It's hard to be a member of the fourth estate when Mel Gibson is involved. A reporter from Life & Style magazine spotted Gibson his and soon-to-be-birther-friend at the Playhouse in Hollywood. The reporter tried to snap a picture. When Gibson's "security team" intervened the reporter sent in her buddy to pose as a camera wielding fan. No dice! The buddy tried several times to get a picture then Gibson allegedly ripped at the guy's T-shirt

The man with the perforated shirt filed battery charges against Gibson this morning. But TMZ reports that the cops think the victim's story is bullshit, "Gibson was wedged in a booth with his pregnant girlfriend and couldn't have grabbed the guy's shirt."

Not to get all judgey on behaviors of others here, but what was a recovering alcoholic like Gibson doing in a night club with a preggers girlfriend? Doesn't he know that's where trouble lurks? Hollywood nightclubs are filled with offensive, unsightly T-shirts that demand tearing. Didn't Gibson know that he would be tempted to strike? I mean, given the proliferation of bedazzled Ed Hardy tees, wouldn't any of us?

Think about it, you guys.

The judge refused bail for O.J. while his lawyer files an appeal, and Simpson's sister, Carmelita fainted as he was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs.

The charges stem from a misadventure last September when Simpson and some gun-toting goons executed a bumbling raid on a room at the Palace Station casino to try to recover some old sports junk Simpson claimed had been stolen from his trophy room.

"He's extremely upset, extremely emotional, but it is something that was expected," O.J.'s lawyer, Yale Galanter said. He says Simpson's fame is what did him in. "Definitely someone like OJ Simpson, everyone has a fixed opinion of him and it's troubling. I wasn't surprised."

Simpson will be sentenced in December. [ABC.net.au]

Rushton claims that Coleman's wife snatched his cellphone from him and that Coleman threw down on him in a series of blows. Then, says Rushton, he was merely trying to retrieve his phone when Coleman backed his truck into him, sending him to the asphalt. According to Coleman's bodyguard, Fred, it was all the kid's fault.

“He asked the kid not to take pictures. Why can’t he be an adult and respect his [Coleman’s] privacy,” said his bodyguard. The bodyguard, we’ll call “Fred,” says the harassment continued outside as Coleman and his wife tried to leave. “This kid would not back off—he would not back off.”

Police say Coleman’s truck struck Rushton and hit a car that had pulled up behind Coleman’s truck. Fred says Rushton ran around the actor’s pickup as Coleman was backing out. “The kid was way careless. He was reckless. Who runs out on somebody that’s turning?”

“He did not intentionally hit this kid,” said Fred, “He [Coleman] was just trying to get out of here.” Payson Police say a County Deputy witnessed the scuffle and intervened. “He opened the door and pulled Gary out,” said Fred. Fred says the truck was still in gear when the deputy pulled Coleman out. It was heading toward Rushton who was still on the ground. Fred says he hopped in and put on the brakes. [ABC4]

No arrests have been made and the matter is still under investigation. The police, shockingly, suspect that alcohol may have played a part.

1. Suck up to Peyser! Andrea Peyser is here to cast judgment on humanity. And generally, she does not like what she sees. As a hateful, finger-wagging moralist, her usual weapon is outraged hyperbole, especially against celebrities, and especially especially against lady celebrities. But, you know, if you give her an exclusive, and play desperately, shamefully apologetic, you might get a little sympathy! Especially if you compliment Peyser's columns viciously attacking a different terrible woman:

She called me to explain herself. Also, because she liked my columns slamming another discarded wife, Dina Matos McGreevey.

"If I were an acting coach, I'd tell her not to make faces!" she said of Dina. "Don't look mad or petulant. She looks like a 12-year-old."

2. Suck up to the NYPD! The cops? Heroes. Always. They do no wrong! Also, they are fantastic sources, if you're a tabloid. O'Neal is not only not mad at the cops for arresting her, she is grateful at the favor they did her!

"Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me!" Tatum crowed.

"I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct."

3. Avoid the Sob Story Everyone's got one, and they rarely get you very far. So be careful when employing this one. Best to put on a cheerful, "there but for the grace of God" tone, say you're getting your life back on track, admit you've made mistakes, and leave it to Peyser to spin your tale of woe in her inimitable style. O'Neal focuses on the positive—her career is picking back up! Her boyfriend is a saint!—while Peyser reminds us of her lifetime of abuse and addiction. (Though O'Neal does point out that she lost her beloved dog, which is the sort of relatable sob story that does work. Poor puppy.)

(And if all else fails, hire Post flack Howard Rubenstein.)

Tatum to Cops: Thanks! [NYP]

[Cage's lawyer Simon] Smith said that Turner, Associated Newspapers and Headline Publishing Group now accepted that, owing to a mistake on Turner's part and despite the other defendants' publishing in good faith, the allegations were defamatory and false and ought never to have been published. ...

Mr. Smith said the defendants had also given a contractual undertaking never to republish the allegations and had agreed to publish an apology in the Daily Mail and remove the article from its websites, and insert a correction/apology in the book.

There are lots of other add-ons as well — covering legal costs, forking over money to an elder abuse charity — but nothing can compensate for our personal despair at having to retire "chihuahuanapper Nicolas Cage" from our lexicon. We're thrilled the arrests were retracted, but we'd remit pooch-stealing restitution ourselves if we could just savor the image of Cage as we knew him in 1985: thick hair, intense gaze, and a purloined dog yapping snugly inside his jacket.

• Nic and Kathleen settle libel dispute [MSN]

I guess this is notable because it's a big, international commission stooping down to recognize odd little modern trends that us wee people are enthralled with. But will it be effective? Don't we already know we're fucked up by celebrities (while simultaneously fucking them up) and do nothing about it? What will this rehashing of information prove to do except reinforce an already widely held belief that celebrities should be locked up for long periods of time? I mean, no one (except celebrities, judges, and celebrity judges) argues with that, right? [NYT] Below, a key excerpt from the report.

While highlighting the need to provide alternatives to imprisonment for drug users, including access to treatment, rehabilitation and reintegration programmes, the Board urges Governments to pay adequate attention to high profile cases of drug abuse. Celebrity "endorsement" of drug-related lifestyles is particularly relevant when it comes to the issue of deterring drug use among youth, who are often most vulnerable to the cult of celebrity and its attendant glamour. The fact is that when a celebrity uses drugs, he or she breaks he law, states the report. Young people are quick to pickup on and react to perceived leniency in dealing with such offenders. This raises questions about the fairness of the justice system and could undermine wider social efforts at reducing the demand for drugs. The same is true for higher level drug offenders. The Report notes the wide differences between countries and regions when it comes to tolerance towards drug-related offenses and offenders. Penalties for similar offenses may seem severe in some
places, but lenient in others.