• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
• 
  
• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
• 
  
• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
• 
  
• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
• 
  
• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
• 
  
• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
• 
  

• Kiefer Sutherland is trying to explain why he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at a Met Costume Institute gala after-party Tuesday night, possibly violating his probation. He says he was defending the honor of Brooke Shields, who was knocked over by McCollough, according to Sutherland. Alternate theory: serial drunk driver Sutherland was just completely wasted, which is why he was running around a hotel bar earlier in the evening "wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally crazy."
  
• Rihanna's "somewhat masculine" tuxedo-looking outfit at the Met Costume gala means she really is a lesbian just as suspected. Do her "dominatrix stockings" mean the same thing?
  
• Courtenay Semel, last seen headed to rehab, is apparently broken up with heiress Casey Johnson, who has moved on to partying with Linsday Lohan. Maybe Johnson can now enable a new self-destructive young rich lesbian.
  
• After gaining 83 pounds, Kirstie Alley won't go out in public. But she did pose for the cover of People magazine. [People]
  
• Madonna danced with "at least five men" after the Met Costume event. But she still found time to give A-Rods ex the stink eye. Such a pro. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Brad Pitt said the other night that life is hell without Jennifer Aniston, he made a huge mistake and he wants her back. According to Aniston's buddy Courtney Cox, who had a long conversation with the actor and can be counted on not to exaggerate or distort what he said. [Ian Undercover]
  
• If Paula Abdul seemed weird, it's because she was heavily drugged, she says. Honest explanation! [Scoop]

And now comes photographic evidence of their reconciliation — all smiles, hair extensions and fire extinguishers just off-camera as the fraught lovers recently filed their way through some of this year's finest cinematic offerings. We take them for the Vicious Kind type, or maybe It Might Get Loud?Adventureland on a good day? Either way, they seem to have the festival under control; between confirming their presence and authority on the scene, our work here appears done.

• Courtenay Semel and Casey Johnson, back together at Sundance! [NachoFoto]

• Madonna sought counseling to be "less domineering" in relationships. But it had to be at a Kabbalah center, in New York, with this one elite rabbi, and absolutely no one else in the room. The rabbi "tweak[ed] her tikkun," like he was some kind of Yankee. Then Madonna had to start riding horses so she could dominate some other sort of living creature.
• The only appropriate way to make up for beating your girlfriend and setting her hair on fire is inviting her to be your date at Sundance. Amirite or what, Courenay Semel!? [P6]
• Say what you will about Observer publisher Jared Kushner's father Charles, like that he set his sister's husband up with a prostitute, filmed it, and tried to blackmail him. Whatever. But Kushner's grandmother? Killed actual Nazis. Possibly indirectly, in a kind of collective group effort. But still! [P6]
• Ryan Adams can't tour after March 20 because he has listening issues. Sorry, hearing. HEARING issues. [Daily Star]
• If you don't stop saying Barack Obama secretly supports Caroline Kennedy, Rahm Emanuel will not-so-secretly kill and devour you, for breakfast. [P6]
• The New Kids on the Block are getting their own, totally non-cheesy, non-washed-out-old-rocker-featuring cruise. It's going to be awesome, so just shut up. [Gatecrasher]
• Bill Murray, who recently emerged from a nasty divorce involving allegations he was a sex addict, bought a bunch of women's shoes for some new lady friend at a New York boutique. [P6]
• The National Enquirer said Patrick Swayze's cancer spread to his lungs, but the actor told People it really was just pneumonia, and is almost gone. [Showbiz Spy]

We can't make it up, and we doubt Page Six would either: The revelation followed word that Casey Johnson has recently adopted a butchy new post-inferno coiffure since last visiting Semel — a meeting which itself followed another Johnson fight with her current girlfriend. A surge of "dumb fuck"-calling no doubt culminated in a climactic Google-Off during which Semel's name mustered 15% of Johnson's 1.4 million hits, thus provoking Semel to flamethrowing fury:

[A source said] "Casey went to Courtenay's house, and Courtenay proceeded to beat the crap out of her, and then she lit her hair on fire. Casey had to be hospitalized." Casey's mother, Sale Johnson, reportedly flew to LA and consulted with lawyer Robert Shapiro. No one returned calls except Courtenay, whose father Terry Semel ran Yahoo for years. "There was a fight," Courtenay said. "But this is a major exaggeration. We are speaking."

