Transport Minister John Baird named his cat "Thatcher" (ugh). The cat died. Baird texted his friends. And then the Canadian government began preparing a statement on the passing of former British PM Margaret Thatcher. Once they actually called Downing Street, though, they learned that Maggie was alive and healthy (Thatcher just recently received a fresh batch of the coal miner blood that she feasts on, you see).

Whoops! Silly Canadian government, when Margaret Thatcher actually dies, you'll know it from the audible drunken cheers you'll hear from across the Atlantic.

Mardsen's argument: Europeans should be better represented in the symbolism on display at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, because right now, the logo's some kind of Indian stone carving, and what'd those lazy bastards do but carve stone and get drunk on Scope while we, you know, built complete civilizations? Psh.

No, really. Other than the implied Scope thing, that's essentially what she wrote:

It's no coincidence that the best countries in the world are either European or founded by Europeans. Everywhere they go, European immigrants make things better – until they're asked to leave, at which point everything usually descends back into chaos. Not that they ever get any thanks for it.

She then defended herself after being called a racist, noting that she just wanted to have her cultural identity recognized on the logo! No harm, no foul! Also never recognized: the C-Grade Canadian versions of already mediocre inflammatory-for-the-sake-of personalities. We need to laud their efforts more often for contributing to the ability to put things in perspective. Like mediocre ethnocentrism. At least Michelle Malkin's funny-insane. You're just C-Grade Canadian boring.

It really is worth reading Torontoist's loving exposé of City Living, proof that success in the media can be found anywhere, anyhow. Maybe publisher and founder Patricia Binns was inspired by her very own self?

Charming of exquisite beauty, articulate, cultured, Patricia E. Binns created a magazine that would stay on coffee tables longer than any other and she named it City Living Magazine because it was devoted to all that was distinctive, beautiful and elegant.

Disturbing.

A researcher named Hans Larsson, who cites Jurassic Park as his inspiration, announced this week that he could soon to play God with Chicken genomes to create creatures with dino-like characteristics.

As we all know, dinosaurs and birds are closely related, so by pulling a DNA switcheroo, Larsson says, he can produce an army of prehistoric monsters. In an effort to lull humanity into a false sense of security, Larsson insists he doesn't have immediate plans to do so, because it would simply be too large an undertaking.

While the prospect of dinosaurs roaming the world is unsettling enough, consider where Larsson's getting the dough for his project: Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canada Research Chairs programme and National Geographic. Now, we don't want to tell the President how to do his job, but this should end.

Imagine if terrorists got their hands on the research! Osama bin Laden would be riding up and down Manhattan on a T-Rex and suicide Pterodactyls would be crashing from coast-to-coast. Something. Must. Be. Done.

First step: invent time machine. Second step: stop Jurassic Park's publication. Third step: live happily ever after.

Image via niznoz's flickr.

Reports the Scientific American:

"Cocaine is a powerfully addictive stimulant and one of the most commonly abused illicit drugs in the world," says chemist Yuegang Zuo of the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, who conducted the tests and presented the findings today at the biannual meeting of the American Chemical Society, which is taking place in Washington, D.C. That city ranked highest in the survey-95 percent of the sampled bills there bore cocaine contamination-along with Baltimore, Boston and Detroit. Salt Lake City had the lowest average levels of contamination.

Levels of cocaine ranged from .006 micrograms to more than 1,240 micrograms-the equivalent of 50 grains of sand-on U.S. bills, and $5, $10 and $20 bills on average carried more contamination than $1 or $100 bills.

Zuo, who believes that the amount of cocaine residue present in the currency of a geographic area is in direct correlation to that area's level of drug abuse (Makes sense!), and his associates found that Asian countries collectively appear to be the least fond of cocaine, while Canadians appear to be just as fond of it as Americans, though considerably sloppier in their usage of the drug, with some bills containing as much as 2,350 micrograms of the drug. This is undoubtedly because of general Canadian laziness created socialism — Americans who have to actually work to pay for their cocaine would never be so wasteful.

The creature was photographed by a Toronto resident named Jeffrey Freeman as it was rummaging around in his backyard. What could this hellish thing possibly be? Freeman thinks it's an opossum, but his boyfriend thinks it's a "freakish alopecia marsupial." Torontoist suggests that it may be a bald raccoon, something they say is increasingly common in their area. Whatever it is, it looks like a damn monster!

