Gawker
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advice
Recent J-School Grad Cries to Cary Tennis
Salon's Cary Tennis is a clinically insane advice columnist. Lately he's been hearing from recent graduates whining about the job market (Remember the Harvard grad who couldn't hold a fast-food gig?) Today it's an ice cream-slingling J-school grad. More »
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Comment by anibundel: Does it mean I'm officially over 30 that my reaction to this letter was "suck it up and get a... 6 Responses | Other threads
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advice
Sad Young Literary Man Seeks Advice From Cary Tennis
Today's question for incomprehensible Salon advice-giver Cary Tennis comes from someone who writes "I am 25 AND I HAVE A HARVARD DEGREE!" So what is the problem? More »
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By PareeneComment by fwah-mawvaze: Harsh, yo. This dude has a huge pile of ish. Luxuriating in self-pity and a miffed sense of offended entitlement (while... 18 Responses | Other threads
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cary tennis
'My Favorite Part is Where he Says he's Mildly Attracted to his Cousin.'
Cary Tennis: "I like to try new things. It means that often I do not finish old things. I have another thing wrong with me, too. Sometimes I don't like to try new things." What? More »
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Comment by hallsoats: I rather of enjoy the fact that Cary is consistently batshit insane. It's the kind of comforting constant I... 4 Responses | Other threads
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advice
In This Economy, Is It Wrong to Spend Money?
Salon's Cary Tennis and Slate's Prudence both hand out advice. Today, they happened to answer the same letter from a guy conflicted about spending his inheritance from grandma. Let's compare and contrast their responses. More »
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Comment by skahammer: Team Deep Dive. I continue to insist that with his approach to the advice column, Cary Tennis is at least... 4 Responses | Other threads
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Old Favorites
"Dear [crazy Salon advice-giver] Cary [Tennis], I am a college journalism professor." Guaranteed winner.
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Out-of-Context news
'It Would Certainly Inflict Pain'
"What about the physical effects of hot-sauce-laced sperm in a woman's vagina?...if thousands or millions of totally uninformed young men go around putting hot sauce in condoms, who is to blame?" [Cary Tennis, naturally]
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Comment by AKAuser: If the hot sauce is in the condom, how does it get into the vagina? 9 Responses | Other threads
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cary tennis
Looking For Advice in All the Wrong Places
Some prolix young woman wants to know, "How do I stop being a know-it-all?" But this poor, foolish girl went looking for answers from Salon's cheese-and-nutball advice columnist Cary Tennis. A professional know-it-all! More »
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Comment by Carmine A Ramdeer: I've tried Jezebel's advice column a few times but their answer to everything is to cut off the guy's weenie... 10 Responses | Other threads
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crazies
Facebook Friends: 'A Monumental Decision'
Quiz: Some people you knew back in your hometown send you friend requests on Facebook. You don't really like them. Do you A) accept requests, B) deny requests, C) have an existential crisis? More »
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Comment by berbar: I accept the request and after a day, I proceed to delete such "friend". 8 Responses | Other threads
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cary tennis
"Should I tell my boyfriend's wife about our affair?"
