Another of the friends in the picture is a high-powered producer for a top television network who owns a Brooklyn condominium, another is in law school, and the last is independently wealthy. And where is Maureen Tkacik? Why, living in a tiny fifth floor rental apartment with the selfsame roommate — and, we hear, the selfsame Judas Priest photo —with whom she lived in the picture, which was taken ten years ago; a cautionary tale in downward mobility if there ever was one. She doesn't so much as recall meeting the future billionaire, and why would she? Her most salient memory from the house in which Ms. Southworth was photographed is being rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

Ms. Southworth is not alone; Ms. Tkacik crossed paths in school with numerous other individuals who proceeded to achieve things in life: Donald Trump Jr., one half of the screenwriting/production duo behind the Harold & Kumar films, New York Observer reporter Doree Shafrir. In fact, her entire life might be considered a case study in how not to climb the social ladder, and, the photo below, wherein she sits next to Kretchmar and her present roommate, goes much of the way to revealing why: that ensemble.

Assuming this lady means raspberry in a sexual kind of way and not in a making-fart-sounds-on-a-baby kind of way, this is one of several sightings we've received lately from women admiring the adorably awkward smoothness of one Michael Cera.

Ever since he got fake-fired from "Knocked Up" and starred in "Superbad," , Mr. Manager has been getting lots of attention.

And while he is certainly hysterical and seems like a very nice kid (born 1988!), something in the profile pieces and the female adoration for being an ordinary-looking, slightly-geeky guy is triggering an ugly, big-lipped, abyss-screaming pang of Braffian déjà vu. And since we adore him, and every relationship we have with an actor is only ever one date with a Simpson sister away from being broken beyond repair, let's look at some proactive steps Michael Cera can take to avoid becoming the next Zach Braff.

1.) Don't date anyone famous or blonde. Some cursory Google-stalking of Michael Cera indicates he is currently dating a stand-up comic named Charlyne Yi. Perfect. Let's just hope with the growing attention he doesn't lose his head. It's a slippery slope people. The kid has too many beers one night, his friends convince him they should see what this Le Deux is all about, just to make fun of the people there of course, and BAM. We lose him forever.

2.) Stop blogging. This is okay now because it's for his web series "Clark and Michael," which is actually funny. However, what if he starts using blogs to talk politics or respond to things the media says about him? It could get dicey. It's better to end it before it starts. It could end up on HuffPo! Ack!

3.) Stop being in a band. Again, all reports are that the band is good, but we're talking preemption here. If you have a family history of breast cancer sometimes you need to lop that boob off early to save your life. It's common sense.

Is all this just a pessimistic attitude shaped by a world in which Promises mean nothing and Carrot Top gets laid? Maybe. But whatever. With the paparazzi on his tail and his growing appearance on those "hot" lists, we happily make the case that it's never too early to take action.

Michael Wolff was talking to lefty media blogger Rory O'Connor at the bar.

We asked him if he'd been asked to sign a non-disclosure agreement for Newser.

He laughed. "Never! No NDAs, never," he said. "That's the rule of the road."

So there might very well be a tell-all in his future. Rory laughed and said, "It's inevitable!"

Wolff agreed: "Inevitable."

"It could be called, "I can't believe those idiots gave me money to do it all again!" Rory said.

We asked Wolff about the algorithm that is Newser's kind of main claim to fame. Users can move an indicator on a continuum that runs from hard to soft news. "I have no idea how it works," Wolff said. "The tech guys explained it to me but I zoned out halfway through. Go ask that guy," he said pointing into a web of white-haired bespectacled men. "The one with white hair and the glasses."

Later, Caroline Miller was lingering by the door, ready to escape. Man, why didn't she get an NDA out of Wolff? "Because I'm feckless!" she said. Nice.

"Michael doesn't even have a contract," she said. "This whole thing is all on a handshake."

So what exactly does Wolff do for Newser? Here's what he does not do: "He's not allowed to talk to anyone on the inside," Miller said. "He's not allowed to manage anybody. What he discovered a long time ago about himself is that he likes to fire people. He has the ideas but I make them happen."

So he has ideas. And did he bring the money? No. "It's all Pat's money anyway!" That would be Patrick Spain, the CEO of HighBeam and soon to be the main character of a really harsh book about how the internet sucks.

Rocco DiSpirito Joins Bertolli to Inspire Home Cooks With Simple, Flavorful Ideas for Making Mediterranean Meals [PR Wire]

Dear Maria, Sorry I had to leave, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to be there. Thanks for your support, good luck at Women's World.

Please put in a good word to Hubert [Boehle, Bauer CEO] for me, it's ironic that Nick, who was fired for his incompetence, would get more severance than me. I thought I was doing an ok job. Although, Hubert hasn't contacted me, do you think I should call him? or Ilana?

Be well.

-[redacted]

On Tue, 10 Jul 2007 13:35:50 -0400
Maria Lissandrello wrote:
Dear [redacted]:

I feel utterly terrible today.

I already spoke to Hubert and asked about you. He said he is going to see.

I think it is perfectly okay for you to call Hubert yourself. I also beseeched him on Christine's behalf.

I hope we will work together someday. I don't know how long I am for this world, if you know what I mean.

All the best, [redacted]. Please keep in touch
Maria

From: [redacted]
To: Maria Lissandrello
Thanks Maria, I think I will wait to hear from him, I appreciate your help, thanks. In my experience with Bauer, I can't say that I have been treated fairly, and now I am pessimistic about what will happen next.

I am giving you my personal e-mail address again, and my phone number, let's definitely keep in touch, maybe have a drink in a few weeks, hopefully more will be clearer.

ps: cancelled the kitchen construction.

From: Maria Lissandrello
To: Cocktail Weekly Magazine
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2007 10:00:42 -0400
Subject: Re: Until we meet again!

Yes, I want to plan on drinks for sure. I spoke to James last night, and I'm going to see Piper on Sunday.

I don't feel any better today. While I'm thankful I still have a job, I am miserable about the people I really cared about, including you.

It sucks.

I'm so sorry you had to cancel your kitchen project.