own day? It's true! And it's today! We've been celebrating all day by ragging on Canadian Malcolm Gladwell for no good reason and also extending more publicity to creepy scumbag Canadian Dimitri the Lover! It turns out the FreeCreditReport.com guy is also Canadian! But French Canadian so he probably doesn't even want to be Canadian. Go celebrate the nation that oppresses his people by watching that video where not knowing his credit rating made him marry that total bitch and take on her stupid girl debt (probably incurred by shoe-buying and driving poorly). [HuffPo]
dimitri the lover
Here, Have Fun With This
Dimitri the Lover may be an incredibly inept (if scary!) pickup artist, but it cannot be denied that he has an awesome website. One of the secrets of his awesome website is his expert use of Shockwave animation, mostly featuring big-breasted cartoon ladies. But because his site is on hiatus or something, you couldn't see all his great work. Until now!!! Because he left his "animation" directory open. Above, a still from one of his more mature works, "Dykes." (Link NSFW, probably?) [Dimitri the Lover]
gay
Please: Ask! Tell!
The Canadian military's enthusiastic participation in Toronto Gay pride events provides yet more proof that they are winning at North American Democracy. Ten Canadian soldiers marched in this weekend's Toronto Pride Parade, and the Canadian Armed Forces set up an information booth to solicit recruits from the well-toned ranks of Canuck 'Mos. Between this, the ascendant Loonie, and the unstoppable appeal of Seth Rogen, it is now evident that Canada is destined to rule over us in glorious empire.[Metafilter]
friday mixtape
Canada Day Edition: Make Canada's Best Mixtape
Happy Canada Day in advance! (Fun fact: Canadians celebrate their day of independence on whatever day is convenient because no one knows the real date.) Did you know Nickelback is from Canada? (Thanks Canada!) But so are The New Pornographers, Leonard Cohen, and Neil Young. Of Montreal is from Georgia but they're named after a bad ex of the bandleader who lived in Canada so that counts. Below are the instructions for adding to this week's Friday Mixtape: Oh Canada (it's funny because it's their anthem). More »
dimitri the lover
World's Worst Pickup Artist Has World's Greatest Website
Hey! Remember Dimitri, the guy who left the psychotic voicemails? Remember how much fun we had with that? Dimitri doesn't seem to be too upset that his incredibly creepy pickup strategy leaked onto the internet. He just relaunched his webstite! THE OFFICIAL WEB SITE OF DIMITRI THE LOVER, CANADA'S GREATEST LOVER AND SEDUCER is live! Just last night his site announced something major in the works. And here it is! He's working on a full-length documentary, apparently, as well as two reality shows. One is called "Doctor Dimitri, Malpractice Investigator," which actually sounds totally A+ would watch.
crime wave
Hoax Revelation Makes Canadian Body Part Mystery One Foot Less Spooky
Disembodied feet keep washing up on the shores of British Columbia—which, despite the name, is apparently in Canada?—and everyone is in a tizzy. Four right feet have been discovered since last August in the Strait of Georgia (once again, still Canada) near Vancouver, all of them in sneakers. A left foot was found earlier this week. Another right foot was found yesterday, but it was apparently a hilarious hoax. Canadians are such kidders! Anyway, no one knows where all these feet are coming from. But "Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an expert on ocean currents, told The Sun a foot wearing a buoyant athletic shoe could float as far as 1,000 miles." Which is good to know! As always, authorities advise that you avoid amputees and Canadians.
Journalistic Perversity Continues
Canadian celebrity journalist Malcolm Gladwell got in a bit of trouble recently for telling an embellished story about sneaking a funny phrase into the Washington Post. Canadian less-famous journalist Clive Thompson recently received a minuscule amount of press for admitting that he's jealous of Gladwell. This, Clive, is not the healthiest way to work through those feelings: "These tools raise a fascinating, and queasy, new ethical question." [SilverJacket]
Canadian celebrity journalist Malcolm Gladwell got in a bit of trouble recently for telling an embellished story about sneaking a funny phrase into the Washington Post. Canadian less-famous journalist Clive Thompson recently received a minuscule amount of press for admitting that he's jealous of Gladwell. This, Clive, is not the healthiest way to work through those feelings: "These tools raise a fascinating, and queasy, new ethical question." [SilverJacket]
newspaper wars
'Times' Staffer Sez 'Journal's' New Publisher Is Secretly Editing
Remember the Howard Kurtz piece about how the New York Times and the Murdochifying Wall Street Journal have a little war going on, or something? As usual, Kurtz missed/buried the story. The Times refused to comment on bitchy things said by British-import Journal publisher Robert Thomson. But a "Timesman" apparently called up Toronto Life's Spectator blog to give his side. Huh. Maybe he thought his unauthorized comments wouldn't be noticed in a Canadian publication? "Whatever it says on the masthead, Thomson's the editor," Mystery Timesman reports. "He's moved his office next to the news floor." Murdoch will destory journalism!!! There's more off-the-record sniping and gloating, below. More »
broken borders
The Canadian Media Mafia
A story in Canada's National Post about how Canadian journo Clive Thompson is secretly jealous of more famous Canadian author Malcom Gladwell made brief mention of "a Canadian mafia of print journos that exists in the Manhattan magazine world." There are more Canucks in the New York media world than you might imagine, and nearly all of them hold positions of terrifying power. Do you know your Canadian Mafia members? Join us on a trip through Manhattan's dirty underbelly with the Molson-guzzling old time hockey aficionados who secretly run the media.More »
waterworld
Ice-Free Canada To Become Backdoor World Power!
A unified front of left-leaning ice-friendly countries, led by Russia and including Canada and Denmark, has begun to emerge from the once-frosty north. So far, they're just demanding the immediate return of all the ice they lost this summer. (This year, "six Californias" of open water appeared in the Arctic.) But what no one has asked is: Why do these fringey countries like ice so much? Is it because they have nothing else? Unfortunately, now that Canada's dollar is oddly similar to an actual dollar and a donut at any one of the 2,733 Canada-based Tim Horton's costs like four actual dollars, we must listen to their distress. But they are misguided! God's great plan for His world has at last granted Canada a Northwest Passage! Freed from this sad dependence on ice and misery, Canadian sea shipping lane dominance will turn Toronto into the new Tokyo, and Montreal into the new Seoul! Though Regina will still suck pretty bad.
tabloid culture
Maddox Jolie-Pitt Is A Victim Of Your Spiritual Emptiness
The parents of students at the Lycée Français de New York have had to be restrained by their own schmancy school, the Observer tells us; it seems they lose it a bit in the presence of new fellow parents Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The school's memo to parents: "Regretfully, I have seen some parents taking pictures, asking for autographs, talking to the media and even shouting at Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt for recognition." That is so uncouth! Everyone knows that New Yorkers are too cool to pay attention to celebrities. God, what is this, L.A.? Their poor child Maddox is apparently so troubled by Manhattanites' celebrity obsessions that when he and his fellow kindergartners were asked to bring in a picture of themselves, he started crying. Do you see what you terrible New Yorkers have done to him now, by forcing him into the limelight and also by selling those pictures of him to People magazine?
Zut Alors! Monsieur Maddox Jolie-Pitt Begins Kindergarten, And Lycée Parents Lose It
Canadian court rules Québécois too stupid to be expected to understand sweepstakes come-ons, fines Time Inc. $101,000. That's gonna buy a lot of poutine, eh, mes amis? [National Post]
canada