We're optimistic this can work itself out, but Johnson may want to consider bodyguard accompaniment until then. There's a good security guard in Vegas looking for work, and as far as we know, he comes with a Semel restraining order already issued. Give him a ring.

• EX SETS CASEY'S HAIR ON FIRE [NYP]

• Lesbian heiress Courtenay Semel will mess you UP: She allegedly beat the crap out of her heiress ex-girlfriend Casey Johnson, then set Johnson's hair on fire. Johnson had to go to the hospital. Courtenay says the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. Um. [P6]
• Patrick Swayze underwent a secret cancer operation in December, but the disease has spread to his lungs and is interfering with his breathing, the Enquirer reported. A former Cancery Society spokesman put his chances of recovering at "less than 10 percent." [Enquirer]
• Balthazar Getty is supposedly back on drugs and alienating his co-stars on Brothers & Sisters. [Ted Casablanca, Perez]
• A drunk woman at the Golden Globes told Brad Pitt, "you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible." Pitt's friends found this hilarious. [Showbiz Spy]
• Jeremy Piven's lady friend Ashley Chontos was promised she'd be his date for the Golden Globes, so she bought a dress and everything. Then he took his mom. Quick, Piven: Figure out if poor memory is a plausible sympton of mercury poisoning. [Cindy Adams]
• Kurt Vonnegut once told his mistress she should write a play because it would be unchallenging: "The theaters are empty.... you don't have to describe characters in depth." Such a sweetheart. [P6]
• Kevin Bacon, after getting swindled by Bernie Madoff: "I need to work, for obvious reasons." [Scoop]

• Madonna probably helped John McCain a bit by showing a video of him alongside images of Hitler, Robert Mugabe, starving children and global warming. Obama was depicted as Gandhi and John Lennon. Luckily for Obama this video has not yet been shown in the U.S. [Times]
• The creator of Gossip Girl hates how the CW is advertising Gossip Girl. [New York]
• After breaking up with fellow billion-heiress Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson took a "really hot brunette" named Lisa to a party in honor of Kathie Lee Gifford. Both women wore skimpy S&M-themed outfits, which were deemed "inappropriate" because they were more edgy than what Regis Philbin was wearing. Well then! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson went baby clothes shopping. [R&M]
• Due to her 8,000 children, Angelina Jolie can get more free money from the French government than many Americans earn through actual physical labor. Or so says an English tabloid. [Sun]
• Jennifer Aniston's ex is maybe engaged to Cameron Diaz, who used to date Aniston's ex, John Mayer. Mayer, meanwhile, can't get any attention from the paparazzi now that he's not attached to Aniston.
• Heidi Montag is dressing up as Olivia Newton John to sell her terrible music. [Hot Or Not]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver, whose books include a recipe for a bacon sandwich just perfect after a long night at the pub, slammed the Brits as people who would rather get drunk than eat well. [Mail]

But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.

I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS

Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome.

Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below:

II. KNOW HER CANON

Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer.

Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season.

III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES

Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment.

IV. KNOW HER STYLE

Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

V. KNOW HER LOVE LIFE

This is where it gets complicated. Courtenay has been very publicly attached to no fewer than three young women of varying celebrity since 2007, starting somewhat retroactively last winter with Lindsay Lohan. "Everyone thinks Samantha [Ronson] is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart," she was quoted as saying. "At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.” That triangle was fleshed out a little more this week by our cousins at Gawker, who noted that Courtenay and Ronson both visited LiLo separately during her rehab residency.

Next came Johnson and Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, who made the gossip rounds last month after a canoodling binge with Courtney. Enter Tila Tequila, who showed up maybe a week ago? A couple weeks ago? Anyway, now they've found true love, as evidenced by the scorching red-carpet chemistry below:

Surely she must also have been some poor bastard's beard somewhere along the way; as always, your tips are welcome!

VI. KNOW HER EMPIRE

You mean besides her father's 10-figure net worth, divided four ways sometime in the next 15 to 20 years? Not so much. We guess she can always lobby for a Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive — The Complete Series DVD Box Set, even though Basabe probably has a 75/25 split written into his deal. He thinks of everything.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Has been a Kardashian family BFF since the age of 2.

