The celebrity well has run so dry that we are now stuck doing this? Would the editors of this mag ask, "Is Angelina Jolie scary skinny because of this drawing? Should we be worried about her weight?" No, we fucking shouldn't because it's a really bad drawing! But seriously, here we are comparing a doodle of Nicole Ritchie with a sketch of Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse. While we're at it, why don't we talk about how Smurfette never changes her outfit, how Dora the Explorer is looking a little tubby or the diet Wonder Woman used to get back in shape. We wish we had the print edition of this magazine so we could throw it across the room.

Here's the text of the memo sent to Us Weekly staffers:

Dear Us Staff,

After six years as the editor of Us Weekly, I am leaving. In short, I
decided it was time to try something else in my life, do a little Gosselin
detox and occasionally go out on Monday nights. There are no immediate
plans, except to enjoy the month of August, take some tennis lessons, and
maybe finally edit my wedding album.

With more certainty, I can say that it has been an immense privilege working
with every last one of you here. What we've done with this magazine is
unprecedented — you have helped make Us Weekly into one of the greatest
success stories in publishing history. Back in 2003, the year many of you
started with me,the magazine's rate base was 1 million; now it is nearly
double that at 1.9 million; we didn't have a website until recently, and now
it's one of the biggest entertainment websites with more than 6 million
unique visitors a month (up 328 percent in just one year!). Along the way
the magazine has received countless accolades - among them Ad Age's Magazine
of the Year and Top Performer of the Decade by Cappell's Circulation Report.
Most significantly, you've made Us Weekly into a phenomenal buzz machine,
synonymous with all things pop culture and celebrity. In Chasing Cool,
author Gene Pressman of Barneys devotes a section lauding Us Weekly. He
calls our magazine "the iPod of its industry," adding, "like crack on
newsprint, it made an entirely dormant segment into a monster loyal
audience." Indeed, it's always been one of the most gratifying things about
working here: to toil for a magazine not in vain, but for one that 13
million people actually read every week.

Last year, the LA Times said, "It's Us Weekly's world, we just live in it."
And now I will be just a spectator looking in. But I speak from the heart
when I say thank you for all you've done: the endless hours, never saying no
to any request, and for being all around fun, kind and generous people with
whom to spend my days and nights. I've never worked with such a fiercely
talented, dedicated, collegial and quality group of people. You made being
here pure joy and sorely will be missed.

Now, please join me in congratulating executive editor Mike Steele in his
promotion to interim editor in chief. Mike will be returning early from his
vacation on Wednesday to begin work.

As for me, my last day will be some time next week - and hopefully we will
have some kind of celebration (that doesn't involve Sterno!).

All best,
Janice

Min's future plans are unknown at this time, but she hinted to the New York Times that she might be considering a career change:

"As long as I'm here, I can't really even begin to think about what I'm going to do next," she said. "But I'm 39 and I'd like to have another career. I felt like I'd done every possible thing at US Weekly to make it successful."

But everyone knows the correct way to reveal one's gayness on a magazine cover is to make arrangements with a distinguished Time Inc. publication to run a cover story that somberly declares: "Hey! Hi! I am ready to air my deep painful lifelong secret with the world in a supportive setting! If just one kid in Nebraska with an elaborate Christian Siriano fantasy and a dream can read my painful painful story and feel a little more 'normal' as a result then it will all have been worth it! Because this is really painful for me, telling the world what they already knew about me! Even though being gay is nothing to be ashamed of; it is just like having Lyme disease or something!" Not Lindsay.

When Lindsay Lohan turns out to be gay, it is like …aspirational! And that adorbs snapshot of her and girlfriend Sam Ronson in those Come On Feel The Lemonheads shirts: whose inner college lesbian without the college isn't tingling experimentally over that image? It is like Jamie Lynn and her enviable teen pregnancy, but without the weight gain.

OK!

Pros: OK! publisher Richard Desmond is said to be determined to land the photos—his magazine is out to corner the baby picture market, remember. Desmond is leading negotiations for the rights himself, and he knows that he has a better shot at recouping his costs, because he controls 17 international editions that could all run the photos.

Cons: It's bad for any one magazine to corner any market, no matter how frivolous. Plus, landing these Brangelina pics would be considered a victory for objectionable soulless former flack and OK! editor Rob Shuter.

People

Pros: They landed the pics of Shiloh, Brangelina's earlier spawn. Plus, People is a more prestigious title than OK!. Their PR value is higher, at least domestically.

