No, really. Yesterday, there was this tiny item buried in the New York Post. Maybe they wanted to be nice to a publicist? Or maybe because this kind of thing was too ghoulish even for Halloween.

Michael Jackson's dad thinks the singer is "worth more dead than when he was alive." Joe Jackson, 80, let that slip last night in an interview on the syndicated TV show "Extra." Jackson — decked out in creepy sunglasses and a blinged-out, black, chalk-stripe suit — quickly recognized his gaffe and blurted out, "I'd rather have him alive."

One hell of a necrophiliac Freudian slip, right? Extra has the item up on their site, but no video, yet: again, wonder why. Meanwhile, when the early week's numbers for This Is It aren't being praised/castigated/positioned both ways by Nikki Finke, the movie's been predicted by Box Office Guru to possibly - maybe - break the $20M mark by the end of the weekend, which is short of the earlier predicted $30M mark.

Whether or not it's "impressive" or a "disappointment," however? Meh. Leave it to studios and math geeks. All that matters is that Joe Jackson sees dollah dollah bills, y'all. Which means Jackson is a star yet again. Give this man awards, Al Sharpton! Abusive in life, abusive in death. Parents won't stop being embarrassing until the universe just flat-out ends.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin/Garry Sun.]

We found Fred Carter via Craigslist, where he was selling 12 tickets to tonight's Yankees/Phillies World Series game for $450 a pop. He quickly corrected our correspondent when asked about his work as a "ticket scalper". "Ticket broker," he said. Whatever. Carter says he has been a professional broker of tickets since the 1980 Olympics in Lake Placid, NY. He was on a business trip when reached today by phone, and the call was constantly interrupted on his end by "moochers"—which we're pretty sure is what he calls his clients. Following are excerpts from our conversation. It should be proof enough, if more proof is needed, that ticket scalping is the purest form of free-market capitalism.

On Susan Finkelstein, the woman arrested for allegedly offering sex for world series tickets:

Every one of those cops should be fired on the spot. If they're such pussies that they can't go into a neighborhood where people are shooting and killing each other and have to waste their time on some woman who's trying to fuck her way into the World Series, they should be fired. They should be fired and maybe prosecuted. They just spent a lot of money on nothing.

On New Yorkers:

I never realized that New Yorkers were such weather pussies before. They really pussed out for the Saturday night game against the Angels, and they pussed out again last night. Ticket prices got better as the rain started to let up, though.

On Californians:

"Californians are such weather pussies. If it's raining people stay home and you can sell a 49ers ticket for like 45 bucks.

On yesterday's World Series game:

Yesterday was the cheapest world series game I've ever seen. There may have been cheaper ones—but certainly since the strike I haven't seen one like this for years.

On ticket scalping strategy:

You gotta take a chance; you gotta take a risk. There's no sure things. You try to work out—using your vast and extensive brain-lodged database of knowledge and intuition—your risk-reward ratio. To that end, for example, we have Yankees tickets but we don't have Mets tickets.

On Eliot Spitzer:

The greatest player in the ticket game in New York was Governor Spitzer. He and some assemblymen from upstate New York, they got a bill passed and now there's a free market on tickets. Very, very worthwhile and useful piece of legislation.

On Journalists:

You can set your price at $800 on Craigslist and there's always some idiot journalist who will say, "Tickets are going for $800!"

On Industriousness:

Three of these guys that I know—two of them in New York, one in San Francisco—they go around with their six or seven year-old son: "Oh, can you help us out—we're just trying to go in!" He picks up tickets really, really cheap. People take pity on him. Next thing you know, there's the kid playing over there in a coffee shop while Dad's selling the tickets he got for three times what he paid. Now, that's just industriousness. But of course if the child labor people found out about this...

On concerts:

Sometimes when you work at concerts you sometimes get girls who shake their tits at you. They nestle up to you and say "You can do me a little favor, can't you?" They want some $100 ticket for 30 bucks. I say to them: "I don't think you would get that for 30 bucks if you were naked with knee pads on." And that usually insults them. But I'm like, you were the one trying to be a whore in the first place.

Look for Frank Carter at a Pearl Jam concert, NFL Game or motivational speaking engagement near you.