Here's another shot of it:





See the resemblance?





They're both monsters!

Local Creature Learns to Shave [Torontoist]

The General Services Administration contracted an expensive architecture firm to design a new border crossing station up in some godforsaken part of far northeastern New York State, as part of their "let's make government buildings look nice again like they did in the '30s" program. The centerpiece of the station design: "glossy yellow, 21-foot-high letters spelling 'United States.'" Sounds neat!

But because of 9/11, we cannot have nice things. Less than a month after the station opened, DHS began removing the fancy sign.

"There were security concerns," said Kelly Ivahnenko, a spokeswoman for the customs agency. "The sign could be a huge target and attract undue attention. Anything that would place our officers at risk we need to avoid."

Yes, right, of course. Terrorists aimlessly driving through rural Ontario may stumble across the border station, see the giant sign advertising what nation lies across the Saint Laurence River, and remember just how much they hate our freedom. Then they will blow up the sign, which is an internationally recognized symbol of American pride, as it is some letters spelling out the name of our country.

As Times architecture writer Nicolai Ouroussoff says:

In fact, the sign itself demands multiple readings. Unlike the Freedom Tower, whose name could be interpreted as a jingoistic expression of America's post-Sept. 11 arrogance, Smith-Miller & Hawkinson's "United States" sign is politically neutral. Its meaning is constantly changing for the viewer. It communicates openness and possibility, not aggression.

It is hard to see how values like those would make any building a target. They may even seem like something worth defending. They certainly put into question the thinking behind Customs and Border Protection's decision. It is as if the government is attuned to architecture's symbolic power, but unable to decipher its meanings.

Or it's as if the national security arm of our government is just kinda dumb?

1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

Last night we received the following email from a nice lady named Kim in Montreal:

Hey guys,
I have this boy on my facebook friends list! I sent Him an email too inform him about kodak, And sent kodak 3 emails with tons of informations
Im crossing my fingers Kodak really tries to contact him!
=)
I Better Win!
lolll

Since the young lad's Facebook profile was set to private and can only be viewed by his "friends," we asked Kim to send us some screengrabs of his Facebook page as proof, and she obliged. As you can see from the gallery below, which includes a pic of our boy with one of those little Jonas freaks, it looks as though we may have found the victim of Megan Fox's smoldering disdain, an 11 year-old Brit named Harvii.

Now hurry up and write Kim a check, Kodak! And Kim, you can give us our ten percent in Canadian dollars, or you can just buy us a round of drinks whenever you're in town. Whatever, we're easy.

He writes:

People make mistakes. I have made many in my life, but this past week I have made more than I can count on one hand.

I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this. I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I have been filled with incredible sadness and regret.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that's been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

Apologizing for me is not easy. Writing this was not easy. Life is not easy. But everything happens for a reason and I will take away a lot of valuable lessons from this experience.

Violence is never the answer. Never.

Victims should not be mocked.

The "F" word will never be uttered from my lips again. Just as others use the "N" word to insult and hurt - or as part of their everyday speech - I challenge them to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

Hindsight is always 20/20, they say. I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose - in a very misguided way - to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure and diress - handled the situation.

I am sorry.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community, to anyone who was hurt by my my choice of words, and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I have reached out to Isaiah Washington, someone I incorrectly labeled a homophobe in the past, despite his own public statements that he was not.

I will be donating any moneys collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,

Perez

Though Hilton's apology may be sincere, it's almost impossible not to view it with some skepticism. Valid questions to consider: Is he doing this out of fear that his "brand" is rapidly eroding because of his recent behavior? Or is this a contrived "good faith" gesture he hopes will ward off any possible criminal charges against him in Canada for violating section 319 of that country's criminal code, the one titled "Public Incitement of Hatred," punishable by up to two years in prison? The law, which would seem to cover Hilton's hurling of a violence-inciting gay slur at Will.I.Am, is described here by the CBC:

Section 319 deals with publicly stirring up or inciting hatred against an identifiable group based on colour, race, religion, ethnic origin or sexual orientation. It is illegal to communicate hatred in a public place by telephone, broadcast or through other audio or visual means. The same section protects people from being charged with a hate crime if their statements are truthful or the expression of a religious opinion.