Cons: May not be able to bid as high as Desmond will. And they have less ability to distribute internationally. Is the solution a combo deal, perhaps—People with domestic rights and OK! with international rights? Well, whatever's best for the children.

But seriously, OK! will win, we think. All the money's going to charity, so Brangelina will go for Desmond's higher price for their baby's souls.

• How Much Is Your Baby Worth?
• Giving You Baby Max, For $1.5m
• After the jump, gratuitous video of twin baby girls, making dolphin noises at eachother

As In Touch's publisher has pointed out, publicists would have little reason to bribe a West Coast editor for cover treatment, as the original report from Complex had it. In Touch selects photos and paparazzi out of New Jersey.

But if the goal was to kill a story, instead of promote it? In that case, bribing a West Coast editor sounds perfectly plausible, especially for a publicist who has already had luck with a different editor in the same company.

The FBI, who are said to be working former In Touch staff in Los Angeles, could be looking at the New Jersey editor as well: he eventually jetted out to Los Angeles to work for a different celebrity magazine, the source said.

That magazine is People. Competitors in the industry have long been steamed at what they perceive as People's seemingly unfettered access to Jolie, her children, and Brad Pitt, and the magazine's role in turning Jolie into some sort of vainglorious, self-righteous and yet extremely hot version of Mother Theresa. And it turns out that People's campaign to earn the trust of Jolie and Pitt has deep roots that are now so firmly planted that the couple doesn't think twice about to whom they grant interviews and where they allow their photographs to run—even though the photographs are ostensibly put on the open market by Getty. It's People, People, People.

In March 2005, Jolie told an audience at the National Press Club that she and Maddox had recently visited Ethiopia, and "he has been asking for an African brother or sister," People reported. In May 2005, People magazine ran a heartwarming story about children orphaned by AIDS in Ethiopia. In addition to the children, the piece also highlighted the work of Worldwide Orphans Foundation, a New York-based organization founded by Dr. Jane Aronson.

The magazine hadn't mentioned Dr. Aronson for four years when it did the piece in 2005. Then, in June 2005, a previously unknown (to the pages of People, at least) name began appearing in the magazine—that of Jeffrey Sachs, the Columbia economist and UN adviser who's known for his work in reducing poverty and fighting AIDS.

It's no coincidence that both Aronson and Sachs are close to Jolie. Aronson is Jolie's daughter Zahara's pediatrician, and after Jolie adopted "Z" from an Ethiopian orphanage, Aronson is the doctor Jolie credits with saving Z's life. Jolie has been working with Sachs since at least 2005, when their work together in Kenya was documented in a film shown on MTV in September of that year.

According to a source close to the magazine, People embarked on a deliberate campaign to ingratiate themselves with Sachs and Aronson to get on Jolie's good side. "It was all very organic-seeming," says the source, because of People's natural mix of celebrity reporting and human-interest stories. "It was really pretty brilliant—People did lovely separate pieces on them both and their work, and when an Angelina piece would come up, Aronson and Sachs could also be used as sources. Of course, there were a few charity dinners thrown in, like things benefiting [Aronson's] Worldwide Orphans organization. It was subtle and gradual, and most important, fit in with the human interest pieces that People is known for anyway."

Another industry source noted that Jolie establishes stringent requirements for her photos to be published—requirements that People is uniquely positioned to meet. "A three-page memo went out with Cambodia pictures—you can run these pictures but you have to positively talk about Cambodia. Sure enough the pictures ran, and there was this great spread about Cambodia. You will pay me and do stories about what I want to do stories about. Leading up to the baby, all of a sudden—their baby, born in Africa, all of a sudden you saw articles in People about Africa."

Jolie outperforms for People. According to Variety, the Shiloh pictures brought their website 26.5 million page views in a day.

And according to TMZ.com head Harvey Levin, it just comes down to People being a "safer venue for someone like Angelina. There's so little control left in the lives of big celebrities. When they have what they consider to be a safe haven, some of them still use it," he said.

So when it came time for the June 2006 auction for the photos of Pitt and Jolie's daughter Shiloh, the photos eventually went to People for a reported $4 million for North American rights; People reportedly won because it partnered with Hello! in the U.K. to offer one bid. But according to an industry insider, few sets of pics since then have gone on the open market—or if they have, their eventual provenance is a foregone conclusion.