When you wake up in the morning and see a story about how Wall Street is all set to pay its employees $140 billion this year, which is more than ever before, the first thing you do is run check the calendar to make sure that the year you think it is is the year it actually is, because that story could lead one to believe that it is, in fact, a different year than you had suspected. The second thing you do is mentally review whether you took any drugs last night, and if so, how many and what type, and what sorts of hallucinations they could produce, in terms of visualizations of newspaper headlines. The third thing you do is look around your $56.5 million apartment, slap yourself, and say "Goddamn it's good to work on Wall Street!" The fourth thing you do is let yourself out quietly, because you don't actually own that apartment, and your presence there probably has something to do with all the drugs, but you're not sure what.

None of which is meant to obscure the fact that we're finally getting our national priorities back in order. We're keeping regular working-class people in their jobs, but we're finally cutting their outsized pay down to size—more pay cuts than there have been since the Great Depression. And for those workers who pay we can't cut, by law? We're lowering the god damn minimum wage. Take that, fiscal profligacy.

Real Americans appreciate this Thrift Encouragement Initiative, from the private sector. Getting our vast system of class-based income stratification back in order won't be accomplished by lazy government bureaucrats with fancy Harvard degrees; it'll be accomplished by hardworking small businesspersons like Wall Street CEOs taking their fair share. Even you can play a part. Stab your fellow American to prevent them from buying football tickets before you. It'll make you feel better. It'll stimulate the health care and corrections industries. And it'll send a strong signal to Wall Street: We, the lower classes, are "Keeping our eyes on the ball," so to speak. Carry on!
[Pic via]

Companies these days love to sell you their crap by assuring you that simply by purchasing their crap you are not just purchasing crap—you are actually doing good. In fact, if you don't purchase their crap, you likely suffer from a severe moral defect. Furthermore, your mundane purchasing choices are now decisions of great moral import. And they define who you are, as a person. Do you buy your mutt Pedigree® brand dog food, to support pet adoption? Or Milk Bone® brand dog snacks, to give canine companions to people in wheelchairs? If you're a good person, buy both! How can you spurn either cause by failing to buy the associated consumer product? Both of them are so fucking good.

Failing to purchase Milk Bones is tantamount to walking (jerk) right up to this wheelchair-bound man and killing his dog. Failing to buy Dawn dish soap is no different from hunting down a snow white baby seal, dousing him in crude oil, and shooting anyone who tries to clean off his soft, beautiful fur.

These companies are not fucking around any more, America. They have brought out the baby seals. That means no marketing tactic is too mawkish; no advertising icon is too cliched; no leap of logic is too grand. We must warn you, the consumer: This slope is as slippery as the grease-soaked coat of an otter in Valdez. Want to help some good cause? Buy the fucking store brand. Save money. Give that money to charity. You give these companies one nickel and we'll all be seeing baby seal logos on every fucking thing until we just throw up.

[Also, America? Stop buying those "Herbal Remedies." They're fake. God. ]

I mean christ, New York's bohos did not all move en masse to Cobble Hill and Boerum Hill just to see those communities overrun with generic chain store crapola. They're starting their very own community-based chains. One of which is called "Area," just to highlight the "Ripped from the pages of The Onion" aspect of this phenomenon. The following grassroots, homegrown, neighborhood businesses are mentioned in the NYT story on this trend:

"Over here, it is a day spa. Over there, a children's clothing shop. Down a ways, a toy store...a masseuse turned entrepreneur...a yoga studio...Patois, a bistro...a quirky mix of hangouts...two restaurants in Carroll Gardens, Frankies Spuntino and Prime Meats, and a coffeehouse, Cafe Pedlar...cheese-and-charcuterie store Stinky Bklyn, a wine bar, the JakeWalk, and a wine shop, Smith & Vine...the home furnishings shop Environment 337...a boutique, Retrospect...the bistro Provence en Boite and a nearby bed-and-breakfast, Les Sudistes...Sweet Melissa bakery-restaurants...children's clothing shops in Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope and Williamsburg...Delightful Coffee Shop in Red Hook...the Smith Street brewpub Bar Great Harry...a beer garden, Mission Dolores."