The law (subparagraph 718.2(a)(i), to be specific) encourages judges to consider in sentencing whether the crime was motivated by hate of: the victim's race, national or ethnic origin, language, colour, religion, sex, age, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation or any other similar factor.

Further, here's how the Canadian Media Awareness Network breaks down this law:

The crime of "publicly inciting hatred" has four main elements. To contravene the Code, a person must:

* communicate statements,
* in a public place,
* incite hatred against an identifiable group,
* in such a way that there will likely be a breach of the peace.

Now, we're not sure if Canadian authorities are even considering any action against him, but wouldn't it be an interesting twist of fate if Perez Hilton were the person actually faced with doing jail time here?

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

I'm Sorry [Perez Hilton]

Picture on left: the original. Picture on right: the actual cover of Toronto's "Summer Fun Guide." The juxtaposition is just...yea. The city's spokesman responded to skeptical questioning like so:

"That's an interesting conversation," Mr. Sack said. "This does not look like a nondescript white family, it looks maybe Latino."

Well then.
[National Post via Adrants]

Judging by the voracity of some of the comments from Canadians in the post's thread, we sort of suspected that perhaps we'd touched on some raw, exposed collective Canadian nerve, but we'd no idea that we'd send Canadian journalists into hysterical fits of misplaced nationalism, as we did to Anne Kingston of Macleans magazine.

Governor General Michaëlle Jean is smart enough to know that gutting a freshly-killed seal and then eating a piece of its raw heart on the first day of her visit to Nunavut was likely to generate headlines. After all, how often are two such contentious Canadian bickering points-the seal hunt and the GG-served up in such a delectable package? So it was a surprise that the weirdest salvo came not from Canadian media but from south of the border. And brutish it was: "Meet Michëalle Jean, the Sarah Palin of Canada" read the headline on Gawker.com, a New York City-based media website known for its snark.

"Brutish," really? We thought that maybe we'd get a note from our editor saying that it was a million other things, but not "brutish." But hey, whatever.

Clearly there was no clue that likening the cosmopolitan GG with the Annie Oakley of the GOP is like comparing former governor general Adrienne Clarkson to Roseanne Barr. Or George Clooney to Tom Green.

What is most amusing about Gawker's bogus compare and contrast, though, is its blithe ignorance about the comedian-spewing country to its north-which is responsible for the stunning disparities between the two women. Jean, who fled Haiti with her family as a refugee at age 11, speaks fluent French, English, Spanish, Italian, and Haitian Creole. Palin, on the other hand, is most fluent in front of a teleprompter.

The most obvious similarity between the two women that Gawker failed to note is, ironically, at root of their greatest difference. Both Palin and Jean arrived on their national political stages as tokens. When named John McCain's VP running mate, Palin was touted as a brash political change agent-a promise decidedly unfulfilled. Yet Jean, literally a token figurehead with no political power, has stealthily become an agent for change-in suspending parliament, in forging alliances with the President and now expressing unambiguous support for sealers at a time when they're under cultural and economic assault. Just this month, the European Union banned their sale. Chewing bloody seal muscle (which Jean reported tastes "like sushi") won't win her friends among the European-or Canadian-chattering classes. Not that she can admit to political motive. When asked if the gesture was in solidarity with the Inuit hunters she was appropriately oblique: "Take from that what you will," she said. That would be Canadian for "You betcha!"

Now wait just a minute here Anne Kingston! You have every right to launch imbecilic rants in defense of your little communist utopia up there, but don't you dare go talking shit about Sarah Palin! Yeah, she's a complete and total nutjob, but she's OUR nutjob, okay? So back off!

Now, we reckon that it never dawned on Anne Kingston or any of the other offended Canadians that the post in question wasn't meant to be a serious analysis of the similarities between Palin and Jean, something we actually thought was rather thinly veiled, but was instead intended to be logically inappropriate in every possible way, thereby serving to not only bring attention to a truly ridiculous piece of political news from our neighbors to the north, but also to lampoon this country's blissful ignorance of all life outside of its borders at the same time. We suppose our expectations were set a wee bit too high. Point duly noted. We're also sure that an argument can be made for us offering an apology for hurting your delicate feelings Canada, but we're absolutely not going to do that.