"The way it used to work is that everyone would see the pictures and bid on them as a set. It carried the caveat that Angelina had publication approval. So the weeklies played the game, and bid. But it became clear to us that the only pub that would be approved was People. Basically they've cut out the bullshit, and they just sell the stories to People. So they use Getty as a broker. They're laundering it through Getty," this source said. "There was a set of them in New Orleans—which never was published, because they only approved People. People wasn't interested, so rather than take money—Angelina does say this is all for charity—and appear in another mag, they chose to not take the money, because they'll only deal with People." (Another source said, "People don't realize—New Orleans is the Namibia of the Gulf States. Their government can be persuaded to abide by a different set of rules. [Jolie and Pitt's] lives are exponentially easier in New Orleans than in LA. The cops were super tough on a lot of the photographers down there, to the point that at least one agency just threw up their hands and said forget about it.")

The most recent pics of Angelina and her brood were taken in Vietnam, when she went to pick up her latest adopted child, Pax. "She flew Zahara out for the shoot—no Shiloh," said the source. (Maddox was already there.) "There was lots of bidding, and it went to People, as everyone knew it would."

People has long prided itself on not paying sources or for stories, but some in the industry argue that People is doing just that with its arrangements with Jolie. With the eternal caveat: even if the profits go to charity.

"They're the employer, they're paying her, they pay for them. For example, these pictures, they're marked for only approved publication, but there's only one approved publication," said the industry source. "You can bang your head against the wall but the fact is she's working for them, and they pay her. Every time a life event happens, or she goes on vacation, she sets up a picture and they pay for it."

When called for comment, a People spokesperson responded via email: "Our next issue hasn't closed yet and we don't comment in advance." A Getty spokesperson did not return a call for comment.

TMZ's Levin is skeptical that the Brangelina juggernaut can last much longer. "How many shots of another kid she's adopting can you get before it all starts to feel the same?" In any case, Levin is content to let the weeklies duke it out among themselves. "If that's the war among the weeklies, it makes me happy."

By the day's end, In Touch had supposedly bought the photos for well over $300K ($375K was the number we'd heard tossed around). But the real question: who made the profit? Did Getty happen to have a photographer covering the Bahamian hospital beat? Or did someone from Anna Nicole's camp hand over the family Powershot for a last-minute profit to be brokered by Getty? And if so, is Anna Nicole really sick, or really smart?

Before the photos went up for sale, image previews were sent to editors. We've got the exclusive pics after the jump — if only to show you what six figures of Jersey mag money gets you. Sadly for us and you, parties with an interest in the deal finally noticed our little display. Thumbnails struck, so you'll have to wait for their sensitive, large-scale treatment in the tabloids.

Earlier: Fire Sale: Anna Nicole Smith's Last Moments With Her Son

How much might one pay for these tender, macabre moments? Getty is asking for $200K, but the email has a disclaimer of "NO NEGATIVE PRESS." For that, you've got to drop an extra hundred grand.

Update: We're hearing that Life & Style In Touch won a bidding war, shelling out $375K for the pics. Who knew the mag even had that kind of money?

The melancholia deepened when P. Diddy and his entourage rolled up around midnight. Mr. Diddy is both shorter and fatter than one would expect, and decked out in fedora and striped vest, he added several magnitudes of anomie to an already rather alienating night. He refused to pose for pictures. The press moaned.

"Diddy can do what he wants," said a reporter. "He's so rich, he has white slaves!"

Oh, sweet Jesus. Who said this? We have to know. It's someone from InTouch, right?

Is Beyonce Hillary Clinton? [NYO]

Wow. A celebrity weekly might be wrong! Stranger things have happened, like when People ran a headline proclaiming "Everything Is Fine!" in the marriage of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson shortly before they announced their separation. So, you know. But for now, People is Aniston's safe place, and no one can touch her in her cave.

To satiate your hunger for knowledge of Aniston's every heartbeat, we'll leave you with her most revealing quote about the current state of her relationship with Vaughn:

We're just being.

Just being. You know, like, existing and stuff.

Jennifer Aniston: 'I'm Not Engaged!' [People]

Bauer Entertainment Group publisher Bob Davidowitz acknowledged a "flattening out" of the category. He attributed slower sales across the category to a dearth of "earth-shattering" celebrity news this year.

You hear that, Tom Cruise? Show us that goddamn baby already. If we don't see Suri soon, Bonnie Fuller's going to be living in the back of a car, and it'll all be your fault.

Sneak Peek at Celeb Circ: Newsstand Sales Leveling Off [Mediaweek]