Lest Smith Street get a Rite Aid or some shit.
[Pic: Flickr]

Allison Viva, president of "adult entertainment studio Pink Visual," woke up this morning thinking that the Gingrich PAC "American Solutions For Winning the Future" was rewarding her for her impressive business acumen and American can-do spirit. Then someone from the PAC called her up and told her that she would not actually get to enjoy a private dinner at the Capitol Club with the former majority leader himself. Sad!

According to the notice from ASWF, should Vivas attend a private dinner scheduled to occur Oct. 7 at the historic Capitol Hill Club, she will "dine privately with Newt," who will then take the occasion to present Vivas with her "well deserved award" and pose for a photo with her.

The notice from ASWF also informed Vivas that Gingrich is "looking forward to finally meeting [Vivas] face to face – and get[ting] your thoughts on Cap and Trade and Obama's Tax Policy."

Vivas expressed her intention to use the occasion as a chance to educate the former Speaker about issues pertinent to her industry.

Yes, right, that's what everyone said, and so on.

Those of you with iPhones can now track swine flu outbreaks with a new application, ingeniously entitled "Outbreaks Near Me." But, wait! There's more: there are flu-related games. Because when you're in an outbreak of the dreaded H1N1, you'll need a distraction.

Of course, not everyone has iPhones. So, for those of you poor schmucks who don't, King County, in Seattle, has been distributing a new comic book to inform readers of flu epidemics past and present. It's filled with useful tips, like how to cover your mouth when you sneeze and information on the delicate process of washing one's hands. Thanks, Seattle!

Meanwhile, for the rug rats, the government has teamed with Sesame Street to get the word out on all the contagious craziness. Of the partnership, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says:

We are thrilled to partner with Elmo, Gordon, and Sesame Workshop again to emphasize the steps kids and their parents can take to stay happy and healthy this school year.

Watch for Big Bird and the rest of the gang to tackle bed bugs next.

This wouldn't be America if some enterprising company weren't trying to capitalize on swine flu, which explains why Delaware-based GIANTmicrobes has come out with a stuffed toy that's meant to look like the infectious disease. God bless.

The Washington Post speaks to the visionary inventor of the togafied Wearable Towel (which we introduced to you way back in May—theft??), who is under the impression that he can somehow defeat the Snuggie-Slanket superpowers. Which, let's be honest, can only lead to the sartorial equivalent of the Falkland Islands invasion, if he keeps running his big mouth. But you will be happy to know that at least he has attractive family members:

"My brother Ari — " also a star of Bravo's reality series "Miami Social." Heard of him? No? " — he does the Wearable Towel fashion shows," Stein says. "My sister, she was just in a Budweiser commercial," and that's her in the Wearable Towel commercial, gently drying her baby by dabbing it against the Wearable Towel she is draped in.

Pornography of his own sister and her child, in pursuit of Snuggie War victory. Where does it end, Mr. President?

Well apparently now that times are a bit less flush, and they're starting to enforce some of those laws that used to not apply to Brits and Americans and Germans and Australians. "It's all a bit scary," one would-be exploiter says to the Washington Post.. Did you know they're locking up bankers? Bankers!

Among those who have been locked up are a JPMorgan investment banker; American, British and other foreign property developers; a German yachtmaker; and two Australians who worked as senior executives of what was to be the world's largest waterfront development. The gigantic project had been launched by Nakheel, the crisis-battered property arm of Dubai World and builder of Dubai's signature palm-tree-shaped resort islands.

You're arrested for writing one bad check, and suddenly you're being locked up without charges and tortured for months. Crazy!

See as long as the repressive theocratic sheikdom let Dubai be run like Vegas, no one gave a shit that it was, uh, a repressive theocratic sheikdom. Washington followed it's usual "democracy's ok, but if you can manage capitalism without it than more power to you, brother" line. Turns out luxury hotels do not inexorably lead toward freedom! Though the various shanghaied sex workers and menial laborers could've maybe explained that back when it looked like things were just fine.

