It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?
According to a new poll, here are a list of qualities that would convince Americans not to vote for a candidate, from least to most offensive: used marijuana; is gay or lesbian; in their 70s; had an extramarital affair; has never held office; is an atheist.
Jake Burris, campaign manager for Arkansas 3rd District congressional candidate Ken Aden, returned home with his family last night and found their cat lying dead on the front porch with "LIBERAL"scrawled across its side. The cat, according to Aden's campaign, "had one side of its head bashed in to the point the cat's…
Newt Gingrich is going to win the South Carolina presidential primary tomorrow. Not just because he yelled at two debate moderators for asking him debate questions this week, which brought him up about 20 percentage points in the polls. That wasn't enough to close the deal. But now that television survivalist Chuck…
It's a tearful day in the world of cosmopolitan magazines and television studios, as the infamously sane Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race, due to a near-total void of interest in his campaign among Republican primary voters. How did this relatively competent-seeming person…
Newt Gingrich never got to complete his political career. He only lasted as Speaker of the House, a job he'd successfully wrangled after plotting his path for a psychotic 14 years, for a couple of terms, the latter half of which he spent as an incompetent figurehead. He was reprimanded and fined for ethics violations…
Adorable Texas bigot Rick Perry quickly decamped to the forests of his home state last night to "reassess" his campaign, which is usually what you'd say when you're dropping out but need a couple of days to raise cash and pay off the bills. But Rick Perry is clearly too insane to concentrate on such things for more…
Well here we are, first voting night of the presidential season, and CNN is already completely insane, playing with ludicrous pastel penis holograms while Wolf Blitzer meanders around looking for some anxious correspondent to appear on a garish outer space screen and say nothing. Only in Iowa!...?? Let's get this over…
The Gawker Political Desk will be covering the returns from Iowa tonight starting around 7:30 or 8. (Bad things happen if you start watching CNN's 80-person floppy muppet panel too early.) Pray to Allah for a Romney third-place finish!
Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he …
Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He…
Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the…
Hot out of the inbox, from Friends of Christine O'Donnell: "Christine O'Donnell to announce her 2012 GOP Presidential Endorsement tonight." The famed Delawarean anti-onanist will announce this on one of those cable television shows. Sorry to whoever gets endorsed!
After every Republican presidential candidate except Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum dropped out of his debate, chronic mango-lacquered television ailment Donald Trump has decided to drop the whole thing. But "near-total lack of interest from the invitees," you won't be surprised to learn, is not the reason he gives.…
Thrice-married serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has "endorsed" Iowa's marriage pledge, meaning he has to stop cheating on whoever his wife is now. That's quite a sacrifice. (Update: He left himself some wriggle room, naturally, and didn't technically "sign" it.)
Ron Paul's got it made. While Mitt Romney is struggling to save his pretty-boy campaign, and Newt Gingrich is trying to clarify what "going negative" means, Paul is releasing these long, futuristic ads beating the dickens out of everyone (in this case, Gingrich).
Time for your daily dose of Giving Donald Trump Any Kind of Publicity! Today: The shrieking mudbuttface's precious little debate is in tatters. Michele Bachmann has turned him down, setting the final roster of participants at Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum. Or some…
It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt!…
The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand…
It turns out that Newt Gingrich has been annoying the public with his many trillion half-baked ideas — remember that he is, fundamentally, an Ideas Man, in the fundamental sense — since 1954. He was an 11-year-old boy, and he and his "buddies" had a grand vision: to throw some animals in a park and call it a zoo.