Cary Tennis, professional adviser: "Right now I'm just thinking stuff and don't know why. What I'm thinking is, hell, yes, you should tell her. I don't know why and I don't really even care why, it's just what I think." [Salon]
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Comment by MercuryPDX: You're going to be all messed up emotionally about this but try to resist the drama. The very same drama she's... more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
Cary Tennis
"Also, the dolphin represents to you not just your link to our ancestors in the sea but your wishes for your own penis, a penis that wants to swim in public and be displayed, that wants to jump through fiery hoops to the applause of mothers and fathers and children alike." [Salon]
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Comment by winniemc: Lesbians have been hip to this for years, people. Just take a trip to your local sex toy shop (sorry,... more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
Girl: 'Should I Move Home?' Cary Tennis: 'I am a child of Florida's warm, wet indolence'
Salon's clinically insane advice columnist Cary Tennis today gets the chance to respond to the most stereotypical post-college question imaginable. A 24-year-old girl moved to LA to get into the film industry, found out it was shady, and got bummed out. Now she can't decide whether to move home to Florida and save up some money, or go backpacking across Thailand on a spiritual journey. We've all been there! Ann Landers gets 46 letters identical to this every week. So how does our friend Cary handle this easy setup? With his trademark brand of scary, dissociated ramblings indicative of an advanced case of schizophrenia or excessive mescaline use: More »
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Comment by Zombosa: Wow...there is just so much to love right here. The chunky yogurt for cats ...bold, cheesy unctuousness ...roux. Ah, I love... more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
"Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck it all," Says Advice Columnist
Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind: More »
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Comment by Smirk: I think Cary writes porn movies on the side and his night job started to spill into his day job...just... more » | Other threads
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angst
Advice
Sometimes I miss print. At least then, there were space constraints. The internet knows no editing. Today on Salon, constantly wrong-headed advice columnst Cary Tennis fields a 1,300 word question from a melancholy Ivy League student whose primary problem is that she's kinda homesick and no one pays any attention to her in her huge faceless elite East Coast school. She misses misses the West Coast! She doesn't even want to go into publishing anymore! Also, roommate drama! Tennis's advice: exercise. Yes, YouTube is great, but this column wouldn't have happened in the pre-Web world. [Salon]
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By rebeccaComment by BettyCrocker: @CopyofBlueboy: It's the thought that counts. more » | Other threads
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arts & crafts
Cary Tennis Finally Offers Interesting Advice
"So do this: Take out a sheet of paper and draw two intersecting circles. On one side draw a penis and on the other side draw a vagina. In the intersection put the penis and the vagina." More » -
advice
Unchecked Cary Tennis Continues Slide Towards Madness
When we last checked in on Salon's crazy columnist Cary Tennis, he was angrily telling all his online critics to leave him alone. And he hasn't heard anything from us since! Unfortunately, outside criticism was the only thing keeping Cary tethered to reality. Its absence has him backsliding, as evidenced by his response yesterday to a rich guy asking if he should leave the suburbs because he hates it, even though he has a new, expensive house. What about the commuting situation, and the volatile housing market,and his wife's career? So many factors to consider. Is he being rash? And Cary Tennis replied: Why not move to my imaginary Fantasy Land, instead? More »
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Comment by famousauthor: He sounds like a real Britney Spears in the making. more » | Other threads
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no one asked
Leave Cary Tennis Alone!
Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis uses today's column to respond to his numerous vitriolic online critics. To sum up, people who criticize him are stupid and mean and when they die no one will care. "Perhaps they are accustomed to owning the world and naming the chairs. They see a person sitting in the advice giver's chair who is not doing it the way it has always been done, and they are infuriated, and they believe that they own that chair and they know who should be sitting there. It's as if they want to call the club membership to a vote." Also making fun of Cary reinforces the class system! Seriously, someone needs to explain what he's actually going on about here. We lost him a couple paragraphs before "Lack of self-knowledge is truly a luxury of the self-absorbed." Stop naming the chairs! [Salon]
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By PareeneComment by isobelagain: After reading this in the NY Times: ""THE ideal Gawker item," Nick Denton, the owner of Gawker Media, wrote in an... more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
Why Won't Cary Tennis Disappear Already?
Salon's advice guy Cary Tennis has never, to our knowledge, actually given good advice. It's almost as if people write to him so as to know what paths to avoid. But seriously, Jan. 9th letter is too something to something. Title: My molester financed my college education. Now I'm depressed and suicidal and very few people know. The letter was signed, "Three O'Clock in the Morning All the Time." Well! TOCITMALT, rest assured your biggest problem isn't molestation or suicide. It's that your writing to Cary Fuckin' Tennis for advice! Come on now! This is the man who once advised a woman who wanted a witty man thusly: "Keep in mind that basically you want a kid and you want some wit. You want some wit and you want a kid. Wit. Kid. Wit. Kid." Um, that doesn't mean anything at all. Also, neither does Cary's Advice to TOCITMALT.