The North Korean page on the CafePress site is run by an organization called the "Korean Friendship Association," which states on its website that it "has full recognition from the Government of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea and is the world-wide leading organization of its supporters." This statement seems all the more true when considering that the Korean Friendship Association's web address is housed by North Korea's official website, which states:

Since 2000, this webpage has been the primary site for the country, including the main source of information about activities lead by the KFA for promoting international ties of friendship such travels to the country, exhibitions, conferences, various cultural events and undertakings. Nowadays it receives an average of 4 million hits per month.

When taking into consideration that the United States government strictly prohibits trade with North Korea or any kind, it would seem as though CafePress, a California-based company that produces and sells user-designed merchandise on the web, could be in violation of some pretty serious federal statutes for a) producing the items sold on its site on behalf of North Korea, and b) for sending regular payments to an arm of the North Korean government as compensation for the items sold on the site, something Walker inquired with CafePress' spokesman about.

"The company's PR Director Marc Cowlin wrote us an email saying 'I can confirm that checks are not sent to North Korea or any government agency.'"

Well that settles it! We're sure that the families of people like Laura Ling and Eula Lee will be relieved to hear that the CafePress royalty checks aren't made out directly to Kim Jong Il and sent to a P.O. box in Pyongyang. However, we're pretty sure that the United States Government might have something to say about it before it's all said and done. Maybe.

Kim Jong Il's CafePress Shop [Webnewser]
Korean Friendship Association [KFA]
The Official Webpage Of North Korea [Korea-Dpr]

Video #1 relates to the tip: "Don't mention your spouse's job." Particularly if it involves imaginary creatures.


And Video #2 relates to the tip: "Don't babble." We might also add, "Put down your fucking iced tea."
Luckily for these job hunters the job in question didn't actually exist! So all they lost was their time and dignity. Whew. [How to Nail an Interview]

Media trend story experts have discovered that crippling economic insecurity causes people anxiety, which results in an uptick in visits to psychiatrists and yoga studios, thereby boosting the economy and demonstrating the perfection of capitalism, in a reassuring way.

Another positive development: Americans always have a fallback career waiting for them—hot dog sales. Frankfurters for $1 are the "Apples for a nickel" of this new depression! Former professionals are reportedly moving into this dynamic food distribution industry in droves, boosting the sales of both Hot Dog carts and cardiopulmonary care, and putting a smile on the faces of poor children everywhere, who can dream of one day being able to purchase a wiener of their very own.

The government is pitching in to help as well. In LA, the county supervisors have graciously agreed to forgo their years-long practice of having a worker buy bottled water, peel off the labels, print new labels with the LA county logo, affix these new labels to the water bottles, and distribute them to supervisors to drink during meetings. Now they'll just drink water out of cups. Shared sacrifice will pull us through.

And if, despite all these opportunities for financial growth, you can't seem to find prosperity, don't feel bad. Neither can Warren Buffett.

The agents who handle foreclosures for banks are doing great. They're lounging around a fancy conference in Palm Desert in beach gear, which makes for fabulous color for the New York Times reporter there.

This, you see, proves that capitalism works. The profits flowing into the foreclosure industry will offset, for example, the profits flowing out of the auto industry. Who needs a car when they can't even pay their mortgage, anyhow? Efficiency. Economics is all about re-allocating capital to where it can be used most effectively. So while towns in Michigan are facing such bleak times that even the mayor is saying "There isn't any light at the end of the tunnel right now," other places in our interconnected global economy are doing just fine: North Korean missile repair depots! Baghdad car bomb manufacturers! Extortionate health insurance providers! And, of course, Somali pirates!

This is what the liberal media always 'forgets' to print: capitalism is a perfect system. When one thing dies, another comes into glorious being. The buggy industry crumbled; automobiles rose. Railroads crumbled; Airlines rose. Newspapers are crumbling; somebody else is probably making money on journalism somewhere, somehow, instead (Romenesko?). So all you Marxist Chomskies out there, save your cries about how greedy bankers have gone and destroyed America's institutions with wild overleveraging and irresponsible risk management. Consider the balance factor, will you? Out: jobs. In: gun nuttery, everywhere.
[Pic via]

Lol corporatism: Siemens, the biggest electronics company in the world, is a modern global engineering conglomerate that makes billions of dollar every year and employs half a million people. In the 1930s of course as a giant German engineering firm they had to go along to get along through funding the Nazi party, secretly rearming Germany, and employing slave labor from concentration camp residents to build mechanical switches. Now in this wonderful modern era they are bigger and better than ever before, and to remain competitive in this global marketplace, they had an annual bribery budget of $50 million for greasing the palms of corrupt officials in Nigeria, Russia, Liberia, and anywhere else where it'd help win a lucrative contract for their telecommunications unit.