However, we will say this—-Canada, some of us really have a deep respect and admiration for you and your people (Hell, some of our ancestors have been traced back to Nova Scotia!), but please do us all a favor and get your big, salmon-eating heads out of your asses, and lighten the hell up.

Michaelle Jean is Canada's Sarah Palin. Really? [Macleans]

The Washington Times reports that Bush is going to have a little sit-down talk, up in Toronto, with Bill Clinton. They will both make lots and lots of money for this, of course, but why in Canada? So that no one down here would notice, or care? And what is this about:

The event will be only the second appearance by Mr. Bush since leaving office; his first was also in Canada, in Calgary.

Has anyone seen Bush in America, recently? No. So either he fled or he's been permanently banished. Either way, why are we still stuck with Cheney and Rove? WHY?

Jean, a Haitian refugee who fled to Canada in 1968, bears a slight physical resemblance to America's own Sarah Palin, as evidenced by the accompanying photo of her sitting on a throne sporting fashionable eyeglasses and gaudy patriotism "flair" on her lapel, and shares a few other similarities with the Alaskan Governor as well—-According to her Wikipedia page, Jean started out professionally as a journalist, just like Sarah Palin! Further, they both hold the title of Governor over frozen states. Sarah Palin likes to decorate her office with dead animals and shoots wolves from helicopters, while Jean, clearly the more badass of the two, prefers to butcher seals and eat their hearts in front of hundreds of onlookers:

Michaelle Jean, the Queen's representative to the country, did it as a gesture of solidarity with the country's beleaguered seal hunters, the reports said, adding that Jean expressed dismay that people would call the traditional hunting practices inhumane.

After eating the heart during a stop in Nunavut's Rankin Inlet, Jean wiped her blood-soaked fingers with a tissue.

Well, at least she's sanitary!

Now, the question on everyone's mind has to be, "How will Sarah Palin top this one?" Maybe she can take down a polar bear to eat its heart AND its liver? She's got to do something, because as it stands now, it appears as though Canada is easily winning the "Who has the kookiest female Governor" sweepstakes, and couple that with the fact that they have health care for all their citizens, and it becomes increasingly clear that America is nothing more than Canada's bitch.

Governor General Eats Raw Seal Heart to Support Hunters [Ottawa Citizen]

The Canadian Tourism is bringing the Olympic sport of curling to Bryant Park to expose New Yorkers to the excitement of the competitive game – and one lucky contestant will walk away with the keys to a new car, a $500 gas card and a seven-night hotel stay in Canada (all of the elements needed for an unforgettable drive vacation to Canada)!Details below:

WHAT: New Yorkers are invited to attempt their curling skills on the ice of the Pond at Bryant Park…for a chance to win a new car and a road trip to Canada.

WHEN: Wednesday, Dec. 17 from 12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

WHERE: The Pond at Bryant Park’s ice rink (between 40th and 42nd Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenues)

WHY: There’s more action on the ice this winter than figure skaters and hockey players. Curling is a winter sport that’s extremely popular in Canada and now New Yorkers will have the opportunity to try it out, right in Bryant Park.

HOW: Each participant will get a turn to send the curling “rock” (an official curling stone made of granite) across the ice. Canadian curling expert Brad Gushue will be on hand to demonstrate the proper technique and answer any questions about the sport.

"Who is even here worth talking to anyway?" she was overheard saying in front of a lineup that included national bigwigs Entertainment Tonight Canada and eTalk.

She somehow managed to cram all of that ego backstage, where she waved off the media room. "I try to f—king avoid all that sh-t," she was heard saying. She must have been all blabbed out from that People magazine feature, where she denied being difficult to work with, partying too much, and having an eating disorder. She certainly put the latter rumour to rest. "She demanded to know where her dinner was," a source says.

One wave of a handler's hand and Grimes's dinner had almost magically appeared—but the nascent diva flipped over the plate of Tim Hortons Timbits smothered in brown gravy as if it were the most disgusting thing she had ever seen. There's no pleasing some girls.

• Shenae Too Big For Canada [celebedge.sympatico.msn.ca]