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By Joshua SteinComment by veraikon: So if Cary is crap, who are we supposed to ask for advice? A Gawker advice columnist? Oh wait... more » | Other threads
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bad advice
One week apart, Slate's Dear Prudence and Salon's Cary Tennis answer the same dumb letter, about how to deal with a religious child who thinks you're going to hell. Neither of their answers are illuminating or entertaining in the slightest.
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By Emily GouldComment by VenusCloacina: @Mark 51: I think Herb only wrote one column, actually. more » | Other threads
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welcome back, farter
Cary Tennis Cannot Take His Own Allegorical Advice
A troubled young man relates a recent unpleasant experience to Salon agony aunt Cary Tennis. The poor fellow was stranded on the tarmac after his flight was canceled when a trauma occurred.The flight crew said we could stand in the aisles, which several people did. A 60-ish man across the aisle from me stood up, but he violated an unwritten rule of airplane-aisle etiquette: Always face fore or aft when standing and, if possible, stand alongside a seat back so you don't crowd the personal space of a still-seated person. No, this guy stood with his butt inches from my face. Within moments, I smelled something awful. Could it be?
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ask a gay
Cary Tennis Leaves Us Confused, Kinda Gay
If you can't stomach reading through another Cary Tennis Salon advice column—and who can, they're ridiculous—we'll summarize today's. A gay writes a long-ass letter (all of Cary's correspondents write long-ass letters; the dude's audience appears to be comprised entirely of damaged hypergraphics) about a male co-worker who registers high on the gaydar but claims to be straight. BUT. He has told the gay that the gay has pretty eyes. What does it all mean? Should the gay see if the "straight" is actually bendy? Cary answers with some bizarre rambling advice that includes an imagined dialogue between "Gaydar Tower" and "tall dark handsome object," which makes us want to kill ourselves and doesn't really answer the question. So we checked in with our own (unsuspecting!) resident agony aunt. More » -
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By Joshua SteinComment by Mike Barthel: I keep reading just out of hope that, one day, God is going to tell Cary to kill someone. more » | Other threads
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By abalk2Comment by yourfriendandneighbor: He needs to stop fronting with that Bing Crosby shit already. more » | Other threads
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cary tennis
Cary Tennis Gives Crap Advice
Last time we checked in with Salon sage Cary Tennis, he was telling a writer who found her own writing crappy to keep on plugging at her MFA. Now he has some similarly astute advice for "Getting Nowhere," a woman who worries that she won't find a man "witty" enough to deserve to fertilize her eggs before they all dry up. Unfortunately, Getting Nowhere's last viable ovum probably withered before she finished reading Cary's long-winded response. "Keep in mind that basically you want a kid and you want some wit. You want some wit and you want a kid. Wit. Kid. Wit. Kid. That's gotta be doable somehow," says Tennis, eight paragraphs into his answer. And then, later: "I'm working fast today. I, too, am on deadline. Sometimes we cannot wait around for the perfect phrase—or the perfect man." Well, clearly! More »
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By Emily GouldComment by ogsoleysol: "Last year I was engaged and in graduate school. This year, I ... didn't complete my grad school application...." Last year... more » | Other threads
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salon
Breaking: Creative Writing MFA Student Unconvinced Of Own Brilliance
Creative Writing MFA programs have always struck us as a bit of a scam. We mean, we respect that they provide workshop-leading jobs for writers who are qualified for little else, and we admire the work they do in the 'keeping entitled assholes who consider themselves artistes far away in Iowa where they can't annoy us' department. But seriously, we don't think that having a bunch of jealous, bitter, insecure writerly types sitting in a room sniping at each other shapes anyone into a better novelist (except maybe Curtis Sittenfeld. Uh, and George Saunders. Well, so there are some exceptions, but it makes us feel better to think that MFAs are pointless so just let us, okay?). Anyway, it was with relief and a bit of awe that we read this letter to Salon's 'Since You Asked' column, from an MFA student who seems to have seen the light: More »
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By Emily GouldComment by bmaryk8: I'm finishing my MFA coursework now and starting my thesis. Is it for everyone? No. Does it help you writing?... more » | Other threads
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