· Intimate public displays of affection with Tila Tequila range from kissing to spoon-feeding ice cream in VIP areas.

· Reportedly drove off from this year's VH1 Rock Honors with Casey Johnson in a $160,000 Mercedes that wasn't theirs. They returned it a few minutes later.

Did we miss something? Chime in below — we're nothing without you.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images]

• Courtenay Semel, lesbian daughter of Yahoo's CEO was dating heiress Casey Johnson until a drunken hookup with Tila Tequila at some party. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson totally giggled. [P6]
• The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie twin pictures supposedly just sold for around $15 million, and not to People or OK! but to Hello!. [Mail]
• Heath Ledger's ex-wife Michelle Williams has taken up with director Spike Jonze. [Mail]
• Chace Crawford's close friend/roomate Ed Westwick is into girls! He holds their hands and everything. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton is not about to watch that ad where John McCain tries to use video of her to bludgeon Barack Obama because, really, that would mean getting up to speed on so, so many different things. Reading=ughs. [E!]
• Katie Holmes is into firefighters, and/or free press, and/or potential Scientology recruits. [E!]
• Whether she was in a swimming pool with him in Mexico or not, Britney Spears is not officially dating that former Israeli soldier guy, her manager would like everyone to know. And the guy is not a bodyguard, he's a "staff photographer." Yes, point out that he's a photographer, why don't you, since we know Britney is totally not into those. [Showbiz Spy]
• Spears' dad, meanwhile, retains control over her money and "personal affairs" until December 31. "Miss Spears was reluctant to agree to the extension of her conservatorship." [ET]

• The daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, Courtenay, is dating the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, Casey. Semel used to date Lindsay Lohan, Johnson used to date a dude, until he was "snatched" away by her aunt. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie was seen repeatedly drinking alone in his pub, listening to a folk guitarist, so everyone assumed his divorce with Madonna was about to finally happen. There was something about her kissing Gwyneth Paltrow. Then the pop starlet issued a big massive denial of the divorce, and her affair with A-Rod, and everything. No one's really sure whether to believe her.
• Eliot Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre is no longer suing Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for distributing racy footage shot when she was 17. It is time to "focus on the positive" ways to exploit being a famous call girl. [Post]
• A former staffer for celebrity TV chef Rachael Ray said he was harassed for being anorexic. OK, so I suppose there is at least one bad reason to decline to eat Rachael Ray's food. [Post]
• Once-pregnant transexual man Thomas Beatie gave birth to a healthy baby girl without a c-section. [ABC News]
• There are threats of a Friends movie. Sex And The City is, of course, responsible for this travesty. [P6]

"Her first impulse was to hold her tongue. "I said I didn't have a comment, and then I looked at my assistant and I said, 'Goddammit, I have a comment,' " she says with a huge, dimpled smile, "and I went on my merry way and gave one." Went on her merry way—"just unloaded," as Richard Johnson recalls—and publicly accused Libet of seducing her boyfriend. "I think [my aunt] needs help," Casey told the Post. "I feel sorry for her. She's single. She's been divorced umpteen times. She's afraid to go out in public." And then Casey delivered the coup de grâce: "She was sleeping with my boyfriend, who I was in love with," she said. "An old woman with a lot of money is a very powerful aphrodisiac."

[Photo: Jonathan Becker for Vanity Fair]

Last March, 26-year-old heiress and socialite Casey Johnson found out from the New York Post's "Page Six" that the man she thought was her boyfriend, John Dee, had had a relationship with an older woman: her 56-year-old aunt, Libet Johnson.

Well, the class-acts at Vanity Fair know that no sordid story is dead unless they forget to dig it up, so:

To accompany the article by Suzanna Andrews in the September [2006] issue of Vanity Fair, Casey, a close friend of Paris and Nicky Hilton's, poses for Jonathan Becker and gives Dee a provocative glimpse of what he's missing.

Yes, give him a glimpse of what he is missing. See that, Dee? You could have had it all, the flagrant self-promotion, the seemingly total lack of social constraint, the busted face. Oooh, just one small favor: could you please spare us the glimpse? We can't afford therapy.

(WARNING: Link potentially NSFW!)
Endowments of an Heiress [Vanity Fair]