Fifty years after WWII, Siemans gave their slave laborers $12 million in apology money. Last week, three years after the Siemans bribery case was opened, the company paid $1.6 billion in fines. (Justice is faster when your crimes pissed off other multinational telecommunications contractors that set aside less cash for bribery.)

But at least, in their own way, they made amends to the Jewish community: "In Israel, the company provided $20 million to senior government officials to build power plants."

Anyways the company pleaded guilty to "accounting violations" here in the US, because if they'd actually pleaded guilty to the bribery everyone acknowledges they engaged in they would no longer be allowed to bid on US government contracts, and for some fucking reason the Justice Department wanted to make sure Siemens could continue to bid on US government contracts even though they're guilty of bribery.

Of course this sort of institutionalized corporate bribery, leading as it usually does to strengthening corrupt repressive regimes and overcharging developing nations for essential services, was not even illegal in Germany until like 1999.

This is all from the quite good New York Times piece on the history of the bribery. The piece also represents the future of investigative journalism, because it's a joint report from the Times, PBS's Frontline, and ProPublica, the non-profit investigative journalism organization that will be the last newsroom left in the world willing to pay people to do this sort of story, because Jeff Jarvis told all the newspapers to "create good hyperlocal networks."

From the Adbusters press release:

“If you dig a little past the surface you’ll see that this financial meltdown is not about liquidity, toxic derivatives or unregulated markets, it’s really about culture,” says the co-founder of Adbusters Media Foundation, Kalle Lasn. “It’s our culture of excess and meaningless consumption — the glorified spending and borrowing of the past decade that’s at the root of the crisis we now find ourselves in.”

This economic meltdown is absolutely perfect for Adbusters, PR-wise. So if you haven't bought anything today, don't start! If you've bought something already, forget it, you're a useless and shameful capitalist. In six months none of us will be able to buy anything even if we want to. So enjoy having the option!

The food cart guy knows that whispers like the ones he hears outside are self-fulfilling prophecies in an irrational era like the modern ones, so he's shutting off the coffee spigot to reporters descending on the area to cover the Lehman crisis! You gotta wonder why he cares though.

I mean, sure the impending layoffs at Lehman will have some "trickle-down" effect. But in lean times won't a larger percentage of bankers be eating from the food cart in lieu of whatever fancy hotels they've been patronizing on the company dime? Ha ha ha, or maybe that's just how I wish "lean times" worked at publicly traded companies. In any case I have another theory: the food cart guy is trying to buy Lehman Brothers. Sure 24,000 employees is a little ambitious, but Lehman stock is off 93% and at least you can read the food cart's balance sheet.

Or maybe the food cart guy is just a decent guy.

Photo Of The Day [Portfolio]
Credit Crisis Strains Government's Options [WSJ]

There were many annoyed Time Incers today after learning that People Magazine sent over 300 people to the Bahamas for 3 days while lay offs continue, economy is shaky and Time Inc has a hiring freeze. Many would have preferred they spend the money for a company vacation, on the employees working double since Time Inc wont spend money on needed back up. Instead hiring freelancers, consultants and temps who dont need health care etc. Dancing with the Stars were flown out, Roger Daltry played (for those who dont know who he is, you are not alone) , a youtube singer bored them, they had massages, went to clubs, played golf and ate well. Nice message to Wall Street not to mention the other titles denied sales meetings.

PêchePlatinum uses PêcheBlu's patent pending ultra-sports shoe base with hand-matched crocodile straps for magnificent comfort. These ultimate flip flops are for those who want to express their individuality in a world of mass production.

Who wants to be seen as just another schlub wearing mass-produced flip-flops? "Our customers wanted more flip flop luxury and crocodile worked perfectly to add quiet elegance, which is the essence of our footwear," said the company's CEO, hilariously.

And here they are, in all their glory. They cost $400. Please email us if you spot these on the streets: